chrissy777

I think there should be some sort of financial pardon or something for widows. To go from making two incomes to one is so hard. My husband made twice what I do. I dont have a house fortunatly. My husband got sick right before we were going to close on a house I surely couldnt afford on my own. Dont have much more to say just wanted to add my $.02.

Thanks all for your thoughts. I agree KayC I know that I should be thinking of the good things but I just cant. All I see in my head is my poor lifeless husband on that hospital bed. I think of all the times he suffered and think why? I dont understand it. My mother in law gave me a book to read "the purpose driven life" It encourages you to only read a chapter a day and today is day 2 for me. It has really transformed my mother in laws outlook on life and I hope it does the same for me. I was taking an antidepressant but it is making me worse in other areas. I am getting panic attacks from it and it doesnt allow me to cry which I really need to do. I am gradually decreasing it and eventually stopping it. I get phyically sick thinking of the bone marrow biopsies and the chemo side effects and all those 130 mile drives we did to the hospital. I cant wait until I think of the good times and smile. Thanks again it feels good to vent. Take care all

Nowwhat, I dont think there is anything to do know but go through the greiving process. I am a professional too and remeber learning in school about the stages of greif. I have learned from going through the loss of my husband that nothing is what you think it is. I have gone through all the stages at different times several times. The anger really got to me. I was so mad but I didnt have anyone to be mad at. I never got mad at God. I did ask why, but I guess I will not find out the answer anytime soon. I also lost my husband to cancer (hodgkins lymphoma) actually the autopsy said he had no cancer in his body when he died it was the chemo that did it to him. With time things get a little easier. (Im at 4 months today which feels like an eternity) Come here and talk to others that know how you feel. It may seem like no one else in the world can feel as bad as you and it sucks to find out there are others that have to go through this as well. It really does help to talk though. Take care of yourself.

Jenn, I wish I had good advice for you. I know it is hard. Were you able to get social security for your son to help you out. I also know that if you make under a certain amount a month and are the caretaker of the child you are eligable for money from ss. I applied shortly after the baby was born. I dont like the money because it is like death money, but I know it will help. I hope things work out for you. I will be thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts.

I had the babies portraits done and wanted to share them with everyone. He will be 6 weeks on tuesday. He makes me smile he looks so much like his daddy did. here he is

uncertain, It is not stupid and dont feel sorry for posting it helps alot. I lost my husband 4 months ago and if there is one thing I have learned it is nothing goes as you expect it to. There are days I actually feel really good and the horrible days where I cry all day. I beleive everyone is different. I think maybe it has really hit you that he is gone and you think about how it couldve been. I am 25 my husband was 36. It is hard losing at any age but for us I think the biggest thing is you feel cheated out of so many years together. Dont ever feel like you are not feeling what you should feel b/c there is no way we should feel. Its individual to each person. Take care Thanks Kayc you mean alot to us too.

I was wondering when I will be able to think of our good memories and laugh instead of cry. The things I spend a majority of my time thinking about are the painful memories. The 2 years we fought the cancer. I think of how he suffered just to die. I think of the drives down to Philly and I get physically sick thinking of it. Last night was the first night I couldnt sleep because of my thoughts (not the baby) in a while. I want to be able to think of the Jason that was happy and loved life. Not his lifeless body. In some ways I wish I didnt go in the room to see him dead. It is the last view I got of him, and it sticks in my mind. I cried alot yesterday and I feel as though when I do I am not being a good mother and I need to be strong. I hope I get peace soon.

Kay C, That was beautiful. I am sure George can hear you and knows how much you adore him. He sounds like he was a wonderful man.

