Gwenivere

Karen, that is perfectly worded. No matter what strides I may make to not be so wholely consumed as I am now, it is part of my personality now and always will be. This is much to the dismay of all the people waiting for the old me to return. I keep telling them she's gone. Give it up.

Wow. Steve and I never talked about the ashes, only our wishes to be cremated. I truly understand the special sentimentality people feel about that. We did for parents and pets. We did that together, tho. I do know that his didn't matter to Steve. I think about mine and I don't really care either. I had at one point tried to think of where his should go and came up blank except for where we have put all our furry kids. We do have a living Xmas tree that started at 4 feet in here and is well over 35 feet outside. I had hoped his brother would want some to put with his sister and parents in CA, but he didn't seem interested. They are in a storage chest with the last dog we lost who was his baby girl a couple months before he left. Maybe someday it will something I do. I do know he had gotten to hate his body and wanted no more to do with it. I think that influences my motivation. He so hated the ravages he endured and wanted out of it. Maybe the fact that fire consumed what the cancer did is enough.

Marty, you're like the fries in Happy Meals, the best crayon in the box. ??

I look at it this way if one runs across the word obsession in our cases. Steve was first in my world, trumped anyone or thing. I love him like I have no other. So yup, I'm obsessed with him. Did anything I could when he alive, see how empty it is without him. I don't have shrines, but I have things I will not change of his because I can't. Death erased enough. I know there are people that feeel I am obsessed with grief. I suppose that is true. How can I not be? But that's their problem, not mine. I have enough dealing with my own life than their opinions.

I don't know how often I am hit with the 'how are you?' Question, be it from strangers or walking into where I volunteer. I've tried so many pat answers. Lately it was 'hanging in there', but that isn't true. Then you are suppose do to ask them about themselves. It's something we've lived with for decades unnoticed and now it's something I dread. I've pretty much taken to 'egh' and a shrug. I've stopped asking others that question. It's like a retraining course. Often I don't care how they are doing anyway. I've learned it's usually happy family stuff or complaints I wish I had about problems with thier spouse. I found it was easy for me to drop asking, I just say hi and leave it at that. Maybe someday I'll care again, but it sure isn't now. Back in the final years people would ask about Steve. I could handle that because of one huge difference. He was alive.

Sounds like my kind of support group, Kevin. ??

Unbelievable. Not even a month and that is the response you get? He would be lucky to be alive in my world and I'm at 2 years. I constantly amazed at people's expectations. This was a human being we lost....OUR human being that completed our world, not like losing a wallet and the hassle of replacing the contents.

It's quite maddening. I've never in my life gotten so much input about how I live or should live my life. Everyone is an expert now. I've never asked for thier opinions so I am baffled why they feel that now they can give them so freely. It would be different if I asked, but I haven't. That leads to more stress because now when I talk about another decision I make I know the look of judgement or disapproval immediately. These are all new decisions for me being alone. I have to go with what I can and cannot handle. As they say, it's easy being an armchair quarterback when your world is the same as it always was, your mind is running full speed or you had your partner to help make choices that affect you. The 'if it were me' line just makes me seethe now. I'm not you, I'm me. You haven't lived one minute of my life since it was forever changed. Some are people that have things in place because circumstances needed it at some point. But they always had thier partners backup. I never had to think about pet sitters or drivers if I needed to go to the hospital. I know it seems simple to them to arrange that as they have so many tomrely on, I don't. I'm on my own. How do explain ALONE in a way they can understand? You can't. I couldn't either before. So I'm alone in trying to explain alone. What a 'cluster you know what'.

You are definitely not alone in your feelings, AB. I wake every day wondering what is the point? Things that used to make it worth getting up are hard, if at all, to find. I spend the day waiting to go back to bed for the night. I am also grateful I have all I need physically but one. Him. I have found I cannot talk much about the true grief because outsiders see I have this house, food, etc. As I've told many, you try living without meaning for a couple years and get back to me about how you feel. You try being in love alone. You try and imagine all the little things you take for granted like someone caring if you are late, sick or sad. Also that person you can share the good things in life with. Of course they can't. I don't even know if I hate my life because I don't feel I have one.

Marg, no loss I have experienced trumps Steve's. I miss my parents but it was 'natural' in the flow of life. Other older relatives too. When we started losing friends, things became tougher. Steve was the ultimate. karen, I cannot even imagine how it would feel to lose a child. Im not thrilled with the idea of dying myself, but there is a slight siren song I feel about stopping the daily pain.

Not to make light of such a harrowing experience, but it sure makes wonder where our cosmic brownie points are when we need them. I'm so sorry you had today anyday, Patty.

