niamh

thanks Kavish, I actually always ask him to mind my car and me when I go there as I often go in the late evenings because it's so beautiful and I have always been fine. It's just worrying speaking to someone who witnessed it so recently. Maybe I'll make up a professional looking anti theft camera sticker to put on the car when I am there, it might be a deterrent. It's so sad that everyone going there is now making only very quick visits in an out because of this. Niamh

hi Susan, I am so so sorry for the loss of your darling Mom. A big welcome to you here and sorry you've become part of this club none of wants to be in. I lost my Dad just over 2.5 years ago and it changed me more than I could ever imagined and took much away from me. I have lost 2 aunts as an adult, one only 6 years ago who was like a second Mom to me and a best friend but losing my Dad knocked everything out of me. It took me 2.5 months and 2 tries of going back to work before I could finally stay there and my job was something I loved, great team, great mangement thankfully and I was very good at it. When I went back it was like my mind was a blank slate, everything I had ever known was buried deep beneath the grief. For the first 6months I only spoke with probably 2 people in work and I had been working with these people for almost 5 years but every ounce of confidence was gone. I feared every meeting, being around groups of people (meetings are ok now but I still dislike large groups in social settings which I was always fine with). I think losing a parent you are close to causes us to lose our grounding in life, regardless of their age and ability to "take care" of us, I think at the end of the day they are an invisible security blanket and when that gets stripped away suddenly, like Miss Ngu says, it's a feeling of being a child again with nobody to take away the fear that comes. (I think it's a shock regardless of whether we "know" someone is going to die so I think it's always "sudden", nothing can truly prepare our minds). So I hope that as alone as you feel you are not with your feelings, so many here can relate somewhat to how you are feeling and it's all so normal, nothing at all wrong with you although it may feel like it, it's such a natural reaction. I'm still not as confident as I used to be and I stil avoid many many situations especially social things because of the insecurity, it's hard but in some ways I am "used to it", the only thing i have accepted is that I am so different now and I always will be, I know deep in my heart I will never be the person I once was. Like you I used to be such a fun happy person, I still struggle with it. Honestly I feel like I no longer actually understand what real happiness is. People say eventually I will be happy again, not sure I believe that. When anything "good" happens now there's always a big sting of not being able to share it with Dad and it still makes me very sad. For me I do think the best time of my life is over with and I don't mean to sound all negative like some might think,that is just my reality because there is no part of my life I can escape to that my Dad was not a part of ..........right down to a night on the town with the girls.........he would be our taxi in!! So I find the emptiness everywhere and live with it as best I can. I think the one "good" change is my empathy, I have always been compassionate and empathetic but it's risen to a level I could not have imagined before this. I have no real words of true comfort for you, they just don't exist but know that others in this world can relate. Keep sharing here, it's been my lifeline since losing my Dad. nobody here ever judges, ever gets sick of hearing how sad life is and how much we miss our loved ones. sending you much love and a big ((HUG)), Niamh

I have been going to visit my Dad quite a bit recently as the weather is nice and I love being up there. Well this morning I heard some really bad news. It turns out there's a few people breaking into cars or just smashing their windows at the cemetery. The main gates into the cemetery are mostly locked now due to joy riders almost killing a young child racing in there some time back. An elderly man stayed by my car this morning waiting for me because he has seen this happen and seen the people, however he could not get a number plate, it's the same people all the time. One of them actually jumped around waving at him recently thinking they had smashed his car, well it was someone else's when he got out to the outside car park but they had taken off real fast in their jeep. The cops won't go near it, apparently it's happening in cemeteries all over the city and country. Security cameras were removed due to their cost. I am beyond dis heartened by this, it's so DISGUSTING, these people do not deserver to be on this earth while my Dad is not here. Yet it doesn't look like anything can be done about it. There is no where else to park, it's off a main road on a quiet country road. So now I no longer feel safe to go up there and it was my one place of solace where I feel closest to my Dad. Maybe in time I'll go again and just hope and pray my Dad looks after me and my car, I always ask him to anyways when I go but having spoken to 2 people this morning who have witnessed this makes me truly nervous. WHY WHY WHY, isn't it life hard enough for people who go to cemeteries. I'm So disillusioned by people, my heart has now sunk to a new low , ((hugs)) to all, Niamh

