dpodesta

Melissa, Sorry to hear that the Ambien didn't work for you, I had the same experience a couple of times. I found that it is usually due to the fact that I was worrying about something. A couple of things that have helped me. Find some books to read, look up grief on Amazon.com they have a vast listing that I think you will find useful. I don't know your age and I normally don't promote drinking, however, I heard on the news the other night that a glass of red wine naturally has serotine in it which helps you sleep. I have tried it on a couple occasions when I could't sleep and it worked well, Just don't take it with the Ambien!! the other thing which I guess should've been at the first of my list, is see your doctor and tell them your experience, there are a lot of other sleep medications out there. What the doctor has done for me is increased my Trazodone at night whic is a mild antidepressant that helps you sleep. Basically it calms down your mind enough so you can fall asleep, it doesn't have any of the side affects that Ambien does, and I have had very good luck with it. Hope you sleep well tonight.

I was thinking the other night as I was going nuts. Is there a possibility of haveing a live chat room of some sort. I love this site and all of the input that I have recieved, but sometimes you just need to get an instant response when you are going through a rough time. Sometime you just need some conversation directly rather than waiting for someone to respond to your post. Just a thought keep up the good work with this site it has been a God send to me.

Oh Marty, Thank you so much for the link. I haven't seen the poem for a very long time and have missed it especially since Karen has passed away. You have made my night a lot more bearable.

Personally I think that just being there for them is plenty. I have joined a support group in my area called the WARM Place, they help children who have lost a parent and put them in age approiate groups. While they are in group, the parents meet and talk through issues. It is hard to think at first that you will be sharing with a bunch of strangers, but after going a few times you start to learn the people around you and you start to develop relationships like family. You go to these meetings and you find out that you are not alone, there are others there that are going through the same things you are. The group has been a big help to me, I think it would to you also. I was the one that had a problem with Ambien. I took it 2 years ago and it worked great for me, just make sure when you take it you are climbing into bed at the same time, because it works fast and you can do things that you won't remember. However when I took it after Karen died, I had problems with it, I was very tired in the mornings, to the point where it was very hard to function at work, I even don't remember driving to work one day until I bumped a car in front of me at a stop sign. I was take antidepressants at the time in combination with the Ambien which I wasn't taking 2 years ago, so I think that was the problem, however I just don't trust the medication. That is the experience I had with it. I am sure there are a lot others that have had good experiences with it. All I can say is be careful it can help, but be careful. I hope things will get better for your grandfather, but I have heard a lot of stories where this happens and the grief is too strong for the spouse to continue and they pass away soon after. I hope and pray that this doesn't happen to your grandfather. Jusat be there for him and your parents and God will guide you through this.

Chrissy, First of all I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am glad that you found this site. My wife died 3 1/2 months ago from a heart attack while we were on vacation in Florida with our 7 year old and another family that we are close to. Being that it has only been 2 weeks, it will seem like an enterity, it will get easier. The first 3 months were a living He--! But looking back I could see my progress. Just take things one day at a time and pray, God will give you the strength to get through this. I know it will be hard especially when the baby is born because you will wish he was there in person. He will be there in spirit, he will know what the baby looks like and all. Karen and I had our 11th anniversary about a couple of weeks before she died, however we were waiting until we got back from Disney world before we celebrated it, we never got the chance, so I haven't gotten to the anneversary part yet. Just know there are a lot of people that will be here for you, you will feel alone even though you have family near, God knows I do. But it will get better.

My son seems to have gotten over this a lot easier than I have. He is only 7, he talks about missing her from time to time but that is about it. He has shown a lot more affection towards me than he used to, but that goes with the terriority of being a mom and a dad rolled up in one. I to feel guilty when I am feeling good or doing something that I like to do, I know Karen would not have it any other way, she would want me to go on with my life and to be happy but it is hard because the times I was truly happy was when she was right beside me. I knew that nothing could happen that we as a team ccould not get through. Now that I am only one, sometimes I am not so sure. But I know with God's help, any thing is possible.

Andrea, Yes I have. Being at 3 1/2 months it has hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I am at the 3 week mark instead of 3 months. I started eating 3 meals a day, started feeling good for a change, getting up early and making it to work on time. Then all of a sudden the last few days I have gone back into depression, not eating, wanting to sleep all the time. I am in the middle of it right now, so I can't tell you how I am going to get out of it. But I know what you mean, there is only so much you can take, and I to am at the how much more can I deal with, I am tired of feeling this way stage.

ustwo, I know what you mean. there are times that I feel God around me and then others where I feel completely alone with out any hope. God will answer in his time and in his way.

