Gwenivere

Having panic disorder myself, milk is so right on in her post. I've been on medication for 30 years now and without therapy it would only be part of the solution. Losing Steve definitely called for a change after decades of a well workable ability to live with the disorder. It's so important to learn this IS biochemical and not a weakness. Having this enormous grief enter my life made the anxiety and fear that comes with it get out of control. Plus I've lost my safe person. Just his presence would help me face things that would trigger attacks. Now things come up that are very hard to handle on my own. Most of the time I didn't even need him with me, it was knowing he was in my life. Being alone creates fear by itself, but a chemical disorder creates a huge challenge. Thank you for your post, milk.

I know, Marita....just reading that turned me into a popsicle! ❄️

Hope you don't lose power, Kay. The PNW sure has been getting slammed with these horrid cold temps we aren't used to.

We were fortunate the hospice we had didn't care about addiction. Any time Steve's pain ramped up, they increased meds. There was no doubt he was addicted to them. But when your time is limited, it is not a time that should EVEN be a concern. He had to give up driving of course. Small trade off for quality of life left.

Thank you for all your input. It's helpful knowing a clearer answer and so many understanding how deep this goes. Still leaves us seeking solutions, if there are any and that it something I don't think there is. Adapt seems to be the key word. I can adapt to a new lamp. This? Hardest challenge ever. As I was writing I had to take a call about utilities billing and they were in Steves name, not mine. Long story short, the rep found a way I didn't have to drag out the death certificate and POA because the house is in my name only now. Thought I was done with those more legal erasure. I was so grateful to the rep for saving me that emotional task, but it knocked me for a loop. It reminded me of I am alone yet again. Like I could ever forget. ?

I'm about to go to counseling and I was thinking about how many ways we describe this emptiness and grief. Last night it was like a little epiphany. Nothing we all don't know, but I could never find the succinct words. We all lost that one person who gave meaning to our life just by existing. The other important and irreplaceable part is they did that for us. Some of us are fortunate to have close family and friends, some are not. Some find them a burden, others a blessing. But deep down, the crux of it is that two people in the whole world found each other and just by existence created a meaning no job or creative passion can compete with. Ive been waking up for months in a despair unlike any other and kept writing it off as missing him, knowing I will never see him in my life, the little day to day things eve did or said. It sounds very much the same until I realized I truly mattered to someone. That my very existence gave meaning to them. All I had to do was turn that mirror around to see the same for me. It explains so much why I wander thru life now without feeling I matter at all. Well, I matter in limited ways to some, but not as to make thier life matter to them. There are other bonds, parent/child, siblings, best friends and they all carry meanings also that when lost are terribly hard. But this was that person we chose, and they us, to commit everything to no matter what. My bond with my mother was not of my choosing. Friends were choices, but they are not the same Totality. None of these people I so loved were the miracle of finding that soulmate. Many never do. They marry and commit, but retain limits. Even pets are chosen, but not equally. They don't get a say even tho the bond becomes deep. They were waiting for anyone to take them into thier lives. Ok, this wasn't succinct, but it sure as heck made me understand fully why getting up every day seems so pointless right now. Seeing how much larger that void is and knowing that when I do it again tomorrow, it will be so hard. I want to matter to that someone so much that they can't imagine life without me as I am living what it is like to lose that and getting it back. No matter what I do every day, I know that my living is not giving meaning to anyone anymore but for short periods of time. I also see how you parents get at least a taste of meaning for being in the lives of the products of your chosen partner. But they break away to thier own lives just as we did. thank gawd for this place because I often don't know if I am making any sense, but I can at least give it a try here. If not, well, I got to purge some random neurons firing needing an outlet.

I can totally relate, Kay. There are so many things I do during my day I can here things he used to say. What I miss are the new ones he'd have come up with. But I still hear his comments and teases in my head. After reading Amy's blog, I got sad as she talked about all the things he hasn't been able to see since he left. That is always hard. There are things I will never know what he would have said in those cases. Only imagination is left to on those and he was one that usually exceeded anything I can make up on my own, even knowing him as I did. Sometimes I feel I little ridiculous because I hear the old things and still relate,y to them in my head. Again, the huge amount of little things that created a wonderful 'whole'.

