Leann

Hi, shubom: I have my days where the loneliness is excruciating (I'm 43, single, no kids, but would love to have a family someday) and I remember telling friends right after Dad died that I felt "like an orphan." I think sometimes being single is a lonely experience even in the best of times, let alone working through the loss of a loved one. I'm feeling scared about a future without my Dad. I still have my Mom, but I'm clinging to her for dear life and probably driving her crazy. From what I've been reading and learning from folks on this site, these feelings aren't uncommon. Please just know that you're not alone...I'm thinking of you and praying for you. Leann

Hi, thartz: I think men and women just grieve differently. My brother doesn't say too much; he has thrown himself into his work (we have a farm...he also has a night job). He doesn't want to go to a support group. But he will read the bereavement literature I bring him from my group, so I just make sure I get doubles of everything. I, on the other hand, have gone through the numbness, crying, depression etc. I'm sure my brother is grieving our Dad just as much as I am. He is just expressing it in a different way. Perhaps it is the same for your husband. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann P.S. Thank you for the letter, Marty. It is helpful to me as well.

Hi, lorikelly: For about a month and a half after my Dad died, I had my days and nights all mixed up. During the day, I would either sit in my Dad's rocking chair and rock all day (I felt that numb) or curl up in a ball on my bed and sleep all day. Then at night, I would start to think about things and be up all night crying. Sometimes, I would feel so keyed up, I would get up and vaccum, journal, etc. I finally realized I needed to do something, so I went to my doctor and got some anti-depressants; I had to be somewhat ready to face my students when school started. After about two weeks, I began to feel like I could lay down and rest at night, even though I didn't go to sleep. Just here lately, I'm beginning to be able to sleep through the night. So my days and nights are beginning to be in order again. I'm glad I did it. So if you think you need to do it, talk to your doc. I also have a wonderful guided imagery CD by Belle Ruth Knaperstack (not sure of the spelling on the last name) about easing grief and I use it a lot. It's comforting to me...sometimes I just play it over and over. That may sound silly...but it helps. If you try the medium, please let me know how it works out for you. I know what you mean....more than anything, I'd like to hear from my Dad and for him to tell me that he'll always be with me. I've heard some folks say they've been able to see departed loved ones in dreams, but I've not experienced that. Other than the night I saw the star, I haven't "heard" from my Dad. And that bothers me a lot. I went to the cemetery this weekend to see him and talk to him. That helped me some. My brother and I got his stone picked out and paid for this weekend as well....so it will be in before winter time. That will help me also. I guess I just want his reassurance right now.... You and your beloved Spanky continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Leann

Hi, everybody... My Dad's birthday will be coming up November 1st. This will be the first of my first anniversary days. I'm trying to find a way to let my Dad know I remembered his birthday. I was shopping at my local Wal-mart this evening, looking for a birthday card for a friend of mine. Anyhow, I saw (by chance) a beautiful birthday card for a Dad, which truly spoke to me. I bought it just because I liked it (pretty silly, huh?); I would like to "send" it to my Dad. Any suggestions? Yesterday, I had one of my students come up to me; he shared with me that it was the fifth anniversary of his aunt's death and he was having a hard time (she was a young women killed in a auto accident). I gave him a big hug and told him that yes, anniversary days can be hard and to come see me anytime that day he felt he needed a hug. Before my Dad's death, I would have felt for this little boy,of course, but yesterday was different. I don't know how to describe it....just suffice it to say my heart hurt for him in a way I wouldn't have understood before Dad died. I felt like we had an even deeper bond now. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Penny, My goodness.....I can't even begin to imagine what must be going through or find adequate words to comfort you. Please know you're in my prayers each night. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Hi, Shelley... I don't think you're being rude at all.....please don't worry. I had a two week stretch recently where I felt like I was angry at everything and everyone. My tolerance for even minor irritations set me off and I hated it because that just isn't my personality (normally). This week,though, I seem more tired than anything else; I'm wanting to sleep a lot and want to be alone a lot. It just seems like interacting with others takes soooo much energy right now. I guess we're all just going to have to go slowly and take one day at a time. Take good care. Leann

