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I did too

Dear Kay, I don`t know in which thread this was, but I too join the others with thoughts and prayers for you and your health. Ana

Dear Nika, I´m very sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance 4 years ago. He was what it was best in my life. Ana

I´m on the same boat. The two Xmas Eve I organized to be spent the two of us alone, were cancelled because he was hospitalized. I remember decorating our first appartment, and it didn`t happen. I remember spending our first Xmas in hospital, I was so sad. Like a little child. I couldn`t hide my sadness. It was too much to handle. I hated Heavens for breaking my dreams. He was better than me in so many ways, he tried to do his best, from a hospital bed, to make me happy. I was overwhelmed, I couldn`t be. Oh God I have tears in my eyes now. I behave like a stupid child and I will never have a second chance AGAIN! So, I have never had a Xmas with him as any other couple does, with a tree and a meal and a Xmas breakfast, and now I will never have. Because of that, I hate Xmas, as it is the day of things which will never be. Xmas, Easter Holidays and etc are just any other breaks in the calendar and I don`t pay much attention about what do I do those days.

Congratulations on your book!

Hello Johnny, I´m very sorry for your loss, and glad you find your way till this forum, which is of tremendous help. There are no judgment here, nor a race to see who is doing better. In fact, what´s a good grief? We are all strong, IN SPITE OF the personal tragedy we are all enduring and coping with. I´m strong but not for conviction, rather than survival necessity. I never asked nor wanted to be who I am today. I didn`t need this in order to learn life lessons. So, when non-mourners tell me "you`re strong" it feels like a stone medal. My inner "me" is silently saying "who cares? I couldn`t care less if I`m strong, I lost the love of my life! I don`t want to be strong, I want him back!". My problem is that I´m very much aware about what caused this present time. 5 years later I struggle with this new life, this new me, and a supposed legacy from him which I cannot feel nor see. I`m not wiser, though it feels like I have been chosen to be revealed "the other side of the coin". I have experienced it all: living in hell, not wanting to live, emptiness, void, anxiety, hoplesness, profound sadness, lack of purpose, a pain that has no name, fear, panic, crying out of nowhere. Yet, here I am. I have never been happy again and of that too, I`m aware from time to time. In fact, I got used to live with unhapiness, and somehow it doesn`t hurt anymore as before. Maybe it`s brain fog, brain cheating, brain tricks. I made a math count, If I live till 80 y/o I would have spent more than 10 hundred days without him. At this figure, I´m oriented to believe in an eternal afterlife. That´s the only thing I could think of in terms of "repairing" what´s been done. Grief feels like crazy. It´s not about that someone is dealing with grief better, we do what we can. Really. We all do. You do too. It takes one day at a time. The first two years are very, very hard. Peace to you, Ana

Surely it must be taken into account that mental disorders exist and are subject of diagnosy and treatment. I don't know if Grief is one of those, being in the experience doesn't make me an expert, but I take Marty's opinion as one of authority in the matter and I share what she says. Having said that, it seems that with grief happens the same as with love. When science try to label and conceptualize love, it sounds all wrong. If there's something wrong with me after 5 years, well I can't take it back and give it back! My 2 cents.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, it's said. I feel like Grief hasn't killed me because I tried very hard to be strong so as to keep being alive in a world without him. I told my therapist that two years ago I felt like sinking in the sea. But now I feel I made it to a foreign shore and builded up a "fortress" to survive. For a week I have received, each day, a news from the following: pregnancy, couples moving together, dating time, projects, baby births. They used to put me in a place of anxiety, of running home and spend the rest of the day crying. Those don't tear me down to bed anymore. I still feel a lack of interest in them, though, and automatically the news confront my life. I don't have an aim, a purpose, a project, I don't truly expect anything anymore. What do you want to do with your life? What just happens, I will manage. I must have been left so drained in all possible levels from 4 years of solid unhappiness. Pain transforms you deeply. I feel safe saying it here. Maybe there are no more pieces left to be broken. Maybe there are no more tears left to shed. I am strong. Am I, really? Just thoughts on another Friday night.

