niamh

thanks for such lovely msg Tippi, sometimes I think knowing that's how my Dad thought is the only thing that keeps any guilt from eating away at me. Am so glad to hear talking here helps. I too find it hard seeing others who seem to be ok carrying with life but sometimes we just don't know what's going on inside. I often think people can look me at me on the outside in public and never have a clue of what goes on inside. Family are sometimes probably the worst for support when you lose someone because everyone is trying to deal with their own grief in their own way, everyone loses a unique relationship. Thinking of you today and tomorrow and hope that all our parents have their arms wrapped tightly around us to bring some peace during these tough days. ((hugs)) to you too, thanks so much Tippi, glad you found us here Niamh x

Hi Tippi, I am truly sorry for you losing both your parents SO SO close together, I cannot even begin to imagine the horror of it. I often told my Mom after losing my Dad that if it had been my Mom gone instead of my Dad I know he would not have survived it at all. I do think in some ways when you hear of couples who leave this world so close together that maybe the heart and soul for the one left behind simply cannot go on. I'm so sorry you feel like you failed them as a daughter but I certainly don't think you did. I too will always have some regrets about what I did and didn't do when my Dad went into hospital, wondering if I could have somehow changed the outcome but my Dad always believed when you're time is up nothing you can do to change it........doesn't stop me wondering "what if" but I think our parents know we all do the best we can in situations and losing people from this world is never our fault. Sorry too you cannot talk to your sisters, I don't have any siblings but I have some cousins that were always like siblings to me over the years. my Dad was like a second Dad to them, they were so close but I can't talk to them about it. They also lost their Mom 5 years ago and I thought they would be one bunch of people who would definitely "get everything" but doesn't seem to be the case. That really confirmed for me how unique grief and loss is to everyone no matter what the circumstance everyone has their own way of dealing with it. Holidays are definitely worse, it's such a family time and feels like a slap in the face when you see everyone else being so happy and jolly and you just want your Mom & Dad. I hope you will find that as alone as you do feel there's many of us here who do get it. I know when this happened first I honestly thought I was the only person in the entire world who felt and thought like I did because anyone I knew who had lost somebody never thought or "acted" like I did after losing my Dad. Then I found this site and realised there were others in the world who could relate to me and it just gave me the smallest of comforts even knowing 1 more person on this earth felt similar to me. I wish there were real words of comfort but I always say they just don't exist, all we can do is share with each other and relate. I'm glad writing helps a bit so I hope you keep sharing with us here. sending you love and hugs and lots of wishes for peace and comfort, Niamh

hi PJK First off I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. I am 2 years into my Dad leaving this world, I remember the first anniversary well..........nothing at all wrong with falling apart. It is hard to when you feel you're carrying your Dad's grief. Wow, losing her 4 days before their 60th is so awful. My parents would have been 40 years married 4 months after we lost him. It is hard too caring for your Dad aswell as yourself, grief takes so much of you every single day. I am an only child so my Mom is pretty dependant on me and I do everything I can for her but I have days where I just feel I can't do anymore. (yep stressful job too at times). I remember the exact moment on my Dad's first anniversary when I could no longer say "this time last year" and that timeframe would refer to a moment when he was still here. That in itself felt like a huge shock never again being able to say those words, now I'm even gone beyond this time "2 years ago". I am glad you have got some little comfort from reading here, I think my brain would have just snapped in half with the emotional turmoil if it hadn't been for this site and the understanding & patience everyone has reassuring me that there was nothing wrong with any of my feelings. That patience and understanding definitely changes and diminishes in real life. I have some very good friends who've been my rock but I did notice a huge difference this year in the people who remembered Dad's second anniversary, it had dwindled quite a bit. I hope you stay sharing with us and sending you much love and hugs for the holidays Niamh