hi Miss Ngu, thank you for your lovely kind words, it's nice to know what I write can sometimes "help" someone. I really don't think it's a case of you choosing the "wrong" friends, I think even the best of friends can fail someone who is grieving because they just do not understand the enormity of it .......my attitude since this happened is that it needs to be spoken about, it needs to be brought out into the open, the world needs to be educated about the true impact of losing a loved one and not continuously sweep it under the carpet because it's been here since day one and it's here to stay ! You are totally worth someone staying enganged in the conversation acknowledging what you are going through, how you are feeling but I definitely don't think you should "blame" yourself for chosing these people. I'm sure deep down they care and they just do not know what to say, how to act in these conversations as opposed to them not truly caring. (it's mainly very close family this happened with for me and I know the care underneath it all but just don't seem to be able to talk about it the way I need for now). I have definitely changed in what I will give and accept from people since this happened. To be honest I think I have stopped having expectations from anyone now, it kind of makes it easier because there's no lash of a let down then. Just do what you need for yourself Miss Ngu, if you don't feel up to listening to others' problems take the time out you need, you deserve that at the very least, now it's time for Miss Ngu pleasing ((hugs)) as always, Niamh

((HUGS)) Shelley, I'm just so sorry and I know there;s no words to fix this for you, I just can relate, one second at a time love to you Niamh xo

hi Miss Ngu, I can totally relate to that, it's SO awkward when that happens, I've been there many times. I have since distanced myself from those it happened with even though some were very close family. For me I felt of all the people in the world I should not have to pretend with them or hide my true feelings but it also made me VERY uncomfortable to be met with silence when I would bring up my sadness and so on. I think some people just do not know how to deal with someone grieving and although they care they just dont know what to say, hence the silence. I don't want one way conversations where they sit and listen but then say nothing, I don't want pity or anything but just an acknowledgement of my feelings and it's very hard when you feel like you're just talking to a blank wall. When the subject would be changed or ignored I would then be the one to go into silent mode thinking "if you can't talk with me about my feelings, I really don't want to hear about you and your life". I know that might sound harsh but it's how I feel. All relationships are a 2 way street and nobody should have to pretend or hide how they are feeling to avoid silence. I am still distanced from them and have encountered the silence even in the last few months (2.5yrs later) so I still stay away. I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about, this is their issue not yours, you feel what you feel and nothing wrong with it. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with it. I do have a few close friends who can deal with it so I am very grateful for that......I wish I could share them with you (",) ((hugs)) to you, Niamh

hi bec123, I am so sorry for the loss of both your parents, I cannot even imagine that. I lost my Dad 2.5 yrs ago and am still pretty lost and feel like I just go through the motions of life everyday. I was 34 and like you I don't have a partner, now the thoughts of all that scares me, afraid of meeting someone, afraid of being alone so I take it just day by day and try not to think of the future, there's too much time ahead of me without my Dad. It is very hard and while people have the best of intentions with what the say often it does hurt, probably because there really are no true words of comfort at a time like this so everything sounds wrong. I am sorry nobody will help out with clearing your house. I've realised that as much as people say they will always be there, yep I have some really close friends who are great for listening and being patient but I have given up asking for help with anything that requires more than an ear from most people. I've been let down with little things but things my Dad would have jumped to help with but it seems too big a deal for others and I find the letdowns way too hard to deal with. So I've stopped asking and stopped expecting, personally I think it's a very lonely world even with good friends. Feeling anxious all the time is normal, in my experience you just get used to it and live with it all. It was 2.5 mnths before I could go back to work, I tried twice and ran from the place in floods of tears and also panic like you. Thankfully they were understanding and my boss had told me it might take a few tries before I could stay in there and he said their main aim was to help me just be able to sit at my desk and stay in work, maybe not jump back into lots of work but just to be able to stay. I got there eventually, it was very hard but with the support I had in work it helped somewhat. They also changed my role and responsibilities for a while to help ease my way back. I felt like my mind was a blank slate going back, I could not remember anything at all, but it was there just buried under the shock of everything. Things have eased with work now, my confidence has slowly returned, it has been frustrating and still is but I've learned to be gentle with myself. I still have my days of worrying about everything and feeling scared and anxious and when that happens I just try to take it one minute at a time, tv is my escape from it all, to rest the mind, heart and soul so I dive into that full force when I feel really anxious and it allows the escape and break from it all. Please keep talking here, you will never be a burden, we can all relate in some shape or another to what you are going through and hopefully being here can just help you realise that as alone as you do feel there is at least 1 other person in the world who can relate to you, ((hugs)) to you, Niamh

