KATPILOT

Mary! I loved those drinks. The first time I ever saw or smelled a gardenia, it was at the first Traders in Scottsdale I think it was 1972. The first flower I ever gave Kathy was a Gardenia from my planter. I remember she was leaving that morning for Calgary and she took it with her to put in a vase when she got up there. She always remembered that time when infatuation ruled our hearts. Sweet memories.

When reading about turtles, I wanted to share this. I keep a pond in my yard that Kathy and I started twelve years ago. Among the Koi, we added two water turtles, exotic names I can't even remember. We lost one years ago when the heat got to it out of the water. We never saw the other one but once in a blue moon. Kathy always said he's like Big Foot, No one ever sees him but he exists just the same. Last year I saw him after three or more years. He was huge. Yet there he was sunning himself on the deck like it was his domain. I don't know his name and he will never ask mine but he is, and that is all that matters. He just came out to tell me Kathy was right. Turtles are cool. They live a quiet, solitary life, showing themselves ounce in a blue moon.

Deborah! How absolutely cool. A message indeed! Marty thanks for listing those resources. Sometimes we are so in a state of shock when newly grieving that we miss some obvious signs. How I miss those Mai Thais at Trader Vics with the gardenias in them. Stephen

Dan, you have it right about hospice caregivers. They are indeed saints. So are the grief counselors. If not for them, I wouldn't even be here. Kathy and I had it better than most. We only had four months from finding out that she had cancer until she was gone. Kathy had done the radiation and chemo and we had three weeks before the surgery believing we were going to beat it. It was only when we went up to Calgary to see her parents that she began to have trouble breathing. After the air ambulance ride to the Mayo hospital in Phoenix, I was told by her doctors that she would only live five days at best. They wanted to go with me to tell her. I just couldn't do that. I told her alone and I remember exactly what she said. "it is what it is" She never cried, she never asked "why me" , she just said she would reach me after she was gone. We moved her to a hospice home next door. She was the bravest soul I ever knew. I could never be that brave and it tears me up when I write this. Okay, got a hold of myself. I almost erased all of this but I think it says a lot of who we are and what we all are going through. And Mary, I don't think it ever really goes away. I went out to dinner with a client of mine who had lost her husband seventeen years ago. He was my customer also as I had been doing work for them since the late 70's. She knew Kathy and was saddened to hear the news. While we were talking, she gave me a lot of insight and at the end of the evening, she said "Steve, there will be sad times. They never go away. You just learn to accept it and you keep on going" She never became involved with anyone else because like me, she had perfection. What does inspire me however is that she enjoys her life. She travels and like me she goes out to dinner by herself. I like that when I see someone so far along on their grief journey who even though they still cry sometimes, they also smile when they think of the one who they love and loves them still. Hang in there everyone. It never was going to be an easy ride. But we are all here for each other. And in a way, we are counselors too. Stephen

Jan you are so right. Some people like my dad who I know had a deep love with my mother, get married again even though they still love their departed spouse. Even though my dad was married to my step mom for 28 years which is how long he had been married to my mom when he died, I found something very interesting in his will. He had made his will and trust with my step mom. He stated that he wanted "me" (though I have two siblings), to have his ashes to do with as I wish. Now when my mom passed thirty five years ago, she had asked me to spread her ashes over her favorite place in Arizona using my airplane. I know my dad wants me to do the same with him, he just didn't want to put it that way in the will he shared with my step mom. I will be doing so sometime this year. So I really understand some people getting married again and I would never judge anyone for doing what was right for them. I just want friends and relatives to stop telling me I need to move on and I will find someone else. Only ourselves do we know. I could never refer to Kathy as anyone other than my wife. One of my least favorite thing is filling out forms stating my marital status. Don't you just hate listing single when you know your not?

Good thoughts Mary! I think what you did with Bentely is fantastic. As we have gone through a lot in our path of grieving, I was reminded of my Hospice councelor who herself had lost her husband eight years earlier than I had and I remember her telling me how she finished her degree after her loss and she held up her diploma to show her husband what she had finally accomplished. We honor our loved ones by going forward. We also create purpose in our lives by helping others. I once read in a book back in the 80's by a therapist J Scott Peck who back then taught me that we are all therapists really. We teach what we learn and we should try to help when we can. That is why when a building burns, we run into the fire to save lives.......when a bomb goes off in Boston we rush to stop the bleeding. It's who we are. Human beings. Yet we are ouselves are so fragile. When we enter our own grief, others come to help. Use this help Chris and one day you can give it back. By the way, I also feel as married today as I was the moment she put that ring on my finger. When I talk to her still, I call her my wife. Kathy left still married to me. I will go out just as married to her. That's kind of cool I think. Stephen

Chris, When I was going through a similar time as you, I found that getting out of my house and just walking, briskly, helped me a lot. Granted it didn't last long before I would get anxious again but it helped . I started walking more frequently just for short times even in the middle of the night. I suppose I was running from the demons that I knew were close behind yet I felt I could escape for a bit. As time went on, I found tools to help me fight them though they never go away. Even last weekend I had a few bad days again and I am up now, just after 2 am. It always was going to be a tough time Chris. Just remember that you have a lot of support here and there is more where you live if you need it.

