KATPILOT

Yes Mary a sad day here in Arizona. I feel for all those family members and wives who are just arriving at grief's door.

Mary, How you amaze us all. You can articulate our feelings with your words and we are deeply bonded by all of the truths you show. This is what keeps us all family. Perhaps together we may find the strength to survive. To go on one more day crossing the bridge that I think may only end when we do. Thank you.

Mary, I so relate to your feelings about your little home. They will have to carry me out of here one day. It doesn't seem so little now that I live alone, but the love that lives here can barely be contained within it's walls. I just wanted to relay how much this site benefits from your experience in counseling. You help so many of us with your words Please do not fear leaving your sadness here. Hope sleep comes to you tonight, Stephen

Chris, I hope you can at least find a quite time to sit and reflect. You truly need the peace. It is inconceivable that Paula would want you live in anguish and guilt. It might be of interest to listen to my story. I know that Kathy is with me. She lets me know that in no uncertain terms. Yet she leaves me sometimes. After each of her parents died, she was gone for as much as two months. I knew she was with them. Sometimes they have things to do on the other side. We can hardly know what it's truly like. But Kathy still lets me know. I would be just as much in love with her even if she never came back and that is a real possibility..............It doesn't matter, because when I do go, I will find her. Even if it takes eternity, I will find her. For now, I will honor her and live what time I have left enjoying life and perhaps she can enjoy it with me. Perhaps when I go out to dinner and order her favorite wine, she is enjoying it with me. Kind of a pleasant thought don't you think? One thing I am certain of and that is she would never want me to be so devastated that she had to leave. I can't believe Paula would like to see you being there either. Maybe looking at life through her eyes, you can find comfort being at peace within your own daily functions. You are not dishonoring her. You are taking care of the person she loves. Stephen

Marty, what a find. This video left me with such a warm feeling inside. I think Kathy enjoyed watching it with me. She always had a love for people no matter what their nationality, religion, or color . It reminds me how we are all just people. When you leave governments behind and just see people for who they are, well it just reaffirms for me how each day is a gift, full of love and happiness. I forget that sometimes. Nice to be reminded.

Vickev, First and most importantly, you have come to the right place to share your feelings. I so understand what it is like to be with friends and relatives who felt I was holding on and not moving forward as they had. My sister in law even would try and keep me from staying at Kathy's parents house when I would go up to Canada and visit. She said I just brought them down and was a constant reminder of the pain of loosing their daughter. People move on at different rates as their connection to the person who has died becomes more removed. No one will or can feel what you are feeling. While this is not very comforting, you can come here to share your pain. We all understand only too well. This weekend has been a tough one for me because I am not going in to work and it is just so hot outside. I never left my house. So it creeps out and gets me still. I cried a lot yesterday and it's almost been two and a half years. Life is just difficult sometimes. I went to dinner last weekend with a friend who had lost her husband seventeen years ago. She, like me, and like you as well, found the perfect love late in life. But we all knew it was perfect, Like her, I will never marry again, I know this about myself. She still has moments when she will cry but she keeps on living. She finds purpose because she knows her husband would not want her to give up. We honor them by living on and perhaps one day doing something important to help others. We both like you wished God would just take us and end the pain. I even wanted so badly to die because I wanted to be with her. That will slowly go away even if the pain seems not to. It truly helps to give some distance to those who can't understand your pain. It also helps to talk to a counselor as I know it helped me a lot. Grief counselors understand what you are going through. You will also find a lot of support ideas here. I urge you to read threads posted here and I think you will find some resources that can help. Hang in there, you are among friends, Stephen

Indeed! One thing that really gets me is when I am driving down the road in this kind of heat and see people walking their dog. I have to go back and let them know what is happening. If they took off their shoes and walked with the dog, it might impress them. Enjoy your day Mary. I am going to dig out a jigsaw puzzle and spend the weekend clearing my mind. kathy and I did that a lot on those hot summer weekends. This will be the first time on my own. I think I will put on our music and enjoy it.

