hollowheart

this! So true. I really hate no new memories and not being able to share anything with my sister, not being able to just call and gripe about something. Sometimes it really feels as if I'm going mad with the need to talk to her. I hate this so much!

Kevin, that's how I feel too. I'd hear about sad things and other peoples losses and imagined how they were coping. It would make me sad but true grief and experiencing it is beyond anything I ever had to before and it's awful and painful and lonely and knowing this is how it's going to be until I die makes it a million times worse. My loneliness is like a hot poker in the side.

Thank you Janka.

Interesting in that I just happened to be on Pinterest last night and I follow a couple of people that saves pins of pictures of family deaths from the 17th and 18th hundreds where families and brothers and sister posed with the deceased. I happened to come across a bunch of pictures where siblings were posed with their dead sibling(s) and it got to me as I lost my sister and I was thinking 'that would be me posed with her in a different time' and the children looked alive, were dressed, and posed. It might feel and look gruesome to some, but of course in the day it was the only picture they family would have of them so it was very common, but I do wonder what it did mentally to the family and the siblings left behind. Was there closure to doing that? Can you even imagine today doing that with your loved one? I think it would be even more traumatic, even if we needed to (for pictures sake). Even though the deceased were handled with respect and care, being dressed up and posed nicely, but still.

Oh Constance, I'm so, so sorry about Samson. I know how pets are family. The specialist should feel guilty, not you. Did they actually acknowledge mistakes? because that's pretty serious. But as for dealing with your grief and guilt right now, know that you didn't know what would happen. You were a good fur mom and did what you thought was right, you were trying to help his nasal problems. Leaving him to suffer the sneezing and congestion issues would have been worse than trying to get him help. I know it is not easy to alleviate guilt, I'm suffering guilt big time myself and everything I'm telling you people tell me and I still don't believe it, so I'm not actually practicing what I'm preaching, but I'm trying and trying to help others. You trusted the vet to help him, and that is what you would have done anyway, so you did not intentionally put him in harms way.

I woke up mad and sad this morning. Sad just in general, that is my regular mood nowadsays. sad because I miss her. But mad that our holiday routine has been disrupted forever. Mad this happened to her and me. We looked forward to days off to hang together and catch up on movies, TV shows and shopping. Now there are no plans to be had, no one to spend all those free hours with. and this will go on and on until I die, it's not like it's just this year. It's forever. I'm tired of feeling down all the time.

Ugh, I can only imagine what they will be talking about all night. Baby stuff, decorating the new home, etc. And you will have to sit there with a fake smile. Even when my sister was living I would have been annoyed by this type of party. I always loved the holidays. I don't think they are just for children. I was always a little let down when I told my friend about gift shopping for my sister and she would look at me crazy like why would I buy something for an adult. She was also very frugal and didn't see the point in "wasting money" like that. Just because we are grown doesn't mean we don't want presents. I mean, come on! Holidays are so joyous and about sharing the moments with others, especially loved ones. For me it's lost all the luster and color when I see so many things I want to share with my sister and can't. I loved just being out and seeing what was in the stores, enjoying the joy of the season, the events. I love living in a big city. But with no one to enjoy it with it's horrible, especially seeing other people enjoying it with their family and friends and I'm out there alone. It just makes me sad that I have no purpose during the holidays anymore and no real joy. I have no genuine happiness and never will again.