Ann, There is a poem out there that is one of my favorites, it is called "Footprints", it talks about this man walking with God on a beach as sceens of his life passed before them. As they walked he noticed that during the rough and trying times of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked God about this and why during the rough times of his life did God leave him. the Lord said "My precious child, I would never leave you alone. The times in your life that you saw one only set of footprints were the times that I was carrying you." God is carrying you, me and a lot of others right now. Feel his peace around you he is there. Also remember that a lot of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. What seems like he doesn't answer in reality is it isn't the answer we are looking for. He is giving you the strength, the strength to come to this web site and post your thoughts and feelings, the strength to get up each day, (No matter how late it is). God is here with us guiding us through this life. May each of us here know that God's arms are around us and feel His peace, only a peace that He can give.

I made it through three and a half months, then somethings have come up with Carson and it has thrown me back to where I was during the first month. It is enough to drive you crazy.

If you can call cleaning house fun and exciting, that is what I am doing.

Melissa, I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your grandmother. I lost my grandmother when I was 16. She lived with us for all of my life, so we were very close. Shortly before during the same year my parents got divorced, and I didn't have this site to come to. What Shell and Lori said is great advice. I didn't have any of the advice or know anything about grief and what it really meant. I shoved everything inside myself and went on with life. Because of this I developed bad habits of shoving in feelings it wasn't until my Mother-in-Law died 8 years ago and now with the loss of my wife that I have been able to release those feelings instead of shoving them in. I understand the part about not being able to concentrate at work that still happens to me. I took Ambien to help me sleep but the side affects were terriable. I heard recently during a group meeting that if you get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep at night after a loss, consider yourself lucky. Just keep coming back here to post when something is going on, or you just want to vent there are a lot of people here that will be here for you.

Haley, you are doing the right thing by coming here and talking to us. I too remember in vivid detail the day that Karen died. I don't know if I will ever forget that. I will tell you this, I know where you are coming from when you say right now you are learning how to go nuts. I had one of those times last night, it is normal, however, the times that you go nuts will start to get fewer and the time inbetween will start to get longer. It has only been a little over 3 months for me, but I am already seeing an improvment. I can remember people telling me here that it will get better, but at the time I just couldn't see it. Now I can, just keep coming back. Derek

Haley, Unfortunately, in my beliefs, there is only one person that can answer all of those questions, and that is God. I know in my heart that God has the whole big picture, there isn't anything going on that He doesn't know aboutt or has planned. I still ask those questions from time to time myself, but I know that it has happened this way for a reason. At first after my wife died I ask those questions, Why me, why would he leave a 7 year old without his mother and so on. I know today though he has a plan for me, I had to experience this for a reason. I don't know what the reason is yet, and I never know until I get to Heaven. A lot of people ask how a loving God could allow something like tthis to happen, but I look at it this way, if she hadn't of died when she did and howe she did, what could of happened next, there is the possibility that something far worse that could of taken place had she lived longer. I know some of this may be difficult to digest, but it is what helps me through it all. Knowing that God is watching over me and Carson and is carrying us through this to make us stronger and to live throgh this to possibly help someone else along the way. God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers Derek

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Patti, that was a good suggestion, however his primary doctor is with Cook's childrens and the other doctors involved are also with Cook's, so when it comes to records transfer it will make things go smoother. Cook's is in Texas and unfortuneatly I don't think they are in South Carolina. His first appointment with his primary care doctor is while they are here in town for a family reunion so I already have that time off. It is the other doctors that will take time out. The biggest problem for me is the not knowing, I like to know what is going to happen so that I can arrange things around it. Right now I don't know if he will have surgery or not or what other tests he will have and visa versa. All of these doctor appointments may require descisions so I can't have someone else take him like I could if he had just a plain cold. I woke up this morning feeling better, not so out of my mind like I was lastt night. I still have anxiety but it isn't as bad. It was one of those I let it all build up until I exploded. Continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers while I go through this and thanks again for the suggestions. God Bless Derek

Okay, it has been one of those days. First a little background... About 4 years ago when Carson was 3 he was diagonised with a teathered cord. This is where the spinal cord attaches to low to the vertabrae in the back and then stretches as a result of growth, as a result he didn't know when the feeling was there to use the bathroom. Well in the last couple of weeks this has started happing again but is coming on fast. There are about 3 doctors that have to be involved in this process and trying to coordinate it all and try to work around some of my work schedule is driving me completely nuts. If Karen were here it wouldn't be much of a problem sharing the time off from work, but being just myself I don't knowe where to turn.I have family here, but there are some things you just have to be there for yourself. He is in South Carolina right now with my dad and step-mom. The house is very lonely. I feel so overwhelmed right now that I feel like jumping out of my skin. I am fighting depression hand, tooth and nail and this just seems to throw me backwards. I want out of this roller coaster. Please help. Derek

