KATPILOT

It doesn't make sense alright Kay. I hope you have a safe night and stay warm. Yeah I would say you've done the time but sadly we never get paroled from this sentence do we? Especially for a crime we didn't commit. Just a thought for times like this. Could you get a simple battery charger that you could plug in for a few hours? I've used that technique before and I'm sure I'll use it again.

Maryann I'm sorry this day had to come once again though sadly it must happen every year. Your words speak of strength that you have built over these past two years and even if you might not recognize it, it's there. My thoughts are with you this day. Your friend, Steve

Sadly Patty we get the bad haunts as well as good ones. I wish sometimes I could select what I wish would pop into my head. This week when you drive Ron's truck I hope you will feel him in it. You talk about a place to meditate? I think perhaps you might have one of your own. Just a thought. I wish we didn't have those memories. They get in the way of happier times. Too bad we don't have an MIB neuralizer. As agent K said "That's one of a thousand memories I don't want to have".

Yes Gwen, that kind of loneliness is unique to grief for even in a crowd, it still exists. The one we want to be with the most is not here.

I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to survive while your husband did not and you must have been quite injured yourself Marie. You have scars on the outside to go with the ones in your heart. I'm so sorry.

Gwen you are right about us being evolved, certainly not as evolved as we hoped. Sometimes it seems as if we are going backward. Kathy would have been having a very sad time with how we are behaving in the world today least of all right here in our country. She taught me not to judge and the truth is she was so far more evolved than I that I wanted to be like her. I continue to want to be like her. She would be the one finding love among hatred. I wonder what the world would look like if every person alive was widowed. I think compassion might overpower hate .i think I will just put an 'out of order' sticker on my forehead and call it a day. Now that is really great Gwen.

Ana hang around with widowed people I find it easy to talk with them and when I meet someone these days and they have experienced a loss, I find the connection makes a difference. Meanwhile I keep my feelings about what really matters to myself as you do when dealing with the general uneducated population.

I feel as if I am writing an entirely new book only for this one I think I have a ghostwriter helping me with every chapter.

George maybe having some expectations isn't all that bad. While it may set us up for disappointments it also allows the possibility for achievement. There is a risk of failure in every attempt at success. Fear of flying sort of thing. Oh and by the way, getting up to face the day is a greater achievement than you may realize. Every one of us that does that deserves a pat on the back if just for the hell we are coming from.

Gwen you may think your being here serves nothing but there is a reason. There just has to be because you are still part of Gwen and Steve and that is too important for the other half not to go on.. One day you will find the reason. One day you will find the purpose. Sometimes I think there has to be a plan for why we have to live through this. Of course this is all blind faith but what else to do? Keep in mind I was never this optimistic in the early years.

Marge I used to say even if I was moving backwards, at least I was moving. How I wish I could go backwards, say about ten years? I watch The Time Machine over and over and if there was one fantasy I would wish to come true, well, that would be the one. Patty don't forget it takes a lot of courage to smile for a camera while your heart is torn apart. You did good. Very, very good.

It saved me too Frussell. Glad to have you on board even if the reason you are is because of the worst.

Happy belated birthday Gwen. I'm sorry I missed it. One day the holiday may be more festive but there always will be a big part of it missing. I was lucky this year because I kind of missed it. The family decided to do Thanksgiving in Pine Top and I was going to fly up to join them but on my take off roll something just didn't feel right so I aborted the take off, put the plane back in the hanger, phoned in my apology, and had the most unusual Thanksgiving I can ever remember. Still my mind was on Kathy and that is something that just never leaves. I can't imagine how to not let those thoughts have power. You are not alone on that one. And during the holidays even if you do let those thoughts flow by, there are so many more right behind them like a never ending story.

Kay I miss a lot of days that are important to so many of us here mostly because at this time of year I am often not on for days at a time and events like anniversaries pop up on the day they happen. I tried to keep a list of important dates but I'm overlooking the list too. But we all know how we feel about each other so we don't take it to heart. Some of us don't even post about a day of importance to us because it is too private or painful to even bring it up. My heart goes out to you people too. The holidays are coming and with it a lot of anguish and sorrow hit most of us. Those who have an anniversary or birthday or a heaven day feel especially vulnerable. With the love and compassion for each other I know we will get through it. I'm glad we have this place to come when we're sad. Tonight when I go to the "Light Up A Life" event in Phoenix I will see some friends and feel that familiar gut reaction when Kathy's picture comes up as I always do but I will honor her by being there. There is something so magical about the thousands of people there wearing the blue light around their necks in the dark. So many people sharing a loss in one place is a power I can't explain but it marks the beginning of the holiday season and we all do what we have to do to survive our loss. Even if it means crying in public. To all my friends, peace to you as we head into the season...sad but never alone.

Karen I hope your night is a peaceful one. I forgot to mention that I am going to the Light Up A Life event tomorrow if you want to go but need a ride. I'd be glad to take you.