I just got back recently from a trip I took to Norfolk, Va. I went to my oldest grandaughters kindergarten graduation. My son had bought an airplane in San Diego and was taking it back to Norfolk so he picked me up and I rode with him. That was a special part of my trip. I remember when I flew him since he was a small boy and I remembered when I was only 8 and got to ride with my dad. When my grandmother died I was thirty and I flew my dad to Iowa for the funeral. I remember him sittting next to me and I think he had to have felt what I felt riding with my son. It had come full circle. It was a wonderfull two day trip that I will always treasure and seeing my grandaughters brought joy to my heart. Sometimes you just have to do something for yourself. I hope we all are taking time to do something for ourselves. It can help you forget even if just for a short while.

Kristen, Marty is right. Seek out and find the closest group to you, even if you have to travel a bit. I know that being here on this site has helped me so much but you need, , you have, to use all the tools available to you to survive. I did it myself and I found that being in a live group of people all sharing their loss made me feel better. I can't explain why but it just does. It also doesn't hurt to get real hugs from living caring souls. You belong to a very special club. It sadly isn't the one any of us wanted to join, but as kathy would have said, "it is what it is". By the way, when I reached the two month mark,, that was when I really came unglued. I think you might be there yourself.

Shannon,when you read this I hope you were able to sleep some. I wished this had not happened to you. Most of us get here after the loss. You made it here early but now you know a safe place to come where a lot of love lives. Leo is with you still and he will help you get through this battle you find yourself in.

Chris, I know what you feel when that happens. I know there is not much I can say to help. I go through it as well. Perhaps now that it has been two years and four months later, I find it doesn't make me come unglued as often when I see her face. maybe because I have the best picture I ever took of her as my screen saver (which by the way is my profile pic) I took it one year before she left on her 50th birthday when I took her to Hawaii. That was her favorite place on earth and she was the happiest she could ever be on that day. Now I see her every day and I smile more than I cry. I wish I could say it gets better because I still come apart at the strangest of times. Like being in the grocery store shopping alone. We did that a lot together and it just takes one song to set me off. I drive with dark tinted windows for a reason. There is one special picture that I keep of her on the fridge. I took it on the day we were married and I put a quote under it that I found in Hospice material I had read. It says simply: "you came we loved you left" I will survive untill I survive and one day I will be alive again

Maria, What a wonderfull idea you had and the site is a beautifull one which I am sure will help many with the fear of loosing the memory and essence of one's we love and crossed over far too soon. You are not alone with the benefit of therapy writing things down brings. I am so sorry that you had to have lost a child so young. One day soon I hope I can make an entry since Kathy left way before her time. Stephen

This topic hits so close to my heart. It is quite hard to deal with grief when others around you grieve at different levels and different intensities over the same person. But you loved your husband or wife so far deeper than anyone around you can understand and they loved you more than any other living soul as well. I received a handbook in the mail from Hospice soon after Kathy died and I went on to buy several copies for family who I thought might get comfort from it. I think I was the only one to read it. (many times). I remember when I had to tell her dad that she was gone. I never heard him cry before. Her sister went on a golf trip and I never saw her sad even to this day. Hey, it's the person.........they were both adopted. My sister knew what I was going through and called me often to make sure I was okay or at least to offer her shoulder. My brother once told me when I was talking about Kathy and how I missed her (this was in my own house by the way). He said "yeah I know, you already told us. Funny, I don't talk to him anymore..... One day when I got home from work, Kathy said "I want you to watch this, I recorded it from Oprah today" It was about how negative people bring you down and you need, you must, get away from them. The negative energy will just hurt you. I think it helps to try and be around the people worth being around. I do this and it helps although sometimes I run into "There is this lady you just have to meet" Oh Lord!

Kristen, Indeed Mary is right. We would never judge each other. There is not a soul here who doesn't know what love is. We wouldn't be sharing our grief if we didn't. In a group environment we feel better just listening to others who are sad because we relate. I too hope you come back and read the responses. What you have gone through and are experiencing is horrific at best. Keep seeking help and use every tool available to you. We are thinking of you.