KPI48, I truly know how you feel. I know I shouldn't say it like that, but believe me, I did the EXACT same thing for days. I'd stay in the bed and when I did have to get up and go out I'd come right back and get right back in the bed. I didnt' want to wake up. I would have been just fine going to sleep and not waking up just so I didn't have to deal with this despair and these thoughts anymore. So many times during the day I want to call or text my sister, but can't. I want to take a pic of something I saw in a store and send it to her, but can't. I want to make shopping plans with her, but I can't. It's an awful, horrible, depressing feeling to not have my best friend and the one who gets me not available. I also believe the holidays are making it worse. KatPilot, my birthday is in December too, and my sister was the only one who really made a big deal. There was always some big movie coming out around then and we'd go to see it. I will not feel that special birthday love anymore. When I'm alone I groan and cry, it's hard to concentrate on anything. It's tough to say when it will get better. No one wants to hear 'oh in about 6 years you'll feel like yourself again'. I feel like you just have to go through this heartache and grief. I feel like as time goes on it gets worse, I feel it. The longing for her makes me very anxious. It's hell when someone is just...gone. Can you talk to a therapist? I know talking about it has helped me because no one wants to hear me go on about except for a therapist. Don't force things on yourself and don't try to be happy when you aren't. If you want to stay in bed and cry, do it. Getting it out helps. I'm so sorry, I wish we had never come to know each other in this terrible nightmare.

Marty, that is a good point that these stages were not supposed to be specific to someone in mourning as I always felt odd when people would mention the "bargaining" stage in all the grief stuff I read and I'd think "that doesn't describe me at all", but of course these could very well be stages someone dying would go through. However, once that person has passed on it's over. For someone living another 30 or 50 years with a loss what do we do? And I think now society has sorta told us we should flow over these over a period of time, get to acceptance. ACCEPT the loss and then close that chapter and all is well and now on with the day. The only people who don't want to hear there is no time frame to grief are those grieving. Everyone else assumes the clock is ticking.

Kayc, your story sounds similar to the way I am or have treated a man I was seeing. I met this man online and we became friends, and little by little we got closer and closer to where I really did start to love him. Even with that said, I still wanted him to come to see me, make plans to come out my way and we could have lunch or something, I didnt' have a car and it would be harder for me to get to him. He only lives a little over 3 hours away. We dragged out this online/phone relationship for 4 years, if you can believe that. How pitiful. Making plans to meet, never going through with it. Every time I brought up him coming to see me he turned it into a HUGE production. It couldn't just be lunch at some deli or something, it had to include some dinner or a broadway show and he wanted to come to my house and meet my family. (???) Meet my family before I even meet you? Not to mention he never made any effort to make any of these plans or find out what we could do or where we could meet, he just liked talking about if for hours. And hours. Long story short, I gave up on the going nowhere relationship and said we will just be friends.(I found out years later his financial difficulties which is probably why he never wanted to do anything, but that's stuff I need to know! We all have money problems!) But he was SO in love with me and still is. I ended it, but then ended up calling him when I was so grief stricken over my sister just to talk and also let him know what happened to me. He had been a great friend in the past. I can tell he believes that door has been opened again and his feelings have flared up, but I no longer have any romantic interest in him. And I do feel guilty that I used him for my own grief and opened that door again. However, I did tell him we are just friends, but he will say things that let me know he still has hope for us as a couple and I cringe. I have stopped calling him, I know I can't keep doing that. Angelofthewest, I think your letter was just fine. It let him know all he needed to know also included some of yourself and your jokes together. That was a nice touch, it was sweet and touching all at once. If he doesn't get the picture that you still care for him and will be there when he is ready, no amount of letters will do that. I do hope that he can use you as a shoulder to lean on, to talk to when it gets overwhelming. With the guy I was (sorta) seeing, that is what I would need and want from him, not someone expecting a "girlfriend" right now. So I'm glad you are offering that kind of support to him. Sometimes regardless of what we say or do, it's up to the other person to figure out what they need and when. I think even in several weeks if you have not heard anything, you can send a simple card saying you're thinking of him and hope he's OK. Nothing long and drawn out, so he does not feel like you are expecting something. It's just more of a 'checking in' kind of thing.

