shalady

Butch, I know this is one of the hardest days in the world. Unfortunately, well meaning people do say those things. When they have done that with me I just try to think they do mean well. But today will be for and about Mary. You can put everything else aside if you can. Your strength is just resting, reserving for when you need it. Rest while you can and I do hope you are feeling better. Remember Mary is with you today and always. Don't be scared, we are all here thinking of you and praying for you. We all wish we could reach out and lend an arm of support, a hug. You are not alone. I am praying for your strength and comfort. Shalady

So very sad. My husband died suddenly. He had many health issues but none of them life threatening. He had a stomach ache that lingered until the next day. His nurse sent us to the ER in light of his many health problems. All his blood work came back ok and the plan was to admit him and do an endoscope the next morning. While we were waiting to move to a room he started throwing up blood. He went unconscious and they put him on ventilator but the stress of all that stopped his heart. They kept bringing him back with CPR but told me it was not good, that it was torture to him. They brought me in the room to show me and I had to let them know they could stop. They sad it was a ruptured esophagus. That is the first time I have told that. Maybe it is part of my therapy for grief. I really am glad he is not suffering anymore. He was too good. I am sure you feel the same about the suffering. I try to think of good days with him to try to erase all that but I am sure nothing will. Shalady

Linda, I am so sorry you are having a hard time. It has been four months since I lost the love of my life. We were married 38 years and I can't stand being without him. I know just how you feel. It's as if it is not the fact I am alone but more that I am not with him. I miss his smile, his voice, his laugh, his hug. In the last many months of his life he was unable to walk so I had taken over many physical tasks around the house that he would have done. However, he was the one I went to when I needed to know how and what to do. It also made him feel helpful in some way. Sometimes I feel hopeless so I talk to him or come here. I know things will be better in time and that is what I cling to. I am glad you find comfort in your support group and by coming here. I wish I had more to offer but you are in my prayers. I wish you much peace and comfort. Shalady

Dear Butch, I hope you are able to get good rest and are feeling better. I will also be there in spirit with you Thursday. We will all be surrounding you in spirit and may it bring you strength and comfort. Shalady

I know Kay. I was just asking you about it as something I might expect. So often my mind goes in different directions. It is comforting to me when I know feelings I have are normal or shared by others. I seem to have gone through and still go through most of what I have read. I know we are all different just as our relationships with our Beloved are different. Maybe those relationships shape the way we grieve in some way. I don't know but one thing I hear most is that the hurt will ease. I am not rushing my grief, just trying to remember that it will ease. I find much comfort in knowing I am not crazy or that my grief is lasting too long. People begin to say I have to move on. They just don't understand. I also find some family and some closer to me are not as understanding and as patient as a few of my close friends are. Shalady

Harry, hope you are feeling better today. I too am glad it is behind you now and you can take time to heal. Hope you are reading a good book by the fire. Peace and comfort to you. Shalady

Butch, I hope you are able to rest and feel better. As Fae said, Mary is with you. We understand if you don't post. Take extra time for you right now. Be good to yourself and do what you need for you. Be patient with yourself. I know how hard this all is. You will find strength when you need it and you will make it through. You are in my prayers. Shalady

Elly, what a beautiful poem. Did you write that? It made me cry. The words went right to my heart and express all things I imagine Bob would say. Thank you for sharing. Shalady

Oh my goodness, you poor thing. You are having a terrible time. Sounds like lots of rest is what you need, so good you are going to try again. That's a good idea to keep your head up some with all the congestion. Maybe the medication will help you sleep. I'm glad your son will take of picking up the ashes so you can rest. You are blessed to have your son and grandsons, and of course Little Man. Hope you are feeling better soon. Shalady

Sounds like you are ready. I hope all goes well for you tomorrow. Let us know how you are doing. New England should be having a little "weather" by the end of the week so are all ready for that too. Shalady

Thank you Marty. I will read that now. Most of what I have experienced has been validated here, meaning others have had similar things in their grief. It is nice to know we are not going crazy, just part of the grief process. It also is soothes my soul just to post my feelings, sort of lifts a little weight off my heart. I still never would have imagined this to be as bad as it is. As people say, you really never know until you are there. Shalady

Kay, I haven't experienced any anger yet myself. Is that something that might be waiting around the corner for me? I read that there are different stages. I still cry everyday. I cry in private and it makes me feel better, like ok I can breathe again now. I don't think I feel sorry for myself but just sad, I miss Bob very much.

