chrissy777

Thank you all for your replys. I was flying high on the excitment of having the baby and I love him so much. The past few days have been very hard for me though. Oh God I have never wanted something so badly in my life and I cant have it. I dont want to dwell to much on my feelings and lose such wonderful precious moments with the baby. This is suppose to be such a happy time. I keep busy with the baby but I cant stop feeling the emptiness that I feel. For some reason it seems a little worse now. I thank you all again for your replys take care.

Well I was waiting so long for the baby and am thrilled that he is here. I thought that I wouldnt feel this emptiness and lonliness once he came, but the last few days I have been longing for Jason so badly. I started sleeping in our bed again and it is so cold. I picture him there with me and it hurts so bad that I cant have him here. The baby brings me so much joy and I am so happy to have a piece of him here with me but He cant fill the void that was made when Jason died. I dont know I have been longing to just be held or kissed and I know I want that from Jason but I know eventually I will want that from someone again. I dont want to feel like I am settling for something less though. Jason said to me before he went for the transplant that he didnt want me lonely for long if he died he also said I dont want you to settle for someone because you deserve someone wonderful. I dont know if I can ever have what I had with Jason with someone else again. I know it is only 3 months but I feel like It has been an eternity. Well thanks for letting me vent. Take care

Well right after Jason died his mother wasnt being very helpful to me. I understood that she had a big loss as well but she was very demanding and dwelled alot on herself and how she felt. Recently she has done a complete turn around and is so wonderful to be around. I will be going back to work from my maternity leave in mid November and she is going to be my primary babysitter. I offered to help her financially when I return because I understand that she is having hardships in that area but she said absolutly not! I cant beleive it I prayed that she would be ok and God has answered my prayers. She recently seperated from her husband as well so I can understand she is feeling alot of grief. The new baby has really made her so happy too. Thank God things are getting better for her.

I also can relate. My husband had a firend he grew up with and cared about alot. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer he wouldnt call us or return our calls. We went from hanging out all the time to nothing. He came to the memorial service with his wife and said to me dont be a stranger. Weird I thought he was being the stranger. I want to tell them that I had the baby but like you have apprehensions because I dont think they want to hear from me. I dont have much of an answer since I am clueless on what I should do I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

I agree that I have heard all that was said here and more but like terry said the thing that really gets me is the people who say nothing and act like nothing happened. My husbands friend since he was 12 said it was a "bummer" what happened to my husband and I havent heard from him since.

Derek, I am so sorry you are feeling this extreme sadness. I agree that you are doing a wonderful job as a father and although your child doesnt have his mother he is lucky to have you. I get upset alot thinking of how my son will not have his dad and never met him to know how wonderful he truely was. We have so many memories to share with them though. We have been dealt an awful blow and it isnt fair. I dont think Karens job was done on earth alot of people say that but how could that be? To me a job being done would be a long life with your family and not being taken away with a wife and son or husband and son left behind. I dont know what to think sometimes. People also say " It was his time" I dont understand that either. I think of a verse from the bible I cant quite remember where I read it but it goes something like trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. That has kinda helped me not to dwell on why it happened but that it did and I just have to have faith. Well I dont know if that helps at all but I will pray that things get easier for you. Take care of yourself.

I have yet to have a good dream about my husband. I dreamt that he was angry at me for selling his truck and thinking he wasnt coming home. And every other dream of him was him laying on my couch dead. I wish a good dream would come and make me feel a liitle better. I know our dreams are our subconcious minds and that is not how they feel or are but a nice dream would let you remember the good things and not dwell on the bad. I hope you have a better dream tonight.

Jamie, Hello I am so sorry you have to be here. You are not crazy you spent practically your whole life with someone and know that someone is gone. Time is what it is to each individual person. I lost my husband to cancer and the treatments and the anxious waiting for results and then finally getting a glimer of hope and having that ripped away, it is like some kind of a sick joke. I just had our son and he brings me so much joy but when I look at him and know that he will not see his daddy or his daddy cant hold him it hurts very bad. You shouldnt feel bad about talking in front of your children you need to talk. Take care

I tried to put a pic in the attachment I hope it worked. Thank you everyone. We had a rough first night but home but tonight I had help from my mom and got some sleep. He is having a little trouble with jaundice but i started giving him some supplemental formula as the doctor wanted me to and I can already see an improvement. Thanks again Ill let you guys now how he is doing frequently.

He was 7 pounds 9 ounces and 21 inches long. He lost some weight but of course most newborns do he is now 7lb 1oz. I cant describe how happy it makes me to look in his eyes and see him looking right at me like he knows I am his mommy and I just feel so much love from him, I am so blessed. Thank you all for your kindness and caring. My only fear is that I will get post partum depression and everyone seems to think it will be alot worse for me if I get it considering my loss. So far nothing but happiness though. Take care everyone and God Bless as he has truely blessed me this week.