Margaret, I think we can be very independent even while being dependent on someone else, if that makes sense. It's understandable to be dependent on Billy as you made decisions together and were together so long your daily life was made up of decisions you made on your own and as a couple, even if you didn't realize every little one. It's when you don't have that person there to bounce ideas off of, or even tell them of what you decided to do on your own is almost like a loud neon sign highlighting their absence. I know I went to my sister for advice for pretty much everything to see what she thought about it, even if I was purse browsing. I'd gather a few and see what she thought about their styles. 9/10 she was right, they were ugly, lol, as I have no sense of style, but if I really wanted something I'd buy it. I can be independent, but I liked having here there for help and advice. Now, knowing I have NO ONE to share those shopping trips with, or any little minute day to day thing I might do, is scary. She was always there and I had a choice in involving her or figuring it out on my own. Now, without that choice I do feel lost and afraid, but I had a quick moment of realizing that I can and have made decisions on my own. I believe I can be independent, I just don't want to be. I preferred having her here to help me, to bounce those ideas, to discuss and have her even make some choices for me. When you are so used to doing something you aren't supposed to get used to doing something else overnight.

This is why I got some sleeping pills from my doctor. I know it's not the best thing to do, but we are in the same boat with the sleeping. I wake up at 2am and can't turn my brain off. And I have to go to work, unfortunately, otherwise I wouldn't care what kind of sleep I got. I'd go to sleep at 1:30 in the afternoon if that was when I got sleepy. But to be up for 5 hours BEFORE I have to get up and try to manage an 10 hour day is not fun.

This is why I stay on this forum so much. You can only be gloomy with others who get it and are that way. I believe my friends are now tired of me.

KarenK, I'm so sorry for your losses, my heart breaks for you as it does for all of us. I also think, 'what do I have to be thankful for?' Nothing. I also nodded when you said you can barely buy groceries. It took me a month before I could get back to the store, if my Mom wasn't cooking I probably would have barely ate. While I have a couple of relatives I could still buy gifts for, I have no Christmas Spirit to even do that. I loved gift hunting and shopping for my sister was a big part of that because we knew each others tastes very well and I loved trying to find something to surprise her with as well as receiving gifts from her. Christmas is a lot of work, when you think about it. It's a lot of effort to decorate, gift shop, wrap presents, send cards. That takes a certain amount of mental and physical energy and we use up our allotment just getting out of bed and getting dressed. For me, getting through the day without crying is an accomplishment. Also, constant thoughts of those we lost is exhausting. Our minds always working wears us thin.

Suzanne, you are so right in that. I have convinced myself that had I called an ambulance sooner my sister would be alive. If some told me 'yeah, you could have saved her had you done that" I think I really would have to kill myself. I know what I believe but I know I couldn't take actual 100% truth. soundslike something is going on with one of them wanted to confirm a delay. Sounds like one of them knows or suspects something. But as you say, knowing something for sure now does no one any good. I'm so sorry for your grief and loss. To add guilt on top of it is tortuous, that I know for sure. I know I'm guilty in not doing enough to save my sister. I failed her. I know she would be here right now.

This is me to a T. I am always sad now, always carrying around a sense of bleakness. Yes I can laugh and joke with someone, but it's almost like a rock getting tossed in the air. My mood can go up but then seconds later it goes right back down to sadness. It's a horrible way to go through day-to-day life. I can't care about anything now. Even disasters in the world, even the drama in Paris. I'm so emotionally spent, not to mention the one person I'd be concerned about it with is not here so I don't have anyone to really discuss it with. It's exhausting to make myself look "mentally and emotionally presentable" to the world when all I want to do is stay in bed for about a year. Yes, people do say it will come back. So in about 10-15 years I can look forward to feeling better. Yay. It's hard to even hang out with anyone now so in one way I'm kinda glad a few of my friends have disappeared. And now I have a stupid Christmas work party coming up that is in the evening, cutting into MY TIME. If my office wasn't so small I'd surely slip out and go home as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

I love the last letter you sent and I think you should consider that 'closure' for yourself and let that letter be the end for now. You can only send so many "last letters." I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for you and I feel it in your words and how you are reacting. He said that it would best for you to not contact him because he doesn't feel he has anything to give right now. I can believe that is true. It takes work to be in a relationship, maybe he doesn't want to feel needy. You sound like such a great person and I love that you would be extra careful and thoughtful during this time, not asking for anything in return from the relationship and also not trying to 'move him on' from his grief, instead just being there. He has to figure things out for himself. Everytime you send you something and he doesn't reply you will turn it around on yourself and end up creating scenarios that aren't true--that he's angry, that he didn't see it, that he's annoyed--and it will keep you in a state of helplessness and hopelessness. It's always easier said than done to let this go for now, I"m sure your family has said the same, but he is there and he is aware. When he wants and needs to contact you he will.

