hollowheart

Gwenivere, I can relate to what you said about people disappearing, breaking your heart and wasting energy on that. That is what I'm doing right now and I'm realizing it's a waste of time. While I try to get that others aren't expected to grieve as long as you do (which is the rest of your life) and they get back to their own in tact perfect lives, I still feel that good friends can check in every now and then. I do have 2 or 3 who do and I tell them I appreciate them still checking in on me. It feels good to just get a 'hey, I'm checking on you, I'm thinking about you. How are you doing?' Some have disappeared and when they do pop up it's about something random and nothing about how I'm still coping. Your Steve was similar to my sister. I'd go straight to her about any snafu for advice or to just fix it. My mac got stuck on the start up screen and I texted and she came right over and told me what to do and that fixed it. I might have figured it out myself, but I'm sure it would have taken hours and tears and frustration with no one else to ask. She was so much to me, and definitely that support and protector and someone I depended on for advice and help. Now I feel so alone because other family members come to me (especially older ones about computer issues) and I can help some, but it was always great to have her by my side to know what I didn't or to just give input and advice. Now I'm expected to fix everything and of course those I'm helping are 100% clueless and can't offer anything. It does make me feel stressed and vulnerable without my sidekick.

Kayc, no desserts or shopping?! OMG! lol

Kayc, thank you. It's true that we still often think of our pets like we do family, remembering them with sadness and happiness. She passed probably almost 10 years ago and we still bring her up every now and then. I just wish I had more pictures. This was before the iphone, lol.

Marty, thanks again. I think I have looked at just about everything Open to Hope has, lol. I found them on YouTube when I was trolling for anything about sibling loss and they had the most abundant resources on the topic and it was nice to find something so specific.

I read that and I thought, yep, I feel the same way. That's how I feel with the loss of my sister, I just want to sit and talk, to laugh, to plan things, do things, watch movies and discuss them after, just be together. Yes, I definitely understand that much. Kay, you always seem to feel the bruises the next day don't you? Almost like when you exercise then you surely feel it later, lol. I'm glad you are here to tell us about it and even joke some. Hope you are feeling better. I think after that fall you deserve a treat! Food (especially desserts) or shopping.

Marty thanks! you always offer the best resources. I have clicked on a lot of links you have shared. I'm still not looking forward to the holidays, but I'm thankful to have found this site and thankful to you all because I know I hijack threads that don't involve sibling loss (unfortunately that thread is not so active) so I feel a little out of place in some forums, but everyone has been nice and understanding. And I thank you for it.

Gwenivere, I nodded reading this about your friends traditions not aligning with your thing. I absolutely agree and I that is a big part of what makes me feel so lost and lonely 95% of the time. I know no one will want to do things the same way me and my sister did them or care about what we cared about doing together, and that is almost suffocating. I loved that you and Steve just chilled at home with the Turkey and the dogs, maybe some favorite TV shows or just hanging out and talking. Usually that's all you need. And when your good time featured that one person who is now gone there is no way to recreate that anywhere else. We used to have big family get togethers for Thanksgiving when my grandma was alive, we did it at her house. When she passed my aunt took the torch for a few years, then everyone eventually started doing their own thing with their immediate families. Me and my sister would watch movies/TV or just hang out all holiday break (or shop) and mom would watch TV and chill on the couch. Everything was right with the world. Now I dont' have my hang out buddy but Mom still enjoys her couch sitting so I feel like my routine has been more interrupted than hers and it's a long, lonely, extremely lonely road to walk.

Brad, I would often feel deep sadness over stories of random people killed that I didn't know. Just last year I heard something about two sister killed on trick or treating, I guess hit by a car and I couldn't stop thinking about their parents trying to cope with losing both of their children at once, and because they were trick-or treating of all things. I always said I couldn't imagine that kind of grief. I definitely know horrible grief first hand and I hate it like the devil. I hate how it takes a grip on your life and never lets go. I hate that because everyone is always telling you to keep living and move forward and all that but it just doesn't work like that. I hate my life now, so how do you keep going with it? On the IT note, I have a Mac, although I have yet to update my OS because I'm still playing The Sims 2 and don't want to let it go yet, lol. But Apple definitely causes less grief than Windows that's for sure.