I was just thinking about the rain you have had so much of. It's nice that Bentley can go for a walk again. Today here it will be 119 and sunny. I think personally that when it gets this hot, your brain fries. I think it was in 1992 this month that we did 122 in Phoenix. Not so bad now I guess! At least if the tires on my car haven't sunk into the asphalt I can go home after work. Stephen

Thats funny Mary, Yes we often don't miss something till it's gone. Good luck today if just avoiding needless anxiety. Remeber, never borrow trouble. S

I understand that Mary, It does get better but we sure wish things could remain the same as they were that terrible day. I began to realize how everything wears out. I don't want to loose those furnishings because Kathy was so good at decorating. Visitors still remark about how beautifull my home is. Even my clothes which are slowly wearing out, cannot last forever. I just have to come to grips with the fact that all of it is still "just stuff". Sometimes we just want to hold on to the past. It felt like if I could just keep things exactly the same, she would still be there........... and then you get up and start another day. Stephen

Anne, I wanted to share something with you. I have been taking care of my step mom since my dad passed away almost two years ago. She has been living with congestive heart failure and at Christmas three months after Dad left, We had to put her in the hosptal here in Scottsdale. At that time, I was given a bad prognosis that she had a very short time to live. She was 92 at the time. With her assisted care home, we had hospice help in making her as comfortable as she could be. It is now a year and a half later, she is walking her dog at 94 and I was just informed by hospice that they cannot remain caring for her any longer. She is just to gosh darn healthy. I still take her to dinner at her favorite restuarant in Payson and she eats more than I can. just sayin.

Mary, You are such a good person to help. Thank you for the update and my best thoughts and prayers go to Anne and Shannon for what has to be such a difficult time. It is so hard to go through the loss of the love of your life without having to struggle with your own health. I am so lucky that I have but one trauma to endure. I love the thought of Bentley jumping on your bed during the storm. It brings back memories of Mindy jumping on top of my head when thunder would strike. It was like "dad save me". I so miss her too. Our dogs can be there to comfort us but sometimes they need it as well. Stephen

Shannon, My prayers and best thoughts go with you today. Have faith and know Leo is with you every step of the way. Stephen

Mary I know what you mean when you speak of feeling vulnerable. I've been living alone now for a bit longer and I look back sometimes and see how I have evolved. That person before and the one after are what I understand so very well. I think it took almost two years though it seems like weeks that I began to emerge as the "now" me. I am that soul who has adapted to the reality that Kathy is never going to be here as she was before. I so very slowly came to understand that I had to get busy living, or get busy dying. You have to make that decision eventually. This new way of living demands it. You can't wake up every day with no direction. It will wear you down to your very core. So instead of dying, I stated living. The now me began to embrace itself. I am now her and me. I live to honor her and to do good till I join her. I had nothing better to do anyway right? So I will draw from her strength. I will learn from her actions. I just know there is more I can offer. More I can do to help others. I hate the lonely part but I keep faith that I will join her one day. I hope one day that peace will find you and all of us who are going through the roughest of times. It's not the light at the end of the tunnel, but those little lights that light our path every step we take. Stephen

Heaven, afterlife? whatever is on the otherside of where we are, it is just different> It is not the same as here, the bodies we occupied stayed behind. It's just different and I suppose we have to wait till we get there to know if it is better. I'd like to hope it is. One thing I am very sure of is that we WILL be with them again. perhaps that is when it becomes heaven. Last night I had a surreal moment big time. I thought I was already dead. I woke up in the middle of the night and I really had to orient myself to where I was and what I was. The house seemed different. I walked around till the feeling subsided. I wonder sometimes if we don't get a glimpse of where they are. It left me in a strange way. I never could get back to sleep. Things like that never frighten me. I just know it is her way of reaching me. It's funny what you said about George KayC, I mean about being home in the clouds. Clouds are such a big thing for me. Ever since I started flying, I guess it was about 1968 when I got my instrument rating and have been flying in the clouds ever since. Just before I penetrate a cloud, I get so excited. and then Boom! your in. If I never had to come out again, yeah, that would be heaven for me. I just love clouds. I bet there were times in your home when the clouds were so low that you felt like you were in a very thick fog. That's what it's like. Kind of like when heaven comes to you.

