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I myself have had very strange dreams, one of them is that I meet Willie Nelson and was bring Karen to meet him. I have had others that I can not remember now.

hopsing, I haven't experienced what you are going through, I am on this site because of the loss of my wife in April of this year. I will however pray for you, you will get through this difficult time.

Roxanne, Drug addiction is a desease, even tho you feel like you were being a bad daughter, you were in trapped by the lies that drugs tell you. I know from experience, how the drugs make you feel like you are on top of everything and are in complete control when you really aren't. You were doing the best you could at the time. Thank God, you realized that the drugs aren't the answer. You are right, you have been clean for 9 months which is a mircle in itself. Most do not make it this long, I haven't done drugs since October of 1990, so you can do it. Just keep going one day at a time. The time you remain clean is the best gift you can give to yourself and your parents, they would tell you how proud they are of you right now if they could, they are in heaven right now and they are proud of you. As far as your siblings, just pray for them, that is their loss that they do not have contact with you, that they are not getting to know you as a different perrson. Do not give them the space in your head. I once heard that if you are having a problem with someone just pray for them, you will be surprised with the answers that God will give you. I love you in Christ and keep doing it one day at a time, one minute at a time if it helps.

Shelly, I have lost several pets over the years, and it is never easy. I don't have all the answers, but I know this. Chelsea knows you love her, pets have an uncanny way of knowing things that we think is inpossible. You have not let her down, if because of circumsatnces you had to let her live with your brother, you were doing the best thing for her to give her a better life. Anytime you can do that, you are not letting them down. The let down would have been if you kept her and weren't able to give her attention, or she would have only seen you for 1 hour a day and so on. I am sure that your brother took very good care of her and is meeting her needs otherwise you wouldn't have entrusted him with her. She knows that you love her and would be with her if you could. If it helps, just pray that she knows that and God will take care of it. I will pray for you during this diffucult time, I feel that prayer does wonders. Visit the loss of pet forum often, you will find a lot of the answers you are looking for and it will help. God bless you and keep you.

Lorikelly, I am so sorry that you have to go through this without the help of your siblings, things go so much easier when you have to whole famil;y to support each other through terrible times. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and children. Your husband is right this site will help you to see that you are not alone, other poeple have gone throgh what you are going through and come out of it with flying colors. While I cannot give you a time line as to when the pain will ease, because each person is different in how they handle grief, I can tell you it will get better. After I lost my wife in April of this year, I though that it could never get better, but now I see life in a whole different light. Carson my 7 year old son is now constantly telling me he loves me and asking me if things are ok, they have such an innocense and understanding that it surprises me. I will keep praying for you for as long as you need, you can email me anytime if you want. God will give you the peace you need, just turn it all over to Him, it took me a long time to realize that. He can handle so much more than I can alone. I will pray that God will give you the peace and that you will be able to sense that He is carrying you right now and will continue to do so for as long as you need. Please contact me if you need prayer in any other areas I will be glad to do so. This is not a hopeless situation even though it may seem so, you will come through this with the help of your husband and children, and you will be a stronger person and have a deeper contact with God in the end. God bless you and give you peace.

Carter's mommy, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, there are a lot of good people here who will help you through this. Fortunately, I haven't experienced the pain of losing a child, although I have experienced a couple of miscarrages and the loss of my wife on April 6, 2006. While a miscarrage is nothing like having a child with you for 14 months and watching him grow, I feel some of your pain. When I lost Karen it also seemed that my world stopped while the rest of it went on. My life came to an end, but I had to keep going for the sake of my 7 year old son. I wish you didn't have to go through this divorce during this time of severe grief, but with God's help you will do it. I have a continuos prayer list going and I will add you to it and will keep praying for you until the baby is born and beyond. Seek God's will and you will find the answer for the baby that is growing inside of you. You will be fine, and it will get better as time goes on. It might not seem that way right now, in fact it probably seems like a black cloud around you at all times. That cloud is only temporary and will disapate. I will give you this prayer for you now: God, hold Carter's Mommy in your loving arms and give her the peace that only you can give. Be with her during her pregancy and help her to make the right decisions. Carry her through the rough times ahead and help her through the grieving times ahead. I know that the pain will not be totally gone, but help her to ease that pain and to take care of her children. Help her through this divorce and bring people into her life that can help her and guide her. It is through Jesus that I ask this now...Amen. Hope this will help you and keep coming back to this site to fill us in.

Beautiful picture Kellymarie, I know what you mean about your heart, it felt like for awhile that someone just ripped it out of my chest. It now feels better, but still has the holes in it. I used to end my letters to grandma with xoxoxo's, it has been a long time since I have seen that. XOXOXO

Chrissy, So glad to hear you are having a great day!! There will be more of those to come. You are doing great, you will have to keep us informed on your pregnancy, I will be praying for you and your baby's health.

