KATPILOT

That's because we are. All concept of security seems to vanish with such a loss. My sense of vulnerability was the most powerful thing besides sorrow. Both take a long time to ease up. I can't tell you how to deal with sorrow but I can tell you that learning tasks that Jeff used to do will help your confidence and in time you will be doing things you thought you never would. I think we feel less vulnerable when we get a little more control of our lives. I don't know about you but I never had to make big decisions on my own before and now I can. I still feel a little vulnerable but not nearly as much as before.

She is Patty. Cute as a bug.

Perhaps Marg some houses may be portals. I don't know for certain but I strongly suspect I live in such a place. I also believe that they can hear us and we can talk to them much more easily than they can us. It's just a feeling I have but a strong one. Some people find connection at a place that had meaning such a favorite travel spot. For some, it is in dreams and others it's butterflies or birds. For me it's the stars. I don't know why but I find myself drawn to the constellation Orion. Now you all are really going to think I've lost my mind for sure but I bought this box of glow in the dark stars and put them on my ceiling years ago. They can't be seen till I turn out the lights and look up from my bed and there is Orion. My grandchildren might remember that one day. Perhaps one day I will tell them why. In death Marg, Martin Short is someone I so relate to. I do my best talking to Kathy with a glass of wine in my hand outside in my backyard. I have no doubt that that is exactly what she would be doing if our places were switched.

Last night when I stopped to watch the documentary film done by the two young French brothers during 911 I was trying to grip how hard it must have been to be going through such a day of remembrance with the anniversary of such a personal loss that same weekend.

I could not agree more! Girlonfire I am so sorry for what you are going through. Words can't even express how sorry I am. Please take note of what Marty has suggested to read and please stay with us.

Yes Laura. Listen to your dad. I am lucky enough to have a sister who gets it. She such an important part of my life now while I haven't spoken with my brother for five years and doubt I ever will again. In our hearts we know we are good people and those who stick by us reassure us that is true. You don't suffer with a loss such as ours if you were not. A funny thing about grief is that every one who is in that place loves deeply and was loved right back. So after you have been beaten up by family and friends who say hurtful things or desert you, you find yourself drawn to a sanctuary where people gather who have lost someone they've loved and share their love with each other. Then is when you realize that you have become part of something bigger than a place full of people who didn't care anyway. This little community of ours is just such a place.

Thanks. I crumble up aluminum foil to make the shape and then use plaster bandages to form the covering. The last time I made one of these was when the movie came out in 1968.. I used paper mache' back then. I did one of my airplane. What do think Laura? Did I get it right?

Traz I hope you made it through the weekend. The first anniversary is hard of course and I wish I could say it gets better now but it is a slow growth kind of thing. You get through one hurdle and you prepare yourself for the next. Always hard, (but as long as you are with us), never alone

Thank you Kay. What is making them so popular in fine arts is due to the improvements in quality of digital photography and the quality of printers that can reproduce them on canvass as well as paper. My contribution to the auction.

We may not know what goes on in the afterlife Laura but we can have a pretty good idea that human restrictions just don't apply and time has no meaning. For what it's worth, the medium I have seen has told me that Kathy was with her mom and them her dad as well after they crossed over. I kind of felt it made a lot of sense since there was a flurry of electrical activity around the house just before her mom and then her dad died. After they were gone, Kathy disappeared for months. It stopped suddenly and completely. I believe they were united for a while and over again at times. I can't know of course but it's all part of my faith. I guess enough has happened over the years to make me raise more than an eyebrow. Yes I can see you Terri. I am laughing because I was thinking similar thoughts when I first lost Kathy. I thought heaven and hell must be reversed. I was a jerk most of my life and she was an angel. So she must have stayed in heaven where I thought we both lived...........................And I went straight to hell. I went to sleep at 11:30 lying next to her in the hospice home to be awakened an hour later, the nurse telling me she was gone. No, I was the one who crossed over. Leaving her behind and facing my eternal destiny. Of course I have overcome that belief.

One of the last things my wife said to me was that she would reach me if she possibly could. Hours after she died when I got back to my house from the funeral home is when the lights started doing their thing. Oh yes they have their ways. You asked for a butterfly Jgillen ? He heard you. Butterflies fly randomly effected by even a slight breeze. When they land on your finger blee? Well, that takes determination. I love theses stories.