I once had another user here attack me (without using my name) in open forum. I watched as she got replies of sympathy without hearing the other side. I thought about it and decided not to give her that power and told everyone it was me that had created this horrid offense by an innocent question I asked her privately. My point is as many have stated is we are but human and have differing sensitivities at differing times. We feel such pain and are victims of grief and sometimes we lash out because we can't really 'hit' the grief. In the past 2 years I have read so many articles either I found or were suggested. Some resonated and some turned me off. There is an old abbreviation that has served me well all my life. YMMV. Your mileage may vary. one thing I do know is everyone here, including Marty, are just trying to help the best they can. Sometimes it is not what we need at that time. But the effort is there and I always appreciate that. I was outright accused publically, that is not the case here. Just a tool offered that did not fit. When I weigh these things to the support and caring of actual people here, there is just no comparison to what 'wins'. You are highly valued and the responses to your posts prove that. I can't tell you what to do but I can suggest that an article did not work for you and to leave it behind. We don't need added weight to the burden we now carry. If this offends you, I am sorry. I just hope you see the people that have such openly caring hearts and souls that make our journey a little lighter some days.

Even tho I was raised catholic, none of it made sense to me. For a time I believed in reincarnation in my 20's. Then I forgot about it. When my mother died, my first big loss, it hurt but I didn't wonder where she went. As others passed on in my life I mourned them too. I never felt any sense of them in any way. I thought it was lights out, they are now gone. Now I am challenged in that because it is Steve. He was/is the person I loved most in the world and my life, I want to think he didn't 'poof' out of existence. There have been no signs he is here in any way. I talk to him, but I have no idea if he knows it or not. I also have no idea if I will ever see him again. I wish I had that kind of faith/belief I will, but I don't. Probably why I am having such a hard time facing the rest of my life without him and possibly after that. I have a friend that says he is trying desperately to tell me he still is a spiritual force. She also said he told her I was a hard sell on that idea. He would know! Maybe it is him because she is open to it, there just us no knowing for sure, no matter what our beliefs. I can definitely see that those that have that belief of being reunited have more solace and in many ways I envy you.

Marsha, it's wonderful you had neighbors that cared enough to at least get you to try being social and that it worked. Unfortunately I am alone, no family or friends where I live. Everyone I am close to is long distance. There are people I enjoy seeing where I volunteer, but we don't socialize as thier lives are full. I don't write this for pity, it's just the way things became when Steve left. When he was here his social connections were mine to a point. I did have a couple of good friends, but circumstances changed and they moved away. I'm just amazed that so many changes happened beside losing him. I think we reach an age that forming those connections become harder because people have filled thier lives and are limited on how much more than can include. Way back in my 20's and 30's we had room. Now in my 60's they have kids and grandkids And friends that came with those choices. We never had any kids so it limited involvement. It's but another challenge grief has brought as a side effect.

In this gawd awful new life it keeps hitting me more every day that I now 'live' grief. I used to have a life and every now and then someone dear to us would pass on. It was sad and sobering, but WE continued on together. If I'm not reading things here, I am trying to get thru an empty day. My social life has become therapy and medical apts mostly. The fallout from being a long time caregiver whose body stayed strong and well functioning because it had to. Someone shared with me how they did what I find when he died, turned down so many offers of help (bringing in food, sit and visit, taking me out, etc) but I needed to be alone. Now that I am drowning in that, they have moved on. Not that I am feeling all that social anyway. I do what is required to maintain existence. I know if a Steve could see me he would be so sad about what he had no control over has done. I feel I've lived many emotions, but this one is by far the loneliest and most isolating because to the world, we look the same. But we are not who we were at all. Now I feel like an actress out there. Then I come home the real me and she is a stranger even to me. I want to feel accomplished when I do things like clean up, but it's the task that is distracting. Once done, it's gone. If I could laugh I would today because my big outing is counseling to talk MORE about it. I'd rather be chasing sales of Mountain Dew for Steve as I could never keep the supply up. In my old world, that was accomplishment and rewarding. No describing to anyone on the outside this dark and cold life. Grief will be here to stay, but it does scare me how it has taken over right now. So much so I care so little about anything anymore. The slightest chores seem annoying yet sitting and doing nothing is just as maddening. I hate the TV being on all evening but silence is worse. The restlessness swirls inside all the time.

