KATPILOT

I don't know if this makes any sense Gwen but while it seems that the growth of your lives together is over a little piece of Steve still exists in many things you do. Let me explain. We are so affected by years of shopping together. You bought things together that you both liked. When you bought something alone you would show him and ask "What do you think?" You were a team. I was part of a team too and at first I couldn't handle shopping at all. It was something we did so much together that after Kathy was gone I had a hell of a time even going into a grocery store. Then something started to change. Things in my home started to wear out. Appliances began to fail. Glassware broke and bed sheets began to tear. I was forced into shopping and shopping by myself. It was then that I realized that what I was buying was influenced by her just as if she was standing by my side. Over the years we became aware of what the other one liked and we blended. There I was blending again. Without even thinking I was selecting things that I knew she would have liked too. In some way I felt she was right there with me. I know it's not the same but it helped me feel better when I had to shop and when I put those new things in my home, I felt she was seeing them and I could ask "What do you think?". Kathy would never buy anything for the house if I didn't truly like it. If she even sensed I was not enthusiastic it went back. I thought that was a bit silly but she was quite firm about it. I grew to love that about her. Perhaps now when I shop, I have become a little like she was. Perhaps one day you can find shopping a little easier and find some meaning in it. Some of you ladies have talked about how your husbands would not have been able to handle you dying first. I want to say that I think I would fall into that same category. Had Kathy died first, I would never have been able to handle it. She was younger, more emotionally strong and although she would have grieved I like to think she would have sought out help, counseling, and even might have found her way here. But I didn't die first. She did. I was the one left behind and I came within a hairs breath of not making it. I wanted death in the worst way. Living without her was more than I could take. So maybe I was a bit like your husbands. I was just another wolf crying in the night. Somehow however I made it this far and I'm still standing. That's pretty good for an emotional vegetable like me.

It's a big fear of mine too Brad. Sadly we can't choose our destiny. If I still have my mind I think I could live with that. One of my goals in life is to have enough money at the end that I can have someone take care of me in my own home. I think that's why I keep working. I am lucky enough to have my two sons handle my affairs. I trust them but I may not trust myself. I watched my step mom compromise her checking account three times in her last five years. It was such a hassle to set up new accounts and redo her social security deposits and retirement. Lots of paper work but she never got ripped off. If I live so long I don't want that to be me. It would so aggravate me but I never let her know it. Now that I know it, I don't want to put my kids through that. You know? Life is still a gift. Every day I am alive I think about what I have done to enjoy it. I try and do at least one little thing that makes me appreciate life although it is increasingly harder. Today I focused on tasting food. The simple pleasure of just tasting something yummy made it a good day. Like I was saying, just one little thing. Yeah life is a challenge and the loss we feel makes it harder but one little smile each day makes it better than no smile at all.

The holidays always amplify our grief. I think that's because we have so many good memories with them during what used to seems like such a happy time. You wonder Kim if you will ever be happy again? I think you will. It may never be the same but there will be times when you will find joy and laughter. We can't wait for death to be happy once more. It could be a long time coming. We can honor them by living life as well and as full as we are able. LC didn't leave you. Death stole him away reminding us all how life is not fair. Once we face this truth, once we accept it, we can start living on. We won't stop feeling sad and we won't just magically move on. We will however find a smile return to our face once again. It's not easy for me to say this. I've died a thousand times over all these holidays since she left. I just tell you that I do smile more in my anguish than I did in 2011. I doubt Halloween won't find a tear in my eye at some point not to mention Thanksgiving and Christmas but every year there are more and more smiles. I try to remember the reason I once was happy before. I try to remember why my wife made me happy and hold on to the fact that she did. Only when I do that that can a smile catch my lips almost as if she was kissing me.

Happy anniversary Joyce. Lovely picture indeed and your memories are so heartwarming.

Kathie I hope indeed this next year is the year you find your life meaningful once again. I can't say that I am as happy as I was six years ago but I can still say I'm happy. Perhaps it's true that we won't find life better but to keep trying is so important. You understand how Connor would want that for you and what a wonderful tribute you make for him. I see him happy on the beach in no small part because of who he was looking at.

