ksbeachbum

I too am feeling blue and down after thinking I had got through Christmas OK. The reflection back on this year with our battle with his cancer, the sickness he endured, his death and my life without my spouse is not something I relish but I have done today. It has been a sad and tearful day... and Mary I think you are exactly right. I don't want to forget but yet I can't seem to propel forward, just stuck here feeling blue and so wishing I had my Randy back. I loved my old life and I am growing tired of trying to go forward only to remember the past that I still long for. I feel like I am stuck in the twilight zone. So hoping that 2012 brings a new outlook. Becky

Yes, made it through the day. So glad it is over and although it was a comforting gentle low keyed day for me I am now taking Christmas decorations down and that is as painful as putting them up. Over with the anxiety of it all... now just sadness with putting each of those ornaments away for another Christmas without him. Dave: My sister in law gave me a great Christmas gift. A reading with a medium that is a friend of her son's. I have to make arrangements for it and she has been to "our house" here in Florida when she came to visit a couple of months ago. I am excited and scared about this all at the same time. Stay tuned for more. Blessings Becky

Dave: I smile reading about your kid like qualities. I can see you right in the middle of the kiddos. I love that and my husband was the same way with all his energy and they all loved their uncle Randy. I so miss that so I enjoy reading about yours. Also.... i am curious as to grma's reaction to the curio cabinet???? I bet she loved it. Thanks for the smiles. Becky

Wishing for all of you that the day passes gently and that it will leave you with many smiling memories of Christmases past with your loved one. We deserve that!! Blessings and Merry Christmas to all.... Becky

Leann: I am so sorry for your loss. A daughter's loss of her mother is so hard. I lost my mother many years ago,in 1992; my father 2 years ago and my brother 4 years ago. I lost my spouse 8 months ago after 18 months of cancer and his last days in hospice care. I describe it as feeling like I am an orphan. I have one estranged sister and one son, and that is my family. I finally feel like living again but the lonliness and despair has been huge for me. Please know that I am glad you have returned here and this site has been so much help for me. I really could not have gotten through this without the support of all of the great individuals here going through the same. Merry Christmas to you and your family Leann. Blessings Becky

Dave: Good for you. Kids really are a gift from heaven. Enjoy them! Becky

My mother in law sent this to me saying it was my Christmas message from my spouse.... More comforting words from the other side!! I am blessed. To Those I Love If I should ever leave you whom I love To go along the Silent Way, grieve not, Nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk Of me as if I were beside you there. (I’d come– I’d come, could I but find a way! But would not tears and grief be barriers?) And when you hear a song or see a bird I loved, please do not let the thought of me Be sad… for I am loving you just as I always have… You were so good to me! There are so many things I wanted still To do– so many things to say to you… Remember that I did not fear… It was Just leaving you that was so hard to face… We cannot see beyond… But this I know: I loved you so– ’twas heaven here with you! ~ Isla Paschal Richardson Becky

I received this yesterday and it brought me much comfort so I will share it and hope some of you feel the same. This is from my nephew who received it from a friend of his that is a medium.... The top 10 things dead people want to tell living people are: 1. They're not dead. 2. They're sorry for any pain they caused. 3. There's no such thing as a devil or hell. 4. They were ready to go when they went. 5. You're not ready. 6. They finally understand what they were missing. 7. Nothing can prepare you for the beauty of the moment you arrive. 8. Don't try to understand this now, but life is exceedingly fair. 9. Your pets are as crazy, brilliant and loving, here, as they were there. 10. Life really is all about love, but not just loving those who love you... In their own words, The Universe Becky

Anne: Good for you I like your attitude. If it feels right do it if not leave it. Christmas cards.... I refused to do them this year as it was a lousy year and I have nothing good to report to people. Maybe next year and I don't feel guilty about it. Christmas tree... we (I mean I, can't get used to that I stuff) put it up but did not want too. I am so glad I did... I also have some of our favorite ornaments on it and I do smile when I sit here and look at it. We traveled a lot and we always picked up a Christmas ornament from everywhere we went. So... I look at the tree and I have all kinds of memories with him with each and every ornament. Christmas was always my husband's holiday. He was a kid at heart and he always picked out gifts for all the little nieces and nephews. He took special interest in getting something special to match each ones personality. He had a gift for that and they loved his gifts. The joke was I was always the grinch or scrooge. Last Christmas he got me a grinch shirt and he was so sick at Christmas that he did not give it to me. Last month as I was going through his drawers and cleaning out stuff, I found that grinch shirt with all the tags still on it. I will take special pride in that shirt and will be wearing it on Christmas Day. That is my Christmas gift! Blessings Becky

Kay: What a wonderful story and memory. Thank you for that. I am trying to remember the good ones but all of cancer treatment was done while we were here so there is lots of memories when he wasn't well..but also scattered with some good stories. He wanted to take a helicopter ride over Disney that week before he passed and I told him if he had a good day we would do it. We never got it done. I will be taking that helicopter ride for him on Christmas Day. Merry Christmas my love. Becky

