shalady

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband of 38 years in September. Your feelings are all so normal. I have the same ones. It is okay to feel unsettled, sad, devastated. You were married 25 years. You have lost your life partner. Of course you feel this way. I still take it one day at a time. I still have not returned to work. People think I am doing okay and look better, but we both know we are not better, not doing okay. I will never get over this. I never thought of what you said about feeling selfish, but I also wish my Bob were here, to make things better. I also know he is much better now, in Heaven. Yes God is in charge and he will give us strength when we need it. You do need to focus on you. You need to take care of yourself, let yourself grieve. You don't have to move on, just move forward when the time comes. We need not rush this. It will be a long journey. We are here to listen. I can not give you advice but I can tell you I am going through this too and truly understand your sorrow. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Thank you Carrie. Yes, there are a lot of good memories there. I'm sure when I go it will be bittersweet. So much good and so much sad. A few people have offered to go with me but I think I would rather be alone so I can privately reflect on all that has happened. I'll have Zach with me. He is incredible. You too are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

I know how hard this is. My Bob passed away six months ago today. I still cant believe it. I hope your grief counselor can help you sort your feelings. I am glad you have the dogs to keep you company. I know my Zach fills much of my time and gives me a lot of love. I still take one day at a time. I don't think ahead. It is good you have lots of family and are close. I know it isn't fair. We miss them so much and always will. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Thank you ladies. Yes Kay, I am in touch with folks in NY. I still have a house there. Hope to get there when my back is better. Where in NY were you? There is a lot of beauty in the mountains. I miss it. I do not miss the winters, they are very hard. Yes, any distraction can be a good thing. Hope you are feeling well now. You have had your share as well. I will spend a quiet day with my beautiful Zach. Shalady

I'm glad he is taking care of himself. Sometimes we forget to do that. Thanks for passing on our thoughts and prayers. I know he will be back when he is better. Hope Arlie is doing well. Shalady

Today is six months since Bob passed away. I am not sure where I am with all this. I am in the midst of back problems so that is a distraction. Sometimes I feel I have forgotten he is gone, see his picture and then bolt back to reality. A reality I don't want to believe. I don't think I will fully face this until I am able to go back to NY to our home and see our life there. We lived there for over twenty five happy and fun years. We came to Florida over four years ago to help his son during health issues he was facing. We went back to NY only twice during this time. Bob's son passed away eighteen months ago, unexpectedly. Bob never really got over that, so devastating to lose a child, he was Robert, Jr. I don't know how I get through each day, but I do. I come here every day. I may not be able to post but I try so as to give support to others as much as I can. I hope each person finds the same comfort here as I do. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Thank you for letting us know Kay. When you are in touch let him know he is in my thoughts and prayers. Sending big hugs. I will waiting to hear how he is doing. Shalady

Hope Arlie is resting leg and feeling better. I know how worried you must be. The weather is not good for arthritis either. We just want them to be healthy and happy. Let us know how he is doing. Don't worry too much about your weight. You are eating healthy and as long as you keep your glucose at a good number that is what is important. The weight will take care of itself. You will be more active come Spring and maybe that will make a difference. I went out yesterday and stayed too long on my feet. I am really paying for it now. Have to get the Aleve going. I don't want to take too much of the other pain medicine. More shots on Tuesday. Shalady

Sorry Kay, hope he is better with rest. They are just like us, we feel okay so we end up overdoing it. I am doing the same thing. My back and leg were feeling good after the shots so I think I am back to normal and then the pain reminds me to stop. When I stop I think more and then there is that pain in your heart, remembering what is lost. Life is not for the weak, that is for sure. Just have to keep going. I really hope Arlie stops limping. Maybe it is just arthritis like you said. How old is Arlie?

Maryann, I am glad to went a grief counselor. I have not, but will continue to try to find one. I have heard it is a very good thing. You have been through so much, the hardest thing you will ever have to face, at least it seems that way to me. I think sometimes we think of ourselves as being so strong. I have come to know it is okay if I am not strong right now. I am a strong person but this takes more strength than I have to give right now. I don't know if we feel sorry for ourselves or confuse it with our grief. I feel as though I have been cut in half and that half is gone forever. As if I have to grow that back some how. It seems too much to accept. I will be coming up on six months soon. I now feel kind of numb again and very weepy, more than ever. Bob would not want me to give up so I keep going for him. I miss him down to my core. He was my whole world for 40 years. We would have been married 39 years two days ago. I have no advice to offer you, just can let you know I feel your hurt, I hear your pain and I embrace you. Let yourself cry, let yourself grieve. Do only what you can. Be good to yourself. I hope the grief counselor is able to help you. I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am here for you along with everyone here. Peace and comfort to you. Shalady

Good advice. It's best to have them. It may take a long time before you can touch them, but they will be there when you can. The quilt is such a keepsake. I have my memory bears. They are in the closet right now but sometimes I can snuggle with them. I am sure the time will come when I can leave them out. Shalady

Thank you Anne. Zach is a black lab. I was blessed to be able to keep him when Bob passed away. Here is a picture of Zach on his last birthday, he was four. He let us put the hat on him and he kept it on and never tried to attack the cake.