How very true. I haven't heard that song yet.

John, So good to hear from you. You tribute was wonderful, and will always be here on this website for all to see, he will not be forgotten. I have envy for the way you have with words, the way you describe Jack makes me feel like I knew him. Sorry that you had to go through another loss, you are loved by so many here and everyone on this site is like family. I will say a prayer for you on Monday as you remember the loss of your loved one 1 year ago. Peace be with you.

Chrissy, Don't beat yourself up about not being there, and being out shopping. There is no way you could have know that something was going to happen while you were out. I was there while they were working on Karen. I used to work on an ambulance so I know what they were doing and even while they were trying to explain to me in laymens terms what was going on I was like just tell me what is going on I used to ride an ambulance so I know what the terms mean, I just want to know if she will be allright. Now, looking at it, yeah I knew what they were doing and all, but it is very hard when it is someone you love, to see them being worked on and such. Believe me from what you have said, Jason would not have wanted you to see him like that. Just like when Carson wanted to see Mommy, we had to wait so they could clean her up. You will be fine, there isn't anything you need to feel guilty about. As far as not liking Philly, I can't help you there. Hang in there.

KayC, Let us know as soon as you get back how the interview went, hope you have a safe trip and I look forward to hearing how things went.

Lorikelly, I have also lost quite a bit of weight that I didn't need to lose, the antidepresants did not help that aspect. When I am down I don't eat. The grieving process is short for some and log for others, but you can make it. Try not to look at the whole picture just look at today. Today is the only thing yu can do anything about. You can't do anything about yesterday, it is done, and tomorrow isn't here yet. That is the hardest thing I had to get through my thick head. When I stopped looking forward into the future and being alone and what I am going to do once Carson is in college and I am here by myself...etc, etc....I started to feel better and not like I was heading for a wall at 100 mph. Just for today, say to yourself I can do it just for today. When tomorrow gets here in the morning say, I can do it just for today. Keep saying that everyday and finally one day you will wake up and you will think to yourself, hey I haven't felt bad for a couple of weeks now. That's not to say you won't have another bad day or couple of days, but it will help alot. You can do this and you can go on, it will get better I promise. I will keep you in my prayers.

Kellymarie, Paul hit the nail on the head when he said you stop and smell the roses. I have become aware of that myself. I look at life through a different pair of glasses. I realize now that we aren't guarunteed tomorrow. Things I took for granted I no longer take for granted. I am trying to live life to the fullest now. I think sleeping is a patteren that will come and go through the first year just like eating is for me. When I am feeling good about myself, I eat regular meals, when I am depressed, I go back to not eating like when Karen died. Sleep will sometimes run the same. My problem is it is hard to get to sleep but once I am asleep it is very hard for me to get up. Everything will work out.

Donald, right now you are probably still in shock. I know for myself after my wife died that it took awhile for me to start feeling again. I was just going through the motions of life. We each deal with grief differently. If after a couple of months you still feel like you are hiding your feelings from yourself it is then that I might look in to seeing a grief counsler. I waited 2 months beffore I got into a group, that was one of their requirements, however, I can now see why. It takes time for the shock to wear off and to truly accept that our loved one is no longer here. Keep coming back to this site read the posts and I encourge you to look at some of the other forums, even though the person someone has lost might be different than yours, there are a lot of similarities in the grief process.

It has been my experience with the antidepressants, that do help, as far as becoming addicted to them I wouldn't worry about it too much. The doctors who prescribe these will also give you a plan for getting off of them. You cannot just stop taking them, they can mess you up if you do. When ready to stop taking them the doctor will gradualy have you start taking less and less, this is about a 3 week process. The other thing to consider is that herbal drugs are good, but consult someone who knows a lot about them. My step mother was looking into some and found out that some of them could have severe reactions to some of the other medications she was using. My experiece is that the antidepresants don't help me to grieve, I don't need help with that, but I do need help with being able to function in a day to day capacity. I still have the lows, but they help to make the lows not so low and allow me to work at the same time allow me to feel my feeling and to grieve.

I haven't lost a brother or sister, but i lost my wife. I feel the same way as far as the feeling guilty for having a good time. I know in my heart that Karen wants me to be happy and to enjoy life. It is hard to shut off those feelings but it will come with time. As it gets closer to 4 months for me it is becoming a litle easier to have a good time without feeling guilty, but at the same time I do remember her and what she would be doing in the same situation. God will get us through this.