Thanks again Marty for the links. As I was reading them I realized I was already doing all these things before she passed, especially having a 'bedtime routine' I used to have a wind down time where I'd have all my evening things done, my stuff ready for tomorrow and all that done. I"d turn off my overhead light and turn on my lamp to 'bring down' the room. I'd shower and do my hand lotion and cuticle oil routine, and lip moisture routine, lol. It all worked then, but now it doesn't work now. I can usually fall asleep at a halfway decent time, but the problem is waking up at 2:00 or 2:30 am wide awake, thinking about my loss and grief (because really, what else is there to think about?) until 5:30 then getting sleepy 15 minutes before my alarm goes off. So obviously I get up with an attitude, angry, tired on top of still sad and grieving and dealing with my horrific reality. This happens every night like clockwork which is why I turned to drugs and I need more powerful sedatives that will keep me asleep at least 7-8 hours, at least until my alarm goes off. If I were retired I wouldn't care.

I couldn't wait to get sleeping pills from my doctor. Now I realize they aren't the right kind, they don't keep me knocked out they just help me go to sleep but then I wake up in the middle of the night wide awake. I think sleeping pills are actually needed for this kind of loss of sleep. You need a somewhat relaxed body and mind to relax and sleep. Even if you are thinking about bills of some work project you can still eventually get to sleep because those problems are somewhat manageable. All i do Is lay there thinking about when I first found her and how much I miss her. Longing for her and even crying through the night. Sometimes so long I'm still doing it when my alarm goes off, so now I have to switch from grief stricken to everything's fine for work and mentally I felt I was going mad. I will take pills, thank you very much.

Now I feel like "being strong" in the wake of grief and loss is almost a cliche from society that is ingrained in us. We have to "be strong" for other family members and get on with life because people die. Grow up. To weep and wail and fall apart is frowned upon in some cases because you have to pull yourself together and stop crying over something you can't change. There are things to do so no time to stay sad. I have been sad all day today. It's just been one of those days. I have cried off and on all day, barely dragging myself through the day. I am still in disbelief my sister is gone. Never in a trillion years would I think I'd be burying her this early. I feel so empty and alone and lost everyday. No one to get my jokes or text goofy stuff too. Just worthless days. Feel what you feel. I'm learning we have to grieve alone to get through this. We might find an inner strength in our own way, but carying false emotions of strength for others does us no good.

This is now I felt, not about the holidays, but about how close and how much time I spent with my sister. I started thinking 'I wish she wasn't such a big part of my everyday so this wouldn't hurt so bad' but people told me don't say that because those were fantastic times while I had them. So your Christmases are treasured memories even though they hurt to think about now, but try not to wish you had never had them. But overall I feel pretty much the same about the holidays. I used to love the holiday commercials and decorations. Now they just remind me of my loss and that void and that one person who I enjoyed the season with the most is not here. That's what hurts the most. We loved the holidays and shopping and Black Friday shopping and gift giving and decorating, we were the two that cared the most, so doing it alone just feels so empty, not to mention I only shopped for her and my mom and maybe one or two other relatives, but mostly her and my Mom so I feel like what is the point now? Also, both me and my moms birthdays are in December close to Christmas and she always joked that she had to be organized to get us Christmas and birthday gifts and she always made a point to do it and make a big deal, especially for me, as she was the only person who really knew my tastes and likes. No one will do that for me anymore. I think I can honestly say I hate the holidays now. They feel like an annoyance to me now, like a lingering guest that is staying to long. My sister was my main social outlet. We always made holiday shopping plans, loving to be out even on Christmas Eve in the hustle and bustle just to be out and enjoying the city and stores and the time together. It means nothing alone as I have no one to share it with, also it would be torture to be out among groups, pairs and families enjoying each other. Why bother? I felt like I had a purpose during the season--hunting for the perfect gifts for her and my mom, changing up decorations, matching wrapping paper and gift bags, just enjoying the sales, the season, etc. Not to mention the vacation time we always took around the holidays was even more time spent hanging out together. Everything now just reminds me she is gone and I still can't believe it. I can't believe my dear sister is not here anymore. Gutted.