Butch, that was such a good idea to go to er. I have heard ear infections are nasty and can be painful. So glad you are already on antibiotic. Yes now you have to eat something while taking it. You can do it. I dreaded going to pick up Bob's ashes. Two of my friends went with me. It turned out it wasn't as bad as I had thought. It was sad but I felt him with me even more since then. I chose a beautiful cherry urn and had a golden etching of a deer in the woods. Bob was an avid hunter and fisherman. He would just love it. It reminds me of his happy days. I talk to him every day. I keep it in the bedroom along side a beautiful recent picture of him with service dog Zach. Zach sniffs around there sometimes. I think he knows. Dogs are so smart. So I hope you too will find some comfort with the sadness. I hope you are feeling better each day. I know you will deliver a beautiful tribute to Mary. The love you have will bring you strength. It is amazing how things lift you up. If you need a shoulder to lean on your son will step in I am sure. Maybe plan ahead so he can know if you need him. Please don't worry about crying. This is so normal. No one would think you were weak. Just take your time. Mary will be with you. Mary will always be with you. Peace and comfort to you. Shalady

I am sorry you are hurting so. I too am finding myself in disbelief at times. I try telling myself I cant rush this. I have to go through these heart wrenching feelings if I am to move along. I try to give myself time. One day at a time. Be patient with yourself. I miss my husband more than I can stand. I read what others have written and they say it takes a long time but the pain will ease. When you love someone that much it hurts more when you lose them. I hope you find some peace and comfort. We are here for you. Shalady

Butch, I hope you are getting some relief from the flu. Try to keep up with the fluids and eating something. I know how hard it is. You need all the strength you can get. The song is just beautiful, I'm so glad you found it. Hope you are getting some rest. You are in my prayers. Shalady

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my husband of 38 years in September. It seems like it was yesterday. I am still taking things one day at a time. I understand when you say you cant believe it. When I read what you wrote about the grocery store it was like looking in the mirror. I still have trouble shopping. I still have trouble looking at his favorite things on the shelves. Worse than that is eating at the table alone. Sometimes I stand at the counter and eat. You have found this place and you will read and you will learn what others have gone through. It has consoled me as well as validated many feelings I have. Everyone here has been where we are and only someone who has been there can understand what we are going through. Just remember you are not alone. We are here. I find it is good to just put my feelings out there. I hope you continue to come here and find comfort. Shalady

My positive today will be to follow the inspiration and clean out a closet. I have been going through some of my husbands things, the ones I think someone could really be using such as clothes. There are places I can't go yet, but I have some I can do. So that will be my plan for the day. Harry, I too am glad the falcon keeps returning. I know it is hard when you suffer those losses. I am sorry. It just makes me think even more of all the good you are doing. Peace and comfort to you. Shalady

Wow Kay, that is a lot of weight you lost. You must be very happy. I lost weight when I was taking care of Bob and more after he passed away. Sorry you didn't sleep well. Its never a good day without enough sleep. Thank goodness you can nap. Harry, I agree with Kay. I can't wait to read your book. How wonderful it must feel to be able to put thoughts on paper like that. You truly are gifted. We are very lucky you share with us here.