The first of this kind is hard I know but it's still your anniversary Patty and some things never end. Hang in there as you work so hard to keep Maui Pasta, the dream of two wonderful people, alive.

Something about snuggles that warms your soul and melts your heart I'm sorry about your daughter-in-law Butch but I know with help, time, and love she will get past this. I try to tell my triplet granddaughters about Kathy for they were only a year and a half when she left. I show pictures of them with her and they see her all around my house. I let them wear her cosmetic jewelry and her sandals with sparkles but in the end it just brought up a question one of them asked. She asked "Grandpa when are you going to die?" I replied "Not any time soon Munchkin. Death is very confusing to a child and they will have to understand it in time

But you will Kazza . In time you will find purpose but for now, welcome. I'm sorry for why you have found us. I too have great sons and daughter-in-laws, grandchildren and many friends but at the end of the day there is always someone missing. Someone quite important huh?

For what it's worth Robin I find that Kathy is gone for months at a time and in my first years on this journey I thought each time that she was gone forever. It's my opinion that they leave and come back. There have been times for me when I was having a particularly hard time in my grief when she would make her presence known. To say it helped me would be an understatement. The last two weeks have been a very difficult time for me but she is not here this time. I know now that I can't always count on it. I think she has somewhere else to be. I wish I could explain the feeling I have that weeks for me are like seconds for her. Just a hunch I guess but I've learned to trust those hunches. For now I just know that I am a lot stronger than I was in 2011 and maybe she knows that but I want to display some lyrics of a song I found on her IPOD after she died which is a very powerful song concerning after life communication. It was indeed incredible to find it there almost as if she wanted me to. Camino Palmero from "The Calling" entitled "Wherever you will go" And maybe I'll find out a way to make it back someday To watch you, to guide you Through the darkest of your days. You might try and listen to this song for it speaks volumes.

What a wonderful way Polly to honor Richard and to not be alone on this day. I'm glad you have your daughter and I'm glad she has you. I hope the fall colors help bring a warm feeling for the two of you.

Sometimes I forget and have to read it once more.

My daughter-in-law is Japanese. Her father died before my wife did and her mother of course will never marry again. In the Japanese culture you never marry again. It is simply an accepted fact that once you have found perfection then you can never have it again. This is not at all western culture but for me it just holds true. We don't always marry "perfection". I had been married before and it was kind of like twenty years of hell. When I met Kathy it was like magic. Everything about her was perfect and of course I saw her through rose colored glasses but when I took them off she was still perfect. Plain and simple. I knew it when I met her. I knew it every year of my life after we married and I have known it for the last five years eight months and eleven days. I had found perfection and I'll have words with anyone who would say otherwise. So it's just very easy to accept my life now and it isn't like I wanted it this way. It isn't like I want to be alone or without all I had. It just is what it is. Like you Gwen I work to accept it and if I am to go it alone then I have to find ways to make it less painful and more interesting than just sitting around feeling sorry for myself which I did for quite a while. There came a time in my life when I had to start living again and being without Kathy is just going to be difficult. I am reminded of this which I once read and then read again and again until I understood it.

Thank you for the compliment. I did not intend to appear as a lower end vegetable but more of a higher more sophisticated one. I was thinking an avocado or perhaps an artichoke. I've come a long way from a potato but that takes time doesn't it?

Brad I think the whole letting go thing is completely messed up. While we cannot keep the dead alive they are still who they are, spirits on the other side of life. When we die something of us remains and something of us exists somewhere else. I for one cannot accept an end to us when we die. It makes no sense that when we die that's it, lights out, nothing exists anymore. Then there is proof of a spirit world that is so powerfully documented and experienced by more than just myself that can leave no doubt. Having said all that I wonder what would be so wrong with holding on to Deedo or Kathy or anyone who was loved. We can stop living for them anytime. We can live our own life and we can choose to hold on to them regardless. I've done a little bit of reading but frankly I haven't much of a clue to what it's like on the other side but I can say that I have faith. I have faith in something unproven. I have faith that Kathy is with me sometimes. I'm living my life yet I'm holding her close. I wonder if that makes any sense. On another note you have experienced first hand what it's like to be left behind by others who have gone passed the grief they felt for Deedo. Rarely do people mention our loss or even bring them up. But our grief continues. As we are left behind among our friends and family in this grief's journey, we tend to feel a lot more alone huh? Grief is indeed a lonely journey traveled by the one who is left from a deep love affair. That love affair was the most intense the world had ever known. We however had it and that deserves holding on to. I wish I had your trails to walk. There are times when I want so much to be alone for it's easier to be alone by yourself than alone in a crowd. Only in my home can I find solitude but sometimes I need to just go somewhere else. I need to get out of this valley and away from humans. I did it last year in Maui on a trail that led to nowhere and nowhere was the place I could scream out her name and only she would hear me.