Jan, Here is a hug for you! It is such a mix of emotions right now. Today is a sad time indeed. I have a grand son who is now one and came a year after Kathy left. It feels like happy sad. If it wasn't for the grandchildren in my life, there would be many more sad days than happy. We all will be thinking about you on this day. Stephen

Wow! How nice it is to hear all of you that are doing something. You are so right Nats, she is happy you are doing that. Anne,I was reminded about my dad who passed on last year. He was also a bomber pilot in WWII, and as a small child I remember how he taught me to fly his plane. The first landing I made was when I was ten. My mom in the backseat had a fit but he was gonna let me do it. I think we bounced four times. I owe so much to him. . and Mary it is so nice to see you getting into water color. It has to be just about the toughest medium to work in. I graduated with an art degree myself but always had trouble with that one. As Kathy and I started spending summers in Calgary, I bought water colors, paper and the brushes and intended to conquer it. We just never had the chance. One day I will try again. Stephen

Since I have now passed the two year mark, I have come to realize as I listen to what others say and feel, that I relate so much to what grief feels like in the beginning. Maybe it will do some good to have this thread up because for those who are new to grief, you are most likely not thinking much about yourselves. You may even like me wish you could die. I was talking to a friend of Kathy's who actually was my friend from years ago but they became close and had a lot of good times together. Her name is Ginger and she told me when I was at my lowest, "If you want to die, you will. Your body will develope a disease and your wishes will come true" That was the day I stopped wanting to die and thought about how I could survive grief and keep on living. The one thing I didn't think about was taking care of myself. It wasn't just my son's or my grandchildren that made me want to live. It was what I knew Kathy would be saying to me. As a pilot, I was taught and always think about this basic truth. Always fly the airplane first. Then deal with the problem at hand. Doing something for yourself once in a while helps. I think they would be happy we did. This week I rented a violin. I have never played one but I want to. I am taking lessons and it is totally new to me. This I did just for me. I felt good inside just driving home.

babbent, Maybe it's just okay if you cry. I doubt anyone and especially your children would be upset with that. It passes and you get on with the gathering. You even get to enjoy the warmth of family knowing that they loved your mom too. I am going through a lot of that as well. My MIL died on mothers day last year just a year after Kathy died. I felt the loss so strongly because she was a connection to my own loss and she was always so nice to me. Like so many holidays such as fathers day which I will endure as my dad died a year ago, I will still spend the time with my own children and I know they will understand if I get sad also. We will hold them in our hearts and always remember that life is a circle and one day our children will miss us too. I know it is hard to face it, but I hope the best for you.

c90709, There is one thing that I have learned going through this sad journey and that is that decisions rarely need to be made quickly. I felt the urge to act on things right away and sadly, some of them turned out wrong later on down the road. Emotions can cloud judgement and grief is the most intense emotion I have ever experienced. I know that when I entered grief counselling, I learned that. When I lost kathy, we had just moved into a second home in Calgary as her parents lived there and we needed to be up a lot to help them. Kathy went so suddenly that I didn't know how to deal with that house. I ended up giving it to her sister and all of the contents because it wasn't mine. We didn't use my money so I didn't care. Later I realized how much of Kathy I lost up there. I didn't think that what was mine was hers and what was hers was mine. I would have wanted Kathy to have what was bought with my money if I had been the one to pass and I am sure that she would have felt the same. The point I am trying to make is how bad decisions can be made when you are emotionally compromised. I hope the best for both of you. I watched Kathy's parents trying to deal with her loss and I felt their pain inside my own soul. It is never easy Stephen

I was compelled to post on this thread because it mentioned "finned". I put in a koi pond when we first moved into our home fifteen years ago. Our backyard became such a pleasant place as we added plants and fish to it. A lady gave us bullfrog tadpoles which we enjoyed watching develop until they became frogs and added a turtle as well. The balance was one of beauty and serenity which attracted birds of all kinds, dragon flies and the sort. It was a few years back when we started to spend summers in Canada being with Kathy's sick mom and helping, that we realized we could not keep the pond up and had to give up the koi. We lost our dog Mindy about then as well but we had each other and knew that after her parents passed, we would be free to travel and enjoy our lives away from home. Sadly that just didn't work out and I was left with no pets but a beautifull back yard. I know I can never have another dog. Mindy was so special and as she never was around other dogs, she could never deal with another animal in our house. Since Kathy wanted to be combined with Mindy, and I will one day be in the mix as well, I just can't deal with a dog I would become attached to. I know it sounds silly but it is the way it is. I also have to work long days and it would not be fair to have the poor dog alone all of the time. I also want to travel and see things Kathy and I always planned on. Having said that, I am brought back to the realization that the pond is still there. I need to put fish back into it. They always bring peace to me. I can watch them for hours. If I go away, for short trips, they are fine. (automatic feeder). They just don't cuddle real well. This thread gave me the idea.