Cain, thatis a testomy to your family, that they could stay together even when facing the death of a son. That had to be very hard for them. In a world today that advocates divorce like buying candy in a store for your parents to stay togthher is awesome. I hope to be like your dad for my son to be able to be there even though I would rather be with my wife in heaven. I know it can be done with God's help. Thanks again

KayC, What time is your interview and what time zone are you in? I would like to say a prayer for you right before your interview.

Mattsmom, I is normal when you have a loss like this to want God to take you so you can be with the one you lost. You said that you don't know which child needs you most, I can say that your daughter is the one that needs you right now. Matt is in heaven with God and He is taking care of him. Can you imange what your daughter would go through losing you also. I have to think about that myself alot. I lost my wife on April 6th of this year and have a 7 year old son. He is what is keeping me here, I can't imange what he would go through if he were to lose me also. Praying to God has nothing to do with religion, it is an open conversation with God. God has a reason as to why Matt took his life and succeded. If it wasn't Matt's time then he would still be alive no matter what you did. Everyone has a time as to when they are going to die and only God knows when that time is, and there is nothing we can do to change that time. I played the what if game a lot after Karen died and I finally had to come to relize there was nothing I could have done to stop her from dying. You are doing the right thing coming here and being completely open, I have found that you can post any thing here without having someone put you down for it. You are in the right place and doing the right things. You are interested in recovery or you wouldn't have posted here. I can't pretend to know exactly what you are going through right now because my son is still living, and I don't know how I would feel if he were to die, he is my whole world right now. But I do know there are people here that will help you travel this road of grief that have been in your situation. Keep praying to God, He will give you the strength to keep living and growing. I will keep you in my prayers as well. God is carrying you through this. Keep coming back to this site. Ps. don't worry about the length of your posts do what you need to do to grieve.

lorikelly, you are going through the normal stages of the grief process, I lost my wife on April 6th of this year and went through the same things you are going through. For awhile if I ate 1 meal during the day I was doing good, I was late to work alot because I just couldn't get myself up in the mornings. My work suffered because even tho I was there physically, I wasn't there mentally. The doctor put me on Efflexor which is a antidepressant, like you said it is a magic pill to make you feel better, it just evens you out so your lows aren't so low. Over all I lost 20 pounds and I was pretty skinny to start with. After the first month things start to get a little better and around three months I was eating 3 meals a day and getting up early. I won't sugar coat everything, you will still hit some lows, I had that happen this past week, and I felt I was back in the first month, but it will get better. Keep coming to this site there are plenty of people here that will help you. Keep praying, God is there with you carrying you through this rough time.

Patti, Children have such a way of saying things that make us look at ourselves. I am the same way, I have very little patience when it comes to Carson some times, and I get wrapped up in the repair work that needs to be done on the house. Every so often he will say 'You don't play with me anymore', talk about taking you down a notch. It is so hard to keep moving on when you don't have the other person there to help you. I to miss Karen and wish I could just feel her arms around me. Just keep coming here. Hugs to you.

KayC, I know what you are talking about, it is a little different for me, I am that way with my 7 year old. Karen was the one I would consult when it came to making descisions about Carson, and now I am alone and have to try and determine what is best. It is a hard thing to get used to when you have had someone else around to use as a sounding board. The same thing applies to my finicial situation, I now have to determine the best course of action in order to plan for mine and Carson's futures. Kay, you have a lot to offer a company and you will do fine. God will put you in a company where you belong. Just go in knowing that God and George both will be watching over you. Pray before you go in and just ask God to be in the interview and allow you to relax, if it is God's will for you to be there everything will fall into place. Good luck and let us know how the interview goes. You can do it.

Shell, I agree with what everyone else has said about the mask. Work is definately a place you want to have it on. It has been my experience however to start to use that mask with the people that truly do care and want to help you. Shortly after Karen died, after the initial shock of it all and things had settled down a bit my sister would ask how I was doing and I would usually say ok even tho I was dying inside. I put that mask on to be strong, I am not supposed to show feelings...so on and so forth. I know today she truly wanted to help and was there to listen to me and to try and help. I called her the other night when I was totaly going nuts and she basically said I am surprized I had gone this long. She knew I was going through rough times, and I spent a lot of time and energy hideing, when help was right there. All in all, just know who the ones are that truly want to be there for you, and don't use the mask as an excuse to hide like I have done before because I didn't want to face my feelings. I was afraid of hurting, but now I relize I have to hurt some in order to get better.

Marty, oh believe me I will continue to come to this site, over the last few months you all have become like family to me. I look forward to the e-mail that tells me that someone has replied or has posted something new. Thank you for the additional resource Marty.