The SCREW GUILT sticker is not because I am not crude. I worked a career as a female phone tech with nothing but buys for years back when no was the only female tech in NM. BE one or be an outsider. I'm afraid the software here and some oriole's ears would no want to hear my sailors mouth. And that finger, it gets used quite a bit.

I think this is THE hardest part of this process. I love our home, but I am so weary of bouncing between seeeing all we did to make this a home and now feel so sad coming home to its emptiness. Yet he is everywhere. I can feel the psychological drop as I drive home knowing it will be just as I left it. No signs of his being present while I was gone. It has been suggested I move, but we spent 30 years here making it perfect. To move would be make decisions about every thing in this house. I also know the pain would follow me anyway. Another location would not even be home much less lift the pain of his being gone. As I have found, I can't even put his placemat at the kitchen table away. I so want to love coming home again.

Amazing how they become a vital part of the decor of our life now.

Steve, just how big are your pockets?

This is what I am experiencing. Never in my life have I been alone. People that disappeared from my life were painful, but I had him always to turn to. Now with him gone there is no one that can comfort me as only he could. It is that 24/7 connection. People don't get it. Yah, I talk to people, I interact, I carry on and solve problems that come up. But in the dark of night, when I am aching from loneliness because I can't turn to him and say anything and get a reply, that is ultimate cold solitude.

Gin, guilt is hard to get out from under. But if you really think about it, didn't you do everything you could think of at the time? I know I did. It's the looking back that trips us up because we aren't in crisis as we were. I have a sticker on my monitor that says SCREW GUILT and have had for years, long before I faced his loss. I view guilt as a useless emotion, unless we did something intentionally wrong. It's draining and it sucks any self esteem right out of you. Did you do the best? I'm going to say yes, you did. I know I did. I know everyone here did. Don't know if that helps, you have to believe it in yourself.

I wish I knew some magical words for you. But I have learned honesty is the best thing we can offer those beginning this journey. It will get worse before it gets better. This is so new for you. I know that is hard to hear, but the upside of that is you are in a place where so many can help when you stumble and you can see progress in others and yourself as the time goes by. As for only so much pain, I still struggle with that and I am at 2 years with no one to live for but myself. Those that have family have at least some thin rope to hang onto and this is when you will need that more than ever. It's hard not to be impatient, but this loss is so much more than something as annoying as losing your wallet and you have to scramble to replace everything. Time is of the essence for credit cards and such. You will process this as only you can and it will be right for you. That is what you will have to tell others on the outside because they will try and fix you which they can't. This is a class/course we got signed up for without our permission so you can kick back at rules and expectations all you want. It is your right. Someday someone will come here where you are now and you can help,them. Compassion is one gift from all this pain.

I have been bitten by the guilt monster. Far too many tims. What I do now is take those thoughts and remind myself of the craziness I saw happening, knowing I was losing him and say I did the best I could given I was so personally affected and thoughts of things I might have changed cannot be done when that emotional. The very reason medical personnel are not to treat their own family. It's not easy but I can't go back there and add that to how I have to survive now and only maybe saved him a couple of days. The important thing is I know he knew for years that I cared for him in illness I would have done anything I could have thought of for his comfort. If I missed something, I missed it. It's far too easy to look back now, not in the moment and conjure different reactions.

i don't know if it would help,me, but I have not gone to any in person support groups because of how I react talking on the phone to either people and my counselors. Here we can do that when it feels OK and can handle it. Being in person with others (having done them when my mother died) kept me trapped in that sadness. It's a conundrum as I really need personal interaction with people that understand. Im just not sure a structured environment in this case is a good thing for me. Plus it is at night I have the most problem being alone and I can't see driving to a place to emphasize that more.

