KATPILOT

Arlene! I hope you got through the day okay and I just wanted to wish you a "Happy Anniversary". I know speaking for myself, it is still a happy day cause after all it was still "my" anniversary, and I will enjoy that day for all of time. Stephen

Arlene, For what it's worth, I understand you feeling of suicide. Whether it is right or wrong really has no bearing on the issue. No one I ever knew did that without being in so much pain that they could tolerate life any longer. I want you to think about this if you will. There may be a very important reason that you are here and John has left. You just can't see what it is right now but in my heart of hearts, I know things happen for a reason. I feel the purpose of my life is yet to show itself to me but I do know that death will come soon enough as it is. Death is eternal. You'll get there. I hope you can spend time looking for the reason too stay alive. I hope you can find comfort from your friends here and those you have yet to meet. Yes life is hard, but it doesn't stay hard. Happy time come too. Time is your friend, not your enemy. You are young enough to cause some changes in this world and I for one would love to see you do that. Don't forget that you are still a grieving person. It eases a bit as time goes by. My first few months brought my desire for death out to play. Like your cat Monkey, I found my children and grandchildren reason to stick it out. Stephen

Jan, it is hard dealing with issues such as that when illness is at hand. Friendship is a very good thing when we are grieving and very important when we are ill. Platonic relationships can and do work. I find it interesting to hear how women find men crossing that line but from my perspective, I see women doing that as well. I need friends in my life as we all do. I have had situations where friendships began to take another path. I had to explain to a lady friend that I just was never going there. I understand that she began wanting a different kind of relationship with me. If she could not accept who I am and will always be, then the friendship had to end. After a while, we became friends once again and now we still get together for drinks and talk about our day and our work. I can freely discuss my feelings for Kathy and how sad I get from time to time. I have male friends who I can have that relationship with as well but you have to take me as I am. I will always be a grieving person and that is just how it is. Having said that, I must say that I finally have those in my life who try and fix me up giving that idea up entirely. It was truly getting annoying. There will be some of us who will eventually move on to another relationship. Well and good. My own dad remarried after my mother died and I understood that he just couldn't live alone. I accepted that but for me, I crave being alone. I need to be in my house with Kathy all around me. I am married for all of time and I truly understand that about me. Now I move on with my friends whatever their gender. I hope Jan that you can still have friendships without that happening to you again. Not all men are that way, especially those who are in love with an angel who resides on the other side. If that happens again, try saying "excuse me! I'm married" I hope you find peace and your body can calm. Stephen

One thing I will always remember about my dad was how he took everything in stride. When bad things happened, he just picked himself up and worked through the situation at hand. He would never dwell on the past or wished things were as they were before. I don't what made him like that. No one in his family was like him. My parents didn't lose many personal effects and the photos were saved. The fire took it's toll on his business though but he pushed on. I want to tell you all something about what a dad is. When I was watching the fire on the news, what attracted me to the story was that it showed the sign on the front of his building. I had painted the sign for him just a few months before. I worked upside down from the roof of the building and what I noticed that I didn't even recognize when I did it, was that I misspelled his name. He never said a word to me about it. He just let it be because his son painted it. I will never forget that. That is what a loving father does. When we have photographs to look at, they become so incredibly important to us when those people have left. I think they are the single most important thing we have for memories. I am so glad to have them and Kathy's early life as well. Stephen

Thank you for sharing Chris. Hope you can sleep for a while

That is so very nice! Photos can be so wonderfull if sometimes sad. I do it myself every once and again. I remember when I was in college at ASU and was in photography. One night I was watching the news and saw my dad's building on a four alarm fire. I rushed to the scene where I found my mom and dad trying to save some personal things in the office where the fire hoses had drenched all of the family photos. I grabbed them and hurried to the photo lab and rinsed and dried them all. It took the whole night and into the next day but I saved them. I am so glad to have them today. I also love to look at the photos of Kathy's parents who both joined her within the last year and a half. By the way, dreams often have unfinished endings. I think it might be because we don't really want them to end. I know you feel upset about that but hopefully you will be able to talk further in the next dream. I was once told that our loved ones are closest to us when we are asleep. I personally believe it. Oh and exciting news for me, I found my lost password and have my old identity back (katpilot). One thing about grief, is that you get a little scatter brained and forget where you put things a lot. I really must try to be more organized. Stephen

I wanted to say in passing that so many of you have been going through such ordeals that I wish I could have responded better. Mary, QM, Anne, Shannon, KayC, all of you that are struggling with hardships and health issues. I have read and felt the pain you are enduring. I am going through a very difficult time right now so I can't be here as often as I wish. Just know I think and pray for you kids. See you here again soon I hope. Stephen

Anne! I wish the best for you too. My simple prayer is added to a very large voice. Stephen

Kay, I want to say that I am so sorry about the news. My thoughts are with you though there is little I can say.