No they don`t. However, with 5 years into it, I`ve given up on teaching/explaining. I`ve arrived to a place of "absolving" clueless people/friends/relatives/acquaintances, if that is a good word. I acknowledge that I may feel frustration, anger, guilt and resentment but I try not to fuel these. It only affects me and makes ME and only me feel worse. They mess up things even more. And for what? For nothing. I`m still in the same place: I lost him. The thing is, I`m not sure if I`m going to be by their side when and if the time arrives for them to be in this journey. I may not. I feel bad thinking this way.

I understand, I know how must have been your and Tammy´s life, because our life also turned around a chronic disease that eventually killed him. Sure I have had very good moments, after I mean. Life is in shades of low quality colours now, things fade away quickly. I think of what I do really care about. I don´t have an inmediate answer. Someone told me once: "you will get used to". Didn´t mention to what, but whatever that is, I got used to grief. I haven´t found what can I do of use with my grief. Peace to you, today and tomorrow. To everyone here. Ana

Checking in too. I'm still recovering from Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper's performance at the Oscar. So intimate, the way they looked at each other and how he reached to her on the piano. I shed many tears since I could identify my ex life in that scene. "I had that". It's past tense now. I'm having issues at work and my gym routine is anything but a routine. I've low energy and spirits lately. It's like the sea tides. Grief. I'm having vivid flashbacks from my ex life. They are sound and clear. They said it's from trauma. They don't scare me, they come and go. I think it has been happening since year one. I don't keep a track of my craziness anymore. My update. Marg? Mitch? Hope they check in too. It's been long since the last time they posted. Hope you guys are ok! Let's keep Katie and her kids too in our thoughts and prayers. Peace Ana

I don`t think we can "fix" what it is because of what has happened, and the effect of that on us. We can work through it.

Our grief feelings were so intense, so raw, some of them traumatic, some experienced for the first time, and they lasted for a long time. They had a powerful and long lasting impact in our own core and our own selves, altering our lives and the way we experienced the world. They came in a combo, with a pain we could barely handle. I think that for these reasons, for that kind of exposure, we were left feeling numb to almost anything. Like a burn-out type. Of course none likes living like this, I don`t but I accept it is what it is today, and I give myself permission to wonder if it`s going to be like this for ever. I cannot say (yet) I "hope" it won`t be, since Hope dissappeared from my vocabulary almost 5 years ago, when my and our biggest hope crashed against death. I then think of what Kay says, that it takes years to rebuild a life in which we choose to be. Peace. Ana

OMG that`s sooooo true!!!!! ------------------- Dear Cookie: You`re not alone in feeling this way. I have always wondered what would imply: healing, improvement, getting better, being a better person. Somehow these imply going from dark to light. Perhaps we´ll always be in a "grey" "contradictory" zone? I have no answers. I`m still struggling with that and other notions.

Happy birthday, blessings and best wishes to you Marty. Thank you for everything you do for us. Ana

Dear Katie, I'm sorry that you were asked that question. Unfortunately it is normal to be asked and it won't be the last time. I have been in that place too, and it hurts in both directions, in our hearts and hearing it from a dear friend. And with our hearts aching for our great pain we must also be wise to get that they mean well. It is too much, I know it. I can tell you that with time, with lots of time, you will feel stronger in the moment when you are asked, and your answer will come out from a place of strength and conviction, whatever your reply is. But not now and that's ok and enough. One minute at a time, for yourself and for your boys. I can say that we all here are keeping all of you in our prayers. Peace Ana.

Our standards and energy are lower and it is understandable, and we have to work harder to be stronger to get through this painful and difficult journey. That's how I would describe my life. I have to be strong, since I am unhappy. Congratulations for your work about Diabetes. I am sure you are a very good mentor. Shalom

I feel the same.

I understand you. When my boyfriend was dying I asked God to take everything away from me, but not him. I swear I included everything and everyone in my plea. I was kneeling in the hospital aisle alone. I will never forget that moment. Cannot be erased because I would do anything to have him back even if it means to loose him again on sickness. I would kneel down once more and ask God the same. Because I cannot believe he can be fine and be better wherever he is now, if it is without me. I can't conceive it.

