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Dear all, first of all thank you for and I am sorry for having worried you all, please apologise me. After the ER episode, I was confused, in shock, denial, pain and anguish. I felt lost and so much pain in my head and chest for the psychologic stress. I felt vulnerable and shed tears out of nowhere. My head could not understand how I could have got a chronic disease OUT OF NOWHERE, no related with my clinic history, with my family, my lifestyle. I have no symthoms. NO CLUE OF HOW THE HELL THIS HAS HAPPENED. If the doctor told me "cancer" I would have attributed to my grief....but no, it is not cancer. I didn't dare to schedule further tests in terror of their outcome. I made an appointment with my family doctor and today we revised my clinical history, the rest of tests I made which were fine, and no, no clue. She explained me why the test could be wrongly performed, sth rare but she had had some cases. After this appointment I left with a more reasonable explanation and I am going to test next week. And be the result whatever God decides. I am sorry for not having let you know more and haven t written again. I am sorry for having worried you. I do care about each of you and have missed you all. Please all take care and I pray that God look after you. Peace Ana

I`ve been at the ER today. I went to pick up a blod test result, and for some reason I had to wait for the doctor to hand them to me. She told me very bad news about the results and that new tests are requested. I don't want to go on details. I lost it. I started to cry the way I did when 4 years ago a doctor called me to tell that my husband was dying. They asked me if I had a husband or a relative to call and I yelled: he is dead! And now I may be sick. I´m going to die because I have no strength to fight this. My husband died and I`m next! They took me to ER and sedated me. What is this hell I`m living? Where is God leading me?. What is this horrible lesson? What kind of cruel test this is? I was fine yesterday, today I`m in hospital out of the blue. I don`t know how I will go on. Anniversary is next week, and I`ve this too to deal with. When the put the IV on my arm, I was taken back years ago, he was in hospital, now I`m on hospital, now I`m carrying an IV. Now I`m sick. And he is dead. Please pray for me that there is a mistake and I`m healthy, prayers is all that is left.

I`m very sorry for your loss Katie. I can only imagine your pain as mamma, but I understand, we all do, that you miss your husband very much with all your being. Allen watchs over your children until the day they will be reunited with their mother to be together for eternity, when there is no time and no ending.

I go once a week. I started a month after his passing. Sometimes when grief was very hard I went twice. I am at year 4 and my appointments aree the chance to speak openly and to cry without feeling guilt or embarrased. After 4 years of therapy I pretty much understand and acknowledge what is going on, so It is my tool to express my grief. My therapyst lost his brother at young age and he works with terminal patients, he is younger than me or my age but I feel fine with that. I must be honest with you, my experience has been not a linear one, rather tempests and waves of grief, minute by minute at the beginning, nowadays is different in frequency, however grief is there and around. I I have felt guilty for a solid year and for different reasons, like why I behaved that way on an X day, why I didn't see death coming, why I said this or didn't say that, why I behaved the way I did when he was in coma, when he was dying..... My bf died after a surgery and then I felt guilty for having support him on that , for not having studied enough that surgery. Of course it sounds crazy, but I felt guilty because he decided to go for surgery to give us, me, a better future. I was the reason, he died for me I thought then. I remember dreaming that it was me lying on the surgery table. My brain was constantly looking for a clue, a sign, a something that could give sense to sensless. There is a book, The Year of Magical Thinking. Guilt takes you nowhere and eventually you surrender. I still feel a kind of guilty, I had a major guilt feeling last January for example. But now I know it takes me nowhere else, like a spiral ladder. I still lost him. I sit down with these feelings until they vanish. Eat what you can. But please avoid alcohol or similar, it will not help you in any way.

Hello Katie, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my fiance 4years ago, he was 31. We understand your pain, no matter the circumstances of your loss, your life story, relationship and age. Everyone cares here and I hope you will keep coming, to read or to pos Nothing seemed to help me back then and therapy was my only resource to let my pain to be expressed, my first counsellor wasn't good and my second one got much of my grief. Most probably people will start to not understand your grief. You may start hearing platitudes being said to you. If so, come here. We have been were you are now. As in your case, I was not married and I was very young for living this horrible experience, I didn't have the tools to deal with so much pain. grief is very complicated to deal with, with time you learn to co exist and mange it, that is what time is, you develop scar tissue. I know you cannot eat now, but try to eat even if little. Don't quit with food and with drinking water, even if these actions collide with the pain you are feeling. Just try and any other thing, let it be enough for today. Unfortunately thoughts and guilty will stay with you for a time. It is ok now, it is all normal. With time too your guilt feelings will diminish. We "need" guilt to find a reason and an explanation to their deaths, when there is no reason, no explanation and no sense to it. We want to understand why our love wasnt enough to keep them alive.

Omg, that has been our/my case too. Of course I had my down moments yet I did not leave him, I stayed , he died and here I am. I was not enough, our love was not enough to spare him and us. Now, I live the reality from the quote posted before.

Your post describes our jouney. And the quote brought tears to my eyes as it is very true.

Don't give up Kate. Your 3 children need you and you need them. We are holding you in our prayers.