I'm with you Angel, you know my Dad was like your Grandma too, he would forgo bills until the last minute to ensure Christmas or any other occassions were made so special and they sure were. (and somehow he always managed to get those bills paid eventually too!) I feel weary from doing everything "alone", had little meltdown in the city centre a few days ago, was so hard seeing everyone so happy with the shopping bustle, Carol singers around and I just got one of those big grief bursts sitting in outdoor cafe and just couldn't stop the tears. I miss so much being able to shop for my Dad, he was such a simple man,never wanted for much at all and I always loved that Christmas time I could just go crazy spoiling him rotten. I loved shopping with him too, we would always plan Mom's gifts together and the shopping for filling the house with candy, drinks etc was always our fun thing to do, no matter what I would ever see and think "hhmm that could be nice", my Dad would have it picked up off the shelf before I'd even decide I wanted to get it just saying "ah sure it's Christmas". He just loved over loading on everything. This year I do find myself trying to keep myself distracted all the time, I've spread out my few little jobs so there's something to do every day, I almost feel afraid to stop and think about the reality of it. I guess I definitely will Christmas morning as I plan to bring some nice flowers to Dad with some Christmassy bits and pieces to add to them. Angel, I've no doubt your Grandma is proud of you, although things are not how they were a year ago, you are putting one foot in front of the other and what more could your Grandma want. She always sounds like such an amazing dotey Grandma and I'd like to think she's cheering you on, rooting for you and very proud of you for getting through the last 8 months without her. I don't believe we have the tools to deal with grief until it actually happens and while you may be hard on yourself I think you deserve a huge pat on the back. You're putting up a tree, you're baking cookies, as hard as it is you are still doing it, that's no small task!! You know I know my Mom had a terrible time after she lost her Mom, I was 7 at the time, I remember my Nan dying and my Mom often talks about the first 9 months and how horrific it was for her,constantly crying, my Dad not having a clue really how to deal with it because he just couldn't fix it (and HE was a fixer!!) ..........I never ever recall feeling neglected or anything like it and I'm sure in that time after losing her Mom, she definitely wasn't the same as she was before it, so I know your kids will never have anything but beautiful memories of all you do for them. You're in my thoughts every day Angel and sending you a big overseas (((hug))) and lots of love, Niamh xox

thank you all so much for such kind words and for all the support. @Kavish yep I do try to do things like my Dad, well actually it's more like it just happens and I find myself thinking after Dad would have done x,y,z like that and it's nice to follow in his footsteps. @Marty, thank you so much for your lovely message, wow you see a resemblence between us, many people have said that over the years, it's a pleasure to be so like him. His smile certainly did light up rooms and I don't think that's the first time I've heard someone say that about him so thanks for reminding me Marty. @RobB, I definitely do find myself doing and wanting to do things like my Dad did, it helps me sometimes especially when I get panicked worrying about things and I try live with how my Dad did. I get you wanting to celebrate your Mom's life,I'm really not there yet for a big happy go lucky party but I have my own little private things I do in honour of him, of us and the little things we used to do together. @Angel, thank you hon, A hug and prayer means so so much to me @Daughter2010 I check in still every day but just haven't had the time to post and reply. Thank you so much for saying such sweet things & for your never ending support and kindness. I'm sorry Christmas is so hard for you too but I'm also so grateful for the understanding.I think we are all moving in the right direction without a doubt, I still wonder at times how I am surviving this and I think underneath all my doubts if I dig deep I know my Dad is pushing me along nice and gently.It's a paradox but so often I want to talk to my Dad about my grief, I want to know what he'd say, how he thinks, yet if he was here physically there would be no need for that conversation. Sending you all lots of love and thanks always and I will be thinking of you all as the holidays go on. Niamh xo