Lisa, First of all I am sorry to hear of your loss, but I welcome you here to this site. I lost my wife a little over 3 months ago and I completely understand what you mean about being lonely. Even with a room full of people I still feel lonely. Coming here you will find people that have gone through what you have gone through. Here you will find that you are not alone after all. I myself am having a bad day and coming here and reading and posting have given me some peace. Please keep coming back and I hope your days will get better. God Bless Derek

John, I too am saddened by your news, you were one of the first ones to respond to my post. I have missed your wisdom that you have shared and look forward to when you can return. You are in my prayers God Bless Derek

There is another song I think it is called "I Believe" I don't know who sings it. however it talkes about a boy who befriends an old man and he askes him how do you keep from going crazy? The old man tells him that he will see them soon, and talks about praying and the bible. I loved the song before Karen passed away, but a week after she passed and I was having a bad day I heard this song and was comfoted remembering that one day I will get to see her again. Until then I will live life to the fullest until I can see her again and hug her and hold her. God Bless Derek

Hi to all, I read this earlier today, and really couldn't think of anything to write. My son is at his Grandpa's in South Carolina for the next week and a half so as I was sitting in my living room all alone (Ironic)it all made since. I have a lot of contact with friends and family, they have really come together to help me take care of Carson and to help me in any way. Phiscally I am not alone. Mentally, I am all alone. I can be in a room full of people and I am still alone. Some of my friends and family don't mind if I talk about Karen, I have a safe place where I can grieve and feel my emotions with them. However they will never understand what it is like to lose a spouse. Even though they are there I am still alone. It is so hard to find someone that has been through this at my age. The hardest part of all is the ones that have had a loss through some other means other than death try to relate the grief process thay went through, how ever there is NO comparison. I am still a very outgoing person, however I am very reserved compared to the way I used to be. It is nice when you can find someone to talk to one on one instead of by the forum where you have to wait for a reply. The forum is a very good resource to vent and to read what others are going through and knowing that there are others going through the same problems you are which means even though we may be separated by distance, we are not alone, we have each other. I wish I could reach through this computer monitor and hug each one of you. One day somewhere down the line who knows our paths may cross anytime. God bless Derek

Walt's Son, I am new here, but have seen and read so much from Walt. He means a lot to me also, I will be in continus prayer for his speedy recovery. Please keep us posted

Ann, First of all I am so sorry to hear of your loss, even if it was a long time ago. My wife had 2 miscarrages before our son who is 7 now. I remember the feeling all so well. When Karen died 3 1/2 months ago it brought all of that back. I am not in your situation as I do have Carson to remember her by, but it does not make it any easier. I will tell you what someone told me after this had happened. I was told that even though they weren't born, they still went to heaven. God had a special purpose for them. Now at first, that sounds like someone that doesn't have any sense saying that to a couple that have gone through a miscarrage. However it gave us peace because they also said thaat one day when we get to heaven, we will know them and they will know us. I take comfort knowing that Karen is up there right now with our kids. She finally got to meet them. As I type this I tear up this is the first time I have said anything about it to anyone since Karen died. I also want to say thank you for the title, I never thought of looking in this section because I too didn't think about the misscarrage. I hope this helps you as it did me at the time and also now. Being that they were only 12 weeks there wasn't anything to bury, no real closure. Now that Karen is dead, there is some closure in that I can go to her grave side and visit all three of them at once. I just realized this as I was typing my reply. God bless Derek

Can't tell, Glad to here from you again. I wish there was something I could do for you what with the layoff and no insurance it seems that the world will always kick us when we are down. God will take care of you and your family. I am glad that you are going to let your family know about this site, it will help them as it has helped me this last 3 months. Hope to here from you again and you will be in my prayers. God Bless Derek

Ann, I lost my wife a little over 3 months ago to a heart attack. Like some of the posts in this topic, I can't imange life getting better with Karen gone. In reading a lot of othe rtopics on this site I have read that each person has their own time for grief. Some it might be a year or so, others might take 2 or 3 years and so on. No one that hasn't or even has been through this can not say how long the greiving process will take. I am glad that you have found this site it has helped me a lot since I found it. I haven't seen anyone yet to say, "You shouldn't be feeling this way" or "You should be over it" Everyone here is understanding and have been there. Keep coming back to this site, you can use it to vent and ask questions. Hope to see you around. God Bless Derek

I love what you wrote and it is so true. I love working on the house and fixing things up. I can remember when Karen would complement me on the project when it was complete. As I am fixing up the outside of the house, I stand back and look and think "I wish Karen were here to see it" I know now that she does see it. I once heard a preacher say that our loved ones in Heaven can look down and see our happy times they don't see the bad times only the good. So I know when I am happy working on the house and continuing on with my life that Karen is watching me and smiling. God Bless Derek