Gwenivere

Kay, My post was further in the thread about having feelings of not wanting to go on. It was not directed at any individual here. It dismays me you would think I wouldn't have compassion and concern if someone posted that was thier intent here.

I know I feel like this quite often. Rationally I know it wasn't his choice to cause me so much pain. But there have been times I've cussed him out for it. I know he would understand. You're right, Martha, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

What amazes me if one expresses the thought of suicide it is jumped on by people like we are nuts. Well, grief is not logical, that's for sure. I've never used the word around anyone but my counselor, but even saying I don't want to be here without him will have people telling me all the reasons I should. What an assortment of things I have heard that mean nothing to me. Of course, we know these people cannot comprehend the enormous pain and that it will never really end. I've had nothing but health problems since Steve died. My body just started falling apart when my caregiver role ended. The stress of that came thru loud and clear. Last night I was so sick with what I now know is pneumonia I sobbed and begged death to just take me now. So we do think it, feel it. I often want to 'go to sleep' as he did and leave this world behind. As Maryann said, it's an extreme trauma. Maybe that would be a better word to use as grief is on such a timeline for those not experiencing it. I suspect, tho, that word would be lost on them.

I'm like Ana. Going into this 3rd year has been the toughest. It began in the 2nd, but really hitting now. I just can't get used to the loneliness. The longer he is gone, the more I find myself remembering what a content life we had. I'm alone, but have yet to find a way around the fear that brings often. There is nothing like the safety we feel when we have that someone who may not fix everything, but can at least be there as we go through it. Together. There is just no getting around the remainder of our lives are forever changed.

Finding a counselor is often difficult. Finding a counselor when we are emotionally adrift is an even bigger challenge. Were you prescribed meds as you say maybe I should just take them? I know it seems easy for me to say keep trying. One thing I did was interview them on the phone before making an appointment. If a counselor will not agree to speak with you about your needs and issues for 10-15 minutes, then they are not in the running. I could state my situation and what I wanted help with and see if they felt they could meet at least minimal standards. A good counselor will tell you if they can or if they can't direct you to a collegue they may know. One thing you don't ever have to do is 'give in'. You need help making decisions. Don't hand all your power to someone else. Even printing out some of your prior posts for a therapist to read will help them see where you are and save you from having to restate it over again. It's a good starting point, IMO. I rarely go to counseling without notes jotted down because I know my mind is like Swiss cheese right now and some could get lost in the holes.

I'm amazed you could do this at all. The saying is wait a year before big decisions and I can see why. I still have Steve's car after a little over 2 years. I know it not being here would just gut me right now. I don't know how we are supposed to know when to do things anymore. The hardest part is having to do so as it so,as Karen said, twists the knife. I wish I knew something to say to ease your pain. There just is no mercy when grief enters our life. It's an insidious monster, cold and cruel.

Oh Autumn, what a terrible month for you. Hardly room to breathe thru all that. It may be the shortest month, but that doesn't matter in matters of the heart. ?

Thank you for all your thoughts and wishes. I just got home from volunteering and found this weird thing that happens occasionally. There was a missed call on my phone display from Steve. I have yet to figure out why it happens, I'm sure it is something from a ringback when a solicitor calls and hangs up, but it was freaky to come home to today. The number listed he called from is our home phone number. Can't call you own phone. It's the last thing I really needed to see. These are the times I wish I could still drink my Jack Daniels and call it a day. ?

Thank you AB. Joy is not a word in my vocabulary anymore. Yes, there was joy, but I question if if I will ever feel it again. If I could feel some kind of peace that would be the closest thing.

For once I am grateful we never did anything for this holiday. Get to glide thru this one and only have to deal with seeing couples, but been doing that just on a typical day when around people in general. We bought each other little things as we saw them throughout the year.

Sorry to hijack your thread, Maryann, but the title was perfect. Today would have been Steve's and my 34th anniversary. Doubt we would have done more than exchange cards, but even that little thing meant the world as w always personalized them with poems. we would have gone somewhere different for dinner Saturday night for it. An anniversary place so he could get a Reuben and I could get a patty melt. Real high rollers. . 4 years ago he gave me an anniversary ring for our 30th and that is more valuable to me than my wedding ring. See it as the getting married was the easy part, the making it thru decades together was the real testament to that commitment. Of course, he is not here, but I also am getting a cold so I feel that old saying.....never ever say things can't get worse. This is the last holiday I have to get thru til October when everything starts up again with his death, bdays and the 'happy happy joy joy' holidays I just tolerate now. its an odd feeling. I haven't emotionally crashed, but I feel like I am done. Done with the world. Back to that 'why am I even here anymore' mode. I've been waiting and looking for meaning or purpose for 27 months now and nada. This really feels like slow torture. I really can't think of any other words. Tonight will be another like so many. Alone.

I think that is the %100 reason. There is absolutely no way to comprehend this if you never have before. Even with the anticipatory grief and seeing it actually happen, I was in no way prepared for the reality. We find as time goes by about how we are soooooo misunderstood by the expectation to heal. A year, two or 10 seems sufficient to those who have no idea the impact of having your life ripped in two and knowing it will never be the same again. This is a hard reality to face along with the actual loss. The loneliness it creates now comingles with the actual loneliness itself. It's a terrible recipe. I don't know what it is about inlaws, but mine don't reach out to me either. His sister used to, but after she died, his brother and other family do not. I can call them, but it would be nice to feel I was still viewed as part of the 'family' that they promised him they would do. I get more contact from his boss and Steve retired 4 years ago. Some take thier commitment more seriously I suppose.

