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I agree with Charlie, My wife Karen lost her mother 8 years ago to cancer, and we knew all knew she wouldn't make it. We had Hospice for the last months of her life in her home. She had a real good day the Tuesday before she died and told everyone individually her good-bye and we got to tell her ours. I don't like that she had to suffer, but we did get to say good-bye. My wife died 9 weeks ago from a heart attack while we were on vacation. Now, while I know she knew how I felt about her and how much I loved her, I didn't get to say good-bye. I feel robbed by that. So please give your family the chance to say their good-bye's they will be grateful that they were able to. I know it must hurt and it will be painful for them, but I think it would be more painful if they knew that you knew and didn't say anything. My thoughts and prayer will be with you, and let your family know about this web site it has helped me and many others and it can help them through this also Derek

Thank you John, that does make me fell a little better, I feel so alone right now and knowing I am not the only one out there with these feelings ehlps not feel to alone. There is support group in my area called the WARM Place that works with families in our situation. The kids ae place in an age specific group as well as circumstances (Loss of parent, sibling, etc...) at the same time the parents meet in another group. They want you to wait at least 2 months after the loss before you start. I have an initial appointment next week on Thursday morning and then the group meets in the evenings. I am soooo ready to start an meet some people in my area going through this. Again, thanks for your replies, I look forward to hearing from you.

Hi Penny, Yes, I have thought about that but I find it hard to do because it seems like he spends the night at different places a lot in the last few weeks, and I feel he neeeds to be with me as much as possible. I don't want him to feel like I am not there for him. Today wasn't any better, the feelings I had last night carried over to today. I haven't eaten since yesterday at lunch time and even then I ate very little. I have to meet Carson and my sister-in-law at swim lessons in a little while and I really don't want to go. It is exactly 9 weeks today and it just seems like it isn't getting any easier. I feel completely out of control in my life right now, I don't know which way is up. All I want to do is sleep, but my obligations prevent me from doing that. Everything I do right now I have to force my self to do, I am tired of going through life this way. Thanks for your reply and suggestion, I like hearing from you.

Last night I got real depressed on the way home from work, I picked up Carson and he kept asking to go out to eat. I didn't want to do that because I wasn't hungery so I kept telling him that we are eating at home. I got him a TV Dinner and after that all I wanted to do was sleep on the couch, but he kept bugging me. I was losing my patientence real fast. I love Carson to death, but he keeps pushing my buttons, and when I am in the mood I was in last night I just can't deal with it. Before, if I was in a bad mood, Karen was always there to act as a buffer and to help with things and now she is not there. Last night I felt as though I was going nuts. It has drawn into today, I just have that feeling of I am tierd of moving forward, moving on with my life. Today I am doing the actions, but my mind and heart is not into it. All the way in to work, all I could do is think about Karen and how much I miss her, about all the things we did together and all the things we will no longer be able to do together. I want to hold her so much right now I ache inside. I would love to hear her voice even if it was to get onto me about something. It is hard to see a couple holding hands or giving each other a kiss, because I can no longer kiss or hold hands with Karen. I feel like there isn't anyone that I can talk to, I don't want to bother my friends with what is going on with me, for one thing they haven't gone through it, they don't understand. When will this get better? How do I have patintence with Carson? How do I go on?

I agree with Paul, My experience since I loss my wife is I stayed nauseated most of the time afterwards. My wife died 2 months ago. I am now eating at least one meal a day, sometimes 2. If I am nauseated, I can't eat, but that is my reaction to grief. I am sure that there are others out there that feel the same way as there are some that are out there that are reacting the same way as you, From all that I have read on this site, I would say it is normal.

Haley, I have not lost a parent yet, however I lost my wife on April 6th of this year. I am sure that the pain is very similar. There is a post that I just came from titled "I feel so lost and alone" in the group of Loss of Spouse/ siginifgant other, that hits the nail on the head as far as all of this is normal if there is a such thing anymore in out situations. What I do know is that there are a lot of people on this site that are here for you, they have helped me a lot since I joined a couple of weeks ago. What has helped me a lot and continues to help me is talk about your mom and her death to as many people that will listen, it will help with the reaility of the loss. It will take time for the greiving process to take place, unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight, I wish it did. I wish that I could fast forward time to a year or so from now, still have the memorys and expericences but just not have to go through them one hour at a time. I am still smack dab in the middle of the feelings of loss and hopelessness. I will pray that things will get better for you as time passes, I am sure it will. Derek

