chrissy777

Thank you everyone for your replys they really did help. I know I made the choice that Jason wouldve wanted me to. Its just hard to make these choices even small daily ones without him. He was always the most worldly and smart person and made the right decisions I sometimes wonder how I make it through a single day without him and very soon I am going to have our son another human being who depends on me alone.. Its scary.. Thank you all again and take care

Yesterday I received my husbands autopsy report and it is bothering me alot. First I really wasnt too keen on giving the permission to have it done because in my eyes it didnt matter because he was gone and he died after a 2 year battle with cancer so to me it was cancer that killed him.. My husbands bone marrow transplant Dr explained to me how it could help others if they have the same fate as my husband maybe they would be able to respond quicker etc.. Well when he said that I looked at my husbands lifeless body and wanted so badly for him to give me the answer but obviously he wasnt saying anything so I had to think Jason believed when he died thathis body no longer was needed and he wanted to be cremated anyways so I very causiously said ok. They did the autopsy on July 7th and I received the report yesterday. I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I had a hard time reading the weight of his brain, liver etc.. The fact that he had a specimen number and that at the time of death he was cancer free???? We fought for 2 years to hear that and I hear that now that he is dead... He died from cardiac and pulmonary problems resulting from all the large amounts of chemo he recived and the transplant itself. I feel as though he is angry with me for giving the ok because of all they had to do to his body.. And I hated the specimen number I mean my husband was not a number and he had the most precious body I had ever layed eyes on how could I let them do that to it,...Im sorry to go on and on but I am having a hard time dealing with this..

TerryJ, I am sorry for your loss. It has been almost 3 months since I lost my husband Jason and it has been the worse 3 months of my life. I hope you can find comfort here talking to others who understand what you are going through. We are always here. Take care

JennO, I hit 39 weeks yesterday so my due date is 6 days away. I hope he gets here soon I cant wait to see him. I also get panic attacks alot lately Its weird sometimes I feel like I am forgetting something maybe its the fact that I went from spending my everyday with someone and taking care of him and now nothing. Another reason why I cant wait for the little one to come. Take care all.

Jenn O,' Im here still without the baby, but waiting. I hope the decrease in postings means everyone is doing good:) Take care all.

TerryB, It is so very hard to deal with. It has been almost the same amont of time for me My husband died on July 5th 2006. I also wouldnt let myself think my husband was going to die (we were not really expecting it but when your diagnosed with cancer I guess there is always that chance). Its hard to imagine that life is suppose to go on withou them. I know things do get easier with time. That doesnt mean your going to forget him, but I know I cant wait for the day that memories make me laugh instead of cry. I know it has helped me to talk to others that have been through what I have like on this forum, because as much as others want to try to help or understand they really cant unless they have been through it as well. Take care and God bless

I second that.. How do you start a new life when all you know and had is ripped away from you in an instant.... too weird.

Cant tell, First let me say I am inspired by how strong you are. I also wanted to add that when my husband was dying (which was unexpected although he did have cancer his death was quick and we thought he was going to recover well) I wanted to be with him and tell him I loved him which I never got the chance to do. It bothered me for a while. It also bothered me that he told the social worker in the hospital tell her not to come. I wanted to be there, but now I realize he wanted to spare me the extra grief of seeing him intubated and so sick. Thank you for your posts I was reading them and they truely bring me comfort. Take care and God bless.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I dont know why I let it bother me that I should be worse off or something I mean Jay wouldve wanted me to be okay not a mess. I know he knows how much I love him and always will. Its so hard to see my future without him. I never imagined raising our child alone. It scares me alot! I just want to be the best mother I can be and sometimes I feel I cant be that without Jason. He always had the answers for everything and knew what to do. I guess I am feeling "worse" today. Not to mention today was my Birthday and I would think about all the wonderful things he would do to celebrate with me and now it just seems purposless to celebrate today. I was kinda giving the baby a pep talk trying to get him out today, but no luck. Oh well thanks again And that book sounds nice I have been trying to read things to help with the bad days so I should try that book.