I am now in my 28th month and I wanted to share this with those of you that find yourselves members of this terrible club non of us ever wanted to join. When Kathy left me, I found her IPOD about a month later. She always took it on her daily walks and now it is with me often. Especially when I travel. This one song speaks about how many of us feel and I sure can relate. It is by Dido and the title is "Here with me" I didn't hear you leave I wonder how am I still here and I don't want to move a thing it might change my memory Oh I am what I am I do what I want but I can't hide I wont go I wont sleep I can't breathe until your resting here with me I wont leave I can't hide I cannot be until your resting here with me Don't want to call my friends They might wake me from this dream I can't leave this place risk forgetting all that's been I think it's okay to feel this way. One day you will find a way to breathe once again.

Roller coater Chris......................., today is a bottom. That's just the reality of it. I know you hate it. Anger is quite natural so let it out. I spent a lot of time on the floor when I was where you are now. I didn't have this place to come to yet but I do know this, without a doubt, you will get through the worst of times and yes it will cost you. I'm not the same man I was before Kathy left. I never will be. This is the new me. This is the new normal. You can never have that back again...........but you can be you again, just different. Paula would want you to. Keep this in mind. You may be still here for a reason. There may be something you're supposed to do yet in this life. Maybe it is to honor her. She is still with you and you know it. You just can't see her or touch her, or even smell her but I believe you will be united again one day. Always remember....You wouldn't hurt like this if you didn't love her this much. That damn well says a lot. Stephen

I wish we could trade homes for just a little while. I remeber with fondness something called rain. Haven't seen it in a long long while. Glad everyone is safe

Shannon! All of our good thoughts will be with you in the morning

Mary, It was nice to see the photographs of your "love". I am sorry it was so painful to spend that day. No easy way to do it. It's nice to see him ,,,and you. Thanks for sharing them. Stephen

You are so right about that KayC. I believe those that haven't experienced the loss of their husband or wife could never understand what we all are going through. It's really not their fault though Shannon. Some of them actually think they are helping and some just can't find the right thing to say. It's interesting how many grief counselors are widowed themselves. That is why you can find comfort here. We have all had our hearts ripped out. This is what we look like trying to put them back in again. I swear, if I had a dollar for every time I heard she was in heaven now.................................... They just could never understand that heaven was here. With the two of us. They just don't understand. Eventually hearing that will just roll off your shoulders. You are not crazy Shannon. Maybe you are sensitive. How else could you be after having this happen? I remember how disturbing it was to me to have anything changed in this house. It was all sacred. I just thought of something interesting......if heaven was here with Kathy, did I get kicked out? Hmmmmm, it sure feels like hell right now.

Thank you for sharing those pictures with us Shannon. I know how hard it must be and so soon for you. I'm glad you found this site as early as you have. It took a while before I did and it helps me more than I could ever express to be among the good souls on board.. I have a time of it still when I look at pictures of Kathy. I came across a memory card with the pictures I took of her in the air ambulance coming back to Phoenix a week before she died. The smile on her face haunts me still. I spent two months in that fog before I sought help. I still today wake up thinking how it's just another day without her. Some things you just don't get over. But as Mary and Fae have said, you have friends here and a safe place to come.

I thought I would ad to this thread because it is about transformations on the path of grieving. Last night I had my son and his family over for dinner. The four grandchildren are a handful so I can spend all day today cleaning up. I remember early in my loss, how loosing something like dropping a favorite coffee cup of Kathy's or having my sisters dog chew up a special pair of her glasses would send me into trauma. Now it is more than two years and one of the triplets broke a piece of "Blue Mountain Pottery" that Kathy had collected. (long ago discontinued) We actually found this one in an antique store in Alberta. My reaction was so different now. It's not Kathy, it's just stuff. That's what I mean by transformation.......I don't feel the same way now. I think it's a good thing., I must go to the Chicago Art Institute someday Anne. I have wanted to see Chicago and it is on my list of trips to make. I love art. I have been making my living at it for 41 years and I guess I will be at it for quite sometime. Fae, I just wanted to say that when I was in Helena last summer, (I just landed for fuel before going into Canada), I saw this old Lockheed Constellation aircraft sitting in the middle of the field. It was an old military early warning radar plane that was just sitting there rotting away. It was one of the most beautiful sights. It was sculpture. I love old things. I took pictures of it to do a, water color someday. (if I ever find time to get back to that again) If you are ever at the airport, look at it and tell me if it doesn't have a quiet beauty to it. There is something about it's curved lines that make it so different from most airplanes. This picture by the way is of my puddle jumper with a flying model of a WWII Lancaster bomber that lives in a museum in Alberta. Kathy's dad was a contributor of the restoration of it so my son and I built it for the museum before Kathy's parents died. I took it up there and donated it to the museum in her parents name. The only difference between the model and the real bomber is that on the nose I painted Kathy's name. I think her parents liked that