I struggle to listen and care about my friend's relationships, I'm failing at that. Unless it is a very serious/dangerous situation, I'm not interested in their current affairs. I generally nod at each comment and I feel very bad because I'm not interested. All I can think of is what I am missing. It hasn't change.

https://philosophy.nz/viktor-frankl/ The story I mentioned above

Dear Dee, trust me when I tell you that our hearts never forget. It is all imprinted in our being. I only have a 1 minute audio of my beloved, I don't listen to it because it still hurts. Yet, time ago I had a dream in which he spoke, and it was HIS voice. It was sound and clear. I am in my 5th year and in my dream his voice was still his. It doesn't matter if my brain made it up, if there is a rational psychology reason. It was him speaking (I forgot what he said when I woke up but to me it was real). 5 years later, I remembered. There is a beautiful story from V. Franklin in which he describes the moment in which he had a conversation with his wife (both separated in different concentration camps). Not knowing if she was alive or dead. It is about love that transcends time and place. I believe is about our love stories too. Peace Ana

I would like to share mine, too. What has helped me: - Going back to therapy. My therapyst is younger than me but he works with cancer patients so he understands pain, grief and suffering. It helps to talk to someone who has had a similar experience about loss, and who bears witness to suffering. - Work out. I went to yoga for two years. It helped me to relax my muscles. I had no previous experience with yoga and no flexibility, but it has helped me on muscular level. Long Meditation, on the contrary, hasn´t helped me. It made me feel sad and empty afterwards. Nowadays, I practise yoga with Youtube guru: "Yoga with Adrienne". Last year, I also went to the gym due to back pain and it helped me to build cardio resistance. During summer, I quit and did some gym at home (with the AC turned on). There are good workout tutorials on Youtube for the amount of time you can take. I´m not sure what type of work out routine I´m going to pursuit this year. - Going to class. I signed up to short courses on topics that would interest me or that were totally unfamiliar to me. The key to me is: short courses with no required homework (unless you want to explore more on the subject). In the early months I was scared that I was loosing my intellectual capacities as well. Although I am still not able to read a book, going to classes helps to focus on something that is going on in front of me. - Going to work and in so, build up a solid schedule. My grief journey is a mess, but work provides me with some predictability on what may happen everyday. On the spiritual level: - Quit looking for answers to my questions. I am not religious and I felt lost and angry. I found I would never receive a reply to my Why and What for. I left behind that phase for my own sake. I make no questions anymore. I have accepted that my boyfriend is dead and all its consequences. I have accepted that I live with those consequences. One the social level: - I don´t see any positive improvements on that and I have no tools to offer on this issue. I´m now good at casual conversation but very bad going into deep subjects. The """"""good""""" thing about being a young widow is that, when people tells you that you have your whole life ahead, I think: "I have my whole life ahead to work on my social skills, no rush then to be who you want me to be today". I have been judged that if after 4 years I´m grieving, it is my own choice, meaning I have a bad/depressed/sad/careless/selfish/non filter attitude. Ok then, I have 40 years to work on my attitude. No rush to became a butterfly. My two cents. Peace to all of you.

Thanks everybody for your kind words. I appreciate each of them. This is a tough week for everybody so I wish peace to all of you. Ana

I don´t know what to say with regards to holidays. Perhaps "I wish a peaceful time as much as it could be". "I wish this too shall pass". My Xmas was a sad one, and these days I feel very sad. Did I grow strong to face them? Probably. At the same time, it´s sad to try to be strong so as to face a week of the year when everybody seems to be really happy and sharing good news. Just only one friend, who is grieving, told me: "I understad why are you sad". "Count your blessings" "your boyfriend would want you to be happy". Somehow it makes me feel sadder and ashamed. If someone feels ashamed of still grieving, I would like to suggest the following article (just click on the title): Grief and Shame: An unnaceptable combination You all are on my thougts and prayers. Ana