2 years today since my dearest Dad left this world for what I hope is another "world". It's still unfathomable to me that 2 entire years have passed, time simply no longer makes sense.Although the grief and journey has changed over the time I still live with the pain of missing him, longing for him every minute of every day. There's so much I want to be able to chat to him about, so much I want him to tell me, sometimes I think it's the tiniest of things I need him for hurt more than major times like birthdays etc.Just to be able to tell him something so small and "insignificant", I would truly give anything at all for 1 minute with him. I know this resonates so well with everyone here. My Mom & I have nothing planned for today. This time 2 years ago all phones were hopping mad, the doorbell constantly ringing, the house slowly filling. Now I sit here in complete silence,in some ways wishing I could go back to that precious when the world almost stopped for a lot more people and my Dad was the centre of attention, today it's only for a few of us. I will go visit Dad, hopefully the weather stays dry so I can stay and have some "me time" with him and bring some nice flowers to decorate his grave,maybe bring a nice small real Christmas tree too. It's difficult having Christmas and his angelversary, as I've seen many people call it, so close together. I long to shop for him, spoil him rotten like he did me my entire life but the most I can shop for is little Christmas trinkets for his grave, it's just so wrong. I feel bad we have nothing planned to really "mark" the day, what is one supposed to do, we couldn't even think about going out for dinner, seeing everyone celebrate and having fun because of the time of year. Yet it's not just any other day for us either. So one thing I've decided to do which I've wanted to for a while but simply couldn't, is share the eulogy I wrote for my Dad and read myself on Monday 21st December 2009. It's probably the thing I am truly most proud of in my life and I know my Dad is too. It will give you an idea of the man he was and why I just cannot wait for the day I see him again. I wrote this on the second night of the wake, between 3-6am, sitting in my Dad's chair in the living room, Christmas tree lighting and my Dad lying right next to me in the coffin. Most of you knew my Dad Mick as a brother, uncle, cousin,brother-in-law, friend or colleague. To Mom & me he was so much more than that.No-one could ask for a better Dad or Husband.He was also a best friend to each of us.There was nothing he wouldn't do for us anytime night or day.He was always there to listen, to comfort us, make us laugh and give the best advice ever. He loved parties & family get togethers.He was always the life and soul of the party,providing entertainment and there was always a guarantee of a great sing song.He had a zest for life and lived it to the fullest. He also loved to travel both in Ireland and many places around the world.New York was his favourite city in the world and he would walk those streets all day everyday and never tire of it.I was fortunate to have recently spent time there with him and aswell as walking, he so generously spent many hours waiting as I shopped and enjoyed and laughed through it all. He also did his fair share of travelling around Ireland. He loved his Sunday spins with Mom. These were not always regular Sunday spins.Dad might decide on a Saturday night to go to Galway for lunch on Sunday & did this many times over the years, it was only up the road to him. (Just to put some context on this for those of you reading this on HOV, Galway is about a 3 hour drive from us and people were always fascinated at my Dad's "Sunday drives" driving that far for lunch). If you were in that car for a spin you were pretty much guaranteed to be listening to John Denver for most of that journey. He absolutely adored my Mom so much so when she was taken to hospital this time 2 years ago, he was in the same hospital himself within a few days--NO NOT visiting but as a patient, I guess he needed to be right there with her.He was never away from either of us, we were his whole life just like he was ours and always will be. It is an honour and a privilege to be his daughter and call him my Dad. We could never have asked for or wanted more from him as a Dad or Husband.I am forever grateful and thankful for all the years of love, happiness, laughter & support both Mom & I have had with Dad. I am proud to call this man my Dad & proud of the person I have become thanks to him. If we had to use only one word to describe my Dad, Mom's Husband it would be to call him a Gentleman. Thanks for everything Dad, we will cherish the memories forever & most of all thanks for just being you and always being there. We love you and will miss you always adn look forward to seeing you again someday. I know you've always wanted what is best for me & I want you to know ....I got it. I have you for my Dad and that's the best thing that could happen to anyone. All you wanted was to know you did you best and from the bottom of our hearts know that you did so much more than your best & couldn't have done anymore for all of us. We love and miss you always.xoxox I will never write words I am more proud of and more proud to share,I will never meet another human being as great as him. Just because he's not here in this physical world doesn't mean he should be forgotten. I want to boast to the world about my Dad, I want people to know what the kind of superstar he was.And still is, I've been every quiet this last month on this site as I've been up to my neck in stress,so much went wrong that I could barely cope yet as the days passed, while some family left me high and dry, my Dad stepped in because everything worked out so great, fell into place and there were just WAY too many "coincidences" & I know none of it happened without my Dad.So now I'm thinking it was a "good" thing that family flaked on me, maybe it was my Dad's way of pushing me so so hard to eventually realise he is still somewhere helping me. I'll explain another day because I want to share that story too, because I've been one of the biggest doubters believing he's around in the last 2 years. So while I can't really mark today doing anything special at home, sharing this with the world maybe even better. I hope my Dad is watching down, hugging me, smiling at his oh so proud daughter & hope he's also hard at work now to get me through the next couple of weeks and onwards through life. I've also attached 3 photos, one of my favourites of the 3 of us in NYC Christmas 2008, unfortunately that smile is long gone from me, the other of my Dad nibbling at turkey Christmas 2008 while helping with dinner, I miss those fun times so much. The last one of my precious place for me and Dad! Merry Christmas in Heaven Dad, xox To all those new to the site I hope you are finding some tiny comfort here, I will be back to reply to other posts in time, and a million billion thanks to everyone here for helping me through the last 2 years, I could not have done it without you. Sending hugs and love to you all during this difficult time & hope that your loved ones will reach out and let you know they are there. 2 songs that simply sum everything up here Michael's Daughter Niamh xo 　