Just sitting here wishing so much tomorrow was just another normal Father's Day but it's not and I miss my Dad more each day. Just wrote this poem and if you read the first letter of each line it spells out his name ((hugs)) to all missing their Dad's always My Heart is always with you I miss you every day Cheering me on in life Having you by my side Always there to count on Each day I miss you more Living life without you Oh it hurts me so So please watch over me Until we meet again Loving me always Leading me through each day I'd love to sit and chat Visit if you can A dream of you for which I pray Niamh wants so bad to wish you a Happy Father's Day Miss and love you always Dad, all my love from your one and only xoxox

aw Shelley, I'm sorry things are SO SO bad for you. I don't know what to say, I can relate to wanting out often, just try to get through 1 single minute at a time. Sending you much love and a big hug, Niamh x

so sorry Miss Ngu, like Em I can totally related to not having that one person to run to with your fears. My Dad was my go to person and no matter how big the fear, even if he couldn't fix everything immediately or even at all, just the words he would use and having him to talk to would be enough to calm me down and stop worrying. I don't have that now, my Mom gets just as scared as I do so sometimes I don't say anything to her as I don't want to worry her. Some close friends are good to listen but they can't really calm me or comfort me, I guess I just doubt everyone else who says "it'll be ok", it's only my Dad I would truly believe that from. Now when things get me very anxious I ask my Dad (actually shout and scream sometimes at him) to help me and I try not to think ahead and just get through minutes at a time. I will often ask myself if the thing I'm fearing is something I have to deal with right now this every second (and it's not because it's always something in the future, whether days, weeks, months etc) so I just try to forget it. Sometimes it works, other times it doesnt so I have a good old cry, I have my "poor me" moments and do the best I can. I still don't know how to get through an entire lifetime without my Dad and it truly scares me thinking of it so back to just getting through today is enough. No words of advice or comfort hun as I know only your Mom could give you the peace of mind that you need but just know you're not alone with the fears, wishing you much peace and ((hugs)) Niamh

aw Shelley, that's awful news, so sad. Very sorry, much peace and hope for a miracle for your cousin and family, Niamh x

Shelley, I wish you much peace. I've had panic attacks too although not so recently thankfully. When I get them I just think to myself to hang on real tight, let the feelings out, go with them and try to take it one second at a time and just know that the panic will end, it will pass so hopefully you can trust that. ((hugs))) Ni

I totally agree with you all and like you Beth am sorry that we all share this feeling, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think the loneliness is one of the hardest things to live with. No matter what I dont think anyone or anything can fill the void we are left with. I think I actually feel loneliest when surrounded by people, especially if it's some sort of celebration and everyone is so happy. missingad I too always think nobody will love me like my Dad did, it's a bond that just can't exist with anyone else. I know I lost a part of me too when I lost my Dad. I remember that very split second so so well, it's forever imprinted in my mind and I honestly felt that part of myself disappearing. Beth M & missingdad Im sorry people don't want to talk about it with you but we are always here and never ever tire of talking about it ! Miss Ngu, I'm sorry most of your friends don't call anymore, I've certainly drifted from "friends" too and haven't heard from some in well over a year. It certainly made me realise who my real true friends are and it's a small small number. I've stopped having expectations of anyone because I realise that even when people say "i'm always there whenever you need anytime", that's not reality, those who are there are there when it suits them but that's just life and I've learned that I can only truly rely on myself. I think our parents, for those of us fortunate to have those kind, are the only ones truly there 100% of the time for anything anytime. I don't know where you are from Miss Ngu but I know Mother's day is tomorrow in the US so if it is wherever you are sending you tons of love and a big virtual hug, it's an awful hard day. ((hugs)) to each of you, Niamh

hi Beth, I'm so sorry that it's hard for you when you find it hard to hear stories about your Dad and your Mom needs to talk. It's so so hard when 2 people grieving for the same person need the opposite while grieving. I cannot talk about my Dad at all and neither can my Mom so we are on the same page there. Sometimes when I hear family members mention stories that I was around for I can barely breath, salt on the raw would as you say. I do like hearing stories (although it's SO RARE) from his brothers and cousin about when they were growing up...............I guess probably because I was not around then so I don't have attached memories to those stories but it's so rare, his family rarely talk about him. I talked to my Mom about it recently and she said after my Grandmother passed away none of the boys spoke much of her after either, not even my Dad. I have no words of advice just wanted to share and acknowledge your post, hugs to you Niamh

