Leann

Hi, Shelley: This isn't wierd at all...not at all. I come from a family of huggers, as well. I miss giving my Dad his zerburts, too! When I was anxious or scared, I used to put my head on his shoulder. I miss that so much. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Taika: I'm so sorry for your losses. My cousin Kim can really relate to what you're feeling. She lost her Dad (my uncle) in March and then her Mom (my aunt) about 3 weeks ago. I lost my Dad in June and I'm clinging to my Mom for dear life (I think I'm driving her crazy ). Just when you think you've turned a corner, you get broadsided again. I've found a lot of comfort at Marty Ts grief healing website as well as this discussion board. Her site has a lot of books, articles, inspirational quotations.....just about everything. You might try there for some more information. I log on here just about every evening. Sometimes I don't post anything, just read. Just knowing that there are other people out there in similar situations and experiencing similar emotions is a great comfort to me. At least I know I'm not losing my mind and what I'm feeling is pretty much normal. It just doesn't feel so pretty good. Take care....I'll be praying for you. Leann

Hi, Charlie: How are you doing today? Like Derek, I'm new at this. I get frustrated with the roller coaster ride, and my bereavement counselor keeps telling me to be patient and gentle with myself. Maybe one of this days, I'll get that through my head. Take care. Your'e in my prayers. Leann

Hi, Lori: I'm sorry to hear you've been having a tough time lately. I think of you a lot; I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It has seemed to me lately that things are getting worse for me instead of better. Do you think it's because we're coming up on the first holidays without our folks? My Dad's birthday is coming up on November 1st, so maybe that has a little bit to do with my situation. I just know the loneliness feels excruciating and the world is a much scarier place to me. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Hi, Derek:I pretty much have problems at night, regardless of what night of th week it is! I'm pretty sleepy and tired during the day and I think I should be able to sleep at night. Then when nighttime comes, I'm all keyed up. So I get up and journal or check on my online family, too. After a while, I can get some rest. Take care. Leann

Hi, Daddyslilgirl: I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad in June (on Father's Day. Not only did I lose and awesome Dad, but I lost my best friend in the world. Like you and your Dad, we talked daily; now that I don't have that, I feel adrift. It sounds like we both truly have special gifts in our Dads. I'm so glad you found this group; it truly helps me a lot. When I feel folks around me don't understand, I can't wait to get to my computer and talk with my online family about it. I know they truly undertand. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Kasey: I'm truly sorry for your loss. Losing a parent, regardless of age, is a huge event; we are our parents' children no matter how old (or young) we get. When I lost my Dad this past June, I went to bookstore after bookstore, looking for materials about daughters losing a father. I found very little. There were tons of information about other situations, but not much about the one I'm in. That felt very lonely and I cried right in the middle of the bookstore. It hurts because it felt like nobody was taking into account my situation. So I'm going to try and write a book about my Dad when I'm feeling better. Perhaps it will help someone else when they've lost their Dad. I'm so glad you joined our group; people here are so understanding. Just please know we're here for you and we will do our best to listen, understand, and help. Hugs, Leann

Hi, everybody: It's so good to be back on here. I wondered everyday how everybody was doing. It sounds like we're all pretty much in the same boat right now with the holidays coming and all. I'm glad to hear about your support group, lorikelly. Hopefully you will find companionship and comfort there. I really admire your courage; you've had to keep going for your boys and I know it's taking everything you've got right now. It's taking everything I've got to keep myself going and I don't have children. They sound like such good boys. Was thrown for a loop today....went on a short outing to the grocery store. Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" came on the radio station they had playing. It was one of the songs we used on Dad's DVD at his funeral. I couldn't handle it. I left my cart full of groceries in the middle of the aisle and ran out of the store crying my eyes out. Just couldn't take it.....I didn't go back. Just came home. Love to all, Leann That's for sure...I think the stress of grieving makes one feel more run down and more susceptible to a "bug." That in turn makes one more depressed. It's a vicious circle sometimes. I'm truly ready for sunny skies. I truly appreciate your prayers and support. Love, Leann