Brad the fact that you are going is a major thing. To do what you would have done together has such meaning not only to your healing but your future as well. By living and growing is how we honor them. It's how we honor ourselves. Deedo is way to special to give up living because of her loss. I suppose I'm just saying what you already know. So when you go and you buy something, I bet you will learn the history of the piece. The way I look at things now is not the same as I did when Kathy was here. Now I look at things with more than just my own eyes. Do they go with us? I know what I believe.

I second that!

Oh Butch I'm so sorry to hear that. We will continue to pray for Gracie and you and your family as well.

Amy I can see how that must have sent you into a meltdown. All it did though is just slip off. This happens sometimes because we lose weight in grief. My ring became so loose that I feared it falling off and worse, losing it. I gained the weight back soon enough much to my chagrin. I sense you had something close to a trigger moment but perhaps more of a symbolic moment. Try to understand that it had no meaning in respect to moving away from Daniel. It just slipped off you thin finger that's all. You can always have it sized down need be. It's times like this that we realize how close we are to coming unglued. Just one thing can put us over the edge of thinking we are doing pretty good. It'll be okay.

One day Bill you will find yourself laughing. it may even make you feel bad to do so as if you were letting go of something or betraying your loss with some joy. It's okay to laugh though and at first it will be rare. One day however you will notice that you smiled more than you cried. One day you will find yourself alive again. I keep repeating this I know but my friends it is so true. You just have to keep the faith. And by the way, it doesn't mean we love them any less. It just means you hurt like hell right now but you still love them regardless. You always will.

There is a physical drain in grief. If for no other reason than the tension you may not even be aware of that stresses your body. It goes on twenty four/ seven long enough to leave you vulnerable to illness. Part of the journey is the ride. Uphill for so very long but then you reach a plateau and you can catch your breath. Then you find yourself climbing once more. I hate the climb because as I get older, I tire more quickly.

Just had to pass this one along.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” I just love this Brad. Robin I wonder if Kevin can't still be your husband even after your last breath. I guess you'll find out one day but I'm betting he'll be waiting and will have a thousand things to tell you. See Marty? Like Queen Noor said, I think it works the other way too.

Happy anniversary Kay. George knows. You should never worry about that. This day is far too special to go unnoticed by the other half of the couple you are.

Annually there is something I deal with which like an anniversary is one of the most special times of year for me. This one though is a trigger of emotions like no other. This is the week of the national quilting convention in Houston. This was the happiest week of the year for Kathy. This coming weekend would be the happiest weekend for me annually because it was the most romantic. For longer than I can remember she would be there taking classes all week and I would join her on the weekend. Every night she would call me and tell me about her day and her friends she would meet, their lunches and dinners and all the things that just made her light up with joy. She was always learning, always growing and that week, that week was her favorite time. In September I would be at the store on that first day of registration faxing her request for classes and the fax line was always busy for hours as I kept attempting until it finally went through. That convention is the largest annual event at that convention center and women from around the world were doing the same thing. Gosh she loved it so and that pleased me. The best part though was when I would leave on Friday to join her. For me that was when my part began. Viewing all the works and buying all the fabric and books and taking them to the shipping department. Then seeing things around Houston and the dinners, oh my the dinners! To me, that weekend was what loved looked like. That was the weekend that for me love felt like. Just to see her face lit up. I would stand there and just look at her like a she was a kid in a candy shop and her joy would travel right into my very core. Oh wow I miss that so much. I feel as if I am having a full blown trigger moment and it comes with all the emails that come across her email which I use for anything that has to do with something unrelated to business. I can never cancel those emails she gets. It's like canceling a piece of her. I don't normally hang it out like this but I am having a weak moment for this one is bigger than a birthday, anniversary, or the day she left me. It was this one that set me off this year.

Thank you Kay. I trust you will let Butch know how much we are pulling for Gracie and care about him.

It is indeed a struggle to come into this life so early Butch. We await your updates. I like what the doctors have to say.

