KATPILOT

It is good that you found the courage and strength to get here blee. Welcome to a safe and caring community. I too am sorry for why you found us but glad you did.

Marg I just watched Babe for the umpteenth time this last weekend and The Boss reminds me so much of Kathy's dad who was a farmer in Alberta. He strongly resembled James Cromwell and was such a gentle kind man. It gets me every time I watch it. What gets me the most is the song "If I had words" I sing that song out loud to Kathy quite often.

I couldn't agree more.

How could you have known the funeral was going to be going on Gin? Chances are it won't be a problem next week and the way you set your plan of travel was incredible. Thinking it through like that and getting a good picture of what to expect would have made Al very proud of you. We just can't plan for the unexpected. Thankfully the unexpected doesn't happen that often. I hope next week finds you safely at your group and you walk away from it feeling better. Two fifty for parking is sadly quite high but maybe it would be good to have it with you just in case.

It's not the girls I worry about Mitch.

Thank you Marty. They are adorable and they are going to be part of the "live entertainment" at the auction. They love dancing to Ronnie's music.The next day will be the triplets seventh birthday. One day when I'm long gone I think they will talk about how much fun they had with me just as I remember how cool my grandpa was. If there was just one goal in my life after loss, it would have been to make a difference.

I believe one of the hardest parts of grief is what you are going through right now Gwen. Losing him and now you feel you are losing yourself, is a very real thing. That person you once were is hell and gone. It's the same for me too and most everyone here I'll bet. If you lost a leg and they told you you will be able to walk again just like before you would know better and this is a lot worse than losing a leg. Do we reinvent ourselves? How do we motivate ourselves to do so? I wrote once that I didn't like who I had become. I remember feeling it I just don't remember much about that time. It all gets mixed up. Somehow I took a fork in the road that turned out to be a better path than where I was headed. Perhaps Kathy pushed me. I'd like to believe that. It would be kind of romantic. One day you will once more have something to say. Joyce there is a purpose for it even if it doesn't seem apparent yet.

These are the smiles that have kept me going for the last 66 months. The triplets were 18 months old when Kathy died. and my grandson was born nine months after she left. From left to right Jasmine, William, Angela, and Mayu. It's hard to be sad when they are around and watching them grow so fast over these years makes it hard to keep track of time. I do know that when they spend the night at my house, I feel Kathy enjoying them. She often talked about taking them to have their nails done and shopping of course. I might look a little silly but I may have to take her place. In my early months, they brought a smile to my face when I needed it the most.

Simply trying to cope is how we begin. It takes courage to try Marita and that courage will get you to a better place and a better time.

There is just something special about new life when we have lost someone. Butch knows it, I know it, and you dear Patty know it now too. When my grandson was born after Kathy left this earth, I looked at him and saw a new life while another one ended. Life goes on and sometimes we find peace in that even if it lasts but a short while. When you find a smile on your lips where one hadn't been for so long, it does remind you that there is still hope. We all deserve a smile once and again. You are changed forever Patty. We all are. I was listening to a song on Kathy's playlist which was by Nick Lachey "What's left of me" and a line from it resonates through my very soul. It simply says "I'm half the man I thought I would be". It may have been true but I was still half a man. Then I started becoming more whole. More whole but different. You can never have that person back that you once were. You can have a new person, a modified person but a person just the same. It's called being born again but not speaking of religion.

So many memories too Butch. I remember when my dad died a few months after my wife. I wished so much she could have been there with and for me. In case that happens for you just know there are many here who stand with you. The death of a parent after losing your bride seems to make her loss even greater. I lost my in-laws within the next two years and still my wife being gone all but consumed me. It's just hard, very very hard but in time it gets easier and then you miss every one of them. Death makes no sense to me now and I doubt it ever will. I'd put my arm on your shoulder were I there. We all would. If you can sleep at all please do so. The mental exhaustion takes the biggest toll. Steve

This touched me Marg. Things like that happen in my house too. That's about the sweetest, dearest thing I've heard in a long while.

Don't worry Anne. I'll deliver them.

Another card for my fridge. Thanks WolfsKat. It's not just normal to feel such sadness and grief after one year Traz. It would be illogical to not feel that way unless of course you were in denial. I love your tag image. Speaks a powerful feeling of loss. This weekend will be hard. The first often is but I'm glad you found your way here.

Here you go Laura. I had a little fun with this one.

Your words speak volumes Mitch. I hope all of us get to be where you are now, to look to the future with uncertainty yet keeping that special person inside us as we travel. A lifeboat of joy in a sea of sorrow.

Thanks Mitch but I am inspired right now. It is kind of sacred Anne but I feel as I look at the body of work that it's more than just an art sale. It's both emotional and inspirational. What it says to all of us and about all of us is that we care and we are indeed a family. I tell you this Mitch. I feel every one of those times I've hit my hands with a hammer, all 43 years of them. Laura I tried to see the hiking trail on departure but I was too focused on incoming traffic but it was a pleasure to meet and visit with you.

I see it too Patty. There are rainbows in nebulas - the birthplace of stars. I picked these up this morning . Thank you so much Laura. I will do the three other water colors this week.

Butch I am so sorry to hear this. Gracie does indeed have your heart. One day she will understand just how much that meant to you.

Gin I guess we'll have to figure an event for the future in Chicago. When I disassembled Kathy's sewing room this weekend, I discovered this quilt she had folded up and stashed in a drawer that she obviously was not happy with. I love it though and I framed it today for the auction thinking it only fit that something of hers should be entered since the morning I woke up with the idea for this auction, I knew she had put it my head. I think she would love the crazy mat I cut for it.

Thank you all for the thoughts. It's all done now and cute as hell. I did discover something in Kathy's stash of things. I found a quilt piece she had started and knowing her she quit because she wasn't happy with it. I found it lovely. I am framing it for the art auction but I guess I will have to outbid anyone that dares try to buying it. I think it appropriate to have something of hers in the show. It makes this whole thing just that much more meaningful.

I just need to vent. This weekend I am doing something I knew was inevitable but it's more than five and a half years coming. I have no guest room in my house. It's been Kathy's sewing room left pretty much undisturbed all this time. My grandchildren are getting bigger and having them spend the night on collapsible beds just isn't working any longer. I ordered bunk beds last weekend and they are being delivered this afternoon. I've been emptying the room since yesterday including cabinets stuffed with fat quarters and yarns. I am donating a lot but that's not the issue. I never thought after this much time it would get to me like this. I've made a lot of small changes over the years and triggers ceased to bother me but this is different. This is major. That room which always looked as if she was still around working in it is leaving. It's like triggers in reverse. Could I have grown so accustomed to that room as a trigger that I began to cherish it? Years ago I stopped seeing it as a trigger for sorrow. I began to enjoy the beauty of the artists studio. I know it will become a room of great joy for my triplet granddaughters and I'm trying to keep that in mind. I even know she would be happy to have them in our home. That's just not the point. I just have never felt this before. It's a whole new chapter of grief and it took years to write this one.

Janet I welcome you also. There are many helpful things to read and tools to help you on this grief's journey. You are among friends. Bill I think you will miss her every day for the rest of your time here on earth. I believe I will too. Steve

Is this kind of what you meant by name tags Anne? I will have one for any members coming to the show.