Taking over Marty's chair, just be sure you tell your therapist what your biggest issues are. There are so many antidepressants and some target particular things, like for Brad, than others. The goal of all is to relieve the depression, but some can hype you and others do the opposite. Keep us posted! ?

I am obviously not a doctor, but it concerns me when a therapist says you 'definitely' need meds after one brief meeting without some full sessions to talk about what is happening to you. Being so new to this grief as you are I'm a bit leery when they want to throw pills at someone right off the bat. It doesn't mean you may not need some help with anxiety as that is a real biggie. A decision about taking antidepressants is not something to take lightly. My question to this therapist is why they feel that with so little information before getting to know you and all you are experiencing. They could be right, but to say that right off the bat seems premature. Many have gone that route while others respond quite well to just having an outlet. I'm on both, but was before I even lost Steve. You are just over a month into this so don't be pressured or 'sold' these are miracle fixes as they are not. I'm more pro anti anxiety meds because one is in overload. To get a respite in the turmoil. That not uncommon in the first few months. I just hope this isn't a therapist trying to numb you out. As much as we hate It, we have to feel it to work on it. Strictly my opinion.

George, that is so heartbreaking. I'm so glad you had other Valentines to remember. We never ever think when we choose those times to make special that they can be so uprooted and leave us devastated.

I know I have said it before, but I have so many rcordings of Steve's voice in his music. Also our answering machine too, tho I try and grab calls (mostly telemarketers) before they trigger it. Even after 2 years I can't listen to his music. What I really miss is normal conversation. Just hearing him talk either to me, the dogs or buddies. Sometimes I forget how he sounded. His music is too much of a trigger tho. I have been using the TV as background noise but couldn't take tonight and turned it off. So quiet without that guy.

A kind Way of putting it, Brad.....messses with our minds. Such civilized words.

Been having a battle with sciatica myself for over a week. Never knew so much pain. So sorry about your car but so glad you weren't in it. I saw my doc and she said there was little to do except pain meds and wait it out. Easy for her to say. One thing that did help was avoiding stairs. Glad you saved the squirrel!

What I have found is if I start a reply and the software hangs up or I come back to the thread later, touch on reply it is still there. Magic maybe? Or just luck? ☘️

Saturday I woke up missing my mother. She's been gone 26 years now. It was a sadness I couldn't shake all day and wondered where it came from so deeply. I realized she was the other person who loved me unconditionally and while there have even times she has come to mind, I so wanted to call her about my sadness about Steve. She would know exactly what not to say. As with most mothers, she would just soothe the pain a bit by just being her. She was a widow herself before marrying the man I came to know as my father since mine died when I was a baby. I spent the day in a sadness I could not shake missing these 2 people that so influenced my life. She knew Steve completed the life I was always looking for. She watched me in my wild days looking for one thrill to the next. She didn't approve of our living together before getting married, but she came to love him as a son. So beyond my so called BFF's and other 'love' interests years ago, I truly felt the aloneness my life has become. There were people I could have called, but I needed someone that required few words. There was no one. I watched my dogs playing so happily, always in the moment and again envied them in their trust in the world. Something we have all lost. There are so many things I miss, but that is a big one. To be so forever changed now. I so wish I could call her and say......I miss Steve so much and hear her say.....I know.

I think you answered your own question, Ana. WE are the ones that were closest to the person and reading all these 'flowery' things people post in venues that are really about them. We didn't do anything wrong. We don't feel those good things because we were sharing our lives 24/7 with our lives. Others were only experiencing time here and there. Plus, odds are, their lives haven't drastically changed, even if they were siblings. Parents are another story as losing a child is horrifying. People live these online lives with social media and I have always found it cold and have nothing to do with it. A perfect example was his first birthday after his death and people posted thoughts to him on his page. A more caring and thoughtful expression would have been to email me these rememberances. That convinced me of truly missing the point of dealing with real life. Someone caring alerted me to this and it was the wierdest thing seeing it's to a deceased person, like he could read them?

Oh, I would love to say that to people, Ana. That truly expresses the hell this is and how others think we look and therefore must feel inside. It's hard to face that day after day knowing the emptiness we carry that is so heavy.

I'm glad some of you have people to still share in your life. I know it's not the same. Unless I am out somewhere there are people, I am alone at home. I really miss the meals as we always ate at the table and no technology was allowed. It was s time for talk and enjoying time uninfluenced by anything but conversation. We both liked taking turns cooking so now it is a chore knowing I will sit there by myself. I don't want to sit in front of the TV. It seems almost lonelier than starring at that enpty chair and placemat. So often I feel I am heading for that breakdown. I've never felt like I really could lose my mind before now. I guess I have said it too many times because even my counselor will remin me I keep saying that and I haven't succumbed. But I feel it getting closer and mostly because I am battling several physical challenges one of which is unrelenting pain for a week. That really wears what little resolve you have down quickly.

The other night I was laying in bed and realized that Steve and I never talked about if we would see each other again. He believed in god, but not in an organsized religion way. I don't have that belief. I think about all we did talk about regarding his leaving and what we could only imagine that entailed. Marriage vows are man written and end with 'til death do us part'. I know no one knows what really is on the other side of our last breath, but now I sure wish I knew what he thought. I have no idea and tho neither of us could know, it would have been helpful to have talked about our philosophies on that. I'm really kinda amazed we didn't think to talk about it. We knew whoever was left behind would carry our love til thier last day. I only vaguely remember him saying once after losing one dog he adored about seeing her soon as it was about 3 months before he left and he was cradling her just before we set her free from her cancer. This grief thing sure brings up thoughts endlessly.