hollowheart

SCBA, I agree with all those points you just made. I still get angry when someone asks me what my sister would want. You know what she would want? She would to be alive and here laughing and joking with me like we used to do.

Patty, you're hardly posting to much. I'm always here and I didn't even lose a spouse! So I'm glad that you can come here and find comfort. Like everyone else, I also agree that I have minimal support. I just want someone to talk to like I did before, it's just like torture to not have what we used to. Cookie, I think what's worse than no group at all is a group where everyone seems like they are doing just dandy and it seems like they are just meeting up for something to do. I feel like if everyone is not on the same page it won't work. I am on this job forum and I told the people about my loss and I was grumbling (as usual) and one girl goes "you seem depressed" and she mentioned a book I should read. I don't know why, but I got pretty miffed about that. I'm thinking "Yes, I AM depressed. I think I have a reason to be!" While I appreciated her book suggestions, it just made me angry. I do try to be positive about suggestions, but sometimes it pisses me off like reading a book is going to make everything alright. I guess I'm just not there yet.

Getting rid of things is to final. I have been avoiding it because I could, but I dread the day I have to do something for real. Looking at all my sisters things knowing she won't ever use them again brings all the grief right back up. I just can't stand it sometimes.

You are so right. This happened to me last night. I think what I realized is when I used to have crazy nights (when my sis was still here) and I had sleepless nights, I could just go to bed earlier, have a more relaxed evening or something to help me get more rest and get myself straightened out. Now, I know that going to bed earlier or a nice hot shower will not make things better. I will still be grief stricken when I get out of the shower and she will still be gone. I think this reality wears me down mentally and makes me tired physically as well, combined with the sadness and emptiness. An endless loop. I used to come home from work and shower and cook and clean. Now I can't even go through the mail. I literally have days of mail still with the rubberband around it the way the mail man left it.

We may be doing what we usually do but our mind is constantly playing our pain. It is not always easy to hide that. No one knows what those dates on the calendar mean to us but us, or whatever trigger that may get to you. I hate stupid questions like "you dont' seem like yourself today.' Well, you're not yourself. Not anymore.

On the topic of moving, I hate to think about it too. Oh God. I'm living at home with my mom and she's basically a hoarder and a pack rat. She has terrible back problems, is old (and also is lazy) so if we moved, the cleaning and packing would all fall on me and I look around and would rather shoot myself than clean and pack up this apartment. She's been there over 40 years so imagine the crap in there. If it wasn't for what me and my sister cleaned up and threw away it would be even worse. We have constant basement flooding and have building/yard upkeep so the thought of moving has popped up. I'd have to pack up my sister's place too and I know that would fall on me. I'm scared for the day I have to do it. I will just have someone put it all in storage. I can't even think about it, yet alone do it. After all this happened I lost my desire and energy to clean and organize so it's a hoarder house now.

I hope for the same things. On days that hope crashes and burns are the worst days. I really do feel hopeless.

Polly, I'm so sorry you have to be here, and I'm sorry I can't offer better advice than to take it one day at a time. It's excruciating, I know. I will have moments of just wanting to burst inside from the pain. Know that you can come here for consoling, venting, reading, etc. I use this place to voice my frustrations and anger and it helps to get it out instead of keep it in where it drives me crazy. I hope you find us helpful.

Such a rough night last night. I couldn't sleep and woke up at 3:00 am and thought about my sister, missing her, until about 4:30 when I finally got sleepy again, then had to get back up at 6am. My dad has been helping me with my car, getting the registration for me and taking it to the dealer for stuff. Me, him and my Ma were sitting in the living room and he looked so tired. I just had a thought of--it's only the 3 of us when it used to be 4 of us. I hated it. I'm just tired of being exhausted and mad, and tired and cranky and sad.

