chrissy777

Kay C , We could never get tired of hearing from you, you have wonderful advice and input. Chrissy

Hello William and welcome, I am somewhat new here myself and somewhat new to widowhood. Dont feel like your loss wasnt as significant as others. You lost someone who was so important to you that you had to change your whole entire life around that is pretty significant. I am from Pennsylvania also (where I have lived my whole life) Northeastern Pa. My husband and I had Plans to move to San Antonio some day when he "got better". I lost my husband to cancer on July 5th 2006. He was getting a bone marrow transplant in Philly and had major complications he was 36 I am 24 (25 next month) Sometimes I feel like I just want to run away too, but I dont think I am strong enough to do that. Part of me wants to keep our dream of moving to Texas, butI know its just a fleeting thought. I have to say that this web site is one of the best things I have found to help me cope and I hope it helps you too. Look forward to hearing from you more and God Bless. Chrissy

Hi everyone, Its so weird to see everyone talking about the fourth of July. The day before my husband died this year. We were on the phone together because he was in the hospital getting his bone marrow transplant 120 miles away. I asked him if he could see the fireworks from his window and he was so sick he said he hadnt even looked he was just sleeping or getting sick. I never really liked the fourth of July. I mean I like to celebrate our independence but I have never been fond of fireworks I always just watched them from my window. Now I am definately sure I will never like the fourth of july again ( the celebration not the fact that we are free people). I also wanted to say that It has been little over a month for me and I do not see it getting better anytime soon so if people cant deal with that They dont have to listen but I know I will be talking about Jason and all I lost when I lost him for years to come. God bless everyone Chrissy

Deborah, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to tell you how nothing makes sense to me anymore. You think to yourself what the heck did I do to deserve this. Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I am holding my husbands hand or just think of what he looked like every detail how his nails were always so nice and trim, how his face felt so nice after he had just shaved. It is so hard I totally sympathize with you. For me it has been a little over a month and I cant even imagine it getting easier(although I know someday it just has to) Well please take some comfort in knowing that I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Take care and God bless Chrissy

Thank you Karen and everyone for your prayers and kindness, My father is home today and doing well. He has alot of recurrent medical problems diabetes, oxygen dependency, cardiac problems but for today he is okay Thank God. I guess since my mind had a rest from worrying about my father I cried so much today thinking of Jason.. I miss him soooooo much. I have been bargaining I told God I would give up everything I own live on the streets with nothing but the clothes on my back just to have my Jason back I know thats not even an option but its funny the things that pop into your head when you are so upset. I always try to think of my baby coming and it helps sometimes the pain is just too great. I feel so cheated and I dont want to sound selfish because I know how much Jason suffered I just want him back. Well I guess its safe to say this has been one of those days. Thank you all for listening God Bless and hoping tomarrow isnt one of those days.. Chrissy

Derek, I just wanted to say that I agree with John. It is very impressive to see how well you share your emotions and you give such great advice to others. I can tell you are a very caring person and your wife is probably looking down on you and is very proud of all that you are able to do during this hard time. Its hard enough to handle some of the things being thrown at you during normal circumstances, but just after losing a spouse ,It is so hard.. I will continue to pray for you and your child. It helps me so much to talk to Jason especially on a bad day and although I dont get an answer i feel he is listening to me. God Bless Chrissy777

Kay C, Just wanted to say good luck and I will be praying for you. Chrissy

Derek, I will keep you in my prayers. I hope everything goes well for you. Its so hard to do things that you used to do together alone. I never in my life imagined I would feel so much lonliness. Even when there are others around you there is a big void in you and you feel so much less of yourself. Your right about following your own advice because it has helped me. Some days are harder than others I hope your whole month isnt going to be hard on you. Good luck and God bless. Chrissy

Derek and Marty T, Thank you for your prayers my father went in for a cardiac cath today and because he is a big man it was riskier than it would be for someone else, but thank God everything went okay. It was a hard day because he is 120 miles away for that procedure and didnt want me there because he was worried about me driving that distance. Its so hard to think everything is going to be okay because that is what I thought about Jason's treatment. I miss him so much especially on days like today when I wish I could just have him hold me and tell me everything is okay. Thanks again and God Bless Chrissy