hi Marty, Wow I was surprised to see all old data will be destroyed and no longer available (certainly glad I spotted that). Coming from IT background it surprised me, is it not possible to have the data migrated from the old company to the new one ?Companies change providers often but never have to lose data, companies will always plan for migrations in such cases and never have to lose data. (even if it was just maintained in some searchable archival format if it cannot be integrated into the new site as is) Just seems like such a shame as there is such an enormous wealth of information, love and support in all these posts over the years, would be awful to see it start over from scratch again. Just my IT nose sticking in , thanks Niamh

Oh Erin, I am so so sorry to hear about your friend, I can't even imagine how hard it was to see her decline like that, I hope looking at nice photos of happy times will help erase the horrible images. Like you say I really don't think anyone can truly prepare for losing someone regardless of knowing for sure you will I still don't think our human minds can truly grasp it until it happens, I don't think we could cope with it if we truly knew before hand because I think when it happens we do go into shock and our minds protect us by letting reality sick in so very slowly. I know there's nothing I can say to give you comfort, all I can do is send you lots of love and a big hug, Niamh xo

hi Erin, OH wow that I didn't expect to hear just like I'm sure you didn't either. I can't even imagine how difficult it is watching your friend. I have a friend who went through the same with one of her friends, she had such a hard time seeing her friend be sick, confused not recognising her, it's definitely very draining for you. Your feelings make perfect sense and as Marty says sounds so completely human and understandable. I just don't know what else to say other than here's a (((BIG HUG))) for you. You're in my thoughts too for 17th and your dear Mom, it's a mini one (23 months) for me so I've taken the day off work for me time, will be thinking of you tomorrow, Niamh x

hi Erin, Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. It's been a while so am not sure if you friend has already left this life and you are now dealing with the grief of losing her too. anyways, always here, sending lots of love, hugs and comfort your way Niamh xo

Roro, I can't even begin to imagine life without my Mom. Losing my Dad was my worst nightmare, sometimes I don't know how I am still surviving this. With regards to crying I would just say let it out when you need to and if that's everyday nothing wrong with that at all. I don't cry every single day now, I don't even know how long I did cry every day for but it was a while, a month is nothing at all. Yep grieving takes it's toll on every single part of you, it's a 24*7 job so even when you are sleeping your mind is trying to grasp what has happened. Rest up when you can and when you need it, just follow what your body wants to do. I think maybe you want to speed up the process but unfortunately there is no way around this, only straight through it, it can't be avoided. Have patience with yourself.Physically you body will adjust, that's how I describe it, the severe anger, rage, the non stop bursting into tears at every little thing does change, it does lessen. I still do struggle emotionally, the emptiness is tremendous. I'm not sure how to even phrase this but it's like I'm "used to it", it's always there but you just learn to live with it, it becomes a part of you so right now your entire mine & body are being slammed full force with this "new" addition of grief seeping right into every part of you. For me, some days are better than others, I can still have days where I just wish I could close my eyes and just disappear from this world and go hang out with my Dad, others days those intense feelings can be a little more dormant. When I get those bursts of emotion I just ride out that rollercoaster and go with it, let it out, feel what I feel. There really is no rule book, no time frame that anyone can tell you "you will feel like x,yz in x days, weeks, months". Unfortunately the journey is truly unique to each person so I'm just sharing my experience with you. ((hugs)) and wishing you much comfort, Niamh