thank you so much Miss Ngu and thanks for the sweet comments on my photo, everyone always mentions our smiles, I haven't smiled like that in over 2 years :-(. I get that scared little girl feeling too, the invisible security blanket it just gone and nobody can ever take it's place. I never realised the reality of the real security a parent gives in this world, no matter what their age. Wow, I've said that so many times about my Dad...........he would want me to feel what I feel. I remember people pushing me hard in the beginning telling me my Dad would want me to do A,B,C etc and I simply couldn't, it has to me on my schedule not anyone else's and that's what my Dad would want. I dont like others telling me what my Dad would want when many of them never even knew my Dad or our relationship. I think every single one of us is strong, we are surviving in this world without our loved ones, that takes a hell of a lot of strength. I saw a great saying recently that I really believe in "Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain. In reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it and accept it". I have no doubt all our parents are so proud of us, we struggle on in life every minute of everyday without them and it's our right to do it our way. ((hugs)) as always Niamh

hi Miss NGU, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. sorry too for my delay in actually replying to one of your posts, sometimes I find it hard to find the words ! I think it's perfectly normal to feeling abandoned when your Dad is going away on a trip. I think once we lose a parent that fear of losing the remaining parent really comes to the front of our minds. I know for me I tell my Mom I love her every single night, everytime I drop her somewhere because I think somewhere is that fear what if it's the last time. I hate being away from her. I remember when I lost my Aunt 5.5 yrs ago, we were so close and I always hated my parents going away on trips, it was too lonely and I would always have that feeling of being abandoned and left alone. Thinking back I know there were many times I would think "this is what it will be like someday". Now when my Mom is even out for a night (she never goes away without me now), I have that horrible feeling that someday this will be a permament feeling & it's a scary feeling. I hate that I have lost the innocence of life so much. I'm so sorry too you are feeling like everyone else is also gone. Grief can be such a lonely place especially as time goes on everyone else truly forgets about it yet you face it every waking second of everday. I've lost touch with a few people also because I struggled to reach out and maintain contact with people and after a while they stopped contacting me, I guess maybe they got sick of having to "chase me". I hope you know we are always here on this site, I love that nobody ever gets sick of hearing about each other's struggles in this world without one or both our parents. It's continues to be my lifeline 2 years later, I still check here everyday, I think it makes me feel normal hearing other people's stories. Good for you and your husband dieting and congrats on losing 7lbs, that's great !! hugs and love to you, Niamh

((hugs)) to you Angel. I find too I think my mind still blocks it out at times, I think it's the only way I can survive with this invisible anaesthetic. Aw I didn't realise your Grandma was Irish. I like having the things my Dadliked to eat also and always make a point on my special days to get one of his favourite things to eat. Wow, I'm sorry to hear about you youngest child, same thing happened with a close friend of mine recently, it sounds so hard to cope with on the best of days. I have things every single day too that I want to share with Dad, a lot of them are so small and I don't end up sharing with anyone else because sometimes there are so "insignificant" but yet so significant if it was between me and Dad. I know I still really look forward to the day I meet him again.......sometimes I wonder how will my mind keep track of all the things we need to catch up on. love and hugs to you Angel and hoping as always that your Grandma and my Dad are still somewhere by our sides, Niamh x

hi Daughter2010, I'm just over 2 years in and still feeling a lot of pain. I keep going everyday like you do but I still have so many times and days where that longing to see my Dad is so intense. There are still times when something will happen and for a split second I'll think can't wait to tell Dad and see what he thinks.....:-( Sometimes it still feels like this reality is just a dream. Unfortunately I don't see my Dad in my dreams either and I long for that every night. Doesn't make sense to me considering our closeness why he can't come in a dream, surely I'm more open to it then as opposed to when I am awake and consciously questioning the afterlife. I still read here everyday but like you there are times when I just barely glance and I want to forget that this is what I am living with now but of course I can't, it's always there. I can totally relate to you saying your Dad not being here feels wrong, I feel that too, like life made a mistake and I wish it would fix it ! I had to go to a wedding recently and it was so painful, I couldn't enjoy it, neither could my Mom. As well as wishing my Dad was there for it I also had such an overwhelming sadness because not only was I missing him but I felt like he was missing out on being here for it because he would have had so much fun. When it comes to needing advice I have a real hard time, while I have friends and family nobody can give advice like my Dad and I want his opinion on so much, nobody can say the things he said......makes me feel mad with people at times but of course it's not their fault. There's just nobody like my Dad just like yours ! love and hugs to you, so glad like you to have everyone on this site. Niamh x