Nice to see the picture Chris. I hope it makes you feel happy to have it up. Well done!

Chris, I just wanted to let you know as others here would also testify, that what you are experiencing is real. I wondered also if I was just wanting it so bad that I was doing it myself and just going insane. Then it started happening while members of my family and some close friends as well were in my home. I began to believe it, It was easy for me to believe it though and I will tell you why. Many years ago my youngest son who lived down the street from me had just become engaged to a Japanese girl. She went home to show her family her ring but while she was there she died suddenly of a heart condition that she had. The night it happened, Kathy and I were in bed asleep when we heard the door from our kitchen to the garage slam shut. It is a distinctive sound that left no doubt about what it was. I got up with a start and went into the kitchen very frightened actually that someone had entered our home. I found nothing but we had a hard time falling back to sleep. Two hours later the front door bell was ringing repeatedly and I got up again to find my son on the ground crying telling me that she had died. Later, Kathy and I looked at each other and we both knew what it was that made the door sound. Years later Kathy lost her Grandma who she was very close to. After she passed, Kathy would feel her presence on our back patio often. She and her Grandma would talk out there when she would visit and Kathy knew it was her. During Kathy's treatment for her cancer, we were in bed one night getting ready to sleep when the hall light outside our bedroom turned on. It was very disturbing to me and once again I thought someone was in the house. Kathy said to me " it's okay, it's just Grandma. I think she is saying everything is going to be okay" Well, it wasn't okay. Kathy died a month later. In her room at the hospice home where she was at the end, Kathy said to me this. She said she would reach me if she possibly could. The night she died, I had to go home since I was staying in her room and they were going to take her away. It was one in the morning, I was lost, she went to the funeral home, and I went to a house I hadn't seen much in days. I stayed up all night of course till I was to go and make arrangements. The light in the hall turned itself on while I was standing there. I guess she found the way. Oh yes, they have a way with electricity. I think they find the low voltage systems the easiest to manipulate. The hall light by the way, is on a twelve volt transformer as many door bell are as well. They can also manipulate things and us as well. A year ago, I kept waking up at exactly 4:01. I had a cable box with the time on it that I could see from where I slept. By the eighth day in a row, I knew something was up. I researched a lot about that number and one day I found out about a movie based on a true incident called "The Ghost of flight 401" If you look it up, you can understand why I had to order this movie. It was only made for television. It was postulated that the ghost in the story was hanging around because there was a need to warn people of danger. The people who knew him and saw him did get together and let him know that he could go. That everyone would be okay. I thought, that was what she was trying to tell me. I felt so selfish that I was making her stay because my sorrow was so intense and I needed her so badly. I did tell her it was okay, that she could go, that I would be alright and I would find her one day. She is still here. it is her choice. When both of her parents died the night before each one passed, several electrical things went off. I knew what was happening. I even booked a flight to Calgary the night her dad went. Even before her sister called in the morning to give me the news. I wanted to say that years ago if someone was telling me this story I would believe them a liar. I never was sure about life after death. Today, I am a believer. Do they contact us. Oh yes. As Marty points out, and you can do, a lot of reading, there is communication with the other side. It can be hard to see sometimes and even close to invisible, but they are there just the same. I just want to ad one more thing. I never shared these events with Kathy's dad, because he was older and I thought he would think me mad but after my mother in law died, I went up to be there and help him if I could. He told me on the morning of the funeral that strange things seemed to be happening in his house. He was awakened by lights coming on. I just smiled and said "David, it's okay, they just do that" I am so glad that all three of them are together now. Stephen