KATPILOT

I understand that feeling about Valentine's Day also mfh. This one is hitting quite hard as well. Last year didn't seem so bad. This is the second one without Kathy and I pulled out the cards she had saved which I had given her for all those years. I put one up next to her with flowers I had bought. Somehow these lilies smell so much more intense. She always loved flowers and I keep fresh ones in the house all of the time. I think she likes that I do. I am leaving Saturday to fly myself to San Diego. (one of our favorite getaways) It will be the second anniversary of her "heaven day" Just killin time till I join her. Have a love filled evening everyone and if you are very still, perhaps you can feel them with you.

Wow Shelly! That truly did take courage. I had always believed women were braver than men. I guess I was lucky since Kathy and I had just four months to know that she had a problem. It was just a lump in her thigh that turned out to be a monster. We always felt that we would beat it. Even after her six weeks of chemo and radiation at the Mayo, we went to visit her parents in Calgary so she could see them before her surgery as they were not able to travel. While we were up there, she developed a cough and ended up in the hospital only to discover that it had spread into her lungs and she would never be able to leave the hospital again. Still we needed to get back to the Mayo hospital here in Phoenix because we kept thinking they would have some experimental idea to save her. I will always remember when her doctor up there came in to tell us that any chance she might have had was passed. She needed to decide where she wanted to be at the end. Kathy just said okay. she never felt sorry for herself and as she always said, "it is what it is". I remember the doctor with tears in her eyes told Kathy that she had never seen someone as brave. Even on the air ambulance flying home, she smiled. That is courage my friends. I so wish I had it too.

Yes widower it is a rough time indeed. Last year was my first as well and though it may have been rough, I still found myself alive on Dec. 26th. I think the hardest part is decorating for the holiday. As so many of us know, the decorations are a joint connection between the two. Doing them alone is so very hard. Even just touching the ornaments brings pain yet last year I knew she wanted me to do it. So I got a glass of wine, turned on the Christmas music and once I started, I knew she was with me. That was one moment that I would not have wanted anyone else in my house. It was just ours to share. I don't know if this will help anyone but think about it. They would want you to do it. As a matter of fact, I think they would insist. This weekend, I did it again and for what it's worth, it was easier to begin. Stephen

Annette! Yes it was a wonderfull event. I went for the first time last year to remember Kathy that way. I did it again this year to honor her, my dad, and both of Kathy's parents who died this year as well. Last year I went alone and it was more sorrowfull than I thought it would be. This year though, I took my son and his family along. While I was watching the pictures, I was holding one of my grandaughters when my dad and her parents came up on both sides at the same time. It was splendid and I felt such a feeling realizing that loved ones leave and new ones come into this world. My grandaughters are three year old triplets and they keep me going sometimes when it gets rough. Didn't it give you such a feeling to see all of the blue lights in the group? Go again next year and get another light. I turn mine on every once in a while and think of them. It is a truly wonderfull event and it is just one of many things Hospice does to help us all heal. Angela loved the cookies!

Wow, and I thought loosing Kathy when she was just 51 was so wrong. Anthony and Deborah, I can just imagine what it must feel like. When I feel the saddest, I remember that I am 63 and have already lived much longer with perhaps many more years to go. I stop feeling so sorry for myself at that moment. Does the loss still hurt like mad? You bet. I try however to remember how great we lived and how she had taught me so many years ago that life is precious and it could end at any moment. So, she said "don't waste it". I guess I have been wasting it a little in the last year and a half but that's okay. I have to grieve. I was once told that at first you have nothing but sad days. Then one day you notice that you had a happy moment. Eventaully you have more happy days than sad ones. We'll see. I for one intend to do the things we both planned on doing together. I think she will be with me when I do. I always thought I would go first, but I guess that is somewhat selfish. Unless you both go together, and sometimes that happens, eventually one of you sleeps alone. Stephen

And thank you too Marty! I was so taken by how much you do on this site. I as well as so many others appreciate the work you do and how much of yourself you put into this. The only way one can councel is to let the pain of others in and feel it. Not an easy task. Thanks again and I will write more when I get back. S

First of all I want to thank you all for the nice thoughts. Marty, the truth is, that I only mentioned the thought of ending my life because I know that passes through so many of us. I could never do that of course so please don't think that would ever happen. Right now, I am just going through another sad moment and a sense of loss. It is of course not easy to have lost the two people that I was able to have in my life that shared the love of Kathy with me. It is also sad that as I leave soon to go back for the last time, that I will miss those moments there as well. I read a book when my children were young (maybe a dozen times) called "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck. I ended up with the complete understanding that life is difficult. Once I understood that, I could get on with the rest of my life. I will. Having said that, I also want to say that I believe in fate. I know that every step I have been taking has led me through the past and into through future. Sometimes when I get so busy at work or playng with my three year old triplet grandaughters, I find happiness. It seems as though it is a distraction that only keeps the pain away for a while. When I am alone again, I realize how much I still love her yet I have a belief that she is still with me, inside me, and I can live my life to the end quite nicely that way. Some loves are just that deep and I believe that I will be with her one day. I also suspect that will be quite a long time from now.

