Gwenivere

Patty, I have a picture of Steve holding me from behind in front of our Christmas tree from 2000. I look at that and see the happiness I see in yours. Wondering why it had to leave. Holidays change and adapt, but when that igniting spark is snuffed out, it's damned impossible to accept we won't ever feel it again. Like Maryann, I went super low key this year and it really didn't help me much. Can't undo memories and desires or ignore them happening all around me. Worst being alone for most of it. You'll have to let us know how your feelings are when you have settled in back home after such an amazingly long and emotional trip back in your world at home.

I know I have become more sedentary over the last year. When Steve died I was go go go in shock doing so many legal and neglected things from the years of dealing with the cancer. This last year my body has caught up with my own physical challenges and the depression adding to lack of motivation. I feel much older than 61. I can't believe sometimes the amount of pain I live with daily and the fatigue. I'll do one thing a day that is a biggie and call it good. The bad part of being sedentary is the only time I don't feel pain is when I sit. It's invading sleep now too. There are many things I could try to ease this, but I just don't care as my mind might feel motivated one day but 'who cares' for days the next few. There's no taking back the passage of time on some things like arthritis, but I don't even want to take small walks because so many things just feel lonely now. It's a Catch 22. I should stop smoking, but (to those who don't understand) it's something that I enjoy. There are so many shoulds now. Woke up and read Carrie Fisher died and just a couple days ago it was George Micheal. Both younger than me. It's sobering that we older ones are now truly in 'danger' from the things we only heard about long ago. I now understand why my mother would get so sad when someone of her era would pass. You didn't know them personally but they were a part of your generation that is shrinking. Another person you didn't think of day to day, but assumed would just always be there. Intensifies the loss of the one we really thought would be there forever.

I may be wrong, Karen, but seems to me an ER can do many things to try and nail this down. I don't think any ER can turn anyone away either. Just a thought.

I totally understand, Karen. Once cancer has touched and stolen from you, it never leaves the top worry when something happens.

I see it, Steve. You are right, it's always going to be between us and them, whatever we do. Like Marg said, I am forever married. It is what it is and no one is going to change that.

R and MLK, I'm so sorry we all have to face so many 201sts as there is no preparing for them. This wasn't my 1st Christmas without my Steve, but it felt like torture to have to do it again for the 3rd time. I decided that trying to act like it was any different than what it was would be futile. Can't erase decades of memories. I tried combining old traditions with new actions because I am alone now. Truly alone as we had no kids and the family left on his side don't think about me much at all. I am grateful for a couple of long distance friends, but miss physical interaction. I had to admit to my counselor I am jealous of some here because they have someone to at least spend some time with in that way. It's not a bad jealousy, it's just part of being human I accept. I am glad for those that have that. One thing I have always known but couldn't find words for came to me last night as I watched our angel chimes spin from the 4 candles and heard the tiny dings as they struck the little bells is that this hurts so bad because it used to be so good. Stared at the thing for a long time dreading but wanting it to stop. I'll put the tree away and pull down the cards we always taped on the kitchen cabinets tonight. Be relieved ads and commercials and holiday music will stop everywhere I go. But it added another notch in that pain belt I will wear or the rest of my days. I won't really feel any better waking up alone to another day without him tomorrow. Go back to my TV companionship without commercials of happy holiday images and deal with seeing people together as was not that different holiday or not. At least no jewelry commercials for your soulmate and best friend. Its Christmas Day and as quiet as always. The elephant in the room is the space now empty because my elephant is gone. I have a friend in NM who has never celebrated Christmas and I used to think that was sad. I talke to her last night and it was just another day, she was painting and humming along. I'm not saying I would want to give up all my memories with Steve, but I sure did envy her at that moment. As she reminded me, death changes everything and that is why I cherish her. We may different, but she validates my feelings unlike so many I run into. To those that have someone, I am happy for you. To those that don't, we have this place and hopefully someone far away to reach out to if needed. If this makes little sense......well, that's grief for ya!

Very brave of you, Karen. I did my volunteering, uttered the holiday sentiments when necessary, got a pizza and came home. Called one friend I knew didn't celebrate the holiday which helped. I'm planning games in my iPad and finishing a Jeff Bridges movie that has nothing to do with Christmas. That leaves tomorrow. But that will come soon enough. Yup, seems Christmas has left the building.