Joyce, I feel like we all want to hold it together in front of people sometimes for whatever reason. Sometimes the truth is just to much trouble to reveal. When you say "no, I'm not fine. I'm terrible and I feel shattered." You know there is nothing anyone can do anyway. It's like this strange combination of wanting people to know and not wanting them to know at the same time. I think when people think we're okay or "strong" it puts more pressure on us to put on a face because then if we break down they go "I thought you were doing better and doing okay?" and it makes me feel like I messed up. like "Ooops! You saw the real me."

Thank you so much Brad! I appreciate that more than you know. I guess I am forging ahead, even though I don't want too. I think it's just my personality. I consider myself a follower and actually kinda liked that role, so to have to figure things out on my own is not something I want to do. I feel like I can, but I prefer to have advice and someone to help me make decisions. It feels safer and I think it does help me make better choices. I"m also a worrier and I am always worrying about doing something wrong or making the wrong choice and decision, which is probably why I still feel so much guilt over all this. I made the wrong decision and the one person that I needed to help me needed me to help them. *sigh* Anyway, thank you again. I appreciate your kind words. Gwen, I agree with everything you just said. I think that I think about how I talked to some of these people on a daily basis, multiple times a day before this, and now tumbleweeds are blowing through town. So it's hurtful that they dont' want to be around in case my grief rubs off on them. I have one person who I talk to almost everyday, we talk or text and it not always about my suffering. It's about her and what she is doing, it's about work, the weather, life. And it's nice. But you are right I'm carrying to much expectation. I see that this one friend is the only one brave enough to talk to me without fear.

I agree. And when people go "So, what have you been up to?" And you're thinking "uhhhh...." The lies have to start coming. It can be hard to keep up the facade, and when people notice that's even worse. It's still hard for me not be resentful and angry when I hear good news or fun times from others. I want some recent fun times to share too.

Same here. And now that I have a car I'm even more aware that she is not there in the passenger seat like she should be! And I get angry and want to just thrash something with a pipe. I hate that I can't look forward to the weekends and holidays and days off like I used too. For some reason I got on facebook yesterday for like 15 seconds and I saw my friends busy posts about what they were up to over the weekend and I was reminded why I had to cut out FB. To see my so called "friends" posting about their lives while they forgot all about me was to much. I am so sick of this existence.

This is how it was with my sister. There were things that she wanted to take the time to figure out and we reaped the rewards of having it taken care of. She was also very smart and would point out things that me and my ma were clueless on, so there is that panic that we are doing the wrong thing and out there without a net. Not to mention more falls on me to help my parents. This in turn is where my anger turns to fear and panic. I'm the only one left and I'm horrible at decisions and figuring things out. I always went to her to ask her what to do, now it's just me. I will be the one left with elderly parents and what to do about them. I am just not that kind of person, I just don't know what to do in certain situations. I also worry about being taken advantage of, or doing the wrong thing. It's terrible.

This is how I think often. I tell my therapist this all the time and she continually suggest volunteering and meet up groups. Now I have done meet ups before, mist were fine. And I hate to be mean and rude but sometimes I think "volunteering is not going to help this." I hate there bring no solution to my pain except volunteering. Really? I mean, I get it. We must keep going. But sometimes I can't stand hearing those suggestions. I want to do what I want with my sister, not try to get along with strangers. I hate that is all I have left.

Yes, it is truly hell and torture being here without our loved ones. I had horrible thoughts (again) of leaving my sister overnight, like an idiot and while I'm sleeping she was dying. I almost hyperventilated thinking about losing her like that. WHY did I do that? I hate these images and thoughts have crept back up.

I feel angry and cheated too. Especially after getting a car. I can't tell you how long we talked about that. many, many years. This is definitely hell on earth. People tell me I'm doing well, and they are proud of my progress. Well, I have no choice. It's either this or blow my brains out. I don't say anything when they say that. I don't feel proud for existing through each day in a cloud. Half the day I'm in my head pretending this reality does not exist. Is that something to be proud of? Sorry, just in a mood suddenly.