Laurie, Beleive me when I say I know how you feel. I wasnt there when my husband died. I felt guilt for so long over that. I finally had to tell myself there was nothing I could do. I know Jason knew that I wouldve wanted to be there as sean probably did. I heard my husband moaning in the backround while a nurse was on the phone in his room telling me I couldnt talk to him. It killed me. He was 2 hours away so I knew there was nothing I could do but I still blamed myself. Dont be hard on yourself. It is so hard losing your love and then to have to be put through the extra things that come up like finding out things you really wish you didnt hurts. Take care

What a beautiful poem. Thank you.

Kay C, I wish there were something I could do to help you. I had the same situation with the life insurance. We applied for it but at the time Jason smoked and wanted to quit. The insurance company said we would save alot of money if we waited for a year after he quit and bam he got cancer so that was down the tubes. Unlike you though I rent so it is easier for me. I cant imagine how scary it must be, but I can tell just from your replies to others posts that you are strong. I hope you can find a way through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

Laurie, I am about 4 months out since I lost my husband Jason. In the beginning it was very rough, but I was more numb than everything. At 4 months things still are hard some days, but I do laugh especially at my new son. Some things get easier and some things get harder. I think the biggest thing for me was constantly telling myself he is not coming home. I still do that today, because part of me feels like he will. It all seems so unreal. With time things get a little easier. You do have things to be greatful for as do I, but we had the biggest part of us taken away. I feel like I died with him in some ways. You shouldnt feel sorry for your grief. I did for a while, because I didnt want others to feel awkward around me. Take your time and be good to yourself.

Karen, I agree that you need to take time for yourself. It is so overwhelming and you will get too emotionally and physically drained. I am a nurse at a nursing home where we deal with hospice alot. I have learned that there are some very wonderful and caring hospice groups and workers. At times we get a group where they visit an actively dying resident very infrequently, and the good group is with people who are terminal but dont need as much support more often. I agree that maybe you could switch to a different hospice if insurance will cover it. Take care of yourself.

I agree with everyone. Derek has helped me through some rough days. I would love to meet everyone too. Its kinda hard to plan anything with the new baby though. Maybe someday like Laurie said earlier it is a small world.

Thank you all again for you kind words. Derek the baby is doing good. He is getting big. He doesnt look like he did when he was born. He is starting to look more like he is developing a personality or something. I am doing a little better too. There are good days and bad days. I cant wait til the good days are plenty and the bad days are few. Take care.

Thank you all for your kindness. It so helps me to come here and talk. Today wasnt the greatest of days. After feeling this way this morning I called my dad and he was having trouble breathing. I spent the whole day in an emergency room. Thank God my dad is ok though, and got to go home. Being in the hospital brings back horrible memories of bone marrow biopsies, chemo etc from the 2 years jason fought his cancer. Well thank you all again. William I am so happy that I can help you in any way. I dont know sometimes if I do cause I feel like I tend to complain about my situation alot. I just feel so bad for all of us. I know how everyone feels and God bless you all because it stinks to put it very mildly. Take care everyone.

I have been feeling alot lately like nothing seems real. Like the death didnt happen. I replay the day over and over in my head and it still just feels like a bad dream and I am going to wake up and Jason will be here. He was too young to die, 36 years old and Im a widow at 25. Its too unreal. I think of our memories now too, which I didnt do for a while. They feel like only yesterday. How can someone be here with you so alive and then just gone forever? Sorry I just needed to vent and no one around me understands. I think some people feel I should be ok by now.

Grace, My thoughts and prayers are with you during this hard time. It helps me to keep my mind focused on something else sometimes. (easier said than done) Take care

Laurie, I dont know if that is true. I have only had a few dreams about my husband and none of them were good or comforted me at all. I have somewhat felt him while I was awake or had something happen to me where I was just like ok that was weird and it had to be Jason. I was in labor with my first child for 6 hours and only pushed for an hour. That is only one of the many things that made me feel he was here or in heaven. At least I like to beleive that is why these things happen. I have stopped waiting for a good dream.

hello MrsCharlie, I am so sorry for your loss. There is no good way to lose your spouse but I must say you have been put through heck. I hope you can get the justice you and your husband deserve. I know it wouldnt bring him back, but at least you can find some way to give his employer what he deserves. Actually you cant give him what he "deserves" but you can get him in some way. Keep coming back here and posting or just reading it has helped me tremendouly. You dont feel so alone when you know you have others to talk to who can in some ways know how you feel. Take care of yourself and like kayc said dont be hard on yourself. You did everything you could.

