chrissy777

Derek, While I cant give you any advice on the subject I can tell you I have been thinking of this as well. I am at 6 months and thought a year was sufficient that was before I had been through it. You feel lonely and hope there is someone that you can have a life with again. I ask Jason all the time to help me with this. I hope this goes well for you. Take care and God bless you and your son.

Thank you for your replies. I was working last night and started crying about 3 or 4 times. Im usually ok at work but last night I couldnt focus I couldnt think I just sat there and was in deep thought on most of my down time. I had a few things that reminded me of Jason last night and I couldnt help but cry. I hope this gets easier soon. This might be the worse time I have had so far. In the beginning things were just so unbeleivable that I dont think I thought it was really happening. Now reality truely sets in and I feel so helpless. I tried talking to my coworkers about how I felt but they would just change the subject. I dont think they realize it helps me to talk about it. Well I haveto go but thank you all again.

I was wondering if anyone around the 6th month maybe (cause thats where I am at now) remembers things more vividly. I had forgotten so many precious things and I dont know if it was the holidays or a point that I am at but everything comes to me so clearly. I dream more vividly, I look around my house and memories just flow in. In some ways I am glad to have these memories come to me, but they are also reminding me of how wonderful things were with him here and how I wont have that again. I think of what we would be doing right now if he were here. I know he would be the best father in the world. He didnt even get to meet his son. I guess it is one of the "stages" I am suppose to go through. I miss him like crazy sometimes I feel like I literally miss him so much it makes me crazy... How many times can people be talking to you and have you there just not even paying any attention to them before they committ you. Well my venting is through. Thank you all for listening and God bless you all.

Laurie, That is a nice gesture, giving his son the watch and cards. My late husband has children from a previous marriage unfortunatly he never got to see them because their mother put into their heads that he was an evil man. When he would go to pick them up for visits they would call the police and they actually showed up. It is nice that you can have somewhat of a relationship with them. I think Christmas next year will be less intense, or at least I hope. I am just glad it is over. Take care and hope things go well for you today.

Terry, I understand. It was 5 months for me Dec 5th.. I am scared of being alone too. I hope everyone can find some happiness in memories for me they just made me cry and breakdown. I know it may not be healthy but I have tried to forget it is Christmas at all. I am going to make today a normal day for me. I wish the best for you and for everyone today and in the coming year.

Hello, I am so sorry for your loss and feelings of betrayal. I lost my husband July 5th of this year. I like derek cannot relate to your feelings of betrayal and I wish you didnt have to go through that on top of the loss of your loved one. I also am raising a son on my own and it isnt easy. It really helps to talk so I am glad you are seeing someone for that. Come on here and talk alot too it really does help. Take care

Laurie, The day my Jason died I felt weird. I couldnt explain it if I tried. I was out shopping with his mother and sister and just felt this overwhelming need to talk to him. I kept saying to them I dont want him to die. They thought I was crazy until he did and his sister left me a message on my phone saying wow you two were truely soulmates. It was very weird.

Derek, Your words hit so close to home for me. I always think what is my son going to do without a father. I feel guilty. I know I shouldnt, but I do. I think a father should be there to do fatherly things for him and he doesnt have one. I look in his face and he is aways smiling and so happy. I dont know how to be both. I guess we cant. All we can do is give them all the love we can give them. Take care and I hope you can sleep better tonight. God bless you and your son.

Kay C, Thank you for thinking of us during this time. I am having a very bad night. I am so sick of being so lonley and hurting so bad. I have my son but I want love from my husband. I still cant beleive he is gone. I used to be a strong person now I feel like a child again. I hope things get easier after the holidays. For some reason Sundays always seem to be the worse day of the week for me. Especially the night time. I will be thinking of everyone here as well.

Karen, I have thought the same thing. It feels like only yesterday he ways here with me, but I feel like I have been alone and crying for 5 years not 5 months. Time is very weird and my perspective of it is so different now. I really learned not to take anything I have for granted. You dont know what you had tell it is gone. Take care.

Derek, It is hard to keep it together when you have something to remind you of how you feel. I have been back at work and it is hard for me to keep it together when I am about to leave work to go home because I know he wont be there to greet me. I too havnt been celebrating too much. In fact I am working Christmas and eve this year. I am happy I am. If I wasnt I think I would volenteer to work. I havnt thought of how Jason would be spending Christmas but that is a nice thought that he would be celebrating with Jesus. I have tried not to think about it much. I hope things get easier. Take care and God bless.

Terry, I agree. I also agree that the lonliness is so hard. I come home from work at night and I feel sp alone. I have my son but I want the companionship I had with Jason again. I think somethings feel like only yesterday, but for me I feel like I have been alone forever. Thank you for your response and take care.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Last night wasnt as hard as my first night back. I guess it will just take some time. That was the longest I was out of work since I started nursing. Kay C Thats right you just started work again too. Its not easy with the added confusion we have from losing our husbands. I forget very easily so I was trying to write everything down like you said Derek. Thanks again everyone.