Anne you bring up something I forgot. I made a point when you first suggested it but I have been so lazy I set it aside. I do have a cd that I like and should pull it out. It is the ocean with soft music in the background. When I was in Maui last year I had a room over the ocean surf and I had my doors open all night. No wonder I slept better there.

I can remember the last night I slept really well. It was the first Wednesday in November of 2010. Although I was worried sick I didn't want Kathy to know how scared I was. Even though the worry ended in February, something else took it's place. I get that Gwen. I try and let my body do what it needs to do but somehow the mind gets in the way. I hate turning my mind off with medication. I may sleep longer but it seems to make my mind try and make up for it when I'm awake. I'd rather spend ten hours getting six hours of good sleep any day.

Marita I'm sorry I saw this so late but I'm glad I did. What a beautiful touching tribute to your dear husband and at the same time lets you share how you feel. The first holidays are so hard I know but perhaps next year you will find them softer. I miss Canadian Thanksgiving. This one slipped right by me for I lost that connection years ago and I so miss it.

Brad really has it right Robin. I think those days can seem like a long time but then you find you have come out of it once more. While it will happen again, in time those days will be shorter in duration. I'm still quite capable of having them but two or three days a month gives way to many more days with smiles.

Mitch I think you will be still just as much in love with Tammy years from now. I just sense that about you. But you have plenty of time to figure it out. It comes slowly I'm sorry to say but it comes just the same. As we move along down this path I think our love keeps us going when things are at their darkest. That my friend is the only way we can eventually figure out how to find meaning and purpose. Perhaps somewhere along the way Tammy will put an idea into your thoughts or dreams and when you least expect it, something will make sense. Food for thought: I began early on my journey to force myself to socialize more. Kathy and I did that so seldom. We were selfish with our free time and didn't feel like sharing it with others. As I was alone with very few friends I started seeing things from a different perspective. I began going out for dinner and drinks with other widowed friends and all of them were women. I just didn't know any men who lost their wives as I had. I had a good customer try to set me up too but that just wasn't my style. I laugh now when I remember that party I was invited to that turned out to be a set up with a female friend of the host who had lost her husband years earlier. I was wearing Kathy's wedding ring around my neck at the time and spoke about Kathy and how I was married for all of time. When I finally wigged her out she moved on. But now I go out and have a nice time and don't even think about gender. My life has no room for agenda but I can still get out of the house. It's not an easy thing to accomplish but it can be done. I started by going out alone and still do sometimes. I have grown comfortable with myself and we are no longer fighting.

Me too Marg.

. Fellow members, It's time to bring this topic back to our attention now that our art auction fundraiser is behind us and we must remember that while it helped a great deal, we cannot stop working to keep Marty and this important haven going. When I first found this site it was funded by Hospice Of The Valley (HOV) here in Phoenix, Arizona. Soon after I arrived and in the throws of a very dark place in my life budget cuts forced HOV to stop funding Marty. I was too deep in my own anguish to even notice the donate button at the top of the page. It wasn't that I couldn't help. It was that I could see little beyond my own grief. As has been spoken before many members of our community of over eight thousand have a very hard time making ends meet and that is not only a horrific place to be but can add unwanted guilt to their grief because they cannot help. That is the beauty of this place. We don't care who can afford to help. There is and never shall be a fee to participate in healing. As a matter of fact the longer you are here, the more you can help others with your words, wisdom, and experience and you can't put a price tag on that. Guilt has no place here. Only love is welcome. What is important is that those of us who can help, must help. Those of you who already do so know how grateful Marty is. This thread is to remind those who haven't helped but can afford to do so to step up and those that are new to understand the need in case their grief had them pass it by unnoticed as I had. Please keep it mind and do what you can. Thank you Patty for giving us a banner to connect the love with the support through this photo from the grounds of our art auction.

At the top of each page Lost in Grief, there is a heading named "guidelines". That should tell you all you need to know. Not many rules but rather common sense and courtesy keep us all comfortable with each other.