Gwenivere

Unfortunately I saw the massive changes in Steves appearance in the last 2 years. One time we ran into someone that had not seen him since he got sick and she cried when she saw him. He had had chemo so was bald at the time and gained a lot of weight. I somehow saw but did also not see that guy. I would hear his voice from another room and the image was the guy in the profile picture. When I was physically with him, I adapted to the change. His personality was exactly the same most if the time. One thing that never changed was his beautiful blue eyes. Now i get visions of him occasionally when he was sick, but all in all in my mind are the 'hunk' I married. All pictures in the house are of that guy. I've asked myself I this shallow? Nope. It's because I don't want to ever see the disease anymore. I want my memories to be of the person he was before that monster started taking him away.

Karen, I cannot imagine being assaulted with such a horrible word. We are so far into the 21st century and it boggles my mind that such words are still used in our so called civilized and enlightened society. Obviously not as evolved as we thought.

I was thinking (often a dangerous thing to do when down and out) that Steve and I broke each other's hearts many times during the time we were together. Sometime actions, sometimes words, sometimes in revenge. But in all those times we made up, learned from what made us behave that way and did our very best to avoid them ever happening again. I look back on those times and am impressed we learned and never made these mistakes again. A true testament to our commitment to learn what love is and not to use it as a weapon. Now I see I have the biggest heartbreak of all. He left. He didn't want to, didn't do this for any of the reasons we lived thru experiencing human frailties and faults as we grew older and wiser. Now I have the biggest heartbreak of all and no way to heal it with him. Obviously we cannot sit down and talk about it. This man I loved more than life itself broke my heart and I cannot heal it with him. I wrote my counselor about it and below is what she said. She is so right. There is only the person that caused the pain to truly work it out with, but we don't have that now. I see now because of that this wound will never fully heal. It would take both of us. ****************

There is a saying that everyone lives as long as they are remembered. That's about as far as I can accept. I am happy for all of you that your living on honors them. Perhaps I am too logical in my thinking as I am just the one who nature spared....for now.

Steve, Thank you....early years is right. I don't even count the first year now because while it was hard, it was spent in shock. I've just spent a full year in the reality of it. Much much different. To those in that first year, I do not negate the pain you are in. There is no time as we adjust that is remotely easy. Marsha, you are right, this was a human being. It's not like coming home and finding your couch is missing. This was life shared with that person perfect for us. None of us are saints. It is those messy emotions that I feel. Emotions that came along now and then, but never so many so often, and yes, many don't want to hear about them. It's hard 'protecting' them from who we are now. Sad too.

Marg, you should write a book with some of the great one liners you come up with!

I truly don't get this at all. I must be cut from a different cloth. My existing in no way honors Steve. Yes, he made me a better person when he was here. Now I am but a ghost of that woman. I definitely have more compassion than I ever did, but my 'just being here' in this hell serves nothing. It's emptiness and pain. I could create memorials to him til I'm blue in the face and it won't change that. By breathing and living I honor him? I'll never understand this reasoning.

I tried to make yesterday a little more special being on my own. Rented a movie and got a fancy burger to go. The attempt backfired. I rented Finding Dory not knowing it was about her reuniting with her long lost family and connecting that with her new family with Nemo and his dad. Not even the Pixar marvel technology could squelch the pain it created inside me. I got a few bday cards and they went right in the recycle after trying to have them around. I answered a few emails and had to light hearted. By the time I went to bed I knew this morning would be bad after 2 significant holidays spent alone. I didn't know how much. The only thing I truly wanted both days, like every other, was a hug from Steve. The only thing I can never ever have again. The TV and stores are now jumping into Christmas with all the trimmings and tangibles. Commercials for rings for your best friend and soulmate in one. Hey, how about a new big screen TV to bring a smile to your face? My neighbors had a party last night and I tried to remember what it felt like to be happy and laughing. I couldn't. Each day that passes I feel like more of an outsider in this world. My counselor would say just let the thoughts flow by and not give them power. Don't know how to do that either. At least not during this intense season of 'togetherness'. Yes, Virginia, there really is soul crushing depression.