Hi, Adora: I'm relatively new to this site myself, as I lost my Dad on Father's Day. He and I were very close, much like you and your Dad. Not only did I lose an awesome father, but I also lost my best friend. It sounds like your Dad was a pretty awesome guy, too. I'll echo what others have said....try not to be so hard on yourself. I'm finding all this to be soooo exhausting (I was in bed by 6pm last night ). Do what you have to do right now for yourself. This group is wonderful; we're all here for you and for each other. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Hi, everyone: Thanks so much for all the reading suggestions. Reading, as well as journaling, has been very helpful to me right now. I had a big old backslide this past week. I'm an elementary school teacher and my school district resumed classes last week after being off for the summer. My Dad would always call me the evening of the first day, just to see how my first day went, what my students were up to, etc., etc. I didn't have that this year...haven't known what to do with myself since. I've been irritable and out of sorts. Is this an indication of what is to come with all the "firsts" (his birthday is November 1st, and Christmas is coming....)? I've felt exhausted all day today; only went out to grocery shop, then slept all day. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Kathy.... We're here for you. I'm relatively new to this group myself and everyone has been so nice. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Thank you for your message of hope, Charlie. I'm so glad you're feeling better. Right now, it's hard for me to believe that things will get better, so hearing from you helped. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Rayon.... I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad on Father's Day this year, so I empathize with your feelings. Even though my Dad and I were really close, there are some things I feel guilty about and would have done quite differently if I had them to do over again. I also feel sooooo guilty for not being with my Dad when he died; I was enroute home for Father's Day However, I don't think any relationship is ever perfect.....we're human beings with all our faults and foibles. It's a good thing we have a powerful thing called forgiveness. I continue to tell my Dad on a daily basis that I love him. I'm so glad you found this site. This is the one place I feel there are people who truly understand what I'm feeling. We're all here for you. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Hi, everybody... I writing this post as I leave for work....the past couple of days have been hard ones. I'm sooooo tired; it's taking everything I have to get up and go to work this morning. I would just love to stay home and sleep today, but I know that's not good. Work is a lonely place these days. Some of my colleagues are avoiding me.....some are walking on eggs shells....I know it's because it's hard for them to know what to do right now, but it makes things even lonelier for me. There's a small group that came to Dad's visitation and have been supportive all the way through, so I tend to turn to them more. All of this is just so exhausting. Hugs to all, Leann

I'm so sorry, Lorikelly....I'll be sure to keep you and Spanky in my prayers. My Dad's dog, Pepper, died two days after Dad's funeral....it just doesn't seem to stop, does it? Pepper was 15 years old, but hadn't been sick. I just think he knew Dad was gone and had a broken heart. He went everywhere with my Dad as he did chores around the farm. I'm very sure that they're together right now. Hugs to you and Spanky, Leann

Hi, everybody... This is a point I haven't crossed yet, so I appreciate reading everyone's ideas. My Dad's birthday is November 1st and mine is November 10th, and we always celebrated together. This year he isn't here and I'm dreading it...so this is good (I can get some ideas of how to celebrate in mind before it comes upon me). A friend of mine gave me a "Circle of Life" necklace with November's birthstone inside it. I was truly touched. It reminds me that my Dad is still with me. Hugs, Leann

Thanks, Lorikelly...I really needed to hear this today. You're a sweetheart to share it with us. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Lori.... I wish I knew how some folks seem to do it so quickly. I'm an absolute mess tonight. It just seems like there has been so much death all around me the past six months (we lost my uncle in April, then a close family friend who was like my second mother to me in May, my Dad's closest friend died also in May, then my Dad, Dad's dog Pepper died two days after Dad's funeral, then we lost Dad's cousin two weeks after Dad, now two close friends in the last two weeks). It has seemed like just as I begin to feel better, I get hit again. The whole rest of the world just seems way too happy going about its business and I'm here wondering if I'll be able to trust life again. Perhaps Derek is right....some of these speedy people may not have truly dealt with their feelings. So it must be like the fable of the tortoise and the hare. We may be slow movers, Lori, but I'm told I'll be better off when I come out on the other side if I do take all the time I need to do what I feel I need to do. I would also like to add that I think men and women grieve differently. My brother Doug misses my Dad every bit as much as I do (and I'm sure he has his moments when he's alone with his thoughts). But he's pretty practical about everything. Whenever anyone asks how he's doing, he'll say, "trying to adjust to life without Dad" or "tring to adjust to the new normal." He shared with me the other day that he expects Dad to come driving in the driveway any minute; but he knows things are going to be different. So now whenever anyone, other than a close friend that I trust, asks how I'm doing I take a page from Doug's book and say, "trying to adjust to the new normal." Take good care. Leann

Hi, everyone... Here I am, awake and on a crying jag. I can't seem to stop crying this evening. And I have to be to work tomorrow (I'm a teacher and have been off for the summer). I have to face a classroom full of children and for the first time in my teaching career, I don't feel in charge. I just finished writing a letter to my Dad in my journal; when I do that, I feel as though I'm talking to him. In some ways, that helps.....and in some ways, it's too painful. I'm such a mess. Leann

