KATPILOT

Mary, I wonder sometimes if I feel better when the tears come. I do know that I accept it now as who I am and it is part of my life. Sometimes at night when something gets me, maybe a movie or a news story, (it doesn't take much) I then fall asleep soon after totally exhausted. Kathy and I used to enjoy watching a funny segment on late night TV so we could go to bed after a laugh. That just doesn't work for me any longer. But a release it is. That is why I will always live alone. I like the privacy to live in the sorrow at the moment it happens. I feel safe that way., especially after working all day trying to hold it in. Nice to see your face on your profile. Stephen

Melina, I know it hits every so often. Sad and exhausting indeed. Having this happening to me, reminds me how all of us have to endure such anguish. I know now after spending two anniversaries without her, that I can see them coming and fear what I will feel. I will be thinking of you next week and hope you can find some time to feel happiness as well. Stephen

Chris, Don't worry about the computer stuff. I am as far from understanding that stuff as anyone could be. After I learned how, I could do it easily enough. Can you get your son to help? That's what I do. We all would love to see Paula. Mary that picture is so heartwarming. I love it. Happy anniversary. I will be thinking of you and hope you have some joy in the day. Stephen

Just thinking about my dad today. Not sure what I will do but I will toast to him and think about how he and my mom are celebrating. Two years ago on the last birthday we spent with him, he had all three of his children with him and we went to one of his favorite restuarants. I baked him a cake that was in the shape of a WWII bomber that he flew in the war. It was my first cake but he loved it. I woke up this morning and I realized I wasn't sad at all. Perhaps he put a happy thought in my mind while I slept. We all deserve a little happy once and again. Enjoy the day!

Chris, I can so relate to the picking up to call your dad and then remembering..... I had a tendency to do the same as he lived 4 hours away and I would call him pretty often. He died a year and a half ago and I still feel sad when I know I will never hear his voice again. With Kathy I have an advantage. I can call my house anytime and I do when I am on a trip. I listen to her voice on the machine and I feel warm inside. never sad. I kept it on even though it has been a while because her dad would call my house when he knew I wasn't at home, just to hear his little girls voice. He's gone now but I keep it on still and maybe when a friend might call to tell me about a lady they want me to meet, they can get the picture. Fae has it right, it gets easier if not easy. Every month you might notice that you cry a little less. It doesn't mean your love is going away, it just means you are learning to accept the sorrow in your daily life. I don't wake up any longer with my eye glued to the pillow case but I love her every bit as much, maybe even more. I can say that because once she wasn't here any longer, I started to discover things about her that I didn't realize before. Like when I found every card I ever gave her from our early days through the end hidden in a drawer in her night stand. Or the recipe I found looking to make something that I loved of hers only to find the writing on it saying "cook ten minutes longer, Steve likes it that way". Oh yeah, many things like that await you. They may be a little sad, but very, very, sweet. Stephen

Very glad to hear Shannon. Just rest now

Wow, thanks all of you. I just wanted to let you know that when asked by the judge if anyone had any reason that might affect there ability to be on the jury not involving this case, raise your hands. I did. In the end however by 12:30 the parties agreed on a plea deal so all of us were dismissed with no jury selected. I now have two years before it can come up again and by then I believe I will have no doubts. I thank you for the kind words. It does bring to mind however how many other situations all of us in grieving come up against. This may be a smart thread to discuss that. I hope others will share experiences that become more difficult to handle when we are vulnerable to emotion and could come unglued. Sharing how we handle them would help a lot. Thanks, Stephen

I suppose I am not sure where to post this so I am starting a new thread. getting to know Kathy, I recognized what great values of judgement she had which over the years I began to learn to be the same. I used to be quite judgemental and tended to believe what was first told to me. Kathy on the other hand always listened first and then questioned what other factors might be involved. She would say "does that really sound logical?" when hearing a news story. She wondered what else might be going on. (the untold story). She listened, read, and learned all she could before believing something to be true. I always thought she would have been a great juror. Sadly, she only became a US citizen the year before she died, so she never experienced it. Now I am faced with being on a jury. It would be my first time if I were to be selected. I wanted to do it because I felt I had learned from her to listen carefully and not rush to judgement. The trouble is I am not sure if I am emotionally compromised. I still am so sad many days. I still keep thinking about it several times a day while I am working. I postponed my summons before because I just couldn't deal with it, but there is no excuse for grieving on the form they send. So I am going to report this morning and I know I will be honest. I have to let them know somehow that I am still going through a very sad time. I'm not under a doctors care nor taking medication but I just don't know. We find ourselves sometimes facing situations that a grieving person may or may not be able to do. This is the first one for me. I voted okay, I travel well, I do so many things non grievers do, but this.........can effect someone elses life. I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now and asked advice from friends. I believe it should be the courts decision whether I should be there or not. Personally, If I were an attorney, I wouldn't pick me. Stephen

Very sweet indeed Mary, Thank you. Sometimes when I wake in the middle of the night, I come here................... and then I get to read this. A nice way to start my day.