Spell check hasn't even caught up with it yet. The guys at the Cattletrack art compound have so many diverse talents. Carl who does the printing is taking care of two children and a newborn as well. He did an amazing job. I am thinking of displaying them together and not framing the gicle. When people see it next to the original, they will be amazed.

George for me it's cats. I never gave them much thought but Kathy always loved them. After she died I kept having cat encounters. I had a cat who would come in my yard while I was sitting on the patio and just sit near me watching as if it was listening to my thoughts. At work, the feral cats would all but come inside my store and just watch me from the open back doorway. Maybe they have grown up and remember the nice lady that helped feed them in the hot summer so many years ago.

Just a point. My dad loved my mom dearly and was married to her for thirty eight years until she died of cancer. My dad could not live alone and married my step mom three years later. They were married for twenty six years until he died. They were close and indeed loved each other but there was a noticeable difference. They were simply just never that close in comparison. I was of course divorced after twenty year to my high school sweetheart and I thought we were in love only to find in the end, she was not. Okay so I was devastated, it took me a long time to get over that but after the smoke had cleared, I knew had she died and I then found Kathy, I would be looking for her, not my ex. You just know what true love is. You just know a soul mate which I never had till I met her. It's quite impossible to know how it's going to be when we die but my monies on you Gin. I think Al found the person if only because he was more understanding of life and love by the time you met. That is just one factor. The other is your love for him. If you want him, go get him. I just cannot believe that unrequited love exists on the other side. That makes no sense to me at all. Now my stepmom had a religious faith that gave her the desire to be with God when she left this earth. That was her expectation. That was her hope. We discussed this often after my dad had passed. She never seemed to grieve but focused on her expectation for the after life. That silly lady worried she was not good enough to get there. How dear is that? So when we think of what is waiting for us consider this. We were born with free will. I can't imagine that being taken away just because we died. And the best thing to remember is that true love trumps everything. So Gin I wouldn't worry. Think about how Al felt about you and how he still does. Perhaps this is the defining moment of faith.

Exactly Gwen!

Gin I should tell you that I have a lot of electrical events that go on in my home. Specifically there is a ceiling fan light that turns on when something eventful is happening. I have spoken of this before but on two occasions when I actually spoke to her the light turned on right over my head. I don't know what she says but I know she hears me. I sent my son home to my house to pick up something for me and while he was there he said out loud "Kathy it would be nice if you turned on the fan for dad. Moments later the fan came on just as he was leaving. I guess if I were logging this that light and fan would have turned on perhaps 20 times in the last five and a half years. It had never occurred until the day she died. She may be around when nothing special is going on but I tell her I love her every day just in case she is. Nothing had happened for the last two months but I had an appointment with my grief counselor on Thursday afternoon. When I went home, the light was on. Take it for what it's worth. Believe it or not. I have no doubt but then I live there. One of the things I wanted to talk to Joyce my counselor about was how I never have let go because she never has truly left. My grief gets darker after months with no contact and it's like I am starting to grieve all over again. Joyce asked me if I wanted it to end. I said emphatically "hell no". I expressed my fear that I was holding Kathy there because of my own need. I can't talk much about what she said. It's too personal. Let's just say Kathy has the time and she's going to do what she wants. Will I ever move from this house? What do you think? Marty placed some information in a earlier post about after life communication "no medium needed". I copied it to explore but happily I have not had the time for this art auction has kept me quite busy. I can pick it up later because neither Kathy nor I am going anywhere. Kathy has all the time in the world. I have said this before too. I am the luckiest man living the most enchanted life. And it wasn't me. I will probably delete this post soon for I fear it may be disturbing to some but since you asked.