Hi, Shelley... Scrapbooking is awesome! The albums that you have put together are something special. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Beth... I hadn't thought about a quilt...that's a neat idea, too. We have a lot of my Dad's clothing; my brother and I can't bear the thought of giving them away. Perhaps a quilt for my Mom, brother, and I each made from his shirts would be nice. Thanks so much for the idea. Leann

Hello everybody... I was wondering if anyone has seen or made a Memory Bear or something similar. I have a pair of bib overalls of my Dad's as well as several of his bandanna hankies (he always carried on in the top pocket). I'd like to take those and make a bear from them. I've seen websites for a couple of folks who make them, but I think it would mean even more to me if I made it myself. I was online last night and found a lot of teddy bear patterns, but they didn't seem to be quite what I was looking for (besides, it will have to be simple...I'm not too terribly crafty ) Have any of you made these before and have instructions? Or perhaps a different, yet creative idea? Thanks a heap! Leann

Thanks for the suggestion, Paul. That's certainly an idea to check Barnes and Noble. I've been browsing around Amazon.com tonight. I found a couple of things there. One title I think will meet my needs; I don't think the second one will at least at this point. I know society's expectations of men are pretty unrealistic in certain situations. Whoever wrote the rule that it's "unmanly" to show emotion is full of baloney. Take care. Leann

Thanks, Lori...I lost my Dad on Father's Day (not too long after your post), so I truly appreciate your kind words. I still have my Mom yet, so I'll be sure to give her an extra hug when Mother's Day comes around again....in memory of your Mom. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Kathy, I just logged on this evening (couldn't sleep) and saw your kind post. Isn't it so special...what we had with our Dads? He was just my best friend. You Dad sounds like he was pretty awesome, too. Hugs, Leann Hi, Shelley... What a neat post about you're Mom's chair. It no doubt was your Mom giving you a hug. I'm beginning to feel that our loved ones do communicate with us, not in a physical way anymore, but a spiritual way (if we're attuned to it). I always tell my Dad "love you Dad" every night before I go to sleep and I get that warm feeling, too. Take care. Leann

Hi, Lori.... I truly feel for you. Evenings and weekends are hard for me too. Evenings are hard because that's when my Dad and I usually talked. So I have been reaching out to other family members; my brother Doug and I have been talking on a regular basis at this time of night. We've become even closer. My Mom is still living and is in the nursing home; I go and spend time with her. As for my weekends, I fall back on my hobbies. Sometimes, I go home to our family farm and garden. I love being outside. I've also been doing a lot of writing. I have been looking for meditation books relating to fathers and daughters and grieving. Right after Dad died, I went to a Christian bookstore looking for such an item. The clerk was very kind and tried to help me....but she couldn't find anything in print. I started to cry....there were all kinds of books in their grief section for sons who lost their fathers, daughters who lost their mothers, children who have lost grandparents, etc. But I felt like there was nothing for me and that felt so lonely. As I was driving down the street a few moments later, with tears streaming down my face, I had a thought.....there's no doubt other daughters who have felt this way; why not write something??? So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to continue with my journaling and, when I'm feeling better, put it together in daily meditation form, and geared toward daughters who have lost their fathers. In this way, I hope to use my grief in order to be a blessing to others. It's hard reaching out now, I know...there are times when all I want to do during the day is curl up and sleep for a million years. But I'm trying my best to stay connected to my family and I have several dear friends that I trust. And that takes everything I have some days. I'm grateful that I've found my new friends on this board. I steer clear of the people who tell me that I should be "over it" by now. I have found that the people who tell me that usually still have both of their parents living and have no idea what this is like. My berevement counselor advised me today to be true to myself and my feelings. I've rambled and I apologize. It's just that my heart is aching for you. If you have some hobbies, perhaps some of those will help you. And you have your family..honor your Dad by cherishing them. Take good care. Lots and lots of hugs, Leann

Hi, Paul.. You said exactly what I couldn't put into words. I fear that as I age and my own memory dims, I will forget. I'm so thankful that I have lots of pictures of my Dad (just no videos; he wasn't one for "all this modern technology"). The journaling has helped me a great deal...I hadn't thought of scrapbooking (think I'll look into learning how). I still speak of my Dad in the present tense; can't bring myself to talk about him in the past. Thank you so much everybody for all of your good ideas. You all are such a blessing. Leann