Oh Butch my heart breaks for you. Please do listen to what Kay has said, read it again, and again. That is what I do. Unfortunately, she has been on this journey longer than us. I wish she didn't have to be here because of why she is here but I am grateful for what she shares and the time she takes to pick us up and brush us off. You are not weak, you have not failed. Don't feel you are not a good example to your son and grandsons. They are seeing how much love you have, they know how much you have lost. This is devastating beyond belief. You have not failed your Mary. You had the courage to lay beside her and hold her hand. Do you realize what strength that took? Can you imagine how proud she was at that moment, how loved she felt. That is not failure, that is the greatest show of love. She must have been filled with love. I also believe, as Kay said, I am so thankful that I was the one left behind so my Bob would not be going through this. I think he was strong, I think I am strong, but I would not want him to go through this. There are days I want to rip my heart out but I know Bob would not want me to be sad. I hug his picture and cry and tell him I will be ok. We have no children but we have a beautiful black lab named Zach and I cuddle with him and he makes things better. You are not selfish. Now is when you need to take time for yourself. Try not to hurry the days, try not to rush the grief. It isn't going anywhere. Unfortunately it is there everyday for us to deal with. But everyone says it gets better and I believe them. Right now you have the flu so you feel even worse. I am not surprised because of all the stress. It was good to send the children home so they don't get sick. Maybe you can do it again when you feel better. I pray things will get better for you. I know it seems impossible but it will. I used to cry all day and now even though I still cry everyday it is not all day so it is better. I take baby steps. I do not expect things of myself. I am learning to let people help me a little more. Please remember we are here for you whenever you need us. I know I am not as wise as some here, I am new to this journey, but I will try to share so you know what you are going through and feeling is normal. It is not impossible, broken down that is " i'm possible " . Butch, get some rest and food and liquids. I truly hope you feel better. I will say a prayer for you. I wish you peace and comfort. Shalady

I also get the grief triggers. Sometimes they come on and I am not sure why. Last week my refrigerator went out. I seemed to be dealing with it and then one day I thought how Bob would have just taken care of it and I cried all morning. I have a little note he wrote me and I carry it in my purse. Sometimes when I come across it I just hold it tight in my hand and cry. I will never stop missing him. I think I would rather have it that way though. He was my everything. Coming here to read or share keeps me going. I tried to find a grief counselor but only found some groups that meet once a month. They were not for spouses but for those who lost children and some thru violence. I will call hospice again to see further. This is so difficult, I wish there was something I could tell you but you can just take your time, be patient and kind to yourself, take good care of yourself. Coming here helps me so much and I hope you will find some comfort as well. There are amazing folks here with big open hearts and open arms, you can just feel the hugs. They have sound advice, they are living thru the same sadness, they share and know our feelings. They help. I wish you peace and comfort. Shalady

Mary, so glad that is over. I know you will feel better when you get the results but sounds like all will be fine. I will say a prayer for you. I take benefiber, is a flavorless powder you can spoon into anything, completely dissolves. Have it in my coffee each morning and once again later in the day in whatever I am having. Get some good rest today. My positive today is thinking of all the wonderful friends I have in my life. My goal is to be there for them too. I always am, but it seems like I am doing more needing than doing these days. My dear Mom always told me "to have a friend you must be a friend", something I have never forgotten. I wish you peace and comfort. Shalady

How generous of you to give your son some alone time. So glad you will be spending time with your grandsons. I hope they help lift your spirit. Children are so dear. You will be doing something good for yourself as well as them. I hope you all have a special time, you are a special Grampy. I hope Little Man has some fun and gets lots of attention. I wish you peace and comfort. Shalady

Your love so beautifully expressed. Your Beloved must be so proud of you. I know you must feel her love as well. Thank you for sharing your tribute.

Butch, you will find the strength to write a beautiful eulogy for your beloved. I hear it in your words here. Somehow we make it through one step at a time. When you seem at you lowest point coming here lifts you up. This is such a place of rescued hearts. I too am new so I can only say that I know what it feels like to be on this journey. Right here I have learned there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timetable. I have hope I will endure like many before me, even when it seems unimaginable. My life is forever changed but I still have the love Bob and I shared and no one can take that away. I wish you peace and comfort.

Thank you both Harry and Fae. Sometimes I feel all alone in this world and you console and actually cheer me up. Your words are so inspiring. If you are able to move to better places so too will I. I think I become impatient at times. I have had a couple of so sad days. I listen to poor Butch and my heart breaks for him too. Thank you for helping us all.