This is the topic I have been looking for, I lost my wife of 11 years to a heart attack 2 months ago yesterday. I too didn't get to ride on the ambulance, however when I did get to the hospital they were still working on her. I have a 7 year old son who without him I don't believe I could go on with life, I am forced to because of him. I still have the fortunate contact of her family and they are helping me with taking care of Carson while I am at work. One family that Karen was close to before we got married are still very much mine and Carson's friends and for that I am grateful. However, even with the support I have for mine and Karen's family I still feel alone. I can't see the future anymore, that disappeared when Karen died. I know that the future still exists for me, but until I can grieve and accept that Karen is not coming home I won't be able to make plans for that future. I am so glad to have found this topic, to know that the feelings and thoughts I have a not crazy thoughts and that others are going through or have been through what I am going through right now. God Bless you all Derek

I lost my wife 8 weeks ago, but I still think it applies. Like you, she was the love of my life, I put everything I had into making our lives together. Now that she is gone, I am faced with the question of "Who am I". I haven't found the answer yet, but I know it will come in time. You mentioned your faith in the bible. Continue to read the bible and pray, God has an answer for you just remember that His answer will come in His time, but it will be there and sometimes in places we weren't even looking. I am the same way, I try to find other things to work on so I don't have to look at me, but now I have to change that. If you like to read, there are a ton of books out there on grief check out "Confused" in the "Loss of a Spouse" forum Dusky replied to me with a list of 41 books that he has read that have helped him. Hope this is useful, I will keep you in my prayers. Derek

Great, I am glad I can be of some help. keep us posted on how things are going.

Thank you all of you for your replies. You all are right, nothing can make the pain go away. The comments you have made though, give me comfort with the realization that I am not alone in this even though sometimes I feel like I am. I know in my mind that it is ok for a man to cry it is just a matter of letting it go, when I start to cry, it is like a reflex that pushes it back in. Most of the time for me is when I have been talking to someone about Karen for awhile I will start to get emotional, but I feel like most of my friends and family have already heard it all and I don't want to sound like a broken record. Carson's attention span is short when it comes to talking about Mommy. There is a group here in town called the WARM Place that works with families like mine and they meet in the evenings, I can't wait to start but it won't be until after June 15th. Keep the replies coming. God bless Derek.

I would love to hear that song put to music, my wife died 2 months ago tomorrow. I haven't had the experiences you all have had, but I do know they exsist, a couple of family members had some the moment Karen died, they just couldn't explain them until they found out the news. That song sounds like the storey of my life except I have a son who will turn 7 tomorrow. Derek

After my wife died, I had a lot to do in order to get our finicial situation under control. Today I turned in the last on my paperwork to my Attorney in order to make it all happen so I can take care of me and Carson. Doing this has been a great relief to me and I don't have to devote all of my thinking to finances. For the last 8 weeks it took almost all of my thoughts. However, it scares the daylights out of me. I know I need to greive for Karen and I know it is a process, but I don't want to feel the feelings. I am so used to pushing everything in and not showing it, I have done that ever since my grandmother died 21 years ago. Now don't get me wrong, I have cried since then specially when Karen died I cried for 3 days after her death. I am afraid of going home and having a whole bunch of emotions come to surface, of finally realizing that she is gone and is not coming back. I know it in my mind, but my heart doesn't want to face it. Derek

I was closer to my grandmother (nickname Bah) than I was with my mom, because she lived with us when I was growing up. I was 16 when Bah died. I can remember all of the holidays and how hard they were for me without her there. I am now 37. Recently the loss of my wife have brought up those old memories and feelings, specially since I have a 6 year soon to be 7 on June 6th. So I know what you mean when you talk about her not seeing the events (In person) that go on in your life that you wish she could be there. I can say this about the loss of Bah, the feelings will always be there, specially around the holidays, but with each year the deep sadness and longing will get less intense. Now if I can only apply that in my life right now with the loss of Karen (My wife)I would be doing great. Right now it is painting on a face everywhere I go and pushing back the emotion. Derek