Marty What a wonderful article. I needed this.Thank you for posting this. Lance I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the pain go away but I can't. It has been eight months yesterday that my spouse has been gone. I still feel the pain and the loss. The loneliness is huge regardless if people are around me or not. This site has provided me much comfort over the past months with hurting individuals that are going through the same thing. Please feel free to let your feelings out here. Be patient with yourself and remember you have to give yourself permission to grieve in your own way. Blessings Becky

Saturday I returned to our Florida home. I have not been here since my spouse passed away here in April. I was very nervous about this return to our winter home. It was a home we had bought looking forward to our retirement years that never happened. He was diagnosed with cancer ten days after I retired. We chose to do treatment in Florida,access to more sunshine better weather in the winter equals better mental health right? We spent two winters and two Christmases here. As I entered the house Saturday for the first time since April I felt good sensing his strong presence here. Comforting. Yet today with putting the Christmas tree up feeling very alone and sad. He had a very rough Christmas last year and that memory of him so sick while looking at this nine foot tree that he so loved is very hard. Maybe it is something that I needed to do but sure not getting any joy out of it today. Becky

Happy Birthday Pauline. You have an angel on earth carrying your spirit and he is letting all of us know what a special person you were and sharing your love story. What an inspiration and it fills me with hope and faith. Pauline I know you are looking down smiling at your Dwayne knowing what a special person he is and how he inspires the rest of us earthlings. God bless you and happy birthday Pauline.

Hi all.. This is now the torment that I live with the cynic in me. My spouse was also cancer free after his first radiation and chemo treatment only to find out two months later it is back.. another round of surgery radiation and chemo. Our bodies are not met to continue to pump poison to it and survive. So I struggle with what killed him...the cancer or the treatment? I am cynical about the medical profession and not getting straight forward answers. Are we being used as Guinea pigs to further their cause knowing the outcome isn't good with the treatment? I have so many questions about it all. God bless you Harry for supporting your cause and honoring Jane because I can't run fast enough away from it right now. Maybe that will change in time. But for now if it was me with the disease that I saw my husband go through I would opt out and live the reminder of life without the so called treatment that wasted him away to nothing. So many questions. I will try to find a more upbeat way to honor him. Blessings to all blizzarding in KS Becky

Mary Your post could have been writen by me. I too have guilt and regret about my husband's caregiver... which was me. My biggest fear in life was to be placed in a caregiver and nurse's role and that is exactly where I was. Not because I did not want to be...but because I knew that was not my strength and I would not excel at it. I spent many years working in a court system and I am more of a take respsonsibility and pull your boot straps up kind of person. Not that I don't have compassion but for over 30 years I have dealt with the other side of humanity. My husband knew that was my personality and DNA makeup and loved me as I was. But... I lacked patience and was irritable on many occassions for behavior that he had no control over. My behavior with him when he was ill was at times not what I would have liked it to be in hind site. I finally had to take a break for a week and I had his brother fly down and car for him for that week. Two weeks later he was gone. I feel like I let him down. He was a handful and at times he too would wander off and fall or get into the care and drive, which he had no business doing with the loss of his eye and the pain medication he was on. I would tell him to stay put only to find him gone. I used to describe him as way too energetic, he had a lot of "nervous engery" and it did not cease with his illness. I would be cleaning up something he did only to turn around to find four more things he was into. But that was Randy. More energy than three people had. If I could do it over again, I certainly would be more patient and understanding and would have spent more quality time with him and taking more care of his emotional needs instead of taking care of stuff. If only........................... Wishing all a happy and gentle holiday Becky

Dwayne: I am so happy for you!!! You are an inspiration and what a wonderful way to honor your beloved Pauline but to pursue the goals she wanted for you. You will make a great nurse! Make sure when you start school not to forget us here and check in and let us know how school is going for you. I am honored to call you my friend. Blessings Becky

I can so relate. This time of year always getting tax info..my legal name is different than the name I use..I have a hypenated name but don't use it..so the IRS for the past two years has to have me fill out more forms. Finally after spouses passing, (I had do file a probate because for 16 years we have been common law married ) I also got a court ordered name change to please the IRS. So now am waiting wondering what issues will come this year..and of course the forms have already started coming...and of course trying to contact them by phone or email will drive anybody into a crazy state. Just one of those days.

Mary: The room sounds wonderful and so peaceful. I wish I was there to enjoy it with you. May it be all you want it to be and more. I got through Randy's birthday on Sunday well. I kept busy. I went on a motorcycle run for Toys for Tots. 268 motorcycle riders buy toys for children and actually have a parade to get them all to one location for the holidays. The toys are brought to the location on the backs of the motorcycles. I went with a friend that lost his wife in July. We had a huge teddy bear on the back of the motorcycle. I felt like I was at least doing something good for Randy's birthday. I then came home and made his favorite carrot cake. His family is all spread out so we declared it "Carrot Cake Day" and we all made carrot cakes. I have distributed mine to all the neighborhood as I can't eat it all. Once again, it was delicious even if I am propping myself up. The day was good and the anticipation of it was much worst than the actual day. Hugs to you Becky

dear heatherwest: I wish I was there to give you a big hug.. please accept my cyper hug ((((( ))))). I am so sorry for your loss and that you are alone. This is a great place for support and to vent your feelings. I know about being alone. I lost my spouse 7 months ago at the age of 54. I have one son that is 4 hours away and is a teacher and coach, so he is very busy. As for your boyfriend, I am truly sorry that he is not there for you, BUT it is good that you found out now what kind of person he really is before you commit a lifetime to him. You desere better. It is tough not having your parents to lean on... I lost my mother many years ago and my dad 3 years ago. I feel like an orphan at times. Now losing my husband, who was my best friend has been even more of a blow. I welcome you and the people on this board have been true friends and I know you will also find this a healing place. Blessings to you Becky