I wonder George, do you once again journal to Rose Anne or have you stopped completely? Sometimes it's okay to cry especially when you are alone. I was discussing with my grief counselor why I talk out loud to Kathy still. Not being God I don't think our lost one's can read our thoughts. I do know however that they can hear us. I think also that they can see us so if that is true, perhaps Rose Anne could read what you wrote. Just a thought. I believe there is a purpose in all of this too George but we may never know the answer. I do believe tomorrow will be a better day even if tomorrow is weeks, months, or years away. I was just thinking how it took me more than five years to see that better tomorrow but I would not have traded those years for anything. My life since Kathy died has been filled with a lot of tears, despair, and sorrow but only because I love that woman so deeply. When years down the road you realize you love them still, well, perhaps it's then that a little smile finds your lips and you chalk it up to the price of love.

Brianna I can only echo the words you are hearing from our community. Glad you found your way here and yes we are open 24/7. That is especially important when the demons keep you awake. This is a horrible time and I'm sorry it has to hurt this bad. I wish it wasn't so.

Marty the dimensions are 24 x 30 inches and the picture is from my cell phone for my camera tanked today so the colors are brighter than the picture shows. I think the printer did a great job but we shall see if the artist approves when she sees it.

Darn Kay. So much so soon. You could sure use a break. I remember when Kathy was dying I had a terrible tooth ache that I neglected and then after she was gone I didn't care how bad I hurt. But it went on until it truly became unbearable. I had to have a root canal done and I took her ipod with me to listen with my earphones as a distraction. They kept asking if I was alright with the pain, if I needed more pain med. They misunderstood why I had tears in my eyes. A few months back I was listening to the same ipod when they were hacking away at my nose to get rid of a skin cancer but the tears were not with me this time. I guess I am stronger than I was five years earlier. I also think I have learned to embrace the triggers because they just qualify the love we shared. While I'm at it, I should say that lately I have come across more triggers that made me smile than made me sad. I hope everyone gets to that place one day. It is possible. If I can do it, anyone can. It just took years to get here and it isn't because the memories or love has faded. I love her just as much or more than I ever did.

I got the gicle back today Patty and I will be stretching it tomorrow. It is the same size as the original and came out pretty darn good. We hang the show next Saturday and I will take a lot of pictures. Janie has the event on her website's calendar and Mark is sending out the evites one week before the show. His experience is that more people come when they have less time to forget about the shows.

You have that right. When you have found the one, no time could ever have been enough. Had I known Kathy for but a month I would have felt the same for I knew the moment I met her that she was "the one". And, what do you do next once you've known perfection?

Maryann football season reminds me of fall which reminds me of cooler temps which I so want to see. I never had a favorite team and don't much care either way but for some reason Kathy loved the Packers. I remember being in the hospital in Calgary just weeks before she died and the super bowl was on. They moved us to a different room with no tv since you had to order it a day in advance. So I felt such desperation trying to find a way for her to see her favorite team play. Green Bay won of course but she was not able to see it. She didn't complain but it's one of a thousand memories I wish I didn't have. I couldn't save her life. Hell I couldn't even get a tv. Marg, life is an adventure. You've accomplished more than many of us could have and still be terrified.

Butch I hope you are doing okay although I know that is sort of impossible. I was thinking about your dad and losing his wife. It brought back memories of my in-laws. The only time I ever heard my father in-law cry was when I told him over the phone so far away that his daughter had left us. My wife's parents had a very hard time with my wife's death. I don't think my mother in-law could handle the loss and in poor health, she passed within a year and a half. Once again my father in-law faced a loss so great that he followed his wife within five months. At the funeral I could only feel that he was the lucky one. He got to be with his wife and daughter and most importantly escape the pain both physically and emotionally. I was left behind having lost my own father and all of them within a few short years of each other. But it takes more strength and courage to keep on living. That is what we are doing my friend, fighting through the pain. I see that you were born just four days before my wife which makes you eleven years younger than I. That is a double edged sword I suppose. You have more life yet to live and yet more years of sorrow to endure. I can't help but believe that life has a purpose. There just has to be a reason we are still here. The trick is to allow it to show itself though it's hard to see with tears in our eyes. I pray you find comfort and rest for Mary is still close to you in more ways than you can imagine and how we live our lives is so greatly influenced by them.

My grief counselor told me how when at work people would continue asking such questions after her husband had died. She had a tag she wore that said I AM HAVING A with a tag hanging underneath that said GOOD DAY on one side and BAD DAY on the other so she could turn it around for how she felt. It seemed to work.