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Dear friends from the forum, it´s been long since the last time I´ve posted an update on the post I started in 2015. I´ve quoted that, cause it´s coming again, once more. I simply don´t know where to start. So much have happened this year and still, I am unhappy and feel empty, just spiritually empty. I stopped making questions to heavens, I stopped looking for answers, I stopped fighting against the finality of his death, I have accepted he is dead. I have accepted to live with a wound in my soul, with a tragedy having happened in my life. I came to terms with grief waves, with what grief entails. With secondary losses. And etc. I have accepted all of that, all of it and I thought that acceptance would lead me to a better place......but healing hasn´t happened. I am still unhappy, still empty, still detached, still seing nothing from the future. I am an empty cage. Surely my soul must have left my body with my boyfriend´s departure. That´s how it feels. I have been in a tsunami, in a hurricane, in a sea storm, sort of saying..but now I feel I am standing in a swamp. My grief changes. Or hasn´t. I have written about the following many times. What surrounds me are babies, weddings, pregnancies, dating, that´s majority. And I feel so much pain bearing witness to that with as much dignity as possible, trying to be a good friend that cares. But then something breaks inside of me because I had that, and had the project of that and it was ripped away from me!!!!!! Because I knew how it felt!!!! And then, I care about them no more. And so you can pretend to be cool and fine, but inside you are not the same. I don´t want to hear that I´m young and I could meet someone. I just don´t care.I don´t want a relationship, I want my boyfriend. That´s the problem. It was true what I knew in my heart when I met him, that I would be unhappy to live without him. Now it is reality. Here it is. I was right. Does he know it? Does he know I am unhappy without him? And it hurts. It really hurts. Another year in which I feel LOST AND EMPTIED! You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I read all of your posts. Peace. Ana

OMG How rude and cruel! The same as with Tom. Do you like to be unhappy, eeehhhh??? But then, there are those who, like Marg´s neighbour, honor life and loss. There is still hope.

I´m so sorry you have had to suffer such rude comments.

Thank you all. I was 35 y/o then, the benefit of being a young widow was that. I have forgiven these people, cause they don´t know what they were talking about. I can acknowledge now that they didn´t want to hurt me. I wish they will never know about profound loss, and I have took distance from them. Some have had babies and I haven´t visited them. I moved on, but from them. I have followed their advice. I think it was you Marg who once said: do not talk to those whose feet haven´t touched the flames. It was an invaluable lesson, you were right. I have followed that advise since then. I guess people don´t get they are dealing with someone who has changed and probably not for the very best, they still think we are still who we were and if we are not, well it is us who are "responsible" for our attitudes. After some time, it´s our "choice" to grieve or not. But we have this place. We shouldn´t be here no have had these experiences and feeling we are sharing. But at least we have MArty´s place to sit down all together.

Wishing you as much confort as it could be. Rely on parents and friends.

Dear Kieron, Unfortunately the answer to that is YES. Yes they are. Not everybody. This site is an example of all the contrary. I will never forget that, 6 months after my beloved passed (which also ment to move back to my parent`s and leave the city where I`ve lived for 4 years), I`ve been texted: "Are you ENJOYING your time with your parents?" Two month after his passing, a best friend from college told me that it was time to close my previous life and move on. Before his passing, she implied that my bf sickness was related to some theory that is going around about "you`re the result of your thoughts". My BF was dying because he didn had the RIGHT thoughts????? Peace. Ana

Dear Katie, we are thinking and praying for you. Please, any time you feel unwell ask for help. Call someone, go to ER. You don't have to stand up for anything elese on your own. You are not alone. Ask for help and care. Peace Ana

Gin, I send you virtual hugs from here. Peace. Ana

I subscribe to that.

I have no clue about how it happened, however I have no more strength to fight this fight, I am phisically, emotionally and psichologically exausted and drained. I have dealt with that all alone. Feel I can't add nothing more to my backpack at the moment. It feels too heavy. I asked my doctor if I can visit next year and talk about it more in depth. I even lost weight, which is not good considering I am already thin, I can see the changes on my chest. And in the colour of my skin. I havent noticed it before. This 2018 has been another horrible year and I sincerely want to sit down and wait until it is gone. I want to take care of myself with primary care, slow down, eat better, make excersice, sleep. My doctor told me that my body would need 3 month to recover from this stressing episode. Each time, I wonder how I ended up here, why am I talking about PSTD? I should be raising our family. Then, I remember....

We are with you and the boys.

Hello everybody: I wanted to update you that my second health tests have got good results and so, I`m not sick. However, doctors cannot explain some otucomes from blood tests. My Ph. mentioned PTSD. Which makes sense to me. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers during these endless weeks fo awaiting. Peace Ana.

I´m glad your son will be close to you, Marg. Some groups are not suitable for our needs but you don´t need to feel bad about it. PErhaps a book club?

I don´t want silence either

A hobby won´t fill the void, and won´t make our issues dissapeared, they´ll be waiting for us upon our return to our home. During these years I´ve been attending random courses which have absolutely nothing to do with my educational background nor my skills, just for making time pass. Because they are not related, my brain can´t make connections with my past and my loss. I go there, pay attention, make questions and go home. I don´t take notes nor I search further information afterwards. I don´t feel changed nor joyful. It is a tactic. Of course I wish that would change and turn into something close to a hobby. So what´s the point if it doesn´t ignite something. I take the fact of keeping a schedule as the "gain" of the hobby suggestion. This has been my experience, for what´s worth.

Dear Gwen, No, the date is not relevant and it serves to no purpose. How the date could offer any positive When you have been grieving for another whole year? I understand your anger and despair. I have learned too that nobody else will come to help us to face what challenges are left to us. We were left alone with this and that. Pain coming from loss and from being/feeling helpless and alone is advised with: "go to counselling"."Find hobbies". We are here to listen. Ana

Dear Joyce, I´m sorry to be late in posting on your post. I understand your feelings very well. I miss my boyfriend so so so much. I often see him in my dreams and I hold him and tell him I love you, I miss you, please stay with me. I guess once the heart is broken from a soulmate´s death, nothing can ever be and feel the same again. We are thinking of you. Ana

So glad to hear you are back home with the boys. Take good care

Does anyone have news about Katie? I hope she is well.

We send you big hugs Marg. It is, yes, just another day, the same as yesterday and tomorrow because they`re not here with us. This year, year n.4th "happened" a month after the anniversary.

Dear Katie, my prayers are with you. Come here any time you need to, but please rest and recover as much or as little you can. Ask for help any time you need it. You are in a safe place with professionals who can help you. Know there are a lot of people who are holding your hand. You are not alone.

I lost the ability of reading, so in bed i swipe instagram to fall asleep I go to bed exausted and tired from the day, actually phisically tired. I am anxious about any change it may come, good or bad. Keep myself very busy because In the end I am and feel lost. I know I have had a different life, once In which I was happy. That is my difference, I have changef routined so many times. Difference is the feeling and the context from it. I cook, the idea is to do and do and get tired. Numb mostly Background noise always. Tv is for that. Thoughts of tasks to do. That is my everyday life. I go to bed at 11pm. (I have made second health test but result will be out next month).

Katie, we are holding you and Gracie`s soul in our hearts and prayers.

I'm sorry Gin, it is very hard and heart breaking I know. I'm sorry too about your health issues. I wish you the best. All of this is hard to deal with, but this is a safe place to vent and write down our feelings and worries. Take care

Thank you all