We understand you Mitch. Last night in the subway I had a thought and a feeling, like real, that my boyfriend was in the subway too looking for me. Not his spirit, but his human body being. I was so sad because I knew it wasn't true. He died. He is not checking his mobile, listening to music and meeting me at the exit gate. For a minute it was true, the life that will NEVER be was real. never never never Commuting is one of the loneliest experience for people, I wonder what others were thinking at the same time.

I'm sorry Gwen, I'm sorry we all live far away from each other and we cannot be there to, at least, just be there sitting on a chair next to you.

For young widows, somehow that length of time ahead feels like a life sentence. Last week I was at the hospital doing the yearly check ups. I am healthy, but then I thought if grief will come and take its toll on my health later on, I thought how long can I live with grief, how many years. 10, 20, 40, 60? I was 35 when I became a widow. My grandnmas survived for 20 years. 35+20=55, I won't need to hire a retirement advisor LOL But then As you, and as Kay and Darrel repeat too to us, lets take it one day at a time. Thank you Marg for your reply to my post. I appreciate it very much. I enjoy your stories, also from the old times. Keep telling these. I'm not American and I enjoy reading about how was in other countries. I don't have my grandparents anymore. I miss their stories.

I'm sorry to Kay. We are with you

You wrote that long ago, and from that moment I took it as a quote to stick to. And hardly never referred to my grief again. The difference with most of you is that at 39 hardly nobody lost "that" someone. Perhaps a grandparent, or a parent. Surely not a husband / partner. Not to death at least. I feel alone outside from this forum. I came to accept I will not be that kind of better person again. Or Not now. Perhaps not next year also. I will strive no more. I am not interested in other people personal love life and I offer no advise, or I offer platitudes. My peers can freely talk about anything, but never ask me how is my grief. They are good people though, they are lucky to live in such an ignorance as to not know how it feels to be on the other coast witnessing. I hurt when someone new join us. It is not fair. I am a good citizen, a good work colleague, a good neighbour. Sure that can be enough. I came to accept that what I have had and who I have had, was rare, exception, uncommon, not ordinary. I treasure that although it doesnt help,yet. Since I have accepted, little by little, that lack of deep interest and care are part of my present life now, i feel a strange freedom. A freedom in a myst of total unhappiness. My cynic salad.

Companion through the darkness "In 1988, when she was pregnant with their first child, her husband, Jim, died suddenly of a heart attack. From the private journals she kept after he died, she wrote Companion Through The Darkness, Inner Dialogues on Grief which became an instant classic on grief".

Dear Kate, I follow on Marg's words. Whoever is around you, allow them to help you and be there for you. You have nothing more to show to anyone beyond your children, not in a funeral. We cannot be phisically with you at the service, but this virtual group will join you with thoughts and prayers.

Our hearts are with you and with your sons'. I don´t know what to say. There is no sense and no answers to your questions, to Caleb questions, and even if there were they would not take your pain away. You can come and express yourself here freely. If that could be of any help. I am truly sorry....

Marita, Is it difficult/dangerous to ride a horse? I would like to learn but I am scare to fall down and hurt myself. I read is a very good type of therapy. I always liked to watch them.

I really don't want my heart be this broken again. off topic, that CS L quote is very Wuthering Heights. LOL

I echo this.

From Megan Devine`s facebook board. Don´t own this. I suggest her book

Not sure if I read and understood well but I`m gonna risk an embarrasment. I`m very happy for you both.

I hope it is not just me, but have any of you felt that because of death and this type of grief we carry, you became a worse person? I do. I have not became a better person because of this tragedy. How could I be without my soulmate in my everyday life? Legacy and memories are not enough to me. They should but it is not happening. I give an example: a friend of mine has just told me sje is very much in love with her new boyfriend. I congratulated them and felt so angry cause Iwas in love, I was a loving grilfriend and one day I was not anymore and now it doesnt matter if I am in love, on the contrary, perhaps is no good at all. I felt it has only been me who has been touched by the flames. I know feelings are feelings, but living two lives, one for the outside and one that you feel inside that is quite the opposite of what you are showing. My brother told me: you cannot afford to lose the few friends that stayed by your side because they have the life you wished for yourself. So, I am playing the part of the good friend. I have been told "there are many divorced men you could meet" I HATE ALL OF THIS.

Oh cookie. I'm very sorry. There are no words that could confort you. What could we do for you? We are here to support you

Mitch, I have had some similar dreams, with us being in a room too (hardly never in the outside). In these dreams I felt complete and felt what It was when we were together, the same sensations. These sensations, if they come from my mind or from my spirit, I don't care. They are still in me. They are still alive. They have not been touched by death. Not easy though. My solely confort after these dreams is that, in an afterlife together, I will feel those feelings again, with him, and for eternity. Peace

Thank you ladies for your kind words and thank you Marty for your suggestions. I do some of the activities listed, but their effect on me lasts for too short. I do them just because they are supposed to help, My life feels like a call for duty. I must do what I am supposed to do. And have some hope. I read this and it feels horrible. I became a widow at 35. I met my love at 29. In your 20s you dont reflect about reason for living. I never did on a deep level. I cannot look for that answer in the past. I am not that eager and interested about my future anymore. My counselor has been working about this question but I see nothing. Just fog. My reason for living is a moral one, my parents are still alive. my MIL told me "we cannot loose another son, not you too". I hope to find a reason before my parents and my inlaws die.