All in all, I have learned to accept the way others react to me. They can never understand what I am feeling but maybe they are just doing the best they can even if they unkowingly hurt us. I doubt they could ever understand how it sounds to a grieving person unless they too join this club. Thanks Anne for listing those sites. Even though I have been at this longer , they still help me find peace. Chris, you seem so angry with yourself. I feel the anguish. I've felt the anguish. So many different emotions are waiting. I hope you can find a way to give yourself some time. Time to cry, time to grieve, time to heal wounds so deep. Try to remember that bad things happen to good people. So many people here have died a thousand deaths. This is just what it looks and feels like for the ones left behind. You can let it out here. No one will ever judge you for it. Stephen

I suppose I'm lucky because a cemetary is a hard place for me to go. I like having Kathy in the house with me. You know KaC, It is nice that he is under the tree and that you can look out and just know he is there. I think if you ever have to leave there, take some of the earth from that area with you. His essence is all around. You do know of course that he will follow you wherever you go....... New Start, I hope you find a little peace today. Only in time can you see yourself become stronger.

nice, really nice!

fae The way you describe your grief journey is so moving and even inspirational. I am learning so much from your words. As KayC says, you are so brave. I remember going up to close out a home Kathy and I had built in Alberta but for me it was agonizing and so painful that I know now I will never return. I can live here in our home but everywhere I would go up there it would effect me so much. I am not sure if it was because that was where she was born and spent her younger life before I knew her or perhaps something else. With both of her parents now gone as well, it seems so empty. I feel I don't belong there. Just saying. You are right about this tribe. A safe place indeed. A warm place, filled with caring souls When you come in and close the door, all those that would harm you cannot get in. Stephen

Lina, You can be sure that he is okay waiting. Time just has to be different on the other side. I get so many messages from Kathy that leads me to understand that she comes and goes and can be in a number of places almost anywhere at any time. We can also be pretty sure that they don't feel the same as we do with human flesh that is weighed down by gravity. I can understand your journey so far as I too wished for death at first if nothing else but to catch up with her before she got to far away. I also could have never done that to my two sons. I understand that you had not been together for a long time and Kathy and I were only together for 15 years but perhaps like me you knew that you had finally found the true love. It doesn't matter how long......it matters how deep. It seems so sad when you do meet that one person who was so perfect and then they leave so soon. For now, do come and talk. It helps the soul to share with others even if you are feeling stronger. There may be times when it grief comes hard. I am over two years now and I still find great comfort here. One thing I wanted to ad was that for me there never was any anger. Sorrow was the only thing I could recognize. At first, and even still, when I see couples holding hands and just being in love I actually fear for them that one might die and the other be like me. They look so vulnerable yet so unaware.. The truth is though, you cannot truly love without risking loss. Stephen

Kay, I realize reading this what an emotional time this must be for you. I don't doubt at all that he received the messages and sending them back to you was his way of responding. That was truly a sweet story. Thanks for sharing that. You know, after Kathy was gone I learned to bake. It was a way of honoring her because she was a terriefic cook and if I ever wanted to taste them again I was just going to have to learn. I may have to plan for days, and set out all the bowls and ingridients the night before but when I follow the recipies exactly, it works out. I know she is with me when I do this. Trouble is all the weight I have gained during the last year. So to you Kay and Sun Shine, may you have some peace on Sunday. And here's to all the dads looking down from above

New Start, There just is no easy way to deal with this Sunday. I understand the feeling of realizing that you will never talk with him again or doing any of those things you remember. I lost my dad and this will be the second fathers day without him. Since my wife died a year before he did, I was too overwhelmed with grief of her passing that it didn't really hit me till this year. . Even though we miss them it sometimes helps to remember the circle of life. We come, we live, we leave. I think of my two sons and wonder what it will be like for them. I know it sounds strange but then I wonder what it will be like for their children. Maybe by honoring their memories, we can find a little peace in our hearts for them. My dad was my biggest fan and now this Sunday I realize that I will be thinking of him far more than for myself. I suppose I am just now starting to feel the pain of his leaving. I also will remember my father in law who not only lost his daughter two years ago but lost his wife last mothers day. I spent fathers day last year with him so he would not be alone. He died in October and I just remember how kind he was to me. Anyway, as they say life goes on. Even if at times it does hold a lot of sorrow. I hope Sunday turns out to be not as hard as you fear and that you can maybe find some peace knowing he still exists inside you. Stephen

Wow KayC, a tough month indeed. I remember sharing fathers day with Kathy's dad last year up in Alberta. I didn't have my dad that year so I didn't want him to be alone. I do cherish that visit because he passed away in October. Now he is with Kathy and her mom. They all went within a year and a half. Sad perhaps but I think they went to Hawaii together just recently. I send you my best thoughts for the day ahead of you. Stephen.