Songbird, I am sorry for your loss. Loosing a parent so close is indeed extremely hard. In time you will find the tools to get through this. I was at least two months after I lost my wife before I joined a group. I would not have been ready sooner. Let it happen when it happens. You will always be welcome here Stephen

Yes Loretta, I ad my sympathy for the grief you are enduring now. Since you live in the valley, I am sure there is a hospice grief support group you would find helpful. I sure got a lot out of it. I can only say that what you have gone through I cannot truly know but all of us have our own unique grief and the truth is it just hurts. This site is a safe house. It is a place where you can come to share, listen, and sometimes learn. It's a place where you can find tools to keep going when it gets rough. Welcome! Stephen I was just thinking about how many of our loved one's left too soon or had such a wrongful pass. I know this doesn't help much to say but, I knew that Kathy was in deep trouble but I couldn't get the doctors to move fast and we lost precious time. From the time she felt that lump in her thigh we started to explore what it was. It took a month before they started the radiation and chemo. Seven weeks later she was gone. I don't have anger. I guess I never did. No one wanted her to die. The profession is just what it is. (not the greatest). I just feel bad for her. I couldn't save her and I think about that all the time. It can't bring her back so it wastes my time to be angry at anyone even God. Anger just takes away the time I could be spending thinking about her, loving her still.

Anne I hope you were able to get sleep. Benji will get through this. All my prayers and good thoughts Stephen

Thinking of you Mary, It's good to know Bentley is there with you. Stephen

You're a good soul Mary.

Karen, that is so exquisite. Thank you for sharing it. Those words, that card, hold true for all of time. Stephen

Connie, You are just six months into this. That is not a very long time. You do have to take care of yourself first so try and take the time to do just that. Hip replacement surgery is not a simple procedure and you should take whatever time it requires to heal and recover. Getting rid of things can always wait. Perhaps if you put them in a room by themselves, it wouldn't hurt so much if you weren't having to look at them. I might ad that the grief does become more tolerable as time goes by. It doesn't really end, but you will find yourself living again one day. You will have more happy days than sad. You will cry a little less. It just takes time. You need to allow that time for yourself. Trust me, I am still here and I didn't know at first that I would make it this far. Come here and share with others. We always want to listen. Best hopes for you, Stephen

Sarab, I want to say that I understand the feelings of losing your grandmother. I lived with one who also lost her grandmother. My wife Kathy was always close to her and when she would be down in Arizona visiting, Kathy and her grandmother would talk on the porch for hours. The last time she was down here, she took me aside and said "you take care of my little girl" After she passed, Kathy would often feel her grandma's presence while she was out there alone. When kathy was going through cancer treatment, one night while we were lying in bed, the hall light turned on outside our bedroom. I was truly scared someone was in our house and bolted out of bed only to find the house empty and secure. I went back and looked at Kathy who seemed so calm. She said "Don't worry, it's just Grandma. She wants me to know everything will be okay." Before Kathy died, she said she would find a way to reach me if she possibly could. The day she left, a lot of lights and ceiling fans turned on in my house. I had no doubts that Grandma taught her how to do it. I know you feel the loss of the one who truly understands you but I'm betting she is still there watching over you. You are never truly alone. I am so sorry for you and your Granpa's loss. Altough it is not much consolation, remember angels do have to fly one day. And, one day you will have the stregth to go back. Just take it one day at a time and you will know when the time is right. Stephen

Shannon, I ad my best hopes and prayers to you as well. And, Leo is with you. I know this. I hope when you can read the messages here that you feel the love from so many that care. Stephen

Hang in there Mary. It won't last long on. Soon you will be able to leave. I hope you have a pleasant surprise when the bandage comes off. Do not worry about getting on the road too soon. Be safe and just remember in a few days things will be more settled and you will be safe at home where you are surrounded by things that matter most. For now, just know Bill is with you, always remember that. And everyone is here to help and listen. Love to you too Mary! Stephen

Today has been a good day It has rained all night and much of the day. Time just stands still as I feel the air clear and the earth gets it's nitrogen. Don't we just love it ? Tonight I will be going up to Pinnacle Peak for dinner with the quads. That's what we call the triplets when little brother joins the fray. I hope you all have a gentle evening. I am having one of those nice ones. I've learned to cherish them when they do happen. I just keep thinking Arlene. I would love to know what the " before " was like if you don't mind sharing that someday. I know what you mean when you say you are looking forward to the day. I think about that all the time. I just know that it might be a while. Stephen

Mary, That is just terrific!

Same goes for me too Mary. When your in there, I'm betting you will be thinking of all the friends who care. Anne, I don't know know where you found those but I am still laughing.! Stephen

Anne, Watching the lightning like that sounds so wonderful. I like your perspective of imagination. Did Jim like watching lightning too? Do you ever find yourself drawn for some unexplained reason to do something they liked doing? That happens to me often and it is either my imagination, or..................

Jan, I don't think time changes the existence of Pete. I am so confident that they are still among us........around us. I read the post and I think I get a different perspective from it. It is a long time ago. For some it is longer yet time has no meaning in death. Death is eternal and we have a very limited time left here. I remember at first I was so afraid to go on living because Kathy was on the other side. She died young, beautiful, and vibrant. I was older and I would continue to age, but she wouldn't. I needed to go with her. I wanted to so desperately to die. Well, I didn't. Don't ask me how. I did end up realizing that she will always be there. She hangs around me often. She leaves sometimes for a month or two, but she comes back if just to tell me she's here. There is something magic about the spirit. It has no boundaries, no physical shape, all they can give you is love and faith. That part has to be inside you already. I'm thinking it is. I may not be able to give you the wisdom, but I can remind you to live, breathe, and take things one day at a time. We have all the time in the world. Stephen

Yes Kay, I know what you mean. I doubt they will ever completely stop but that's okay. It's hard to love forever without the sorrow still lingering. Do rest this weekend if you can. You've done a lot today.