I am fresh into this grief thing also, but I have had a different sceniro, because of the loss of my wife's salary I had to file bankruptacy. Dealing with that has taken up so much of my time that I haven't truley had time to grieve. (Had the time chose to push it inside instead) Now I am faced with all up my paperwork organized and the forms filled out and I am thinking ok, now what. I am afraid of greiving, I loved Karen with all my heart and miss her more than anything, but I don't want to feel the emotions. Derek

Everything is going good, yesterday was the first Thursday I have had wwithout severe depression. I don't know if it is because I had a short week or what, but I am not knocking it. We are celebrating Carson'r birthday this Sunday, which will be 2 days early. He can't wait. Boss is away today so it will be an easy day, I am ready for the weekend. Hope everything goes good for you and keep up with the invesgator. You will be in my prayers. Derek

l2mchic, Even though you weren't married, and we were, there will still be a lot of similarities, specially in the way that you feel, and there is nothing wrong with that. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. Some people tell me to eat even if you aren't hungery, but nothing sounds good so I don't eat. I would talk to your doctor about it and see what they will say about it. I understand your feelings, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this at such an early age. In this forum there is a post by me titled "Confussed", one of the replys lists about 41 books that they read dealing with loss and greif. One that I found (I don't know if it is on the list) that has been real helpful is I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can by Linda Feinberg. It deals with young married people who have lost their spouse, however, I think you can apply it to your situation very easly. Everything I have read so far just connects. I help this will be helpful to you, keep in touch I have found that are a lot of people here that can help Derek

I know how you feel, I lost my wife of 11 years April 6th of this year to a heart attack with no warning. I have a 7 year old son. When I am stressed and depressed, I don't have an appitite either, so right now if I eat 1 meal a day I am lucky. I have lost 15 pounds since this has started and I was underwieght to begin with. I went to the doctor shortly after this happened because of depression and not being able to sleep and she prescribed antidepressants and Ambian. Both of which have helped ease the pain. I don't have a good answer as to when it will get better, because I don't know myself being only 8 weeks into this. But I know what you mean about making yourself busy until you drop. That is what I am doing right now, I get home from work get dinner and then start working on repairing the house. If it weren't for my son I would sleep all day on the weekends. I to can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and wonder will it ever end, but I do know that God has a plan for me I just don't know what it is at this point. Derek

Hi Penny, This weekend was a good weekend, I had 2 high school graduations to attend and my family came over on Monday for the holiday. We swam all afternoon and grilled hamburgers. It was a lot of fun even though I got sunburnt. In-betwwen all that I started painting the outside of my house. How did your meeting at RCMP go? Hope al is well Derek

Yeah, I am sitting on-line tonight playing some poker. I was up untill 1:00 in the morning this morning almost didn't make it to work on time. I recieved 2 of my books today, was very surprised as the web site said it would be Tuesday. I started reading them a little at work today because it was slow, I had them shipped to my work address. My work does keep me busy at times, but also there is a lot of room for distraction where i can pause and that will sometimes throw me for a loop because I start to think. How soon after your 1st husbands death did you meet your current husband and how did you know he was the right one?

Yes, I told him that one day we will return, I didn't know when but we would. My sister said her and her husband would come with us. In fact they had a trip planned for about 3 weeks after we had gone but instaed of going to Disney like they planned they went to see other areas instead.

Penny, I just realized today that you can set up a box to where you can be e-mailed. I just got the one you sent earlier. Let me know if the reply doesn't go through. This is the first time I have seen your picture associated with your messages, did you add that today? Is is a good picture, is that your husband? Thanks for your insights on love, right now I just can't imagine it. I know in time things can change. My son's name is Carson he will be 7 on June 6th. He never meets a stranger and will talk your head off, which he gets from me. He just finished 1st grade yesterday. I can't believe that this school year is over already. Right now he is stronger than I am, when we were on the plane to come back home and as we were pulling away from the gate, I started to cry because when you go somewhere with 3 you should come home with 3 and I was leaving the love of my life behind. Carson just as calmly as ever said "Just take deep breaths daddy and it will help calm you down" I was floored! He has helped me in so many ways and may never know how much that having him here in my life is keeping me alive. If this had happened and he wasn't here, I don't think I would be able to go on. The day all this happend Disney World said they could get me on an evening flight home that night, I decided to stay and leave in the morning so I could give him a little something of Disney to remember instaed of this is the place where Mommy died and then we left. Parental instinct and God took over and we kept our dinner reservations at a charcter meal and he was able to get an autograph book signed. We also got to ride in the drivers car of the monorail. To top it off Magic Kingdom let all 5 of us (We went with another couple and their 6 year old Daughter) into the park for free to see the fireworks. So he had a great time and Disney helped turn a bad situation into a positive experience. He knows I have a hard time with Thursdays and will sometimes will say things to comfort me 1 or 2 days before. He is a gift from God.