Its so hard to beleive it has been 5 months since my world was shattered. I had dreams about Jason last night which hasnt happened in a while. They had no meaning but at least he was there. He felt so alive to me. I woke up feeling like I could open my eyes and see him here, but once again I woke up alone without him. It feels more like 5 years sometimes. I miss him so much. I went back to work yesterday after being out for 6 months and it is so hard to get adjusted again. Things changed alot there and I am confused as it is. Being a nurse you really cant afford to be confused. I will get the hang of it in a few days I guess. I feel like I am just babbling on and on. My mind never stops it seems like I cant turn it off. I have trouble sleeping, and focusing. I hope it gets easier. Well I hope its not one of those days. Thank you all for your help and support through these tough months. It helps so much to have a place to turn to. Take care everyone and God bless you all.

Laurie, I went through a period where all I could do was think of him lying there and our life and just cry and cry. Right now I think I am doing better (5 months) You go through stages and just when you think you are getting a little better bam it hits you again. I truely do beleive you go through all this terrible greif to be reborn in some sort of a way. We cant get them back and I already came to that conclusion. For a long time I thought I could get him back like he just left me for someone else or something. What you are feeling is normal and I dont know how long it will last for you B/c everyone is different but trust me it gets a little easier with time. I hope it will get a little better soon. Take care/

Derek, That is so sweet. They truely are a joy. Most children today think of themselves and what they are getting for Christmas. He sounds so wonderful. Take care and God bless you and Carson.

Kay C, I agree about Christmas. I am trying to forget about it but it doesnt go away. Everyone is so happy about it. People tell me next Christmas will be easier. I hope so. Dont be hard on yourself and we will survive. Take care and God bless.

Derek, You are so right. I think to myself if never having Jason I wouldve been spared such grief, but I wouldnt have had the chance to know such a loving wonderful man. We have the greatest gift of all this holiday. We have our memories and our sons(which reminds me more and more of his father every day.) Thank you and Happy holidays. PS I went to a meeting on surviving the holidays after someone dies and the main thing that I remember is to keep focused on the meaning of the holiday not the traditions. To remember that Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. It does help.

Thank you all for your help. I had a feeling and it made me realize that Jason wants me to celebrate Christmas. Its so weird sometimes I feel he is here. I walked into the living room yesterday and really thought he was there. The holidays are hard. I was having more good days than bad before Thanksgiving then it all hit me and the bad days were much more intense and frequent. I put a special ornament on the tree for Jason it says "I am with you always because you remember me" I am feeling better today and again thank you all for your support. Happy holidays.

All I can think of today is why? Why does everyone around me get to be happy about the holidays? Why did Jason have to die? I cant understand anything anymore. We were so happy and now I am so miserable and I cant take it anymore. We used to say as long as we had each other we would be ok. Well we were right because now I am not ok. I had my sister over and we put up the tree Yesterday. I really have been thinking about taking it down and not celebrating at all. The only reason why I feel that I have to is the baby. I was talking to my Mother in law and she said Jason wouldve wanted us to celebrate. I know he wouldve but I just cant get happy. I want to just lock myself away until next year. I needed to vent.

I agree with Terry that God is sad when things like this happen. I feel so bad for you Janie. There are so many hard things that you have been put through. It is my opinion that God loves all of us. I think he has emotions just like us and to see you hurting he does cry for you. I will be praying for you. Take care

Well today wasnt good. I was over my in laws and all I could see was Jason. The place we used to sit together the picture of us by his sisters Christmas tree. It is so hard.I have been trying to get shopping done for the holiday but money is tight and I cant worry anymore or I will burst. I agree about going to sleep and waking up Jan2. I cant even think of how It will be Christmas day or seeing the ball drop and not having him to kiss. I guess I should be happy I made it through today. Well I hope everyones holiday went ok. You were all on my mind today. Take care and God bless.

Janie, The people around us just dont understand. They couldnt even begin to imagine the nightmare we are going through. People think that there is a set time or steps for us to go through and than we will be ok. I hope things get easier for you. I will be thinking of you. Take care

Searcher, 17 years of fighting? God bless you I couldnt imagine the struggle you have been through. We fought for almost 2 years before Jason died. It is hard to watch the one you love struggle like that. Take care and God bless.

Kay C, Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you. It brings tears to my eyes when you say his arms were the safest pace to be in the world. I miss that too. My Jason was my rock and the lonliness is so horrible. I know George is still your cheerleader and I am sure he is cheering for you right now. Take care and Good luck at your new job.