Gwenivere

This happens to me all the time, Marg. I'm constantly finding things I don't remember doing. I'll get up to do something I think of and find it's already done. I try and do things when I think if them so they getvdone even if later it surprises me as I forget so much. Then there are the times I can't get to sleep because I'm afraid I'll forget in the morning. Notepads are very handy.

If it helps any, I don't get up til noon and even then it is a major accomplishment.

I'm still struggling. I feel awful and yes, the aloneness makes it even worse. After effects or maybe recurring pneumonia and sick when I eat from the antibiotics I was on. I'm sitting here wondering what to do today as it feels like an insanity crawling over me being so cut off. It would normally be a volunteer day but don't think I can pull that off. Had a dream last night and felt actual happiness because Steve was here. We weren't doing anything but together in our home. Don't even recall seeing him much, just knowing he was here. That's all it took. Then I woke up to all of our realities. Couldn't get to the Xanax fast enough because of the anxiety attack. Thanks for checking on me, Gin.

I don't have anything to do with Facebook. I know it is hard on many because upsetting things can be posted, shared and commented on that I have always felt should be personal. I know there is a draw for people with family. I don't have that so I don't have to be exposed to how others are getting on in life and all thier plans when I feel so alone. Feeling like a robot is something so many of us here feel. Often I feel I am standing outside the wild watching it go on without me right now.

Actually Karen, you have more planned than I could handle today. I've been very ill for 2 weeks and it really makes it tough to just do dome minor things to kill time time before that coming home to dark loneliness. I tried doing a couple of things, but I just don't care. Seeing my counselor and then home. Doesn't exactly take my mind off things but I do get to have a good cry if needed. I'm not trying to be flippant, but I miss having the energy to at least step back from this for a little bit. Not that it leaves my mind ever. Sometimes I get so tired of thinking and feeling it I wish I could go comatose for awhile. One thing I noticed I am finding it hard to cry again. I need to and feel it, but something is in the way. I find myself staring off into space unable to muster any energy for even the simplest things. i used to do better at night, but now I am so beaten down by it's endless hours of how drastically things have changed how I hate it. i haven't done real life support groups either (and taken flack for it from people that think I should but have no eexperience with this). I always l left depressed when I went when my mother died. This is infinitely more impacting and the thought of sitting with others hearing thier pain I do not want to do. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't want to spend more time in that kind of energy field in person, too draining. Plius, I have nothing to give.

Karen, I could have writtten a mirror post. THE very hardest is not we don't matter to someone anymore. On the flip side there is no one that matters to us. I was talking with an acquaintance today and was quite emotional (my shields are down from being ill) and she commented while she has not experienced this particular loss, she would handle it differently. There are differences because of personalities and marriages, but it felt quite invalidating. I looked her in the face and asked, do you think I am making this up? Maybe she would be 'better' at this as she is the most organized and busiest person I know. She won't make a move til she has everything mapped out. I can only hope that map would work for her in a situation like this, but I doubt it. This isn't a financial or work decision. Yes, losing someone that notices you were late, happy, sad or smile to see you walk in the door I don't know if I will ever get used to.

I'm not religious so have no take on suicide in that venue. I do believe our life is our own and what we choose to do with it us strictly our personal business unless it causes someone physical harm. Emotional harms are tricky, but we can't always live putting everyone above us. Wether I am hit by a bus, suffer long term medical issues leading to my demise or end the pain myself, I see the outcome as the same. All I have done is leave this plane. What happens next, if anything, I don't see as a punishment or reward. Death is just the end if the body.

Darrel, one thing I have learned is to not take things personally because every one here is in pain. Some have better days than others and can jump in with support immediately. Some have a hard time even reading the pain and have nothing to give at that time. I've posted and gotten the range from a lot to very little reply. I write it for myself and the gems are finding someone else has something to give back. I know people read the posts and it may feel we are being ignored, but I know that is not the case knowing so many of the wonderfully caring souls here. The fact that they can support others amid thier grief is truly amazing. As for going off topic, that is the nature of combining many people and how conversations run. One user said they were trying to reply and ran into technical problems. That led others to say they had too. It wasn't to ignore you, it's just how conversations flow. Some start new topics with every new thought and some go to older topics that have titles that reflect where they feel thier post will fit. I know it wasn't your intention to make anyone feel bad, but we do have to accept that in grief people are getting by the best they can just as we are. I've seen many replies to your posts that show people care. Some may type the words, some may be sitting nodding in agreement. Our grief should not increased or diminished by the tally of replies. That is why I find it safe here. I can say anything and at least get some of the weight of my broken heart. Just to know I can share it with others than in a personal journal no one will see helps. I doubt there has been one post written that was not read by someone who understands firsthand.

Happy birthday Marty! Don't know what I can add to all the sentiments already said. You are are the best! ?????

I've had that happen too, Kay. I used to think it was my iPad, but sometimes the software here goes a little glitchy. There may also be times it is backing up and that always takes priority. One thing I am always amazed at it when it clears up and if I were in mid post, it's still there!

I have my wine hours after taking a Xanax. This is what I do, I do not make any recommendations or suggestions for meds and alcohol as I am not qualified. My doctor is aware I have wine before bed.

Gin, that says so much about the depths of relationships. I often wish I didn't love Steve as deeply as I did/do. But that is just my wanting to ease the horrific pain.