Brooke, I can relate I am 38 weeks pregnant with our son. I get so scared about how I am going to handle this on my own or am I going to be able to raise our son the way Jay wouldve wanted me to. It is very scary! I know what you mean about always having a part of him with you this does bring me some comfort. I hate the way people automatically assume when I go to the OB doctor that because my husband isnt there I choose to be a single mom or something. I tried to go to a lamaze class and lasted through2 of the 4 classes because while everyone elses coaches where there sig others I had my sister in law. (not that i didnt appreciate her being there it just hurts) I hate to think there are other people out there that have to suffer as much as me because I wouldnt wish this on my worse enemy. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi everyone, I have been asking myself this question alot lately. I lost my husband a little over 2 months ago and I seem to be functioning ok. I mean I am not who I was with him I feel like I have been reborn into a new person or something. I had a old friend call me who I havent spoken to in almost 2 years (she called because she ran into my sister who told her about my husband) , and she said I sound wonderful. I told her I have my moments. I hate when people tell me I sound or look good because I feel guilty like I should be worse or something. I had another friend tell me you are doing so much better than I did when I lost my mother. (I thought that was kinda insulting) I want to feel the way I use to but in order for that to happen I would need Jay here which isnt happening so I guess I kinda told myself your life has changed and deal with it. I dont think I would be this good if I wasnt pregnant.(38 weeks today) I love my husband very much and miss him more than anyone saying these things to me could ever imagine. I mean what do you do when you have your whole life as it is ripped away from you? Well thanks for listening. Take care everyone.

WaltC, The lyrics are beautiful. Have you heard the song by Brad paisely and Dolly Parton "When I get where I'm goin" That song has come on a few times after my husband died and it touches me everytime. Thanks for sharing that beautiful song.

Erika, I agree with Derek dont blame yourself. I did that for a while over certain things and it drove me crazy. It really does help to share with others or even just read what they write because there are so many times where I think no one can possibly be feeling this, but unfortunatly they are. Welcome and I hope it helps talking to others here and sharing your thoughts whatever they may be

Thank you Karen and Ericka, I have a very difficult time with parting with anything. I had to sell the truck it just was going to be a financial burden on me especially with the baby coming. Plus I wont be bothered with people who want to borrow it anymore. I do realize that we had so many memories in the truck that I can keep with me in my heart. Plus my uncle will have it if I ever want to see it. I hear alot of people who are alot further out then me still having alot of the problems I have. When does it get easier? I want the day to come where I dont replay his death in my head over and over. I guess its still just so hard to beleive he has been dead for 2 months or that he is even dead for that matter. Thank you again for your posts it helps

Adora, I am sorry you experienced two hard losses so close together. I love my father very much and just recently after my husbands passing had a scare where he was in the hospital. I am sure he is watching over you during this difficult time. There are a lot of books that help people who are greiveing and they are focused on many different losses. I mainly focused on books that were for widows but I know I saw books on the death of a parent or child at the bookstore. It helped me alot to read and talk. Welcome to the group and I hope it helps you. Take care

Thanks for the reply Derek, Thats nice that you were able to give your wifes clothes to your mother. It was hard today driving up the street and not seeing Jays truck there in front. So many memories, but Im glad it is going to someone who can take care of it well. I sure cant right now. Thanks again

Gaby, Congratulations. I can relate with you on completeing things and it just seems meaningless sometimes. I have been taking courses to further myself in nursing which Jason encouraged me to do and I never wouldve started if it were not for him. Now i take these tests and I am so used to getting in my car right after and calling Jay to tell him how I did now there is no one to call. Things like this send me into a crying frenzy driving home and it just seems so unfair. I wish I could tell you everything will be alright but thats what people tell me and I am also 2 months out and hate hearing that. All I can say is I will be thinking of you. Take care Chrissy

Hello everyone, This week has been hectic for me. I received news on my husbands autopsy which said he died from severe hemmhorage in his lungs and heart damage. Ironically there were no signs of cancer in his body at the time he died. It was kind of hard to hear this but also it kind of helped a little. Hearing how he died made me realize there was nothing I could do or anyone else for that matter. For a while I was struggling with well wasnt there more that couldve been done, it just doesnt seem real sometimes. I know I have his ashes here but I still feel sometimes like I can go and pick him up from the hospital or he is going to be walking through the door. The other night I had a dream and it felt so real. I had a dream that my father called me and said where have you been Jason has been trying to get a hold of you to pick him up from the hospital. When I woke up I seriously had to tell myself he was gone cause I was about to make the 3 hour drive to go get him. Weird huh? Today I also sold his truck to my uncle which I am kind of glad about because I know he will take good care of it, but again it is another finalizing thing. The baby is due soon and I hope that having him around is going to keep me occupied as I go through all of this stuff. Oh yeah I also had another big breakthrough I put away Jays toothbrush (not threw away I couldnt do that I put it away) I can just hear what Jay would say to me right now " Chrissy what are you going to do with that toothbrush" Take care and God Bless