Hi, everybody: This is the first day I've been on my computer for a while....I've been in the hospital with double pnemonia. This is the first day I've felt like even turning on my computer in a while. I can really relate to what lorikelly was saying about not being sure what she's waiting for. For me, I've been worrying all the time and I'm not sure what about. On top of that, the seeing all the Christmas stuff out in the stores has reminded me that the holidays are coming.....Doug and I just took down our tree in July. When Dad was so sick last December, we made a pact as a family that we wouldn't celebrate Christmas until he came home. About two weeks after Dad died, Doug finally said, "You know, Sis....Dad isn't coming home. Looking at this stuff is depressing. We need to take it down." I agreed with him, so we opened our presents....I took the tree up to our attic and put huge garbage bag over it to protect it from the dust and dirt. I didn't and still don't have the energy to take it down. The thought of putting up a tree makes my stomach churn. Doug feels the same way, so we're just not going to do it this year. I'm just soooo tired......tired of just turning a corner and being broadsided by something else. This is all I can muster for now.....take good care everybody. Leann

Marty: Thanks for reminding us that these articles are here! I'm so tired that I sometimes forget there are many, many resources for support and comfort that I can tap into. I've been reading some of them this evening and printed several out to re-read later. They've been a good place for me to start. Hugs to everybody, Leann

Thank you so much for mentioning this, Marty....I went to your site this evening and read some of the articles. I printed some of them out to re-read later. They are a very good place to start for ideas and comfort. Hugs, Leann

Hi, Derek: I'm in the process of trying to figure that one out myself. Today I had to pick up some things for my Mom at my local Wal-Mart and I saw they're beginning to put the Christmas stuff out now. I took a deep breath and sighed....I'm just not ready for that one yet, but ready or not, I'll have to try and make the best of things. It was last December 14th that Dad had his stroke. I was with him at the hospital on Christmas while my brother was home looking after our Mom. He and I talked about Thanksgiving this year and what we were going to do, so it's on his mind as well. The only thing we do know is that we're going to hang together. I've just been so exhausted lately...been dong a great deal of sleeping. It takes everything I have to get through my work day, then I crash when I come home. So I hadn't thought too much about the holidays. My bereavement counselor is going to begin that part of our sessions with me tomorrow, so I'll be happy to share anything I learn. Hugs to all, Leann

Hi, shell: I truly like your swiss cheese analogy....thank you! I had never thought of greiving in that way, but it seems to be so true. Hugs, Leann

I understand completely how you must be feeling. I've had a similar day like that myself today (part of it may be because my aunt's funeral was yesterday). My family continues to grow smaller and smaller; that thought scares me through and through. Since I'm single and don't have a family, the world seems as though it's an even lonelier place. I miss my Dad so much at times I feel as though I can't breathe. When that feeling hits me, especially late at night, I log on to this discussion board. Sometimes I don't leave a post; I just read. It truly comforts me to know that there are others who are feeling similarly. This is a very caring place. Sometimes I journal...I write my Dad lots of letters to share with him what's going on with me. That's become much like our daily telephone conversations used to be for me. I now try to do it around 7 pm...that's when we would most often talk. It seems to help me enourmously. Sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes out to eat with friends. We care about you...you'll get lots of "cyber hugs" and prayers here whenever you need 'em. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Thanks so much everybody. My aunt's funeral was yesterday. I knew it would be hard, but I just wasn't prepared for how bad my aunt looked. The Alzheimer's Disease had overtaken her. My cousin told me things had gotten to the point where she couldn't eat and she hadn't had solid food for the past two weeks. They had been attempting a liquid diet with her, but a person can only last so long on that. My rational mind knew Aunt Betty had been sick for a long time;my cousin and I talk on a regular basis. So I thought I was relatively prepared for this one. However, when I walked up to her casket to see her, I felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach yet again. Aunt Betty was always a rather robust, spunky gal....now she looked like she weighed a hundered pounds, if that much. So I'm doing my best to hold on to the memory of that spunky, opinionated gal. Alzheimer's is such a cruel disease. I took another day off of work today....I am just exhausted again. Hugs to all, Leann

Dear Donnadot, I lost my Dad in June and I'm still waiting to see him in my dreams as well. This is upsetting to me, because we were so close. I desperately want his reassurance that he's still with me and watching over me. Leann