Loosing the love of your life is so hard. I know........ been through it. When Kathy died more than a year and a half ago, I have been as sad as I ever thought I could be. When my dad died a year ago, it was sad sure but he was ninety and had a good life . Kathy was only 51 and I was still in too much of a grieving state, that it just didn't sink in. Kathy's parents had always been so nice to me and when they lost thier daughter, I had someone to share the grief with. On Mothers Day last I was going up to see her in Calgary since she was so ill. I knew her detiorating health was a direct result of loosing Kathy. The trip ended up being a funeral. I talked a lot with her dad because I knew what he was going through. I went up to visit him on Fathers Day and it was very nice to share our love for the lost loves we had in common. Since then his health started going quickly and I went up to see him in the hospital last week. I knew he was going. Yesterday he died and I will be leaving soon for his funeral. What gets me the most is loosing the people I came to love who shared a grief with me. Strangely, it helped me feel so not alone and being around people who I had grown to love gave me comfort. Now it seems like "boom" all gone. Loosing four people so important in my life so soon leaves me wondering why am I still here? I wish I had an answer but all I have are more questions. I still wake up knowing I was crying in my sleep. Today I realized I am right where I was the day she left. We only had three months to know that something was wrong so you see I didn't have time to accept that eventuality. I wonder how many others wished we could have died right then, been able to be with them. Now every day I see myself getting older looking in the mirror and wondering "Is this how I get to pay for every bad thing I did in life?" I say that because don't we bounce all over the place trying to make sence of such a loss? Haven't we wanted to die in the worst way? These are all very natural feelings to have. Sorry to be so long winded but I need to do this every once and again to keep myself going.

Myboby, March is not that long ago. What you are feeling is very understandable and unfortunatly, you are early on a long road of healing. As Marty said, grief keeps changing. I can testify to that. I lost my bride two years ago this comming Feb. 17th. At first I felt as you are describing. Shock gives way to total trauma. You come unglued in many different ways. And then you cry more than you ever thought possible. I actually thought I had developed an eye infection because I would wake with my eye stuck to my pillow. I was crying in my sleep. i found it hard to work without loosing it and driving in my car made me appreciate that I had dark tinted windows. I wish I could say that it gets better but you would not believe me yet. Grief is a journey. It comes with all kinds of wicked thoughts from guilt to anger, and even ideas of giving up. One great thing about this place is that there are so many souls going through it like you are and I hope like me you can find comfort in listening to there stories and take what you can from them. They are like tools that you can use to help you through this journey that we have all found ourselves in. One day you will realize that you laughed more than you cried. It happened to be that day that I knew I was not going to die of grief, but to live with it.

A very interesting topic indeed. I have to say that I am not the most religious person out there and my bride Kathy who died of cancer a year and a half ago was even less religious than I. We often talked about the other side of death because we had heard so many stories and talked with those who had experienced events. Shortly before Kathy died she told me that she would reach me if she at all could. Let me just say she did. At first I thought I was imagining things because I needed it to be true. (an escape from the vivid fact that she was gone). Lights in my house began to turn on even when I was at home alone. These lights were all 12 volt systems by the way (lower voltage than regular house current). One night I was awakened because the alarm on her car was going off inside the garage. We always left the keys inside the cars since the garage was secured. Her car had also locked itself. By that point, I just laughed to myself glad I had extra keys and wondered what she was trying to tell me. I remembered that she always took very good care of her car and I remebered that ever since her death, I hadn't had the oil changed. I took it in that week. There is a ceiling fan in my family room that we put in years ago. (a twelve volt system also). It can only turn on by the remote as it is hard wired to power. There is a light on it as well. Needless to say, it comes on every once in a while and even though I have the remote out of range, it still is easy for her to manipulate. So many times things have happened seeming to have nothing to do with each other that I would need volumes to list them all. Let me just say that just before mothers day last, things happened several times a day. I knew something was going on and I got a call from my sister in law that Kathy's mom had passed away. I was going up to Calgary for mothers day but it turned out to be a funeral. I know right now that they are together because nothing has happened in my house since then. I know I may sound crazy but it is what it is and members of my family have seen these things occur so they no longer want to have me locked up. (just a joke) So for what it's worth, just know that there are many unexplained things and we can only be certain of one thing. We don't get to know the secret till we go there. Stephen