Steve was alway the more social one just by his connection with his band and a gazillion ther musucians. When he worked a corporate job he befriended lots of people. So that became my social life outside my volunteering and the dog park. With that gone the loneliness is indescribable. We had our sacred time together that meant no outside people. It was a perfect balance now thrown completely out of whack. As we all have, I have gotten a million suggestions of things to do and some judgements as to why I am not more involved in life. We all lost a beautifully functioning life and people don't get it's starting all over again on our own after years of being together. They don't understand that doing things by yourself can intensify that loss. They think just being around others will lift us up. Just yesterday I was on the phone with a woman and she was having to field questions from her kids and husband as we talked. They don't get THAT is what is missing for us. Day to day interaction NOT requiring massive effort to feel connected with life.

New Years wasn't a holiday that meant much to us for a long time. All I ever did was get out the new calendars to put up, marking one with birthdays and such. Of course Steve's is always marked too. I thought I was doing OK today until I got home. This may sound weird, but I wish it were the first New year since Steve passed in 2014. I was in shock, but that isn't the reason. I hate turning over the date to another year I know I will have to face without him. There was something comforting about being closer to his presence in my life. I'm not feeling less love, if anything more and so far away from him now. The deep longing to talk to him again and endless nights alone are mounting. A little over 2 years ago I didn't know how bad the loneliness could be. So now the holiday means something to me, but not in a good way at all. It's a quirky twist this was our date night for dinner out every week. It's also going to snow so we would have loved getting home and snuggled in together for the night. I'd rather be missing him a couple of months than 26. I never expected this overwhelming desire to go back to a time I thought was horrible but now realize it was the being closer to his presence. I don't want to spend another day without him, much less a year.

I am such a Mr. Spock, George. I believe we die because that is the nature of being mortal beings and things that go wrong or we just wear out. And boy, there are days I really feel that wearing out. ?

It's so hard, Marita. I didn't think today would bother me as it was a non holiday for us. Now it marks the beginning of another year without him. I have all new calendars to put up filled with more and more days to get thru. many hugs to you for the significance of today and looking at the beginning of your lives tigether and your upcoming anniversary. I know it was so special getting engaged on the eve. We had no idea then that that joy could be turned into such pain.

Thanks for the explanation, Marg.

What is this about a mustard seed? I have heard the term before. Your last sentence is as precise at it gets.

For me, these are questions and wonderings I avoid. There is no way to know as it is. The journey that is my life now in grief is so filled with realities of changes that I try not to add more to the devastation I have to carry every day. Plus, it is looking backward to something that cannot now be changed even if we knew something different. There a a couple of things in my case that might have made a difference, but only in delaying the inevitable. 2 years later, he would still be gone. Unless it was malpractice, nature does what it does and is quite cruel. I don't even go back there if possible because living it once was enough.

Cookie, I can so relate to your post. This was by far the hardest holidays I've been thru and it was my 3rd. I feel awful,saying thus, but reading your struggle validated mine. I've been going thru the days feeling unwhole and desperately lonely. Wondering if I will ever get over this sadness that overshadows every single moment of my life now. I feel I am losing my mind most of the time. It seems the farther I get from his death, the more emptiness I feel. I go thru the motions of the day, but they are becoming more empty as each day passes. It it weren't for the very few people I can talk to, I'm not sure I could keep this up much longer. I have some errands to do this afternoon and all I want us to get home, yet I know that brings no solace either. So where do we go for some peace? I keep the house up but the reward is so much less. People say at least I have the dogs. I am glad I do, but they will never fill the voids my soul needs. They have become more needy too without someone else to entertain them so that is hard. One of Steve's (now my) friend came over to do some repairs. I so appreciate it, but it's the wrong guy, it's not him. I'm so tired of the darkness in my heart. The triggers keep mounting out of the blue. Yesterday I saw something and cried all night because I won't buy it for me, but had Steve been here, he would have wanted to for us. I never thought I'd see a day a refridgerator would bring me crushing down. Little stuff I can do. Changes to the house just feel so weird to even think about without him to share in. Something we always did together.

Beautiful, Steve. Brought me to tears.