Kay C, I have written in widowed or when they asked for the babies fathers info at the hospital I wrote in deceased. I dont like to say I am single either because I didnt chose to be. I never realized how hard being a single mother was and my sister liked to compare me to her for a while. She would say remember when I had Emma (my niece) I was alone and It took alot of effort not to say to her you had chosen that route not me. The beginning of your post makes me realize I am not the only one who relives the day it happened. The worse day of my life. For some reason I cant think of the good times yet. All I replay in my head is the day he died. My reaction how the doctor told me etc. I wish in I way I could erase that memory. I know how I feel when people say I look good or whatever they think I look like. Of course we dont go around crying all day. I Think people just expect us to drag ourselves along the rest of our lives and look miserable. If I looked how I felt some days they would have me committed. I am always thinking of you and everyone on here and I will keep you in my prayers.

Jenn, I am sorry you are having a rough time. I know you are a strong person raising your son alone. I know this now more than ever how hard that is especially after what we have been through. I too think alot about how it would be if Jason were here. It is hard to think of that, so I usually try to stop myself when I do. I like your idea of making a quilt from his t shirts I actually printed something from DIY network online to try that but never got around to it. I am also not to crafty when it comes to that stuff. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Gabrielle, I am sorry you are having a bad month. I hope things can get easier for you and for all of us. I hear things get better with time. Well if thats the case I either want to turn back time and be with Jason again or push fast forward to the time where it gets easier. I hate the nighttime. Going to bed alone and pictureing him lying next to me. Then the only vision I get after that is him lying in the hospital bed dead. I hope someday I can get a different vision in my head. I know we all have bad days but you feel like no one else can possibly be feeling this way and if there is someone else out there that does it is such a cruel world. Well take care and take time.

LindaK, I lost my husband to cancer July 5th of this year. There are days still where I just want to scream. I pleaded with God to give him back and I actually thought there was a way to bring him back. In the beginning I didnt know what to think. After the fog leaves you and you have to tell yourself that he is never coming home I think that is the hardest time. I had a few days where I did scream. I didnt answer the phone or talk to anyone I just spent all day screaming and crying. I also had some better days. With time thing got a little easier, but it gets harder in other ways. I had doctors tell me I could be put on medication but was pregnant at the time and didnt want to take anything. Now that I have the baby I still dont want to take anything because I dont have depression, depression has me. We went through something that anyone who went through it would be depressed. Dont get me wrong antidepressant are good and can help many people, but in my opinion we are suppose to be depressed I mean we lost our other have part of us died. I am sorry for your loss and I think the best medicine is to talk about your feelings I come here often to talk to others that understand my feelings and everyone is so wonderful here. Take care of yourself and it is ok to scream

You are all right. I wish Jason was here to see the baby, give his input, and take turns with me in those late night feedings. When Jason died I think I kind of developed a little of what I call obsessive compulsiveness. I couldnt get the house clean enough and it took its toll on me. When the baby came I tried to keep up with my obsessed cleaning but now have come to a realization that even if my house was a disaster there will always be time to clean it and the baby will only be this little for a little while and I need to enjoy my time with him. I did clean today but it was just picking up it wasnt the obsessive cleaning I was doing. In my mind I wanted everything "perfect" I have to realize that there is no perfect and if Jasons death didnt teach me that I dont know what will. I have to tell myself just to enjoy life and cherish everything I have. Thank you all for listening and your kindness. It really means so much to me to come on here and have such wonderful people to talk to. Take care