Derek, I just wanted to tell you I agree about the nightime being the hardest time. When its just you and your thoughts and memories. I cant wait until the day where the memories make me laugh instead of cry. I too think sometimes I want to be with my husband, but then I also think like you said God has a plan for me. I dont think I will ever understand why I was given such a beautiful gift in my life just to have it taken away(so young and so soon) But I guess I will find out someday. I hope things get better for you and I feel terrible for all who have to be here. I also just wanted to add that I have read alot of your posts Derek and I think you are a strong person you will get through this we all will. I read a book recently someone told me to read and it helped me alot because you read it and you can relate with her and all the emotions she felt everyday, but the part that really helps me is that twoards the end of the book she started to find hope and was a able to start her new life, which is what I beleive we have to learn to do because obviously our lives have been dramatically changed. The book ways called "companion through the darkness, inner dialouges on grief" by Stephanie Erickson. I dont know if it would help you but I know you have a child and she does touch on that a little. You are in my prayers Take care and God bless Chrissy

Deborah, One of the hardest things for me was Jason died in the hospital and I called him every 2 hours to check on him and the morning after the day he died I found it so hard not to pick up the phone and try to call his hospital room. It is very hard and it makes me scared because I just lost him last month and I hear people who are months even years out still feeling what I am feeling.. When is this going to be over I constantly ask myself. I dont know. God Bless Chrissy

Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. I feel a little better tonight It was just so hard to see the videos with me and Jason so alive and so in love. I think we were so much in love in the beginning when the videos were taken and back then you expressed it more. When you get married you usually expect the other person to know you love them and Jason showed me all the time. In the beginning of our relationship I just remember thinking how much I was in love like never before and it really comes out in those video tapes. Thank you all again. Chrissy

This has been one of the worse days yet. I found some of our old videos from past Christmas's and when we were first dating I feel like I am going out of my mind. I want him back so bad it is killing me. This isn't fair! I hate this feeling of supreme severe lonliness. I know the baby will be coming soon and I hope I feel better so I can manage taking care of him let alone myself. I have a test to take next week for my at home schooling and I cant bring myself to sit and study all I can so is cry and hurt. Thank you all for listening. I hope no one else is feeling this way today. Chrissy Jason my heart is bleeding and I am incomplete I want you here!! Please God give me peace.

Jenn, I can relate to you in some ways. My husband had cancer but his death was very unexpected. He too had to be intubated and have cpr performed on him. I didnt know until now why they keep the tube in after his death they wanted to ask me if they could do a autopsy and I said yes. With no results of that yet I am afraid to find them out. I saw my husband 2 hours after his death because I had to travel a long distance(he was hospitalized for a bone marrow transplant at the time) It was hard to hold his hand like you said it wasnt him it was cold. I kissed his cheek and that too was so cold. I am pregnant with our first child a boy (35 weeks) Right now it is hard for me because it is like I am in limbo no longer with Jason but waiting on our son. Like you said I know our children our a blessing and truely what keeps us going. I know this is a very hard time for all of us. I cant wait to hold my child and see parts of my husband in him. What a gift our husbands have given us. I am sorry for your loss I think there is a reason we have our little ones I cant imagine how much harder this would be if we didnt conceive before his death. I think it is good to keep busy but to have time set aside to cry each day or remeber things. I started a memory box for my son and keep mementos of his father in there and soooo many pictures. I think there are things that we do forget and that scares me but there are also so many wonderful memories to share. Take care and God bless Chrissy

Walt, That was beautiful how lucky your wife and you were to share such a beautiful love. Chrissy777

Hello Brook, I cant even begin to tell you how happy I am that I am pregnant. Like you I feel this little one is going to save my life. I am 24 and am going to be 25 soon. My baby is due in September. Your baby is so young. I pray that my baby is the spitting image of my Jason. Thank you for the IM I am so sorry you have to be here but am glad you are. It has helped me to talk to others who know how I feel and are so supportive. God Bless you and your child. Chrissy777