Ceili, the awful thing is grief comes when it wants. I too, had a couple of good days and I wished I could stay on that wave forever so I hate when I fall back into that pit of despair and want to do just like you said--crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there. Maybe even wishing that could turn into a time machine and take me back to happier times. I feel like I'm going crazy too and it's from loneliness. I think reading about the anniversaries has me panicking, so I want to say to not worry about all the upcoming things looming ahead as it will surely drive you mad. Me and my Ma's birthdays are both in December and my sis was the only person who made a big deal so I will miss her caring touches as well as her presence. I hope you don't have to be alone for Thanksgiving or Christmas. It does sound like you have some friends and family you can be with. I also think you should do some things you like to do so you are not thinking so much about how they are not here to enjoy this or that or they are missing out. In a small way you will just be enjoying yourself for your own sake. It's so ingrained in us that Holidays are all about family, and when we have had those traditions for years it's hard to form new ones. Kayc, I'm thinking about you too. I hope the weather lets you get somewhere. Can your son come to you? But I'm guessing that's not an option. You guys take care! I have a feeling I will be on here on Thanksgiving day myself.

I love the idea of mixing her ashes with yours someday. I wish I had taken a paw print of my beloved Tracy. Pets are with us for so many years that it's like you always expect them to be there, just like human family. Our beloved Tracy was with us 21 years. I still miss her fat white self curled up along the hallway wall. I know that animals have personalities just like we do and they are almost like another person to us, so the loss is just as great in my opinion. I believe that Tilly is bouncing back and forth from Rainbow Bridge and Heaven to see your mom and dad, but back to the Bridge to enjoy some catnip with other 4 legged friends she has made. Don't post a picture until you are ready as pushing yourself can be to much. I couldn't even say my Tracy's name without crying for a long time. We don't realize how devastating looking at a picture can be until that loved one is gone. Take your time and we are here if you need to vent.

Degasgirl that is great. That is exactly what I'm looking for and can't find, I was hoping to find a sibling loss group and then hopefully being able to meet outside the group. I think I'm really going through breakdowns for the loneliness.

This was beautifully written. Like a novel, in fact. That car was like a family member, there through all the best memories, the good times and the bad. It was a part of the enjoyment you all shared together so no wonder it's very emotional to let go. That car was loyal like a person for so many years, it was like your fifth member. I'm very sentimental too and when someone attached to that object is no longer there you want to keep everything they touched as that is a part of them. I know just where you are coming from, but I love that you two had a moment with the car. Took pictures, unloaded everything out of it and bid it farewell. I'm finding it impossible not to have these kind of 'losses'. I'm dreading when we have to clean out my sisters apartment. How do you pick and choose and how do toss things that once meant something to them? I have a feeling I will have a lot of packed rubber maid containers for a few years to come.

scba, I had exact thing happen to me last night. It was just little things that send me over the edge--I called my Mom and kept getting a busy signal because she had the cordless with her and didn't put it back on the base, and never thought that I would be calling. She didn't even say hi when I got home either. So it all just sent me spiraling into a pit of loneliness and depression and anger. I am tired of feeling this way. When you see others moving on you do wonder why can't you, and I wish i could as this is no life. I also feel I was left alone and behind and no one bothers to realize how much harder this is for me to get through. It's just like 'we're doing OK, so you should be too' type of thing. I'm miserable. I just cry alone now because I just need to give up on anyone understanding and I don't want to burden them with my grief. I wish I could just go off alone someplace as I feel alone anyway.

Margaret, wow, what an ordeal. You're definitely a survivor.