Hi RoRo I am truly sorry for the loss of both your parents and in such a short time.you have definitely come to the right place here.I know I could have written much of what you feel.the one thing I can promise is that you are not crazy as much as it feels that way.Everything you feel is so so normal,I use the word normal lightly,of course it's not the normal you are used to but after all that you've had to deal with it is. It's difficult for sure dealing with 1001 emotions at the same time.I am almost 2 years into the loss of my Dad and some days I still want and expect the world to stop,how can everyone just keep going on,how can everyone else forget so soon(it's still soon if you ask me). Although none of us knows exactly what we are going through you'll certainly find people who can relate to it and for me I have found the tiniest comfort just knowing someone else has a clue as to how I feel.friends and family try to understand but sometimes they just want to fix everything.of course it's out of love an kindness but they cannot fix anything.talking with others who are living this nightmare has helped me realise there's nothing at all wrong with me.that crazy feeling is petty horrible but right now I think you are probably still in complete shock.like you I also am not married and no kids.I do still have my Mom,no siblings and she's about all that really keeps me going. I do find the loneliness one of the hardest things,it's just on a level I could never have imagined and I don't think anyone can take it away,some days it's just worse than others. I just think you need to be gentle with yourself for now,allow yourself to feel whatever you feel,come read/write here when you want.just remember it's all about you right now.I try hard not to think ahead about the future,just try to get through it all minute by minute some days. Sending hugs and love to you Niamh

thank you so much for such kind words Mir.Yep my Dad was the best gift I could have ever asked for. I too often felt like I was the one and only exception to society's "rules on grief". Everytime people would say the usual cliches I would think they don't apply to me, I'm different from everyone else. But after coming here I have thankfully realised no we are not exceptions, we just all deal with the loss of our loved ones in OUR WAY in OUR TIME & I think the more people talk about grief the more we educate those who have so little patience. I refuse to brush it under the carpet with anyone (within reason of course) and those who can't or don't want to deal with then for now I have to distance myself from them. Actually I often think somehow it's my Dad who keeps his memory alive through me & my actions. I've always been told how alike we are in so many ways,more and more as I got older, so many little habits which I did often notice but since his loss it's become so much stronger and I feel pround and truly priviliged & grateful to be so like him.I have actually surprised myself many times probably most especially when it comes to my Mom and I feel like I am becoming more like him everyday. My hope is he is somewhere watching over me with one big smile and feeling as proud as he always did, I only wish I could chat with him about everything. ((hugs)) to you Niamh xo

Erin,sending you tons of love and hugs, it's a vicious hard day I know. Just know I'm thinking of you and your dear Mom, (((hugs))) Niamh xo

hi pmpupdamike , I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad. I wish there were words of comfort but as I always say they just do not exist, there is nothing anyone can say to "make this better". I also read your post regarding activity on this board and feeling like not many responded. I have been on this board about 18 months now and all I can say is just hang tough, this place can feel like an online family. Yes it can be somewhat quiet sometimes but of all the grief forums online I've seen it's by far the most active and every here is so sincere as I think you can see. I come and read here every single day (sometimes several times a day) but sometimes I just dont have the energy to write, sometimes feel I don't know what to say and truthfully sometimes I feel like I will sound discouraging to newer members when I am almost at the 2 year mark of losing my Dad and still struggling. I lost my Dad in Dec 09, he went into hospital 1 week before Christmas with kidney stones and was scheduled for routine surgery 3 days later. Why they waited so long I don't know, he was stuck on a trolley in the corridor of the ER which added more stress. 6 hours before his op he went to the bathroom and went into cardiac arrest. I have no words for the shock, the loss, to this day my new reality can stun me so much. My Dad was my best friend, I have no siblings and was such a Daddys girl (my parents were 5 years trying to have me!). We did everything together, planned everything together from holidays to birthday presents, Christmas presents. I am so lost without him and now as Christmas approaches along with 2nd anniversary i am just dreading it. The loneliness rips me apart at times. This site has and continues to be a lifeline to me, everyone is so caring, nobody judges, nobody expects you to be a certain way, feel a certain way. I know society in general tends to give you 1 year max and once all the "firsts" are over you're expected to be fine, life goes back to normal. Well, reality is so so different as far as I am concerned. I feel like I am in a different time continuim to everyone else. Like I said my Dad will be gone 2 years on Dec 17th. 2 years used to be quite a long time, very much so in the past but no so anymore. Now 2 years since losing my Dad feels like only weeks ago although it does also feel like a lifetime since I saw him. I know at one month I struggled very much with everything surrounding how we lost him, what the hospital did etc. I had so much anger and rage. It hasn't fully disappeared but I guess I have more of a handle on it these days, that's not to say I don't erupt like a volcano at times :-). Please know people are reading and can relate even if they don't respond immediately so please stay with us and you will find people who can relate. sending love and ((hugs)) your way Niamh