Hello every one, Thank you for all of your kindness and prayers. My father is now in the hospital and is having cardiac procedures done that ironically cannot be done locally and he has to go about 120 miles away for (pretty much the same distance of the hospital Jason was in for his bone marrow transplant when I lost him). I am worried about my father he is very scared. If everyone can say a quick prayer for him. I keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers and hope everyone is doing well. Thank you all and God Bless. Chrissy777

Shelley, I agree with Kay C that is not crazy at all. I want to be around everyone but the feeling I have sometimes is that life shouldnt be the same and everyone around me thinks it should. They may have lost there brother or there friend, or there uncle in my husband, but I lost my world, Part of me and who I am. You feel like people expect so much of you and I just want to scream sometimes nobody understands!!! That is why I want to be alone sometimes, because if no one else can understand they can just make ya feel worse because you expect them to understand. I also have to agree with Derek it is hard to find someone my age that could even begin to feel what I am feeling around me. I mean I go to a group to talk with others who have lost there loved ones and it helps but i just wish there was someone around I can relate to more. I know it doesnt matter if you lost someone you have been with for4 years or 50 we all have had that love that was taken from us and could never be replaced. I just feel very cheated sometimes because my husband was diagnosed 4 months after we were married and we tried to stay strong even though I know inside both of us were so scared. I guess we all feel cheated and that shows how much we truely loved them. It upsets me when I hear people complain about there husbands and wifes etc. My husband and I were so in love and I couldnt imagine feeling that way about him. In a way I feel sorry for those people because I had such a wonderful relationship with Jason even if it was for a short time he gave me enough love to last a life time. God bless everyone and if you can my father is in the hospital and is going to be going for cardiac procedures can you say a quick prayer for him. Thank you and God bless.. Chrissy777

Dear Karen, Hi first let me say I am very sorry for your loss. I am somewhat new to this site as well also pretty new to widowhood. I lost my husband Jason to cancer July 5 2006. I find the times I am at my best is when I keep busy, keep people around, and have things to do. The moments when I sit down and think are so hard (even though I know I must have these times whether I want to or not because it is part of the healing process). I too have a journal that helps me at times with my emotions when I feel there is no one to listen to them. I also talk out loud to my husband and like you said although there is no response at least I am letting out my feelings. Our wedding anniversary passed on july 31 (2 year) and I knew I was going to be a mess so I bought a island for my kitchen and built it, visited with my family pretty much all day and babysat for my sister. But then the time came that night when I had to sit there by myself and think I looked at our wedding photos and started the tears. I am new at this and I just know the things that help me are keeping my mind busy but always making time in my day for the grieving. Good luck to you and God bless. Chrissy777

Derek and Kay C, I totally agree with you both and ann thank you for your kind words. I was and sometimes am still a complete mess but its like your body and mind find ways to deal with it.. I too laugh and I think to myself how the heck am I laughing and I really think my husband has alot to do with that.(also the bundle of joy I am expecting next month Its funny sometimes when I think sad and emotionally upsetting things about Jason it is like the baby gives me some good kicks and says remember me I am here. I too am too young to give up my life and my days I want people to know that inside I miss and long for Jason more than I could ever express but He wouldnt want me to die with him physically or emotionally. He actually had talks with me before he went for his bone marrow transplant (you know the "God forbid" talks) and I would always try to get him to change the subject, because in my mind, even though I knew it was quite possible, he was not going to die. He would tell me I dont want you to sit around alone forever, but dont go finding yourself some loser because you are so much better than that. My thought is once you have had the best your expectations get much higher.. I was truely blessed for the time I had with Jason although short(4 years together 2 married) He gave me enough love to last a lifetime and I am forever greatful. God bless you all. And remember we are worth it to live our life and enjoy it as best we can although some days are harder than others just remember that there are many good days ahead:) Chrissy