I am having a couple of very tough days. My heart is yet still breaking. Yesterday was Bob's birthday and today is our anniversary. It would have been 39 years today. He is gone five months now. Today I will remember all the great times we had, all the trips we took, all the good times. I will write them down and maybe that will help my heart. I want to think back to the beginning. We had a great life and I am truly grateful for him. I will remember how much he loved me and of course how I loved him. He was such fun, so engaging. I miss his smile, his voice. He enjoyed having company. He loved people. Bob had a lot of medical issues throughout his life. He lost part of his femur bone in one leg and wore a brace. He had diabetes. In later years he walked with one crutch but he got around fine. It didn't bother him. In the last ten months of his life he had Guilian Barre Syndrone and was unable to walk. He was devastated. I did all I could to keep his spirits up. He came to terms with it and was trying so hard in therapy. I think it really took a toll on him, I know it did. One so active to be confined to wheelchair. For the most part he made the best of it. I cheered him on. I was always so proud of him for all he did. One day last September he had a stomach ache. Because it persisted his aide said he should go to the ER. They checked everything, EKG, x-rays, blood work and found nothing. They said they would keep him overnight and do a scope in the morning to check his stomach. While we were waiting for them to move him to a room he began throwing up blood. They rushed me out and did what they do, they asked me could they trach him and I said yes. Then his heart stopped, they said due to the trauma. They got it going again with heart compression but it kept stopping. They asked me what to do and I said keep trying. Then they came and got me and said they wanted me to see what was happening because they thought it was futile and like torture to him to continue. When I saw I agreed and said it was ok to stop. He wouldn't want that. We always said when it is our time it was ok for the other to let us go. So with me by his side my dear, dear sweetheart made his way to Heaven. They said he had an esophageal rupture. I still can't believe it at times. I love him so very much. So today I will remember our good life and I will talk to him. I have his loving service dog Zach with me, who I am sure misses him too, he just can 't tell me.

Yes Fae, beautifully said. All so true and what we are living now. Crying is so sad but such a release. So many different feelings with the tears flowing. Froggie, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

I too am five months now. I still can't believe it sometimes. I try not to think about the tomorrows and just focus on today. Tuesday is Bob's birthday and Wednesday is our wedding anniversary. I don't know how I'll get through those days but somehow I think he will help me. I had my second set of epidural steroid shots a few days ago. They are settling in and improving the pain greatly. I even drove today for the first time in a long time. The doctor was much rougher this time and I let him know I didn't appreciate it. However, it was still worth it. Go again in two weeks and hope to get yet more improvement. I am resting so I don't overdo it. Its a happy day. Shalady

I don't think I can add anything to what Kay has already said. I too still can hear Bob's voice. I still turn to him and find strength to go on. This is the hardest thing in the world and we cant expect ourselves to spring out of it. Our world has been turned upside down. We need not apologize for our grief. We are here for you, we understand, we comfort you. You are strong even when you feel you are not. Mary is with you, watching over you. She is and will continue to give you strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

QMary, Safe travel for you. I am so sorry your sister is not doing well. Your visit will warm her heart. I will pray for her. I pray you find added strength today. ***hugs*** Shalady

Dear Missing, I am so sorry you are in such pain. It is five months my Bob has been gone. I know when you say you feel like an empty shell, I feel like half a person. I think coming here is like therapy for me too. I don't have a quilt but I have three memory bears made from my husband's favorite shirts. Sometimes I can bring them out and sometimes I have to put them in the closet. Just wanted to share that with you. Maybe you could save some things in case you change your mind along the way. I live day to day, do not think about the future right now. I cry every day. We have all suffered the hardest loss we will ever have to. As I have heard Kay say, there are those here who have suffered their loss perhaps years ago. They are living proof that we will make it through and things, although forever changed, will get better for us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Harry, I'm sorry you have been having such a difficult time. You have been through so very much. I am glad you will throttle down and take some time for yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

I am always so validated when someone else expresses my same feelings. I echo what Kay says, be kind ands patient with yourself. Shalady

Linda, it is beautiful. I am so glad you will be having one to cuddle with. What a loving comfort. Shalady

Valerie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Mike. I lost my husband this past September. I am still struggling. As many before me have said take care of yourself. Grief such as this takes so much out of you. It is exhausting. We have to remember to eat and drink. I have lost many beloved members of my family but it does not compare to this loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Froggie, you are right not to put pressure on yourself. As Marty said, your world has been turned upside down. We share the same feelings. I just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you are on this journey. I hear you when you speak about whether Mark would want you to be sad. I don't think our spouses would want us to be sad but maybe they understand we are. My Bob would not ever want me to suffer. I am so glad this is me and not him, I would not want him to be lost like this. With all the love then comes the pain and tears. I just hang on to the love we shared and still go one day at a time and don't focus on the future yet. Marty, once again thank you for your words of wisdom. You have such a way of guiding our thoughts down the right path. I too will read STUG later. Shalady

No, not at all, I still have many bad days. It is five months for me and it still rips my heart out. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way. There is no time limit here. Remember what everyone here expresses, it will get better. How long it will take we do not know. I still take one day at a time and do not worry about tomorrow. I try to accomplish things at whatever pace I can. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, you need and deserve it. Grieving takes so much out of us. We have to make sure we take time for us. I hope you find some comfort. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Shalady

Bob and I went to Montana three times. We loved it. We have a black lab and we found a brewery/bar and the name of the place and the name of the beer they made was Black Dog with a picture of a black lab on the label. They also had the dog there all the time. He was beautiful. Bob loved going there. We never wanted to move there because our house is in a mountain with much wildlife around, but no elk, so we were satisfied. Montana is really such a beautiful place though. The mountains are spectacular. Shalady