Hello everyone, I had my son Jason on Tues September 26 at 9:03 pm. He is so handsome and looks just like his daddy. He has light red hair lots of light red hair. Long fingers and toes just like his dad. Hes wonderful... I was fortunate to only be in labor for 7 hours with 1 hour of pushing. Not to bad for the first. I think God said she has been through so much he made it a little easier for me not saying it was a piece of cake. Thinking of everyone and hope you are all doing well.

jcknjl, It is different for everyone. I know for me it has gotten a little easier but then again you are further along than me. I am a little over 3 months. I miss my husband very much but I guess I just told myself I can sit here feeling miserable or I can do what Jay wouldve wanted me to do and try to carry on. It is very difficult and I have my days where I wont leave my house and cry all day but they have gotten less frequent. My problem now is I feel I am a begger begging for people to be around. I at times feel like a burden. Well enough about me I think it will get easier for you but everyone grieves differently. I have heard of people years out that still have a very difficult time. Take your time and be patient you will be able to breath again. Take care of yourself

Benita, I am glad you had a good trip.. It is nice to hear the wonderful things you have in your life. Sometimes when you have so much pain you forget about the fact that you have a roof over your head, food, friends and family and so many other blessings. Take care of yourself and God bless

Happy Birthday Deb, I had my first bday without him this month too.. Didnt feel much like a Bday though. Take care of yourself

Barb, I just wanted to say that I keep my husbands ashes with me at my home and they seem to bring me alot of comfort now.. I am able to go and visit with him here like others do when they go to the cemetary and in a way it is nice. I just wanted to say that in the beginning it didnt feel this way but with time it did. In time if I get up the courage I might go and spread some of his ashes in the woods where he loved to camp and hike, but right now they are comforting to me in a way.. Take care of yourself and God Bless

This experience has changed me in ways that I would never want to go back to the old me. So much wisdom and understanding comes with such an experience.

Benita, Welcome and I am sorry for your loss. I agree that getting out and doing things helps. It kept me very occupied in the first 2 months to go and just drop in on friends and family.. As time goes by being alone in your home doesnt feel as bad. I mean I would really rather have mu husband here with me more than I could ever explain but the lonliness has gotten a little better with time. I too was with my husband all the time and when we had to be apart we called each other non stop. It helps to talk with others who know how you feel.. It is still early and so new at 3 weeks and it will get worse. It gets bad when you really have to tell yourself he is not coming home that realization was horrible it felt like someone was punching me in the stomach when I thought of it. Like I said it does get easier with time but you still have bad days but eventually you will have good days too. Come back and talk and vent it really does help. Take care

Derek, You are so right. I think to myself sometimes what if I never meet Jason sure I wouldnt be greiving right now but I never wouldve experienced the greatest love I had ever felt and I have thanked God alot for having that opportunity. Take care

Kay C, I will be saying a special prayer for you. You deserve this interview to go well and I hope you get better soon. Take care of yourself and drink alot of fluids.

Still no baby yet.. My due date was the 19th they will only let me go to Oct 3 before they induce me so it has to happen soon whether he wants to come out or not. I am getting much more excited as it gets closer and I know Jason will be there with me in my heart. Take care everyone

It is so hard to be so alone. Even if you have people in your life you dont have your other half the person who completed you.. I discribe it as part of me died too. It is very hard. I agree that you have to try extra hard to find the good things about life anymore.. I fortunatly am expecting my first child anyday now so I will have that joy. It is kinda bittersweet though not havin my husband here to go through it with is gonna be tough but I thank God for this treasure everyday... I know a day will come for all of us where we can see better than anyone what is good about life. Right now it is hard to see that but someday I beleive we will.. Take care of yourself right now It really does help to talk to others who feel as you do.

Karen, I am sorry you have been having a hard time. I hear what you are saying about the 9/11 widows. I have a hard time watching such sorrow I always have but now when you can relate to the loss of a spouse I know what they are feeling and it hurts me all over again. "Living someone elses life" you hit the nail right on the head. Right now I am on maternity leave from work and have absolutly nothing going on but waiting for my son to get here. I shouldnt complain though because at least I have that which will bring me so much joy. I kinda feel like I am in a bad dream or a horror film most of my days. I wish I could wake up... Take care of yourself.

Barb, I am sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my 36 year old husband during a bone marrow transplant. It was unexpected for me too and I never had the chance to say goodbye. It is so hard and unbeleiveable. Your life is just taken from you and you have to keep on going. Our lives will never be the same. I hope you find comfort here and talking to others that have experienced that grief. Its hard to beleive that there are people out there that feel as you do but I have found so many here that do. Take care of yourself.

Kay C, Thank you for your reply. Do you know what song that was? It sounds nice and Ive always loved music to help with my emotions. I have gone out and bought so many CDs after Jason died. Mostly country CDs. A few songs I like are, " I probably wouldnt be this way"- Leann Rimes ( Idont know if I spelled that right) " He gets that from me"- Reba McIntyre Well those are just a few. I am a nurse and it really does hit home to see that he had a specimen number (as morbid as it sounds) You get used to saying "the pt with pneumonia, or the hip in room such and such,. I dont see myself doing that again any time soon. I know why my husband fouhgt to live, basically for me. He told me a few times how he wanted to give up and if he didnt have me he wouldve long ago. That kinda makes me feel bad and good at the same time. I in a way feel like all his suffering was in vain and now he is gone. I know he wouldve done it again if he could just so we would have more time together. It makes me feel good because I know he loved me so much. While he was dying he told the social worker tell her not to come... He didnt want mo to go through the pain. He was a wonderful man. Well Thank you again for your kind words. I hope you are well. Take care of yourself

I agree with you william It is very hard to see that there are others out there that feel the way you do. It seems like the world is so cruel. I hope everyone is well.