I think it's a good idea to send it also. Just because more years pass doesn't make an anniversary any less meaningful but in general people do "forget" to acknowledge, the longer it's been so I would definitely think it's a really nice gesture to show you do still remember and took time out to acknowledge it. Niamh

I figured I'd post this in this section as most people read here. I recently came across a couple of great sites on facebook, I think you should be able to see them even if you don't use facebook. They continuously post so many beautiful pictures with the most apt words, quotes etc around grief and missing our loved ones. http://www.facebook.com/GriefsJourney http://www.facebook....#!/grieftoolbox http://www.facebook.com/SteppingthroughGrief This is another site related to one of the above facebook pages that has lots of great articles, poems and many more resources around dealing with grief. http://esdeer.com/ I wanted to share one of the poems I've just read, it really made a lot of sense to me. The first thing I thought of when I read this was "yes, that explains exactly how I manage to get up everyday and enter the world without my Dad" I will come to you in your sleep. And lie awhile next to your gentle breath. I lay my head down next to yours and feel the beat of a heart that's broken. I feel the ache within you and gently breathe life back into your hurt. I give you my love, I give you my heart and I leave you with hope. And when you awake, you know not how But your life has been touched by the invisible presence of love. I will come to you in your sleep and rest with you awhile. © Maureen Hunter I hope you find these sites as beautiful as I do, Niamh x

hi Beth, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Dad and having to face his birthday so so soon on top of it. I don't have any words of real comfort, I don't believe they exist. I too lost my Dad suddenly 26 months ago and I was his biggest fan & will forever be my Daddy's girl. I do think as time goes on the rest of the world forgets what you are going through every single day and many people do tire of hearing about it. This site and everyone here continues to be a lifeline for me and I hope you will find that too. Nobody here ever tires of hearing the same thing, the same feelings. While none of us knows exactly how we each feel there's so much we can relate to so I hope you always feel like you can keep talking and sharing here. My Dad and losing him is still the first thought when I wake and the last thought before I go to sleep 7 days a week and a billion times throughout everyday. It's still a huge deal to me and it always will be as far as I am concerned. I can so relate to you trying to do something that normally your Dad is part of, I still have a hard time doing things like that, the emptiness is just so HUGE and things feel so wrong because he's not there. I am sorry you are dreading today so much and that while you want to be alone you will go spend it with your Mom and boys. I hope you get through the day "ok" for want of a better word. Sending lots of good wishes and peace to you and thinking of you on this awful extra hard day. ((hugs)) to you Niamh

Happy Birthday Marty, lots of love and thanks to you,hope you have a much deserved great day Niamh

((HUGS)) to you Deb,it's an extra tough day I'm sure. I too find it hard to grasp the world and life just carrying on without my Dad.I know I look ok on the outside but there are many tears still at night when I go to bed,wishing I could turn back time and just hang out with him. Hope you get through the day "ok" for want of a better word Niamh Xo

hi Cat_Lady, ((HUGS)) to you getting through the first anniversary, it's such a difficult time and so close to the holidays too. I had my Dad's second anniversary on 17th December. Like you I'm an only child, I don't think anyone can actually fill that hole left when you lose a parent. I still find birthdays and holidays very difficult but I will say it feels different from last year........I can't say easier because it's just different. I think when certain times of the year come up it can feel like you're going backwards but I think that's just the emotions coming out during those times. Of course times like your birthday can be bitter sweet now although you have your daughter and husband with you but at the same time you're missing your Mom so I think it's just a mine-field of emotions. I know for me I am just patient with myself, I have days where I cannot speak to anyone, I just want my bed, my tv and no interraction with anyone else, other days I will meet people, go do some jobs etc. When I have those moments where it just feels like the world is collapsing on me again I just take a time out for myself and realise that not every single moment is always like this. I know when I had my Dad's first anniversary coming up I thought I was going absolutely crazy, the second year I guess I had a little more expectation, I knew it was an emotional time coming up and a time to just be kind and gentle with myself because I knew I would be feeling so all over the place emotionally. All I say is just be kind and gentle with yourself, everyday you wake up is progress, grief will be your best friend on this journey and will not take you in the wrong direction, it knows the way sending you ((hugs)) and love Niamh

I just wanted to say that I am thinking of everyone during these extra tough days. To say Merry Christmas just doesn't feel right to me so just sending everyone lots of love, comfort and a wish for much peace over the holidays and into the New Year. thank you all too for being such great support and long may it continue, Niamh:wub: