KATPILOT

Yes Connie, Anne has it right. There will be better days ahead but just take it one day at a time. We all know what it's like to realize that what you had is gone and it tears you up every time you think about it. I copied something written in a brochure from my hospice group meetings. It is on my fridge attached to a magnet with Kathy's picture above it. It simply says: It will never be the same I will never be the same you came we loved you left I will survive until I survive and one day I will find myself alive again. That someday has yet to come but it's getting closer. I know I will be sad but I will find myself happy too. Maybe that's the best we can hope for because indeed, "we will never be the same" Anne, isn't it interesting how an animated movie like "UP" can bring us to tears? I can hardly bear to watch it now. I am the old man and she's gone Stephen Stephen

Thanks for asking Mary. I'm okay but woke up this morning crying. Still happens once and again. But alas, just another day. I bet I will laugh before the day is done. I am enclosing a pic that my friend Bob's wife painted. She donates one every year to Hospice for their art auction in Phoenix. I get to donate the framing. She still paints and is damn good. And yes Arlene, Mindy was our dog. Kathy's baby really. I met them when Mindy was two. They let me into the pack. Stephen

I hear that KayC. I'd rather be poorer than a church mouse if Kathy were just here. And Jan, I feel the same way. I can go out with friends and family. I even like to have them over, but when they leave and I'm home alone, I feel her and I'm back where I belong. Chris, you will find yourself evolving. We all change with time. Even when we had our wives and husbands with us, we were always changing. It's called growth. After two and a half years, I can see how I've adapted. I'm not saying it is a great life, just saying it's different and a bit more tolerable. I still hurt sure. I wake up in the night and realize I've been crying in my sleep but it happens less all the time. For some, like my dad, they marry again............. partly because they just can't live alone, and sometimes because fate brought them to meet someone they were always supposed to meet. I remember when Kathy and I would be waiting for her radiation treatments at the Mayo, we met a couple who were in the same boat as us. They had been married before and met while they were with their former spouses in radiation treatments. Both of their spouses died and they ended up together. That's what I mean by fate. The point of my story is that we just have to evolve. We must adapt, that is nature. For me, I know I will never marry again. I find peace alone and cannot bring another into my life which will be shared with Kathy for all eternity. It still sucks and I hate it. the simple fact is that I'm stuck with it. Remember this, Life is difficult. Once we accept that fact, we can get busy living. Stephen

Nice stories Karen. Ramble on all you want. It make a very nice read. I think it's great that you have a chance to keep it in the family. I just know it will work out. You sound fatigued and that's understandable. I can tell you it is indeed a symptom of grieving. All things in time........... Kathy asked me to have her ashes combined with Mindy and then be in Kauai, her favorite place on earth. Of course that means we will all be together when that happens. You know Arlene, we have all fallen down this rabbit hole but given time, we will climb back out of it. One day you will find that you have more good days than bad. Mary, I wanted to share a story about brushes. I had a friend who was a space artist among other things. He designed the first mission patch for the space shuttle crew as he was a big part of NASA since the Mercury program. For the last mission, NASA asked him to design that patch too. Of course he did and sent it off to them on a Thursday. He died of heart failure quite suddenly the next day at the age of 90. On that mission, they took several, of his brushes into space with them. After they returned, they brought them to his bride. How sweet is that? I still go over to her house once in a while and we have a glass of wine and remember our loved ones and talk about art. I do promise to try harder cleaning my brushes. Stephen

I remeber that day too kayc. Even her perfume can never smell the same now that it is not on her skin.............. not even close. Yes Mary I'm bad. Not the most expensive brushes but I can't afford to have hairs come out when I paint either. E'tienne

Karen, Here's hoping you will find a way to keep the home. I had to sell the condo we had built in Calgary to be close to Kathy's parents in their declining years. It was special because of the joy we had in decorating it. Kathy just lit up every time we found just the right item. When I went back up for her parents funerals, I drove by it and the emotions were so overwhelming. I will never return. I guess it is easier for me since we were only able to live in it for three months. It was after it was built and we moved in that Kathy felt that lump in her thigh. Four months later, she was gone. I would think that your time in that vacation home was longer and the memories much thicker. My best hopes for you. Oh, and Mary, I bet if I told you that I destroy at least one paint brush a month you would cringe. I restore artwork and frames at work and often just forget to clean em. I know, I'm bad Stephen

Yes I still keep a shirt of my dads in my closet. and a hat. I did keep some of his tools and when I hold them in my hand, I feel the warmth knowing he had touched them so many times. The one thing that will always be special to me will be the flight computer (like a slide rule) that he had used when flying bombers in WWII. I have been flying since I was very young and always kept and used it when I flew. It said U S Army Air Forces on it. It now resides with my oldest son who is a pilot as well. I know he will always cherish it. I too love that smell. Having been born in Arizona, it is something you just can't enjoy everywhere. I still put on Kathy's robe once in a while, but the smell left long ago. I finally washed it and hung it back up. Things will change in time, but memories will last forever. Stephen

Yes Anne, Someone is watching out for you. I am so happy for you too. Stephen

Hugs to you too Arlene and Karen. Please feel welcome to spill it all out here. That's what we are here for. If I remeber correctly,Fae describes how we are a tribe. We sit around the fire and help each other - some who have years under their belt and some just entering this horrible grief. All are welcome and the old hands gladly help the new. I was lucky that Hospice had a White Dove location very close to my home. Between Kathy and my dad, I moved a lot of stuff over there. Kathy had a method when buying clothes. If she found one that she loved, she often bought two in case she ever got a stain. Does that sound familiar to anyone? I still kept a lot of things that were special to me. Next to her wedding dress, hangs the dress she was wearing when I met her. Now that's worth saving. Don't worry about the rain.......it will come and soon. If it doesn't, let me know and I'll wash my car and leave it outside. I miss Mindy too. When the thunder struck. she was always on top of my head. If she could talk, she would have been saying "save me dad" By the way, I started a thread "what have you done for yourself today, this week, this month". I learned early on that it is very important to think about yourself once in a while. I know it's hard but you have to keep yourself going or grief will destroy you. That is something our husbands and wives would never want. You know that don't you? Stephen

True words kayc, The problem with loving is the risk of loss that comes with it. It is only when we risk that loss, that we can love this deeply. I always balked at the remarks I've heard "you need to get another dog right away". However we go about meeting a new member of our pack, we almost have to allow them to find us. otherwise, it's like getting a replacement player when one is lost to the team. You know, George like Kathy are irreplaceable. Enough said. I wonder sometimes when I think about how important to Kathy Mindy was, I imagine what it would be like for her if I had been the one to leave. As you speak about the similarity of loosing Arlie to George, it is like loosing your own child. This is most likely to happen if you had no children of your own. Having said that, I think kathy might not have had the strength to over come the grief and succomb as the wife did in "What Dreams May Come". I truly love that movie if it is a bit dark. I had a dalmation by the way named Panda. I missed her a lot too. In any event, I'm glad I was the one to suffer the grief, not her and I truly wanted to check out at first. It's a double edged sword though isn't it ? One misses the grief and one misses living on. Stephen

Melina, The positive may seem a bit strange but it is extrodinary, like stepping briefly into another world. I would have loved to be sitting quietly in the corner. Glad you had that week. Mary, I used to say to myself after kathy died, "It's only money". I could care about such things when losing her was so horrific. Later though, it starts to become more important doesn't it? What a pity. Fae and Melina, I feel so much for you in having to move. I look at my own life and being able to stay in this little house and all of the memories.........well for me it is my only future. To die here., that would be my fondest wish. I hope everyone here finds a little peace today. Stephen

I want to say how sorry I am for your loss Elaine and Scott. I know how hard it is as well. When we lost Mindy five years ago, it was devastating and Kathy just could not get over her. I was reminded when you spoke of guilt Elaine, at having to put your Charlie down. Kathy could never forget Mindy looking into her eyes as if to say "help me mom". You just never get over those things I suppose. When Kathy died two and a half years ago, she wanted to be combined with Mindy whose ashes were in our room. I did so of course and now I have them both here in my room still. I sadly am the only surviving member of our pack. One day all three of us will be together. For now, I am just in a funk. Mindy was the most wonderfull dog I had ever had the chance to know and now that Kathy and her are together, I just don't see how I could ever have another dog in my life. It's like having been married to Kathy. Once you have known perfection, you just will never go there again. Kay, your sister sounds familiar. Kathy would never have a dog again for that exact reason. My remark now to Kathy would be "Try loosing a spouse" Suppose to be funny but not really huh? Stephen

Oh Anne, that is so sad. I can tell you that my heart goes out to her. She certainly has our support here. All I can say is that Kathy never got over Mindy who's picture is on my profile these days, and I can never have another dog. Mindy and Kathy were perfect and I will always have that. Perhaps Benji can help Julie when she is over.. Stephen

Glad you made it home safe Fae. It sounds like you might be in a comfort zone. Stephen

Oh Mary! That so touches on what brings us all together here. I don't know how you find all these wonderfull things to share. We start life feeling like we could never die. Somewhere about middle age, we experience medical procedures and health seems to smack us in the face. Soon after that, we start to recognize our vulnerabilty and start to fear death as a real possibilty. Life changed for me that way but somewhere along the path I began to have a reoccuring dream. I was on the Titanic and being a man, I was aware that I would be going down with the ship. I found myself in the bar buying a gentleman a drink and sharing a toast to a wonderfull life. It seemed that fear of dying just wasn't present. I know it is just a silly dream yet I think it was me trying to get rid of the fear. Being with another in the same boat when things seem to be heading south, we find comfort knowing we are not alone. I stay close to the fire so I don't drift into despair Stephen

Anne I hope you made it through the night and Benji was okay too. I know the fireworks used to scare Mindy and we always feared leaving her. It's bothersome to almost any dog. Certain days do get to us don't they? I was okay on this one cause Kathy was Canadian and the fourth never got to be a big thing for her. Canadian Thanksgiving though.....I will always have a hard time with that one. Today I am off to Payson to take my Step mom out to eat at her favorite restaurant. That will be a fun time. At ninety four, she still eats more than I can and she is such a cutie. Sorry your day was so sad, but glad you come here. Stephen

Some people we worry about even with no words spoken. I am going to watch the fire works tonight with my grandchildren. At leat we are in a cold snap (only 102 today). That I am doing for myself...........I will like that. Stephen

I wanted to also mention that Hospice of the Valley offers to you grief support groups which meet at different locations in the valley twice a month. You can find that information at www.hov.org/grief-support-groups . I used this tool to help get through those early times and I am so greatfull for the help I received. I also read the book they distribute to hospice families which for your early jouney might be helpfull as well. It certainly was for me.

Shainae, One thing I am sure you have heard from the help you have been getting, is that you cannot go around grief. It will just catch up to you someday. Going through it is the only way and hard as it is, you have come to the right place. I kind of relate to you on loosing someone so young. My bride was only 51 when she left. Forty is so wrong. I feel for you.I had only fourteen years married to Kathy yet they were the best years of my life because she was perfect. I was lucky enough to have known that joy even if it had been only one year. You have a hard road ahead as we all have but taking care of her children as well? Good for you. We all understand how hard that must be. March is so recent. I hope you can just take one day at a time as you go through this journey. Remember this, crying is not a sign of weakness. No damn way in ++++. Weather you realize it or not, She is with you when you are suffering. She knows that is when you need her the most. Stephen

Such a nice thought Mary. I still fear the storms though I am learning to sail my ship. It's when you hit a storm that you wonder if you have leaned enough to get through this one. Have an enjoyable Independence Day. I could think of one independence I sure wish we didn't share! Stephen

Yes, thank you Marty.

Fae, Safe travels today. It will be good to know you are safe and at home.

Jan, I think Pete is communicating with you. I also awaken in the middle of the night, though not often, and I feel her trying to tell me something. Sitting on the sofa and having coffee, I often get what she is trying to say. Someone once told me that they are with us when we sleep. That is when they can be the closest to our thoughts. I came to believe it. While I am sitting there, I have to work very hard at letting my mind be quiet and just let the message gel. By the way, most of the time I sleep through the night. I never set an alarm. Owning my own business, I just get to work when I get to work. I love that schedule. Time for me is not the same as it used to be. It never will be. Stephen

Mary, Sometimes I listen to music and let my minds eye see for a while. Don't worry. Everything is going to be okay. I just feel it.

So great to hear you are at home and resting Ann. Always remember you are never truly alone. He is with you and so is the tribe. Benji hugs are the best medicine today.