Thank you both for your replies, Dusky, thank you for that list, 2 of the books I ordered Wednesday came in today, Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I saw these somewhere else on this web site. I have always loved the Chicken Soup series so when I found out that this book existed, I jumped on it. I will continues to look back on this list and use it. Thanks again. Penny, I to went back to work the begining of the week following Karen's funeral, by Thursday I was going nuts and asked for Friday and Monday off which my work agreed to they have been real willing to help me in any way. I really couldn't take a bunch more time off though because I needed to save some time in case my son gets sick and I have a couple of vacations planned that I am keeping for my sanity. Since that time work has gotten easier as long as I am busy (except Thursdays)no matter what is going on I go nuts on that day. At home is when I have the problems, so I have been doing a lot of repairs lately to keep me busy. I fell the same way you do there is a part of me that is buried with Karen that will never be replaced. Some people keep saying you are young, you will find someone again. Right now, I just can't see that and it is too soon to even be thinking about that, I haven't even taken my wedding ring off yet and don't know when I will be ready to even go that far. My plot is the same as Karen's and one day someone asked me what happends if you get remarried what about the plot I told them that IF that happened that there are certain things that she would have to accept 1. is I can't give my full heart to someone again, partt of it will always be with Karen. 2. is that no matter what I will be burried with Karen no if's, and's or but's if they can't understand that then she isn't the person for me. I can't believe that some people want to bring that up when it is so soon. Well, now that I am off of that soap box, I was on-line when both of you posted last night, but the system didn't e-mail me that there was a response to this post like it usually does, or I would have responded last night. I was up until 1:00 on-line because I wasn't sleepy. Needless to say if it weren't for my Golden Retriever who sleeps with me waking me up this morning I would have been late for work. Anyway, good to hear from you and keep it up. Derek

Thank you for the insight Penny, I guess I needed to be a little more clear, when I said someone my age, I meant someone who has gone through this at a young age like myself. You definately fall into this catogory at 22 when you lost your loved one. I cherrish any response I can get at his point, young or old. I don't have a lot of contact with people that have gone through this. My father-in-law, Karen's dad lost his wife Karen's mom 8 years ago to cancer. It was a quick illness in that once diagnosied she lived for about 1 year afterwards. We knew the time was coming which gave us time to prepare. There was a night about 4 days before Laverne died that she had some clarity of mind and wanted to talk to all of us and say her goodby's, that was the last night that she was able to speak. Karen's dad is the type that is very talkative, but is not the type to share his feelings. Even with the loss of Karen, he hasn't shared a lot about how he feels. I am thankful in one way that Karen didn't have drawn out illness, but I also feel robbed, I didn't have the oppurtunity to say my goodby to Karen in person. We were hurried that day due to we were going to Disney World so we didn't have the time to really have a good hug or kiss that morning it was just a peck on the check. I miss her so much, I wish I could just hold her tight one more time and tell her how much I loved her. I know she knows, because I did make it a point to tell her every day how much I loved her, but that doesn't make it any easier. It still doesn't seam real sometimes. I look forward to continued conversation from you and others. Derek

Thank you for your reply Dusky, I do love to read and I have found some books listed by someone else on the forum. I would still like to see a list of books that you recommend. Right now I am going through a big amount of depression so I am looking for anything that will help me get through this, I am tired of feeling this way. I look forward to seeing the list. Derek

Thank you for your response, it is good to hear from someone that has gone through what I am going through right now. It gives me hope that there is an end to this tunnel that I am in, although I can't see the light at the end, it is there. Today is the 7th week since her death and that all to familiar knot is in my stomach again making it hard to concentrate at work and hard to eat. I sometimes wish I could hit the fast forward button to 1 year and still have to experiences in memory without have to go through each and every day. I am tired of hurting and felling this way. I go to bed earlier than I used to and it takes every ounce of me to get up in the morning. I used to be early to work everyday but now am barley making it on time. Thanks again for your reply and I look forward to hearing more from you all. Derek