Thanks for the 60 minutes link Marty. Whenever I see a dog working, even for the blind, I look at them with love and respect. (and their handelers too.) We live in such a different world now. Isn't it funny how the most simple basic life form as a dog can do more sometimes than technology itself to keep us safe?

Marty! That was a great video. Thank you for posting it. I wish we had known about grief support for pet loss when Mindy died. Mindy was a Shitzu who was Kathy's baby when I met her. She never had children of her own so MIndy was that to her. When Mindy died it was devastaing to both of us but it tore Kathy's heart apart. We were a pac. Kathy was the Alpha cause she fed us. Mindy had experienced abuse when she was a puppy and cowered when any male came around. That changed when I came into her life. I am indeed an animal person. I became dad. When I was in an accident twelve years ago, I had severe damaged to both of my legs so I spent a lot of time recovering with Mindy always on the bed next to my head. She knew dad was sick. she helped me get through it. I got to enjoy being with her for twelve years but when she died, it tore me up. I remember when we were at the vet hospital trying to save her. She was accidentally fried at the groomers when they left her in the drier cage and forgot. She lasted two months but when we were first there late at night, while in the waiting room, a young girl was being told that her dog needed an expensive operation that she could not afford. We were both so upset about Mindy at the time, that we didn't think very clearly. Months later, Kathy said, " You know, we could have helped that girl" She said that we should start a fund called Mindy's Money, and help people like that. After Kathy died, I did just that. I went to the court and got the name, and opened an account. I have helped two pets so far and hopefully can do more money permitting. I think Kathy likes that I did it. I was also thinking about the all of the dogs who help police and bomb squads here and even in the Middle East, I was expecting that the police officer in the video was going to talk about such a dog he might have lost. If you ever look up on the internet under police dogs of 911, you won't be able to hold back the tears. The photographs of those dogs trying to help makes us realize what unconditional love really means. It's funny but when they had the Boston suspect cornered in that boat, all I was thinking about was that a dog was going to be sent in and maybe killed. People can hate...but a dog always loves you. By the way, when Kathy died she asked me to combine her ashes with Mindy so I have both girls with me still. Kathy also wants to be in Kawaii so when I am gone I'll be with them both in the place Kathy loved the most.

Anne! I can certainly relate to the trauma you have experienced with that mug breaking. The meltdown was quite understandable. I know. It happened to me as well. In the end, you have to realize that it's just stuff. I don't want to loose her things, I need to touch them. To keep them safe. For the first year, I couldn't even move a piece of furniture. As time goes by, you just can't avoid the loss. Things wear out. Other people will break them. Even the bed sheets wear out, albeit your side of the bed. I remember when a pillow case tore while I was making the bed. I was forced eventually to replace them. She slept with me on those sheets so I had a bit of sorrow in doing it. What got me through was the fact that I knew she was with me when I picked out new ones. I made a color change and when I made the bed up, I looked at it and thought "did I do good Hun?" As time goes by, if you live long enough, a lot of things will change. Maybe it is rather a nice thing that you get to pick out new things. Maybe they are with us when we do it. Always remember that your taste in things grew to be a combination of your and his. Stephen

Hello everyone! I wanted to say that dreams are indeed connected to the spiritual thing. I truly believe that we can be reached while sleeping. It just is hard to know it at the time it is happening. I have seen a medium here in the valley and though I understand that many do not believe in this but for what it is worth, I have been told that Kathy is with me while I am sleeping. Just to ad this, I did not believe in people who could communicate with the afterlife but so many strange electrical things were happening in my house, I had to explore it. I had met some people who had lost their son as we all seem to migrate to each other, and the wife had said that they had gone to a medium. The husband told me that he did not believe in it but she wanted to go. While they were in the meeting, the medium told him something that only he knew. I can't say very much because it is private for them but I kept thinking about it for months till I asked them for the mediums name and got an appointment. You might guess that indeed I was told things no one knew but Kathy and I. The point is, that I truly believe that they can reach us. One has to listen very carefully, and just as you are waking up when sleep is at the lightest, it happens. I have read that we dream when at the lightest phase of sleep.

Kay I am so sorry that happened to you. It truly does make you feel violated. I use Kathy's email more than my own and I need to have letters from me appear from her name when I write people who care about me and loved her. I can tell you that if that happened to me, I would start a new account slightly different. It is sad that we live in such a vulnerable place. Stephen