The anniversaries are so hard even if we want to ignore them. We really don't miss them any less on days that are not calendar specific. But they do remind us of how long we have been apart and alone. It's at these times we are especially misunderstood by the outside world and it's opposite thinking we should be more adjusted, tho none have experienced the simple things like meals and conversations on a daily basis that are gone. Joyce, I understand the anger too. Mine isn't directed at Steve anymore. Just life in general (unproductive but I need somewhere to direct it) and emphasized when I see or hear from others that are sailing along unscathed. I've decided that I have to validate for myself that anger. I don't take it on them, of course, but it is real. Especially complaints about silly things. We know meaning gets stripped from us and it was such little things that provided it. I think that is why I bristle at the suggestions I get for things I would never wanted to do. They won't fill that void of being in love that goes both ways. I get distracted by activities, but when they are done they don't stick. Mucho hugs to you, my friend.

I've checked Amazon and any other facility and found none to buy. We'll have to rely on time, each other and Resources Marty has supplied. I think it's going to be a hard find because as has been said, so much went with them. Looking ahead I don't see much to be enthusiastic about. I'll settle for just a tad more contentment if possible.

I can tell you one thing I truly miss. I always have a glass of wine or two before bed. Have for decades. What I really miss now is going to sleep in contentment. There have been problem that have had to be faced the next day, but I knew we would together. Now I know that I will be alone to muddle thru not only the loneliness and grief, but I'm on my own with every big and little thing that needs attention. Yah, it's part of bing a grownup, I know. I can even accept that most of the time. I just wish I could go to bed feeling appreciation for the down time and knowing I wouldn't feel so ovehelmed in the morning. Now I wake with racing thoughts every day. Grief just keeps on giving. Day after day after day. I don't remember what I felt like to wake up refreshed or relaxed.

Cookie, we have albums of pictures too from the dark ages when that was all there was. Maybe someday I will look at them, but I know right now I could not handle that. There are pictures of him scattered about the house as it is, one of my favorites right bedside my monitor. In them all we are smiling and happy. No one keeps pictures of sad times. I know I can't handle the flood of memories even one of the pictures could bring in our albums. I've gone selectively blind to the ones on the walls. Sometimes I can gaze at them, others I walk right past as if it isn't there. I haven't acted like an ostrich at all about any of this because there is no way to do so. I control what I can, but most I cannot. The biggest feeling I have, like you said, is the feeling he is getting farther and farther away and that is the hardest. I only have memories of things he said day to day that stopped. Now after 2 years I have no new ones for all that has happened. I see so much he hasn't and can't get his feedback on anything. I miss his wit, humor and anger. I'm just adrift trying to paddle this boat alone. It's not smooth sailing as it was always reliant on two.

I have a very hard time with any music, even stuff we never listened to. As I've said before, Steve being a musician, I can hear him in my head explaining things about everything. I really haven't listened to anything in over 2 years now. Only stuff that is used in movies. I miss it but I just cannot do it.

Sometimes I feel like I have so little love to give to anyone. Like my supply has been used up and I keep giving what I can to Steve but nothing comes back anymore. Not something that can be ordered on Amazon. I know that is where the the feeling of meaningless is coming from. The flow has been dammed up without him. I've noticed often that people caring about me just doesn't do it and that worsens the sadness.

Marita, I actually went years with panic attacks while I was taking care of Steve. I was also at my lowest doses of my med doses. When he died I felt like I went back to when I first got the panic disorder. Now I have attacks, anticipatory anxiety and have increased my mess a lot. It's still not enough and I'm stubborn and angry about it. It's an issue I'm now working with my counselor about since it's been so long I've felt so out of control and at the mercy of it. I don't know about you but the stress of the anxiety has also created other physical problems I never had. I'm so sick of feeling sick or afraid. It's a terrible combo. I hope you find a way to regain some balance again. That is my daily struggle too. I dread waking up because of it. One new thing I never had was anxietyin my sleep so escape is really tough. Hugs to you.

Disorders like GAD, depression, Panic and PTSD are not Christian based. I hope it doesn't dissuade people that need medical treatment from getting it. I do hope it helps people with the 'normal' anxiety grief creates.

The word I was looking for is terror. Panic is out and out terror.

It does indeed increase the intensity and frequency of anxiety and panic. We are already chemically altered to have fear when then is no danger. Fight or flight response. It's the most horrible thing I have ever felt, so out of control. I used to get so mad when people would say 'everyone gets nervous'. This is drastically different. It's as hard to explain as is the grief we are going thru to someone who has not experienced it. it sounds to me like you did have an anxiety attack at the bank. Wanting to flee to safety. What we learn in therapy is that fear lives in us and goes where we go. Tho there have been many times I have had to leave places because it reduced the intensity not trying to interact with someone/thing. anticipatoty anxiety is another hallmark. Not just being nervous but attacks at the thought of doing something. And it's not something you can talk yourself out if rationally because it is physical.