Marg, I take Xanax 5 times a day. The alternative is panic attacks that makes life not worth living. It beats when I self medicated with alcohol 30 years ago. As for what people think, I don't give a darn. No one walks in my shoes but me. I don't judge others and won't be judged. I'd rather be 'addicted' (tho dependent is the correct word as I don't have drug seeking behavior, my doc takes this very seriously as constant anxiety leads to suicide for many, it did my grandmother as it is genetic) than live trapped in this house and isolated. My poor mother never got on a regimen and took it PRN so she lived with the anxiety still instead of killing it before it started. Does it cure grief? Not in the least. But it's a tool I can use to help.

There are just places we will never go again. Our date night Mexican place is always a reminder of days past. I tried take out a couple if times, but it's not the same. Plus seeing all the staff we knew would choke me up. I was asked if maybe someday I would come back because they missed me/us. Can't see sitting there by myself. It was our night to talk about the week. I dont have a smart phone for a date either. Saw lots of people do that, but that isn't a date to me. passed our anniversary and special occasion place the other day too. Another off the list. Come to think of it, no place is on the list by myself. I have yet to find anyone I care to go out with for the company. It was always him and me and rarely a relative from out of town.

That's the way I see it, Cookie. I tell myself it must be part of the process some of us have to feel. I don't like the option, but I don't know how I would psychologically do without it. I like my wine too. Actually drinking little less because I need my tranquilizers more. I remember when wine time was the best. I would feel so settled at the end if the night. Now it's anything but.

Odd one out? By all means no. I know you have read many of the posts here and sadly, you fit right in. As has been pointed out, you are still in the shock phase with the loss being so new. You are actually doing the opposite of how I was. My mind could not comprehend it at all and I was a steamroller getting things done. My days of severe depression kicked in about the 1st anniversary. Just shows how different we all are. That doesn't mean I didn't melt down many times in that year for I certainly did.

Eating becomes almost a necessary evil. I lost almost 10 pounds too and have yet to regain them. It adds even more to the stress. I feel I am not only emotionally shrinking away but physically too. I defined on Xanax too for some respite.

It is hard to believe how the time passes and how we survive it. Sometimes I wonder if it is really survival or some kind of twisted humor of the universe. I hardly remember what it felt like to not be lonely and fighting the meaninglessness.

That's how I felt for a very long time after years of being the caregiver. It didn't even really feel that hard because it became 2 no nature until the last couple of months when things got so very bad. I guess I'm used to not having that job now, but the days are so very long. Time passed quicker when we were together. Maybe it's because I am so aware of time now. I look at the clock and my mind will calculate how many more hours lay ahead in this day. Even going to bed I know I will wake up to that 'different day, same sh*t' and have to do it all over again. Like Mitch said, simple things are a major accomplishment like getting up or eating. That's not my idea of living. I miss living. Martha, I wish I had some things to do. Or the energy to do them. I did for over a year after he passed, but now it's so redundant and unsatisfying having done them myself so long. I try and limit how much I my emotions get even more pulled down here and reading books on grief. It was necessary at first because we need to know we aren't alone. There is no right or wrong in what we choose, but I have to step back at times because others pain will trigger mine. I still feel ultimate compassion for them always tho.

You really have been thru the mill, Marg. I am the sickest I've been in I don't know how long right now and alone. It's like the flu, pneumonia and gastroenteritis all in one. It's so scary not having someone here because I get a racing mind too and try to avoid the internet because that will really scare you too about symptoms. Don't blame you at all for ditching the antidepressant. They can be hell to adapt to on someone's best day. I have to my Xanax daily too and I'm so tired as it is, but won't add panic attacks on top of this. I had to cancel all my volunteering so I haven't seen anyone I know personally in days. It might not be much, but those few hours of contact made a world of difference. This is an ultimate challenge as I face a 4th day 'in the hole'.

Marg, I would give anything for that kind of antidepressant. The side effects would be great! None of the litany of horrid things that could happen like in the drug commercials.

I wish we didn't either, Marita. I know what you are feeling as I am at 27 months also and feel done with so many things. It is torture and we are alone. It's that we had someone that loved us above anyone else and we them and now who worries if we are late, sick, sad? I'd say who loves when we are happy and laughing, but I don't do that anymore. As for why we are even here, I have yet to figure that out. But I wake up every day wondering. I guess my path is taking longer to find at least contentment with only memories left.

I was out today doing errands as usual and it really hit me how often my brain and heart remind me I am not loved in this world anymore. I'm doing some of the usual runs, but many are gone now. I'll get caught up in the driving and it will really jolt my mind that I'm doing things just for me or the dogs. I miss coming home and having Steve rummaging thru the bags like a little kid as I usually would find some goody for him, or at least he hoped so. I'm becoming accepting of that at night, but this trying to be a part of the world is so drastically different. I'm past the deep depression of not buying cookies or his favorite vodka now, but it will always cause a twinge. Shopping as a single person Is reverting to a time so long ago and even then it was dinners with friends or take out. I truly get the emotional side, but how this bleeds over to every aspect can be so disheartening. I watched many stock up at the price club for the Super Bowl. We didn't care about that, but had fun filling up on all the samples. I missed arguing with him what we would do with food packaged for at least a small army. ?

I'm glad we cleared that up, Kay.

That was us too. We knew each other almost 40 years, married for almost 31, but it was the last 20 we finally got it right. 2 times we almost gave up but couldn't. A lot was us each owning our imperfections and finding compromises. There were still bumps in th road, but we learned how to talk them thru instead of defensiveness or shifting blame. It's so hard now not having that interaction, be it good or bad. It's still incomprehensible to me I haven't talked with him for over 2 years. How much the day was filled with that from day to day little things to big philosophical discussions. I'll sometimes make comments aloud watching a movie, but there's no answer. People don't understand this can feel like an inhumane torture.