Margaret, my sister's whole apartment sits full of her things and I dont' want to get rid of anything. My mom took her iphone and I can't even bring myself to erase her phone so she can use it, even though my Mom kept asking me to. It just feels like I'm 'deleting' her from my life. I have taken some candles, lotions and some food and drinks (just to not go to waste) but she loved to shop and so many things. The idea of going through it all feels massive and I know I want to keep every little thing. Throwing anything away makes me feel like I am throwing her away with it. I can't bear it. I don't feel like I can 'go at any minute' but I feel like I don't really care about if I live or die. I look toward the future and think about older relatives passing on and having to deal with that alone and not having my sister here with me. I think about one day being the only one left of my immediate family and that terrifies me. I think about where I will move to when I have to leave the family building, I won't have anyone to depend on, to help me. I think that's why I feel like If I died right after my Mom goes it would be just fine as I don't see much of a future for me anyway. I will just be alone. At times I feel like I'm thinking to much, but I never felt this way when my sister was alive as I felt like if nothing else I'd have her for the next 30 years with me. Now my future just looks bleak and lonely and no one understands that. Today was an awful, sad day for me. I cried off and on all day. I just missed her so much. I just miss the companionship and the relationship we had and the fun silly times I can only have with her. I'm tired of this sadness. I am right there with you on the mind now slowing down. Even if you don't move in with your daughter, maybe you can find an apartment nearby. Thanks for those links Marty! I can use both of them, especially the one about sorting out belongings. I don't even want to go there yet. Oh Lord help me with that!

Gin, just do whatever it is you need to do. There is no right or wrong. You are not alone in your grief or your guilt. My guilt is monumental as I watched my sister lay in her bed barely talking and discussed what we should do with someone else for 2 freaking days. The morning we decided to take her to the hospital I went in her room and she was gone, not making it through the night. Had I done something just THE NIGHT BEFORE she most likely would be here with me now and I would never have even met you guys. Don't take it personally, but as nice and sweet as you guys are I wish I never had to seek out this site. I wish I knew what to tell you in terms of dealing with both your guilt and grief, as I'm still trying to figure that out myself. But I"m glad you are here and by being here maybe talking will help you sort out some of your feelings and emotions. I'm VERY slowly realizing that there is nothing you can do about someone getting sick. I wanted to save my sister's life, simple as that. We all wanted to do that one thing that would have kept them here with us, that is a natural feeling to have.

Stargazer, welcome. As others have said, I'm sorry you even needed to look for a site like this--me too--but glad you found it. I'm sorry about your mom. It seems she had a wonderful daughter in you for 55 years. I lost my older sister last month. She was 43 and it has broken my entire world. My guilt and grief over his and why she died will haunt me forever. The holidays were our favorite time of the year and they feel empty already as we'd surely be preparing for Black Friday right about now. I miss her beyond words and just miss talking to her. I can't believe she is gone. Hopefully we can both figure out how to live without our loved ones as I'm trying to do that myself. I hope bring here will help if you have no one else to talk to. We are here.

Kayc, I can't believe the story you just told. That is devastating but I'm glad at the end you shed some hope in that you have adjusted to living on your own and are continuing to do so, even while you miss George dearly and daily. That scum that preyed on you will get his karma one of these, even if you are not around to see it. I'm just so very sorry that you have a reminder in the way of debt of the disgusting thing he did to you. There is no end to some peoples motives to get money. He put the long con on you and I'm sure he did it to someone else. Any of us would have fallen for it. When people are nice and saying what we want and need to hear at the time, we accept it because we are good people and are not expecting our grief to be taken advantage of, of all things! I hope he gets his. Could you file for bankruptcy?