Gwenivere

I am so frustrated by this memory stuff too. Memories are what Steve and I talked about or came up in conversation with others now and then. They didn't hurt because they weren't all that I have left. I don't reallly even think about the bad times anymore. It's those darned good memories that are killing me. They came to a screeching halt. Bam! Done, over, no more...ever. We can't live on memories. That is the hard task of this grief. So what to do? The memories I am creating now are how I survive without the others. It's not a rewarding existence. Yippee, I got up another day to a world that reminds me that it is forever changed and always will be. Everywhere I look I see memories. Not another experience at the store, fast food place or wherever to add to the flow of our life. I go to the hardware store for things and remember when we did projects together. I truly feel if another person tells me how lucky I am to have these memories I am going to explode and lash out. Not just the ones in life who haven't experienced this, but even people here. I'm so sick of being told how 'lucky' I was/am. If any where I know I can say this it is here. I do not feel lucky. I feel broken. I know my outlook is not healthy or even leaning positive about the future right now, i don't need to be reminded of that. That is why I am in counseling frustrating her. That is why I don't share my feelings with the very few people I talk much now unless I trust them not to try and fix me. I am told I am resisting. I'll agree to that. I am resisting (and yes I know to my own detriment) ways I may feel better. But it's where I am. Am I choosing to feel miserable? Can't answer that. I surely don't want to but I don't know how to envision what life I have left without him even tho I have just spent 2 years doing so. I was told it gets easier. Well, I'm still waiting and doing what people do to live, finding I can handle problems we dud as a team alone and yet I feel no better. Motivation, purpose, meaning. They have to come from me and I am empty right now. I carry Steve in my heart every day. When I wonder why I feel like I am going insane I just have to remember I've never been here before. These are the times I feel I loved him too much. Maybe that was my mistake, not that I had a choice. Maybe that is my anger. He walkiped into my life almost 40 years ago and then walked out. I don't know how to fix that. I will ask after writing this to please don't tell me again all I have read for almost a year about luck and positive times. They hurt too much. End of word salad. How'd I do, Marg? Give you a run for your money? :-)

It really does suck, Patty, when once special days pile up on each other. I just did the date of his death, his birthday, next is Thanksgiving and my birthday the day after and then the haul thru Christmas and our anniversary in January. It will be my 3rd though them, but the first was in shock, don't even remember, last year I wasn't as depressed and i really don't know how I will fare this year. We get thru, but at what cost?

My kids are extremely bonded to me. One is too old to care about playing, the other too shy about strangers. Guess we wil just be the little pack we are boring as that canon be at times. As for easing of pain, they are pretty self centered on thier needs but happy if I summon the interest to play.

Thank you, Kay. I choose to believe it is love I feel from the furry kids. What makes me feel bad is I don't return it right now as I normally would. I know it is from having to do everything for them for needs and then they want play which was always easier to have a partner to do some of it. I only have one dog that we had together and she has moved past grief. That magic they possess for being in the moment after she got used to he wasn't a part of daily life anymore. That is not to say she wouldn't be in absolute heaven if he walked thru the door!

It is the same for me and has been for years. The season starting losing meaning the sicker Steve got. I'd say it has been a good. 4 years since it was anything it used to be. We stopped decorating much and the idea of presents got lost knowing they had a 'shelf life' at the time. We knew his would expire. Takes the fun out of gifts. It helped us to move to another plane of appreciating being together even more. I definitely miss our old traditions and looking for gifts for him, I often see things now. Our anniversary is in January and that will be hard. There is nothing to celebrate beyond knowing we had them I our lives. I liked the going out to dinner much better. Go figure.

I want to thank all of you for your caring and supportive replies. A part of not feeling love is I feel I have none to give to others. I so want to feel connected to those few that matter in my life. This is definitely hard for me as I so want to be that caring person I was. And I do care, I just feel used up right now. Running low on supply. Marty, you say love ourselves as they loved us. I understand the concept, but I don't know how to do that. I'm trying to find goals, reason, purpose as this new me. It's such a slow journey tho. It's like learning what love is al over again in this new world.