I had this exact conversation with a friend last night who lost her husband. I feel like I just go through the motions of life but I dont truly enjoy anything anymore. I know in my heart the happiest days are truly over and not even half way through my life I find that a struggle, nothing will ever be as good as it was before. Even if something good happens, it's always going to be tarnished by Dad not being here to share it so it's like the good will always be taken out of everything. I know I hate seeing changes around that he's not hear to see, things he didn't even see the start of. I lots of things have a timeline of "before" and "after" I lost him. Spika, I too know part of me went with my Dad, the spark is gone and unless my Dad walks back in the front door, it won't ever come back in this lifetime. I find I just don't and can't care about anything anymore other than my Mom. Sometimes even with friends I find myself feeling ah everyone leaves anyways, everyone's going to let you down because parents are the only ones you truly have you top of their list all the time. I keep comparing people and things people do to how my Dad was and nobody ever comes close to him and it's frustrating. I really just find myself wishing this life away, it feels pretty senseless now and I want to get to the point of seeing my Dad again. it's a long lonely road.... ((hugs)) Niamh

It does seem a little scary but I too wonder then about the afterlife, when you hear so many stories of people who've come back,had NDEs, people who were "met" by their loved ones or just saw their loved ones right before they came back to life, maybe it's not so scary and lonely, maybe because we don't know it seems that way to us. I go back and forth all the time. I hear too how people talk about their loved ones somehow just being at peace in those last seconds, to me its like they must be getting comfort and peace from somewhere outside our world because I think without it people couldn't be a peace leaving everyone behind, they must know more than us right at that moment. Try not to compare yourself to your friend hon, everyone deals so differently and what's hard for you may be "ok" for her but maybe something thats "ok" for you is hard for her. It's very easy to make assumptions without really know what's going on in someone's head. Just know there is nothing wrong with your questions and what you wonder, I think it's just part of grief, part of our brains trying to process the unthinkable. ((hugs)) Niamh

hi hello123, no need to apologise, post as often as you want or need to!! I can relate to what you wonder so much. My Dad went into the bathroom in the hospital around 3am and just dropped. I hate that he was completely on his own, I always wonder did he know at that moment what was happening, how did he feel, did he know he was about to leave me and Mom all alone. I wonder if he felt lonely, if he was scared (my Dad was never scared of anything). Then I wonder too if he saw this bright light and feel the love and peace people talk about and I wonder if he just didn't want to come back, that the "light" was nicer than life on earth. I guess I think like that becuase of hearing about people who come back from that moment and wonder why my Dad didn't, did he have a choice or not. I find I sometimes have this intense overwhelming pity for him in those moments, that nobody at all was there with him, that he wasn't given the chance to say goodbye to us, that he was just snatched away without any choice. As hard as it is, my friends have been through it, I'd love to have had the chance to hold him, hug him in those last moments. I hate that my last memory of seeing him alive is him stuck on a trolley in the corridor of the ER being given morphine for the pain. I'm sure your neighbour would be more than happy to talk to you if you need to talk to her. Maybe your Dad did say something to her. I'm sure it's hard to approach her about it, not knowing whether or not you'll get any more information. ((hugs)) and love to you Niamh