Gabrielle, Isnt it funny how you think people are going to react and how they actually do. No one can understand what we have gone through unless they have as well. (Although I wouldnt wish this pain on my worse of enemies.) My own sister at times leaves me wondering she tries to compare me losing my husband while pregnant to her being alone while she was pregnant. She said to me remember when I was pregnant I had no one and no one called me like they call you. She is upset because my aunt from a different state has been calling me everyday since my husband died. I have learned to just roll my eyes and avoid some people. I have also come to find that some people are worth keeping around even if they dont want to listen to much at least its a distraction. Well I hope you have people around that are supportive, but its always nice to know we can come here to talk to others who care. God Bless. Chrissy

Hello again, I hope everyone is doing well I keep everyone in my prayers. I wanted to share a beautiful poem my mother gave me. She said when she was shopping it was like something was pointing her to it and I beleive that something actually someone was my husband. It made me feel like it was him talking to me. Its called WHEN TOMARROW STARTS WITHOUT ME.. When tomarrow starts without me, and Im not there to see if the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me I wish so much you would not cry the way you did today, while thinking of the many things we didnt get to say I know how much you love me, as much as I love you and each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me too. But when tomarrow starts without me please try to understand, that an angel came and called to me and gently took my hand, and said my place was ready in heaven far above, and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love. As I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye, for all my life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die. I had so much to live for and so much left to do, it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you, I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had, If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a little while, I'd say goodbye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile, Then I fully realized that this could never be, for emptiness and memories would take the place of me, When I thought of worldly things that I'd miss come tomarrow. I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heavens gates, I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me from His great golden throne, He said "This is eternity and all I've promised you. Today, for life on earth has past, here it starts anew. I promise no tomarrows, but today will always last, and since each days the same day, there's no longing for the past. You have been so faithful, so trusting, so true, though there have been times you did some things you knew you shouldnt do But you have been forgiven and now at last your free Won't you come and take my hand and share this life with me? So when tomarrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for everytime you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

Hello everyone, I got through our anniversary today by staying very busy. Its so hard to beleive only 2 years. I feel like I loved him a lifetime. I put a nice memorial in the paper for today. Funny how people around you dont like to talk about what happened. I find it so funny because for the past month I have focused so much on Jason's death and the what if's and the maybe he is coming home still. You really cant say much to people I guess people dont like to talk about such taboo things. Oh well Im glad there are places like this to talk with others who have had the same cards delt ( although it is very unfortunate that that is why we are here. God Bless Chrissy

Hi everyone, Thank you all so much for your input and kind words. I just wanted to share that I am having one of the best days so far since Jason's death. Its so weird because for the past few days I was so angry and depressed but today I was working in the babies nursery and I just feel this sense of calm and peace. I know there will be many more rough days ahead and although I feel this way today I still miss Jason sooooo much. I hope these next two months fly by so the baby will be here to keep giving me this peaceful feeling. I wish there was a way I could pass this feeling around to everyone here and who is greiveing. Take care everyone and God Bless. Chrissy

Kayc, Thank you for your response. That so far has been one of the hardest things. Even though I know my husband wouldnt wanted me to see him intubated and getting cpr. He always asked me to leave when he was getting sick and vomitting. I just feel like I wasnt doing what a wife should be doing by not being there. It upsets me because I was out enjoying myself that day shopping with my mother inlaw and sister in law. When I started to feel as though something was wrong I actually said to my in laws "I dont want Jason to die" and they were like what? Hes fine. I knew he wasnt. Weird huh? And when I called asking questions no one at the hospital had answers for me. They were quick to tell me that I couldnt talk to him. I was having trouble for a while eating while I guess that is to be expected I just cannot enjoy food. To me its like its only purpose is to keep me alive. My husband and I use to go out to eat and enjoyed food so much. All I can think about is his last week of life how he couldnt eat anything. There was a day when I was visiting him in the hospital he asked me if I could get him a cheeseburger to try. He took like 2 bites and got so very sick. Needless to say I am not fond of cheeseburgers anymore. There are many things I hate like the PA turnpike( the road traveled to the hospital and not to mentiontopick up my husbands ashes. I hate Philadelphia no offense to philadelphians there are wonderful things about it I guess if my husband died here I would hate my home. Well I guess I must be having some of that anger phase that everyone talks about. Thanks for listening God Bless Chrissy