I know Steve wouldn't want me to be miserable. But he of all people would understand. So hence the dilemna. also his telling me he didn't know if he could survive the loneliness. Can't live in memories. Can't make more now. He depending on my touch and thoughts as I did his. To have that stop is like another death. Good soul? Well, one that is still here, griping, whining or ever questioning. Best I can do. :-). Thanks for that Mitch.

To steal from Kay from another topic.... *** I've lost grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, niece, nephew, friends, and lots of pets, but the hardest by far was my husband. I think pets ranked second, they're in your everyday life and it affects you on a deep level. The level of grief seems to correlate with the depth of love we shared, of course everyone handles grief differently so what we see is not necessarily what is. **** I am forced to face all the feelings grief brings. Last night after months of confusion and frustration I realized something that was readily apparent but I missed. Yes, the hardest loss ever will be Steve. I agree with Kay losing pets is 2nd in my life as we had no kids, truly close family and friends, and while important, was not a 24/7 relationship. That doesn't mean I didn't miss them terribly when we lost them. I read so much here about love. What I feel is the intense and irreplaceable love I have for Steve and our furry kids. I know if you never had a pet it may sound kinda crazy. Where I seem to stray from most on this is I don't feel love anymore. Love coming to me. There are a lot of 'love you's' when I talk to the few people still in my life and it's a nice phrase, but I don't truly feel it coming to or going from me. I don't feel Steve still loving me anymore. I think about him often and only feel my love for him and the emptiness that it has left me. Like a well that is running dry for my soul. I don't have the feeling many have of carrying that to keep them going. So I wonder, how long can a person keep living while they find that well that was always being replenished drying up? I don't write him, barely talk to him now. He is not here. I don't have that feeling he knows or is aware of my love for him. I am alone. I don't even know what my dogs feel is truly love or need and instinctual bonding. I have to settle on they are happy as they cannot tell me. So I will trek out into the world yet again feeling I am not loved by anyone. I will come home to the reminders of a time I was. I will go thru the motions of living. I will see couples hold hands, put am arm around the other is even discuss whether this cereal is better that that one. Together. i will hear the plans in person or on phones for daily life. Yes, I was loved once. Yes, it was a great thing. But it doesn't carry me thru the days and keep me alive inside. If anything, it is the opposite. I have no real love to give to anyone right now. It would be a disservice to Steve if I was not totally changed by this. I really envy those of you that find that love you have a flame still burning to spur you on to this new life we face. Maybe I wil find it someday, but not today.

I feel this every day coming home. The conditioned response for decades is being wiped out. I am now dreading coming home because I know I will be alone. I have to do the walk thru getting the house set for night. Once that is done and dogs fed, on goes the TV and the long hours of no conversation or interaction with someone. Big decision is what to eat since I don't really care but have to eat. I've had people suggest timers but it isn't the same as coming home to a truly warm house, no matter how many lights I leave on. Timers can't shut the blinds and hug me when I walk in. As for becoming more social, that's a tough one. I'd have to feel some actual interest in something to attempt that. I never felt I was missing anything so that takes that out of the picture. I try and think of things that appeal but find nothing yet. I pretty much live Groundhog Day over and over. I looked for a new vacuum yesterday and realized when I got to the car that I am so on my own. Steve would have input even tho he didn't use it. The team thing. Feels so odd buying things and no excitement about something new now. Had to replace a lamp also and that he would want input on for the decor. I would win usually, but I miss the reasoning why one would be better than another. I hate being single.

I'm happy that seeing Kevin made you feel good. We all are in such desperate need of that. My dreams of Steve cause me more pain, so it's a conundrum for me. Mostly because they are not warm, I am see him but can't get to him. I'm finding so hard to mentally bridge this gap between the mortal world and one we cant see into or know exists.