I've always heard that and doing the math, we would never make progress. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Tho I know what the above feels like at the moment.

Now that sounds dangerous to try and find out. Back away from the knives, Karen. For everyone's sake.

Wow, this was quite the surprise to wake up to! Thank you all for thinking of me. It was a tough night not having our holiday dinner last night (had pizza that tasted good but didn't sit well) and waking to the same old, same old. We have to give up so many special days now from what we knew. It just feels like another day now. Lost that little spark that used to make me feel special, even to myself. I used to be able to 'order' Steve around a little bit with that leverage.

Thank you, Kay. Hope your being gone is for a good reason like time with your kid/s. ?

As luck would have it, my grief counselor is ill today. It was the thing I had planned for the day to help before the holiday and my birthday alone on Friday. I know this happened to you, Patty, with your counselor out of town. We are going to talk on the phone a bit, but I sure depend on that face to face contact. About the worst week it could happen. There are no controlling these things, but it sure adds to the pile we have come to face since our losses. Back in the 'old' days, this wouldn't be a big deal. There was always something to do when Steve was here. Or at least I felt better not looking at an afternoon with no plans. I do have to vacuum (ugh, dogs) but that was when I got home. So I sit here not being able to think of a single place to go yet another day. You know all those overbooked people that say they'd give anything for nothing to do? They gave no idea!oh yeah, except they are usually happy and have people in thier lives. Still feels odd not prepping for tomorrow. Instead of hanging out with my love, I'll be volunteering and come home to whatever I can put together as dinner. No fancy glasses or candles. Outsiders would say do that! Um, no. Why they think this would help as opposed to drive home the point we are not together I'll never know. Maybe it's that 'honor' thing that eludes me. It was a shared experience. Doing that alone honors nothing but stir painful memories.

If I could find people for the rent a friend idea, I'd keep them myself! i certainly understand the conversation thing. I talk to more people in don't know well now. Always did, but now I depend on it. Makes me wonder when people did that to me, maybe they were lonely too and I had no idea. Funny how we see the world looks totally different now in his we see it.

I hear ya, Gin. I'm glad you have a friend for the holiday. Got me beat there. Yup, contact by phone is my life. Senseless TV my companion. It's pretty pathetic. I want to change it, but don't know how at this point. Tho I have lots of outsiders for advice. They don't realize it makes it worse, all this fixing they try and do. We can't be fixed. We have to find a new life. That's a huge endeavor. Not like replacing a car or house. And those are biggies but paled by comparison.

Patty, your poem is awesome. I wish I had that kind of talent. I thank you for sharing it with those of us that don't have that. i agree it is torture during the holidays hearing of people's plans and being barraged by commercial reminders. Our own memories are hard enough of what has changed. Single people live without that connection because they haven't had it. I was there once too. My connections were with parents and friends now long gone. It was fulfilling because I was just discovering the world and everything was an adventure. When we commit to another and entwine our lives, everything changes. To have that ripped from us creates a void we never knew. Outsiders don't get how deep this is. How life altering because they think we 'heal' like a breakup, but the other person still lives. Sure, those hurt, but there is usually good reason they ended. How does one describe an ending that served no purpose but pain of losing what we took so long to find? An ending we didn't want in any way? We can't. Younare not alone in feeling weak. I think of how strong Steve saw me and wonder what he would think now. I can barely drag myself out of bed. I miss every aspect of his presence, even the annoying ones. I feel timid and I have never felt that way before. We have to become new people and that was never in the plan. The person I am now is not simeone I even recognize. I never knew we could become alien to ourselves. That world out there? It looks the same, but it's feeling is being in some dream world, and not a good one. I navigate it by habit only.