Thank you kelly I actually went out and bought that book today. She sounds just like me. The whole felling she got as her husband was dying even though she hadnt known. I felt like someone took my breath away and all I wanted to do was talk to my husband when he started to go bad and no one would let me talk to him. I felt this at 2 pm and when I went to the hospital to see my husbands body the doctor told me he started going bad at 2pm. I knew he was going to die. No one listened to me. He was 120 miles away and I couldnt get there. It also touched me how the author writes all the thoughts that were going through her mind like did you know you were dying? Did you see death? etc. My biggest question was were you scared? I know asking myself these questions isnt going to help but I just cant help but do it. Well anyways thank you very much for the reccomendation It helped me release some tears that needed to be released today. God Bless Chrissy

Dear KayC, I can totally understand what you are talking about. My husband has only been gone since the beginning of this month and I must have needed him a million times. I never realized how much I needed him. He was my rock. If I had a question on anything I asked him. I too hate interviews and my heart goes out to you. There was one time where I went on this interview . I thought it went wonderful because Jason had me so ready for it, The clothes the talk everything I thought was all there. They never called. I called them and they just avoided me. And my husband said "Its not the job for you" The next month I found the job I have had for 3 years now and love. I hope this has helped you in some way, and good luck at the interview. Im sure George will be there with you as your guardian angel. God Bless Chrissy

Thank you all very much for your sincereity and caring. I was wondering if anyone else here had lost someone and had a very hard time dealing with the fact that you were not there when they died. This has been one of the hardest things I have had to face. I just have so many things running through my head. I never got to say goodbye. The last time my husband and I talked neither of us had any idea he was going to pass. I think in a way it makes it harder for me to say that he is gone. I also feel that I should have been there to kiss him and hold him and tell him I love him. I know I could drive myself crazy with the what ifs, but I just wanted to know if anyone had any advice on dealing with this. Thank you all again, God bless. Chrissy

Gabrielle, I am so sorry for your loss. I am 24 and just lost my husband of 2 years on July 5th 2006. I know for me one of the worst things about his death being so quick and unexpected was I didnt get the closure i feel I needed. I dont know if that was your case but I wasnt able to tell him goodbye our be with him to hold his hand as he died. People tell me how young I am and I know it doent make a difference if you were married or not when you share your entire life with someone and they are taken from you it feels like you died to, its oddbecause you have to keep on living. No one around you can truely understand how you feel. People tell me I will find someone again someday and that just seems so unbelievable because you feel you lost your one and only. Well Im sorry to go on about me. I am so sorry take care and God bless.

Lisa, I lost my husband recently and I truely feel so sorry for you. I understand what you mean. I have so many wonderful people around me but not my husband Jason. No one will ever be him. I dont think I have to much good advise because I am so newly widowed I just wanted to tell you I feel sorry for you. Take care.

Hello, I lost my husband Jason to cancer on July 5th 2006. He was undergoing a bone marrow transplant and his outlook was very good. Something went horribly wrong and he died so quickly. I am 24 years old Jason was 36. I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with our first child. I am so happy to be expecting this child but I am so sad and scared. I see all the baby shows with a mother and father and I know that I cant have that. I also feel like I didnt get any closure because it happened so quickly I couldnt be with him. All these thoughts run through my head like was he scared was he longing for me to be there. I regret not being there and telling him how much I love him and not to worry about me and the baby. I have so many things to say I could go on and on. I have never felt so alone in this world. Before I met Jason I was very independent but know I feel like I cant do anything on my own. And event though I have family and friends (Thank God) I still feel so very alone. Our wedding anniversary is next week and I am so nervous about how I wil be. I was wondering if and when it gets any easier. I know it has only been 2 weeks since he died but I feel like I have been crying and lost for an eternity. I feel so bad for everyone in here and I know its hard to make someone understand what you are going through unless they have gone through it as well. I realize that now more than ever. Well thank you all for listening and God bless