Now THAT is one of the best puns ever.

Thank you all of your replies. That meant so much to read when I got home. The apt. went better than I anticipated. Isn't that always the way? I left with a headache because I had gotten myself all worked up and talking openly with a real life human always gets me caught up in my emotions. He really listened and we have another apt. next week. One thing he said I found very interesting was a reference to the crucifixion of Christ. It wasn't said for religious reasons but to illustrate a point. One day a man is brutally murdered. 2 days later there is wonderment and relief. But what about the Saturday in between? His point being we are in that Saturday not knowing what or if our pain for this man will ever lessen. Of course that Saturday is longer than a day. Never would have thought about that. You are all wonderful and caring people. I thank whatever karma I did right to find you!

Oh Gin, I am so sorry you are being hit by these most painful dates. I don't think hey would be easier in sunny months, but there is something about the darkness that just adds to the intensity.

Kay, this precisely why I don't use FB of other social media. I don't have friends there anyway, but if I did, my reasoning is why aren't we talking voice about things? Why is this posted for others to read? It's like the old days with phone booths. If people got to close we'd say, this is private. Now people spill their guts and more we don't want to hear without a 2nd thought. I've even asked people if they could speak lower because I don't want to hear thier conversations.

Ah, got it. I'm not a fan of Cheetos, but potato chips in al many delectable flavor are my downfall. Sweets not so much. I'm probably the only person who would grab Lays over a chocolate bar.

I have my 2nd apt. with a new therapist this afternoon who has agreed to work with my grief counselor. I cannot break out if this no will to live. I've never experienced such a dark place, never even knew it existed inside of me. I dud some research on the guy after meeting him and he leans very Jungian. For those not familiar, thier goal is to delve into inner self even from long past. I only came into these feeling since Steve died. As we see in that 'getting to know one another' phase, I have my list of goals to talk with him about. Most being finding meaning in life again. This trodding day after day with no compass is maddening. I'm writing thud because last week he asked me to bring a list of songs that reflect how I feel. I couldn't find any. Only ones that reflected times that represent memories of our life and love. So today I ask him if this Jung approach will help me. It can be painstakingly slow and I don't feel I have the time to get some much needed footing to get to a place where these techniques of meaning will work. I fee like I am in crisis mode and that requires immediate help first. Sorry, I'm just babbling because I am nervous to go. I've already checked out one other clinic that rejected me because the counselor I would have seen does not believe in the meds I have been taking for decades for my panic disorder. She didn't get I wouldn't have even been there if not for them. Steves birthday is tomorrow so I know that is weighing me down too as well as his 2nd year gone from this earth on 10/29. I want to care about life. I made an apt. For one of my dogs for Friday, but it seems a chore. I've ever felt hot hat about my furry kids! The loss of light is quite severe in the Pacific Northwest too. It's dark about 5 and will only get worse. I feel like a victim and I hate that. I keep,wondering where that strong woman went. Oh, and add in this frigging election. I saw on the news therapists saying clients were so stressed out because of resources within. Thier advice? Watch as little as possible. A creative challenge to find old movies for the night.

Kevin, I don't even want to think about birthdays. Steves is Weds, just a week and a half after the anniversary of his death. Mine is later in the month. We always had one dinner out for both at a specific restaurant as well as for our anniversary. They'll just be two more lonely nights. Haven't been there in over 2 years. was this your 1st birthday alone? Even if we don't do much, having them three makes all the difference. Do take care, Kevin.?

Oh my lord! You took her rum raisin and also kept the cheesecake? That's just plain cruel, Marg!

Great point, Brad. So many songs I avoid because of the words.