Margaret, I certainly get your guilt. I won't say I understand as I can't fully understand your own guilt, but I know those feelings, especially when you can't change things now. You were still there by his side, with him, loving him unconditionally and holding him or not he knew you loved him more than anything and was there when he passed. He was not alone. I can't bring myself to even read my sisters death certificate. My mom said a lot of stuff was on there. We let her lay in bed instead of racing her to the hospital. I don't know how I can forgive myself for not even giving her a chance in the hospital. It's that that plagues me to no end. All she needed was to be in the hospital. Just calling 911 and getting her there would have saved her life, but no, we wait another day and she doesn't make it through the night. I knew it was bad and continued to wait. I don't know why, I think because my Mom said we were going to take her in the morning. But why didnt' I say 'no, we need to go now' It certainly resulted in her death, which was because of me and I can't get past it, even though there is nothing I can do about it now, I just can't believe I let that happen. I know I couldn't handle knowing for sure that she could have been saved, so I understand your point on the no investigation. Her dying in the hospital wouldn't have been any better but it would have let me know for sure that we did all we could do. But we didn't. I wish it was me that died.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. I'm glad it is over. Mondays are usually bad days overall anyway. With our losses other frustrations feel like a thousand times worse than they are. I am having one of those struggling days. I am so NOT in a work mood. I just don't care today. Can't concentrate, I'm tired, I'm feeling sad and want to cry. I'm just done today and it's not even 11am yet.

Oh my god, this is so, soooo true! I wish I could 'like' this, lol. Oh you took my thoughts and put them into words. It's almost a month for me and I just feel so 'whatever' about EVERYTHING. My constant thoughts wear me out, my longing for her wears me out. Also, the fact that I can't get out my venting and little daily frustrations out by texting her or talking to her and knowing she will get me is also tiring as I have to hold all that in. I would even text her in the morning venting about the trains being slow, now I just have to be mad and keep it to myself and the knowledge that I have no one that will care or understand those little gripes breaks my soul a little more each time I can't do it. But you are so right that things that you would do in a snap, or that might be annoying but you can surely do and move on now feel like pushing a boulder uphill in roller skates. The stupid, useless things I did before I'd do with an eyeroll, but now I have such little energy and motivation to spare I almost want to go into a rage at having to do it. I hate this feeling.

Marty, I am seeing a therapist. While it is nice to have someone to talk to, I have only seen her twice and I honestly can't say that it has been a life changer yet. I don't even know what I am hoping to get out of it. At first it was someone to talk to because I can't talk to my Mom. To help me see things differently and not just be an ear to listen. But I also wanted someone to help me deal with my guilt and grief. I still can't get past we didn't do enough to help her and didn't even get her to a hospital in time to give her a chance. Dealing with us she didn't even have a chance! I can't believe we did that. I hope over the next few sessions I can say I'm getting something out of it. I think it will take me a very long time to accept the reality that she is gone, mostly because of my guilt that we had a hand in her death. For the rest of my life it will be unreal to me that she is no longer in it. We had so much fun, I think of everything we did together, everything I will never do again. This loss is to much for me to bear and I don't think anyone realizes how horribly it has affected me. I also grieve for what she has lost, she had a job she loved, had gone back to school and was doing great. Things were moving along nicely but slowly for both of us and then this happened. I force myself through each day because I'm still here, but I can't figure out how to focus, how to get motivated again, how to just basically give a sh** about anything again. The discussions and hanging out I miss a little more than going out and doing stuff because we did that more than we went out. We had nice little chats every day. It's torture not having that. I know what you are saying about my way of thinking but I'm not there yet, I'm trying but I don't know how or what to do. I guess maybe that is what I want to get out of my therapy sessions. I still can't find a close grief group and that is upsetting. I'm not a public speaker but it would be nice to talk to others who lost siblings and can relate. It's very hard to find other sibling mourners. I feel alone there. But even a regular grief group would help and I can't find that either.

Oh my heart broke reading you two were retired, so even more time to be together. I know all your days revolved around each other. I now know that feeling all to well when someone so involved with your day to day is no longer there. Take baby steps. Do something that you liked to do even when be was here and it was just your thing. Those are the baby steps I'm taking. It doesn't work every day, but sometimes it gets me through. One hour at a time. I look at shows that were my favorite, or play games that were my thing. It makes it a tiny bit easier than doing something me and my sis both enjoyed so I'm not sitting there the whole time wishing she were enjoying it with me. But it's so very hard. Their absence is like a neon light flashing. This grief is like carrying a cinder block everywhere.

kayc, you're right, thank you. I just get in that mode from time to time and I can't get out of it. I just start thinking again about how she was laying there sleeping and I know we should have called 911 and I am just so sure she could have been saved. So many people live with heart problems, I know she could have been one of them. I'm just overwhelmed with her loss, as is everyone here is overwhelmed their losses. I just know me and my Ma didn't do enough to save her and I can't get past it. It's even worse since I can't go back and change my decisions and make smarter choices to save her life. I just can't get over she's gone. I really can't. I just can't get over she is gone. I can't believe it. It also doesn't help that my mom is not always the best to hang around. She just sits in her room watching QVC so not exactly someone to talk to. I might as well be alone. The loneliness is threatening to drive me insane.