Hi, Kitkat... I lost my Dad on June 18th of this year (Father's Day). I can't describe to you the loneliness I feel. I miss him so much that I feel like someone has hit me in the stomach and I can't breathe. I'm glad you found this site....everyone here is so nice. We're here for you. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Hi, everybody: My aunt passed away yesterday afternoon around 4 pm. She had been sick for so long. My brother and I told our Mom this morning and she didn't seem surprised. Hopefully, she's doing ok. Hugs to all, Leann

Hi, all.... I nap many after noons after I get home from school. It's simply exhausting to do even the basic things I have to do during the day. I think I'm sleeping better at night, but it's with the help of a nerve pill my doctor perscribed me. It's not a deep sleep, but I think I at least rest. I relish every opportunity to rest. Hugs to all, Leann

Thanks for your support, everyone. I'm so sorry that all these bad things have happened to all of us. My Dad used to say that it takes all kinds to make a world. He would also tell me to remember that there are also good people in the world (such as on this discussion board!) and to focus on and cherish those. Thanks for your advice, Marty....I plan to write a letter to my dentist, but I'm far too upset to do it right now. I have the incident documented to refer to later when I'm ready to write. Love to all, Leann

Hi, lori... Thanks for your reply. That's pretty much my take on it, too. Hugs, Leann

I just got off the phone with my cousin Kim. She called to tell me that her Mom (my Mom's sister) is not doing well at all and the doctor has said that it's only a matter of time. According to Kim, Aunt Betty is pretty much just breathing right now. First my Uncle Paul (my Aunt Betty's husband) passes away in April of this year, next was the lady who was like my second mother to me, then my Dad in June, and now possibly my Aunt Betty. All I could say was oh no, oh no.... This will make my Mom the last living member of her family. What will we tell her.....how will we tell her? She just lost my Dad.....My mind is just spinning right now.... I feel like I'm losing my family right and left. Leann

I do this all the time. My Dad and I talked on a daily basis; I either called him or he called me. I really miss those talks. I've picked up the phone several times since June to call him. His voice is still on the answering machine at our farm and I won't let my brother change it (and he doesn't want to). So I call the homeplace a lot just to hear the answering machine pick up. Hugs, Leann

Hi, thartz.... I spent the entire weekend this past weekend in bed; I felt that exhausted. I keep my committments to a minimum and use my small energy reserve to what I have to do (work, family) and put everything else on the back burner until I'm feeling better. If it can wait....it does. I rest when I feel I need to. I'm feeling stronger than I did a month ago, but it's slow going. Wishing you comfort and peace, Leann

Hi,everyone: Something really upset me today and I need to vent. When I arrived home from school today, I received a phone call from my parents' dentist office. My mother had an appointment there to get her partial replaced today and the nursing home where she resides took her for her appointment. The receptionist called to tell me that Mom hadn't had dental coverage since June 19th (my Dad worked for the University of Illinois and was a state of Illinois employee....his benefits were through the state of Illinois and Mom was on his insurance with him). I told her, "I guess you don't know that my Dad passd away. I also said this could not be possible....right after Dad passed away, Doug and I initiated the paperwork in order to report his death and so Mom could have her widow's benefits. Those benefits included her health insurance, dental insurance, and vision insurance. The receptionist said, "Oh, I guess I should give them your Mom's social security number rather than your Dad's." I said, "That might make difference," and thought to myself "Duh!" This woman didn't miss a beat.....didn't even say "I'm sorry for your loss." All she was concerned about was getting the money. So she told me she'd call the insurance company and call me back. I said OK. About five minutes later, my phone rang again and she sounded all chipper. She says "That's awesome...they'll pay 100%!" I said, "Well, I was gonna say....." Then she says something that really got me. She goes, "We see so many patients, we can't be expected to keep track of everyone who passes away. We once had one lady who worked here in the office who checked the paper each night for patient obituaries, but we just don't have that kind of time." I said, "Well, one thing is for sure...my Dad won't be coming in again." She then said, "We'll pull his card." Just real matter-of-factly....we'll just pull his card. All my Dad was to her was a card....and that really hurt! I've been crying my eyes out all evening. I'm a patient of this particular dentist as well....this makes me want to switch dentists! Thanks for letting me get this out. Hugs, Leann