Steve, my neighborhood is mostly young renters or owners. The place is like a ghost town as they are all off with thier families or friends. This isn't unusual, but we never really noticed because we had each other. It's not really a break down for me (yet, the day is still young) but I am not leaving our tiny tree on all day and overnight as per tradition, I usually wear some cheap holiday jewelry for fun and there would be anticipation about the evening with lots of candles. Can't fight my mind and reframe this into just another day. It's been programmed as a special one for decades starting as a child. It's like comparing misery. I know there are a lot of people that are alone and comfortable in that because they never did celebrate. This is one of those 'a leopard can't change its spots' time. I was reading what I wrote the 1st Christmas he was gone and I feel the same way on this 3rd. Well, at least I am consistent.

This is so true, Kay. There is a fellow volunteer I run into and every time she asks about me it's to lead into a story about either her or someone she knows that has (in her perception) much more devastating news. Now I don't say anything but she persists. I can feel compassion for others suffering, but it doesn't ease mine. Outsiders may think that is cold, but then, as we all know, they don't get it. This isn't who has the worst misery competition.

I think we all do, even the sexed up part. ? Hope you are keeping a log of your word salads. Think of the book it would make!

Thank you, Marie. You are always so kind in reaching out to others. ?

I received a Christmas card from someone who was not paying attention for the last 3 holidays that Steve's name was not in the signature. I called her and told her and she asked how he was doing. Again that horrid moment we have to deliver that news. Hard thing was she didn't seem all that compassionate. I am guessing because she expected it and it has been 2 years so I should be much 'better' by now. I hate when I am dragged back, but especially when the person takes the news like I was delivering a weather update and then goes on and on about how well they have been doing. After the 'pleasantries' and her saying she will be contacting me I am hoping she forgets. Another lesson for just letting things go, but I was so stunned to get a card addressed to us both. I get lots of things for him from where he bought his car even tho I changed the name to mine. There's just too much out there we are all on lists of that will pop into our mail or phone calls. I get calls from places he donated years ago and have to tell them to drop him from the list. We want them in our lives always, but not in these ways. But, such is life. Most I hope for is less and less blindsiding.

Marg, I tried this approach of people having it worse and I know they do. But what I found was I was invalidating myself and I had lots of people doing that already. Yes, there are others suffering horrible things, but we have to live in our own worlds and honor (respect maybe) that pain. I've learned so much compassion for others from this, that is only positive I have found. Comparing my pain to others does not make me feel better. This is mine and it is hell. Theirs is theirs and also hell. The best we can do is truly respect everyone that is suffering for whatever reason. I don't feel I am worse or better than anyone here. Just another trying to get thru the worst thing that has happened to me.

Karen, it makes me wonder if 'back in the day' I said those very things to people who may have been where I am now. We just never know. I've been asked too many times to count about my holiday prep and plans. Yeah, sitting on my butt, often crying just wishing it were over. The kicker is the pain will still be there. The plus is people stopping talking about it. Oh crap, there's still New Years. That day we are supposed to look at a new year with all kinds of anticipation of shared plans. Well, check your seatbelt....it isn't over yet.

I wish I could have thought of a better topic title, but it seems we all get it. What to do with all this love we still have to give and not getting it returned. I've been calling it being in love alone. Something stolen from us and this isn't like having a crush on a person we see from afar but can't have. We did have it. It drilled a well that produced and it keeps gushing. Yet we thirst for what we got back too. Death cruelly capped that other well.

Great quote, Marty. One we really need to remember often.

Well, crazy Patty, it all makes sense to me. In all this time I have come to believe in many things that have no obvious explanation and I accept them. So, let's all be a little crazy. ?

I didn't know where to put this where it wouldn't get lost. Since I have been struggling with the feeling of being in love alone, my counselor sent me this. I think it speaks volumes.

Poste this in the wrong place.....fog brain! Wishing you a day that brings you more warm and comforting feelings than the stuff grief steals from us.

Wishing you a day that brings you more warm and comforting feelings than the stuff grief steals from us.

That is totally awesome, Patty! It's like the universe said.....this woman needs something to show her how special she is. ?

I've been finding this very hard as the holidays approach this year. Even tho it's my 3rd, I so miss not having been able to talk about anything that has happened in the last 2 years with Steve. That's a long time to 'live' hobbling along. I wish I could make the holidays not matter, but too many memories of time together. It's going to be tough waking alone even more so. It was a day we woke up as kids again. Not for gifts, for that special feel of a magical day you wait all year for.

Can't imagine going to a reunion to see people I didn't like then. I was so happy to leave them behind.

I can't listen to music either. Not anything with any significance to my former life. Too primal and raw even at 2 years. Pictures I see but kinda don't. It's like living in a more twisted Twilight Zone.

Mitch, you'll notice I didn't at all advocate telling someone they should date and find another love. I merely tried to point out that for some they may find that what they really need is companionship, not a replacement as that is impossible. I am in agreement with you that suggesting to people to get out and look for love is not good advice.