Dwayne: Sending lots of thoughts and prayers to you this week. Hoping for you to get a postive word on your funding so you are begin the new chapter in your life of school and goal of being a nurse. You deserve it and your patience and perseverance is something we can all model and strive to achieve. Best of luck my friend and I love the photo of your little dog Sugar . Blessing Becky

Today it has been seven months that my spouse has been gone from this earth. Tomorrow would be his 55 birthday! I am still here without him. Sometimes I feel like I am a robot going through the motions day in day out. Other days I feel like I have some life beyond this nightmare. I feel like the fog is finally lifting and I can think clearly at times. I am alone and that is the worst. The lonliness lives on when the two of us were inseparable and best friends. I so miss his company and companionship. I have been blessed to have some great friends and have done some traveling with them that has been very therapuetic for me. They are the best. I have had to change up my routine. The daily things that we did together, like the morning coffee, reading the paper together and hashing over the world politics of the day with him in the morning is no longer. I can not even read the paper in the morning as it just doesn't feel right. The walks in the park with the dog also had to stop... not the same without him. I have a plaque that I received from a friend that I placed on my bathroom mirror so I can see it daily and reflect on it. It says, "'With every ending comes a new beginning." I really hated that plaque at the beginning of this journey... as I did not want a new beginning I wanted my old life back. I realize that will never happen and I have to move forward. That sign is helping me accept that and hopefully I will come to embrace that. But now, some days I do, other days not so much. Next month I will go to our Florida home for the winter. I am very anxious about that... as that is where he took his last breath and died in our home. I don't know what I will feel when I enter the home. I am greatful that I have family four doors down and they will be there for me. Holidays are on the horizon and another first that I am not looking forward too but they will come and they will go and I will still be here. How I choose to go through them will be the question and ultimately the answer. I hope it will be a reflection of all wonderful holidays that we had together. At the end of each day, I am sad that he is no longer here with me but so greatful that I had 16 wonderful years with him. Some people never get to experience the type of relationship we had. I have been blessed to have him in my life and I will survive this until we meet again. With every ending comes a new beginning.... Blessings Becky

Novi: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Numb is normal for awhile... I thought I would feel relief when my spouse passed after 18months of cancer, but there was no word to explain the pain that began to emerge after the numbness had gone. Please know that you are in my prayers and that this is a wonderful place for support. I am alone and could not of got through the past 7 months without this site. Peace and Hugs Becky

Welcome Nobody's sweetie. Although I don't believe that either. But I am glad you are here, you absolutely found the right support group. I tried out some but found this one to be professional, appropriate, compassionate and full of people that are going through the same thing. I too am alone. My spouse fight 18 months of two different types of cancer. Thought we had the throat cancer beat, only to find out 4 months later he had sinus cancer, which took his left eye, hearing and eventually found its way into his cranial nerves and brain. It was horrific to watch. He passed away April 12, 2011. He was 54 years old. I have one son that lives 4 hours away and I am here alone. It is lonely but this support group has helped with that. I won't lie to you, it is not a journey that I would like anyone to experience. The caregiving was exhausting but I was not prepared for the pain of the loss. I too had some medical issues after his passing. I was not taking care of myself and wound up in the hospital Easter Sunday for kidney stone removal surgery as it would not pass. So... please take good care of yourself and please know that your caregiving can take it's toil on you. You are caring for two loved ones and you need support. I hope you find it here. Welcome and know that we are here for you. My husband also did not know he was dying. I have been dealing with a counselor due to that decision. We were fighting the cancer and never looked back. After his passing I felt extremely guilty about not being there for him emotionally and talking about his impending death with him and allowing him to know that. Don't know why but maybe we could have shared the thoughts that go along with knowing that, instead of me knowing and him not. I just don't know the right answers anymore. Blessings, Becky

Dave: Thinking of you on the angelversary. May it pass with peace and gentleness for you. Blessings and Hugs Becky

Good morning all! I have been gone enjoying a girls weekend in Napa Valley. Had a great time and the time with friends has been so therapeutic and enjoyable. But now I am home and the anxiety of my spouse's birthday is on the horizon. My beloved basset hound that I had to put down, her birthday is November 8, spouse's birthday is November 13 and the 7 month anniversary of his passing is November 12th. Lots of dates coming up that I hope I don't get overwhelmed with. I plan on doing something quiet and special and want to try not to get too anxious about it all, although I don't have a clue what that will be. So glad I have this support group for the lonely times at home. You are always there for me when the crash happens. Blessings to all Becky