You posted the point Marty was trying to make with the first 2 words of that sentence. I know Kay had the best of intentions. I just consider it wise to always add it is our own opinion/belief. Some things can scare people that are very lost and we can't know what they might be. We can't presume to know what others reading will feel (hope, fear, despair) when reading here. It's not a knowledge of how forums work. This isn't like ones about iPhones or mechanics that have definitive answers. People are vulnerable in grief. That is what I feel needs to be kept in mind.

Does it really matter what it is called, Gin? I have no idea about afterlives, but if I get to be with Steve again, that will be a great gift. He had 2 other wives, I had another husband. But what we had far surpassed what either of us felt with those people. I know we would choose to be together again jus as we did here. This is also information from someone also stuck on this side. The priest does not really know, only what has faith believes. Frankly, I consider priests the least likely to know anything about marriage or deep love ties with another person.

I get torn in my feelings about this, Kay. I, too, see life beginning for others. Think about the time that was me. I truly feel if Steve were here and we could reminisce about those times for us, it would make all the difference. Having to hear about them alone just adds to the pain of times we had it so good too. It would have to be with him, too. The little stories I've told people here and there feel OK at the time, then I walk away feeling so empty. I don't know how to balance this. Life will continue to unfold around me with others. The balance seems to be the couples that face getting older together. Another part if thier journey. Growing content with each stage. Doing that alone feels so very cold. I have albums of actual pictures (way before the digital age) I remember commenting to him about would be a hoot to look at when we were old and gray. Little did I know they are only mine now. Can't even imagine looking at them ever again. Have no kids or anyone that would care to take that walk down memory lane. They are creating their own. There were times we did drag them out looking for something and get caught up looking at more. Always brought a warm glow. Now they sit. I have them in my head, but not as vividly as seeing the pictures. I consider them gold for our future. Now, they are but containers of what is gone without him to share with.

I know it's hard, Mitch. It's very hard for me to feel happiness or empathy for people around me now. I just hope this doesn't become a permanent scar in my personality. That would be a very bad thing if I lost appreciation that life brings great things to others as it did to me once.

Cookie, I think in the 2nd year we truly come to know how real this is. I spent the 1st crying and wanting him back. Now I know that isn't possible and the pain has shifted to a different reality. The crying is about knowing with absolute clarity I am on my own. I like to use the word 'outsiders' because that is what they truly are. I don't mean it as a judgement, but we are set apart now from anyone who has not placed on this path. I spent a night writing to someone who kept advising me with no experience. It took everything I had to put into words what this kind of loss does to a person. I even told him the Steve he saw was the one trying to protect his friends from his fears so they would remember him as the fighter he was. This persons response? Nothing. Not a word. It broke my heart he couldn't acknowledge my or Steves fight with the demon who took him and why I will never be the same as that is what he wants. If he can't accept I am changed forever, he'll never get the depth of this as he continually tells me of all he and his wife are doing and planning. And the kicker? He's worn out from friends and family that are always coming by to visit. What am I supposed to say to that? I'm sorry you have such a full life? Gee, I wish you could have some loneliness to make you feel better? So sorry so many people care and want to see you? How awful you are part of so many lives with purpose? I can buy the 5 year thing as very possible. Even then, it will be with me always. I know the people ahead of me can attest to that. What was also hard was to give up that there was an end to this. That was my outsider thinking that is now a thing of the past.

Ugh, once you do donate you do get on thier list and are hounded. We settled on 4 charities we give to every year. I have upheld that tradition. It does annoy me when I have just given to one they enclose an envelope for more. I still get things from charities I have to years ago and quit. They send labels, calendars, coins, pens, pads to get you to give. The mail stuff I can deal with as my recycle bin is very handily placed. It's the phone calls that really annoy me. I've begun telling them to remove me/us frim thier list. I've even had to raise my voice to get thier attention over thier script they ramble. One really annoyed me asking if I would send out requests fir them. ??? I said.....you want me to do your job for a cause I'm not even contributing to? I also pill out the widow card if needed saying this is a house in mourning, lease leave us alone.