I guess I made it kind of confusing but my dad's birthday is actually on June 21, the longest day of the year. Thanks for thinking of me. I took this picture during the last "Light Up A Life" celebration. I still take care of my 94 year young step mom.

Just the fact that I even wanted to give help to anyone tells me I am not where I started. I've taken so many baby steps in the last two years I guess I finally reached the next room. This is the part where I have to be very careful not to start suggesting action or direction. I will always remember "should". And you are right Mary. Every story we read helps some if only in a small way. There have been many times your posts have given comfort to me. Reading many threads here has helped me back to sleep some nights. Funny club we find ourselves in. I chose to go through this experience when it first was shoved in my face. Perhaps because I was no stranger to therapy and learned long ago that you use the tools available to you. But I never thought the path would be so long and maybe never ending. I miss her like it was yesterday. I think many of us feel that way. How we deal with it.........that's the trick.

On the longest day of the year, I will celebrate my dads birthday. He would have been 92. It will be the second one since he passed and it seems to be getting more emotional for me than the last one. I lost my wife one year before he went so maybe now I am just starting to really miss him. It's funny but I was born on the shortest day of the year and I always felt that meant something between the two of us. I think I will plan a special day maybe getting the heck out of this blistering heat. He was my mentor, my hero, and my dad.

When I left my support group a year ago, I was invited then to return someday if just because I could make people laugh with a little humor among the sorrow. Yesterday I did go with the full intention of helping those who were in that first state of grieving and maybe I could let them see how someone who was more than two years into it was surviving. (not a survivor, but surviving.) When I first went, I just wanted to be dead . It turned out to be something that helped me maybe more and I didn't expect that. I felt the pain they were going through and I got a bit teary a few times just remembering how that felt. It put things into perspective for me. We are all on a different part of our journey. This journey through grief that never ends but changes. I thought about my counselor who was leading the group. I remember when I met her, she was eight years out from loosing her husband. She became one of my many heroes on the path of grieving. She is now ten years and still standing. I can do that too. Perhaps when I get stronger, I will find some ways to give back.

You bet Mary, right you are. Pat I wanted to say that while I had grief support in group, I also felt the need to have individual counseling. It helped me a lot and I've learned to use every tool available to me to survive. By the way, It's nice to see you venting. Stephen

Harry, Thank you for that post. It made me feel better just reading it. I am at 28 months now and I have settled into the understanding that It will always be sad. I suppose I just get on with living. Mary I read that blog about crying and it reminds me that we all cry. Yes sometimes you just have to. I find that I cry these days at the drop of a hat. I see people in the news who loose someone and I just come unglued. I watch a movie now at home understanding that I must never go to a theater. But I laugh a lot too. Things just seem funnier. Perhaps my emotions are just on overload these days. It could be the new me. I remember when Gabbie Giffords was shot and how Kathy and I were watching it unfold. We both were grateful that at least we were going to be alright, that we were going to beat it. As it turned out ............... I remember later watching Mark Kelly at her bedside and feeling his pain. How much life changes us. Loosing the love of our lives is indeed the most dramatic

Pat, This is truly a bad time for you. You did some stupid things. I did too. I think a lot of us did. I was not much better when I reached eleven months than you are now. It is tragic to loose someone so young. I thought Kathy being only 51 was bad but 41? Well, I guess I feel your pain. Kathy also had a cancer but it was so rare that I will never know any one else that dies from it.. The money I lost was staggering between medical bills and loosing control of myself trying to manage money. That was what she did. Point is, I had to learn. It took a while but I am getting better at it. You know, like I know, that it was just money. Perhaps you might agree that we would be happy to have no money at all if they could still be alive. Life just isn't fair. I hope you spend more time here and read a lot of what others have written. Expressing and sharing is an important tool. There is a lot of compassion and healing among us. I am two years and four months into it. I see that I can survive. Kathy would want that for me. I think Diane would want that for you as well. Stephen

I went back and edited out the Mai Thais at first cause I didn't want to offend any one about drinking. So I put it back in. Thanks for not judging me but I have been known to have a drink ounce in a while. My favorite was the rum ice cream with the praline sauce. mmmmmmmmmmmmm