Oh wow. I think about that myself. I have no one to even plan my funeral, let alone come to my grave. This is so perfectly stated, especially the part about it all being reruns. Omg, that is so true and so incredibly depressing. I had a crazy moment with my ma while driving, we got completely lost for over an hour and I was thinking about what my sister would say. I was making up the conversation in my head. I hated that. I wanted a real conversation to think back on. I hate only have the past to refer too. That's why it's so upsetting and painful when people say 'You have your memories" Even when people are alive memories can still be very depressing. It all points to days gone by, even if they were good, fun days. They are still gone. I also agree about the long days. Before, I wanted to turn back the hands on the clock, now it drags. It's not even lack of things to do, it's lack of motivation. I still have no motivation.

I think of something similar when I see two girl friends (or sisters) together. I think "That used to be us" *sob*

I was like that! Well, I didn't great each day with enthusiasm and excitement, but I'd try to be positive about people and life and situations. I'd tell people when they got down on life to think of positive things in their life: they had all their limbs, they didnt' have serious health problems, they had a place to sleep, etc. Now I"m like "eh, whatever" it makes me feel like what did I get for trying to be a nice and positive person? what did my sister get? I am definitely resentful. I will never be one of those people who want to help others after they suffer a tragedy. Somehow I found these videos on Youtube where someone put together a series of compilations of missing and/or murdered children, what happened to them, if their murderer was caught. And a few of the parents started organizations in their children's honor, like a non-profit or something that helps search for missing kids or promote child safety. I was thinking if my child had been kidnapped and murdered I don't think I"d have the energy or mindset to create an organization in their name to stop it from happening to someone elses child. I'd curl up in the corner and die. I would never want it to happen to anyone else, but I think I'd be bitter knowing my child had to be the one that didn't get saved. I really hate that those feelings come out, but I admire those who can do that without bitterness and resentment.

Andrea, I bet before you would have barrelled through all that, maybe a little irritated, but it would have been 'just another day'. What makes me (and keeps me) angry on days like that is when there is no 'reward' at the end of all that. My sister and I loved our movies, and we loved watching them together, especially horror. I might have some errands: feed the birds, feed the stray cats we help, take out garbage, laundry, clean kitchen, vacuum, pay bills. THEN I'd head over to her apartment to relax, talk, hang out and watch a couple movies. Now after all that there is nothing but sitting by myself trying for a distraction. What's the pay off? What's the reward? Nothing.

Kay, how were they when he died? Did co-workers say anything to you or did they seem very sorry for your loss?

This is a HUGE factor in it for me. Not only am I depleted by grief like Gwen, but the one person that I socialized with the most is gone. When the Boston Marathon bombing happened we were awe struck, all on the internet about it, watching it on TV, talking about it, feeling horrible about those who died or lost limbs for no reason at all. It was crazy and it was good to discuss it with someone who was just as interested and horrified as I was. When I hear about someone dying now I think "I know just how their family feels" and that's all I can think about, I can't even just feel sadness for them. All I do is feel sadness for myself. All I can do is think about how I felt "That Day" and it's not a good feeling. It's just an awful way to live. I hate that I lost myself, I lost who I was. I used to be funny and fun and helpful, and now I don't want to be bothered with anything anymore, I'm angry or just plain sad most, if not, all of the time. Ugh.

I also find myself feeling very "whatever" about everything and everyone. So I'm angry and indifferent, and that is not me either. I used to be just like the person you said you were. Lately if I hear other tragedy I can't help but think "Who cares, I got my own problems." I used to be really sad hearing about someones horror story, now it only makes me think of my own. I guess for me it's hard to open up an already broken heart.

I also think the greater and more intense the loss then the more intense emotions you get from triggers. You can lose a relative and still manage to get on with your life, but another relative, friend or partner can cause great distress and discomfort for years and the rest of your life. And I'm also starting to panic about losing family members in general. Our family tree is dwindling, we lost a lot of the younger generation and I think "who will be left?" Only one left behind one child, so not many to keep carrying on.