I'm glad you got some human contact, Karen. I've become acutely aware there has been no visits to my home since Steve died of any significance. Mostly people I hire for problems. We didn't do much, but Steve had his music posse, relatives and friends would occasionally visit and most importantly we had each other. Over 2 years of silence and life in the house has taken a huge toll. I pretty much talk to people via phone now as there is no one local. They've all disappeared. Calls are good, but they can't replace actually being with another human. I get that at counseling, but I pay money for that. It's like rent a friend. I only know of one bereavement support group in my area but you have to do an intake. Seems to me I meet the credentials. Wish it were like AA where you can just come and check it out rather than having them check you out. Makes me feel like maybe I'm not affected enough to qualify. I have the outside of grief people telling me about clubs to join. Hard to find motivation when I have no interest and what I do have any about is this insipid loneliness. I'm good at faking it, but that was when I had energy to spare.

In my counseling I am told I have to now do things for myself for fulfillment. The words roll off the tongue so easily and I even know they are true. The hitch is figuring it that out. Forget the big things like jobs, getting a problem fixed and the like. I'm trying to figure out how to make the foundation of living day to day matter again. Cleaning the house, cooking a meal, even wanting to play with the dogs. My volunteering is hard now. They still are happy to see me and all that. The irony is they have more of a social life than I do! Be it bingo, doing jigsaw puzzles, whatever....they have connection with others. 'What's for dinner? Are you going to the music program? See you in the morning.' I leave and come home to emptiness. Even coming here intensifies that loneliness. I value all of you, but I would rather be hanging with Steve and our family than writing about pain. I know we all would. Often reading others pain does not help. Knowing others suffer too does not make me feel less alone. It makes me ache that so many bear this weight. They say the grass is greener on the other side of the fence as a way to make us appreciate our side. This time it was greener because my life was there fulfilled. This side isn't the best side. Another platitude struck down by reality.

I wish I had your faith, George. I never looked at my time here as work to do, but that happens being involved in life. Now? I can't think of a good reason I am here except the gamble of nature. A disease claimed another victim in Steve and I have to live with the consequences it created.

Thinking of you, Karen and your loses. Time forges on ahead forever, but ours and our loved ones so limited. I can't believe sometimes I met Steve almost 40 years ago but I know it is true and explains why I feel I am literally dying inside from loneliness. Talk of reasons to 'go on' are lost on me. Inexperienced people to this tell me they 'care and love' me. They don't get when the most important part of that foundation crumbles it is of little solace, especially when they keep reminding us like it will somehow fill that void. We appreciate it, but I don't think we will ever regain solid footing. Yet, they tryband fix us. its weird to even say happy anniversary. It's happy with them, a day of reminder of loss now without them.

I thought I might get by without crying to begin my day. I look at your gorgeous picture, Patty, and it speaks of the love we have all lost.

Just a joke, Kay, just a joke.

I never understood why someone would prefer virgins over someone who knew what they are doing.

I definitely get angry with Steve for leaving first. I would not want him to feel this pain, but I feel he would handle this better because he had an outlet in his music for pain and he might not get caught in the dark of depression I have. But he also had his demons for coping with hard times that might win over that. If you do find a way to not think about our guys all the time, please share! Having been raised Catholic, sorry.....you have to be dead to experience purgatory. I know I feel that way emotionally and glad I don't subscribe to that faith any longer. I don't believe in having to atone for sins beyond forgiving ourselves and if we hurt someone. Just my opinion.

Cookie, I read every post you made today and feel like we must be twins on this. I know I need to open some kind of inpenatrabke door with the perfect key, but I can't find it. It won't succumb to pounding or blasting. A simple key. Steve wanted me to be 'happy' too. If only he knew what he was asking of me without him. I feel that pressure too. From myself aNd those around me that don't understand the person I was died with him. I don't know how this Gwen is. Never met her before. Unfortuanately she is not a blank slate. She carries the wounds of the loss. All so very complicated in our heads. In our hearts is simple. We had them broken and dint know power to fix them if they can be.