thanks Spika and you're SO welcome. I could have written so much of what you wrote. Yep doctors do have to protect themselves and I think it's definitely seriously draining if you take a case. When we went to lawyer first I had made the decision that this was just a little more investigation, I didn't think one way or another whether I wanted a lawsuit. However I see it so often in the news here when people do take cases and win them, it's always 6,7,8,9 years after and I just can't imagine the trauma that would bring. I also noticed that with any monetary payouts ...........more is always paid for any type of damage that for someone who has died. Of course I know it's horrendous if someone needs lifetime care etc but I feel like death isn't as big a deal in lawsuits and I find that hard to accept knowing the reality. When we were starting it I just kept asking my Dad to let the right thing happen, whichever way that was going to go. You know I can relate to when you talk about the possibility that your Dad ignored something. I get mad with my Dad at times. When he was in hospital they would have if he had chest pain (YES, that was there way of "checking" his heart") and he kept saying no. But I know my Dad well and unless he was literally bent over unable to move in pain he would always say he was fine. So I do sometimes wonder if maybe he just didn't want them going at his heart/chest etc on top on the kindney stone pain he had. Or that he just had the attitude " I'll be fine" because he always thought like that, almost not taking things seriously ? Sometimes I think my Dad maybe thought he was invincible :-) I've never dealt directly with any family dying from cancer Spika but I have friends who've lost family & friends and they have talked about how the person can change especially towards the end, I've just heard them talking how different the person had become, sometimes completely personailty changes, but it was nothing the person was truly conscious of, it was related to the cancer. It's hard having that feeling like there's something you don't know, I feel that too. But as you say Spika if you don't feel like asking the doctors today that's ok, if the day comes where you feel like you can, I'm sure it would not be an issue and you would be able to find the doctor and talk to them. I hope your Mom's birthday went ok, those days are so extra hard and I can't really celebrate them anymore, they are not happy days, in fact I find them extra sad and lonely because it's almost even more in my face of what's missing. lots of ((hugs)) to you, Niamh

hi Spika, I'm so sorry for all the whys and questions you have now, I can relate to that. My Dad passed suddenly when in hospital and I've been so angry with the hospital for their lack of monitoring, always wondering what if,what if. It was the last thing we were expecting to lose him when he's was just in for a simple standard procedure. My Dad's doctor was a family friend and I did ask him the what ifs and he just told me there was no point in going down that road. While I know he did this out of care etc, at the same time it angered me, I wanted the answers and I still do but I know there is not a doctor in the country will actually disagree with they way things were handled. I did go to a lawyer and had things checked out to see if we had a case against the hospital. More than anything I needed to do it for me, I needed some more answers. However I was left with more questions after the fact and told there was no negligence by the hospital. But that was one person's "opinion". I could have gone further with it but through this process found out the autopsy actually missed some tests to prove the cause of the blockage that took my Dad's life (it was assumed it was his heart because he had a heart condition, I'm angry that assumptions were made and NOT PROVEN). So if I was to take it further, more information would be needed...........possibly more tests which would require exhumation. I knew I could not go through all of that & the time it would take so I just couldn't. Has that stopped the questions, absolutely not. Those questions are just a part of me now. Some days they still raise their ugly heads and everything flies through my mind, other days they are just there under the covers but I don't think they will ever go away. I think regardless of how we lose somebody we have questions, we have the whys, what ifs and for me I want to blame somebody, I want somebody to be at fault...... I think it's because I don't have any other explanation for why my Dad's not here because I don't really know the bigger picture of what life is all about, what death really is so at least being able to "blame" somebody brings some tiny sense to it all that it's "their fault" I no longer have my Dad in this world. I have a hard time when I hear of other people including my Dad's brother, going into hospital for simple procedures and LEAVING hospital again, always wondering why not my Dad. I don't think I will ever not feel the hospital was at fault and I will always wonder what if they had done a,b,c. I know people say it "won't help", there's "no point in asking", "nothing can bring him back" .........BUT regardless you have these burning questions and there is nothing wrong with that . Although I ended up with more questions than answers I am still glad I went that step further because I did get a tiny bit more information on medically what exactly caused my Dad's heart to stop..........so for me it was worth it to even get 1 question answered, we have so many so if there is anything that you can do to even get 1 of them answered then I'd say go for it. I've heard some people saying that going back to the hospital and talking to the doctors/nurses etc that sometimes they can get some more info, some more "clarity" (for what of a better word) on what happened. I too have my regrets, sometimes guilt for not "doing more". These questions always become more prominent at certain anniversarys so I just gotta ride it out. I had a very close friend lose her father and they were "expecting" it ........having read so many stories of people's experiences I don't think a human can ever truly "expect" it, I don't think anything can truly prepare you for the shock and the absence, the questions and so on. Just know that you are not the only one who has all these unanswered questions. sending you love and ((hugs)) Niamh