Brad, yay, I'm glad you got your heat back. Sometimes when it rains it pours, but the sun eventually comes out. Just take care of that hand, wrap it up really well, I feel like any hard or fast movements are causing the stitches to break. Glad you are feeling better. Margaret, I had to laugh at you saying you'd be running around in circles in your living room. I agree! I couldn't come here I think I would have shot myself by now. I really thought I was going to go insane, mostly because finding any sort of grief help and support was so hard. I"m sorry I had look for it at all, but to be so in need and having to look so hard and long for some support was terrible and made things that much worse. It's funny that you all had your spouses as your helpers and those to pamper and take care of you. My sister was the same for me. It's really easy for me to get debris or dust in my eyes and I have a lot of eye wash that I used, not to long ago I had an attack where my eye bothered me for days and she squirted eye wash in my eye and tried to help me clear it. No one else would do that for me. Any time I had a cut or did something to myself I'd show her and she'd quickly get some antibiotics or tell me what I should do, she'd be very concerned. Now I have no one that cares about that stuff, or if I show my mom she will just looked grossed out but that's it. I miss that pampering too, someone who really cared.

I love this pajamas all day quote! I plan on doing that the entire Thanksgiving break. I would have been out Black Friday Shopping with my sis, but she is no longer here and it will be torture enough sitting around without being able to hang out with her. I will stay in bed and just watch TV and movies all day and eat. Nothing else to do. While I'm looking forward to not being at work, At the same time I'm not looking forward to these sad, lonely plans. Sigh.

Thank you all for replying. It helps when people do come here and talk, it's great to read how others are struggling but surviving as well. I don't even want to use New Normal anymore. I was and now I hate how it sounds. I am in a true living walking nightmare. I can be optimistic but sometimes I just have to vent and spew. So tired of horrible sleep then having to drag to a job I don't even like. It's like God wanted to put me in hell on earth. So tired of this monumental daily struggle to act like I'm OK. So much work and energy into it no wonder I want to stay in bed for days at a time. I still can barely shower, I sorta eat, and I watch tv non stop any free time as a distraction. Sometimes it works. I hate leaving the house, work doesn't help like everyone tells me. Just more performances for me. I know we should not do the would have/should haves but I can't get past my stupid stupid self and my Ma deciding to take her to the hospital in the damn morning instead of rushing her out right then. She is laying in the bed just sleeping, not talking and she wants to wait for a family member to drive her in the morning. I can't get past it. I know we killed her, she died because of us. I just think of her in there and we were no help to her. She should have been in the hospitals from day one, even though she said no but by the time she couldn't really respond back to us anymore it was up to us and we failed. My life is pure hell now. I can't find joy in nothing. I'm glad I can come here, at times it does give me inspiration. I'm still stumbling down my hellish road. It's horrible

Gwenivere, that's true about acting the same when it was someone else and not my life that was derailed. Falling back into your joyous every day is easy to do when it doesn't affect your life. It's hard to do anything else when all you can think about is that one thing and that one thing affects you the REST OF YOUR LIFE. I can't move past this. I also keep going back to my guilt of not getting her to a hospital when I knew it was bad. I bet she could have been saved. I'm sure of it. I can't get past that either. She lost her life because of me and my Ma. I don't know how to live like this. How to live with something you can't get over. It's not even a life. I don't know. I just don't know what to do.

that's how I feel with my sister. I lived for the weekends, not just because it was the weekend (because yay!) but there were things to look forward to. Our shopping, our movie nights, just hanging and talking. Even things I did alone, cleaning up, video games. Now there is nothing to look forward to and anything I did do alone I have no motivation for anymore. I can't believe I hate the weekends now and look at how many more I have to look forward too. I think 'how will I do this every week?' The constant feelings hollow and empty and alone. I know I can't blame other people but I hate hearing about anyone else and their happy family time now. I want my life back.