hi Squirrel, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad and a BIG welcome to this site. You will definitely find lots of kind caring people here who can relate to what you are going through. I lost my Dad suddenly in Dec 09, doesn't remotely feel like almost 2 years. I'm sorry you have to deal with the additional stress of your Dad's estate. As Ron said at this point simple things like eating, getting out of bed are struggles enough besides all the paperwork. I am an only child so when it came to sorting things out I had to do quite a bit too for my Mom. Do you have anyone who can help you with the paperwork and those jobs that need to be done. When I had to be dealing with those things I would take my time with them, doing one thing at a time.........sometimes 1 thing is all I could do on a given day and I would do it and leave the next thing until another day. Although to the outside world these may be just "simple" things like making calls to get information, provide information, when you are in such shock it takes it's toll even trying to make a call. I would break down crying everytime I had to call the bank, phone company etc to do anything because I could barely utter the words about my Dad. Thankfully most people I dealt with were very gentle and understanding. You are absolutely not going overboard with any of your feelings or emotions, there is nothing too emotion or negative when it comes to grief so I hope you know that every single thing you feel is perfectly "normal". It's not the normal you are used to but now given the loss of your Dad everything you say is ok. I've had people tell me that I need to be postive etc etc but at the end of the day you feel what you feel and you are perfectly entitled to feel it. Nobody has the right to tell you anything is too negative or emotional, you're entire world has just been ripped apart. I can relate to you feeling like you dont know how to carry on. I often wonder how on earth I have survived the last 22 months, it was my worst nightmare and never did I expect to lose my Dad so so soon. Again as Ron mentioned some people just take this minute by minute. Much of the time I try not to think ahead at all, the future without my Dad still scares me, life is WAY too long without him and I still don't know how to do it. So I do take it minute by minute and figure what's the point in thinking, stressing and worrying about tomorrow, next week or even sometimes this evening. Sometimes it is very hard to to do, to just exist and be in the very moment of "now", other times I can do it because I feel so overwhelmed when the tiniest thing goes wrong and I try to just put things out of my head and just get through the next 60 seconds. Know that you deserve a big pat on the back for surviving this nightmare already for the last 3 months. This site has been a lifeline to me, just knowing someone else in this world can relate and understands means so much. It doesn't make me any less sad but there is just the tiniest comfort to know that while sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the world hurting as much as I do, in reality there is someone else out there who can relate. Please keep sharing with us and my only "advice" is to be very gentle with yourself and don't try to force yourself to do anything you don't feel up to. Right now this is all about you and there is no right or wrong way to deal with any of this, all your feelings and emotions are ok. None of us knows exactly what the other is going through but as I said people will relate. Nobody here will ever tire of hearing how you are doing or ever judge what you are saying or feeling. As I always say I only wish there were words of comfort but they just do not exist. Sending lots of love and a (((BIG HUG)) to you, Niamh

thinking of you Shelly and I hope you will have some good fortune and be able to get a new place, ((hugs)) and love to you, Niamh x

thanks as always Marty, really great article and I just wish it was possible to send it to every single person on this planet and ensure they read it !

Wow, thanks for posting Ron. I just love the quotes above, amazing just like the man himself. I felt my heart strings pulled on hearing about Steve Jobs. I don't know him, only ever knew of him, didn't follow or watch his launches of products etc yet somehow I have tears over this since hearing. I think maybe because he was young, knowing another family has now joined our club, knowing another Daddy has been taken from this world too soon is hitting me hard. RIP Mr.Jobs and my heart goes out to your family

Erin, I am SO sorry about your friend. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is for you already trying to deal with so much yourself. You sound like a heck of a great friend and I'm glad you are at least able to get the chance to visit her. Ugh I just don't know what to say, there are no words. Just know that I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs hon. (((((())))))) Niamh x