hollowheart

Daughterofanamazingmom, you are not the only one. I will keep notes, cards, pieces of paper, etc. for years. I remember when I was in grade school or maybe early teens I had a cake for my birthday and it was a picture of the cake on the side of the box it came in. I tore off the pic and kept it. One day I found it and my mom joked asking did I think I was never going to have another cake again, was that why I kept it, lol. I know our "hoarding" becomes intense when we lose someone because that is the only physical things we have left of them. I don't like the feeling of giving away or throwing away something they loved, it feels like betrayal or like I'm throwing them away with it. I think I could sorta handle giving away certain things if the person is not just being "greedy". You know how some people run in and want to snatch up the most expensive thing they have or some of the good stuff. "Oh, she/he won't need this mac book pro anymore or, her/his Lexus is just gonna sit in the driveway!" You know those people. Get out!

Cookie, you know I keep thinking about a time me and my sister went to the grocery story. This was a store that was pretty inconvenient if you were on foot as you had to walk across a huge parking lot and then half a block to the bus on top of carrying groceries. When she got sick she didn't have the energy or heart capacity anymore and got tired faster. I remember walking ahead of her pushing my cart across the parking lot and I turned around she was struggling so hard and looked so exhausted pushing her cart. She was walking so slowly. Just one more thing to make me so angry that NOW I have a car. I think remembering that makes me so sad. It was also the weekend she went downhill and died and I think she just pushed herself more than she should have. I blamed myself for a while because I took so long to buy a car. I never wanted to see her like that again either.

Yes, this is it. It's like it's easy to explain and hard to explain at the same time. Having an unfixable problem is very upsetting and frustrating and it's a very tragic and unbearable unfixable problem. It's not something just going home and watching a comedy will fix. Just not being able to do anything about it will make me very angry. It's just everything. I will tell a co-worker I'm so tired and she will ask if I have any vacation days to take off and that will immediately make me sad, because I used to look forward to vacation days and sometimes plan them with my sis so we'd have days off together to do something. Now the days off are just another day to be sad and try to distract myself. It's like there is no escape sometimes.

I have lashed out at my mom multiple times since losing my sister and I know she knows that is where it is coming from. I understand about letting anger go, but it is easier said than done. I am very angry. I'm angry that I have to deal with this pain, I'm angry at my situation, not anyone in particular. I'm not angry at my sister, I"m just furious about the unfairness of the situation, that when I was working on changing my life, FINALLY bought a car for us that this is what freaking happens. I'm livid about all of that and will be forever. She was also the one person I went to vent and let out my frustrations to and we talked all the time and sometimes laugh and joke in the middle of the venting. That is what I am missing. If people think complaining is bad, oh well. I can't be one of those yellow smiley faces all day. My mom has a lot of annoying habits and we used to vent to each other about it, now I'm just stuck with the annoying habits and no one to gripe to about it. Maybe some people don't complain or vent, but I need that. Now, when something frustrating happens I don't have anyone to call about it and it feels so lonely and isolating and not having a way to change that makes me angry. I get angry that everyone I know still has their loved one, their life has not changed and mine is destroyed. I'm just tired of being tired about it and that is upsetting. You said you used to have the patience of an iron horse. Me too. It took a lot to make me angry, now it takes nothing. But again, it was because I had an outlet. I have not yet found a suitable outlet, so my anger is still always under the surface. Maybe you can find an outlet, something you can go to when you get angry.

I want to reach into my dreams and pull her out. Some days it's unbearable. I so miss our conversations.

Do people really think this? I guess their first thinking is "Oh, they gotta get with someone so they won't be lonely!" It's like good intentions and bad intentions and bad thinking all wrapped together. Yes, they immediately want to make you happy again, but you can't forgo the reality. Going on a date is not going to make you forget or get over that you had a happy marriage or relationship you were just fine with. In my experience I've seen people be more pushy when the couple were boyfriend/girlfriend and not married. I admit to being one of those people that had a couple of thoughts that someone could "get their mind off" a tragic event by doing something else. I'm so ashamed I once had that thought. I never actually told them "this is to get your mind off it" but I would try to engage them somehow or make them laugh at times. I guess that's why I tried to be forgiving with some friends.

Exactly. I'm not doing this in the terms of being in a couple, but I still feel the same when I'm out and about and see others having fun. I feel the same about the prison sentence. I am just tired of being miserable and sad and lonely. Seconds before I typed this I had a flash of things me and my sister had done together and I knew I would never do it again, it almost made me vomit. It hits me that hard and violently. We used to always go to the Body Worlds exhibit at the museum every time it came, I don't know why I thought of that but I thought "no more getting excited about the museum newsletter and all the new exhibits, no one to go with. No more fun to be had". I was on facebook (stupidly) about a month after she passed and someone had posted going out for their sister birthday. That's when I knew my life was going to become this game of "avoiding". I gotta dodge and weave from people and hope I don't hear about celebrations or exchanges that remind me of what I dont' have anymore. I cringe just hearing the word "sister". I almost hate hearing it now because I don't have one anymore. And thus is the prison sentence for me. What kind of life is this? I hate always being sad. I mentioned it to a friend and she brought up the dreaded phrase "new normal" So my new normal is being sad all the time? What does that even mean? SCBA, I hear you. You would have be like "me and my boyfriend used to do...." And for some reason it feels like it would get old always telling stories from the past.

These are the exhausting things that make me even more tired and angry. Who wants to go and buy another answering machine, hook it up, record a message, especially when you think about why you are doing it? My mom asked me if I was going to take my sisters computer, it's newer than mine. I don't even want to think about spending all that time in her office unhooking, and rehooking it up in my room. Not to mention all her stuff will be on the computer. I know something will have to be done with the computer, but it's just so completely exhausting how losing someone is. It doesn't stop with them dying.

Yes, it's like being stuck in quicksand. It's like everything keeps going in a circle. The Cluelessness gives me no motivations, and having no motivation makes me clueless. *Sigh* It's the exhausting of sadness--mental, emotional and physical sadness--keeps me unmotivated. My mind is just tired. I'm still not paying my bills on time, I don't even care. I get suggestions about how to "move on" and none of them appeal to me. Mostly they are just go volunteer, go to meet ups and such. While I know I need some new friends, it's just hard and time consuming to build that up.

Agree, I feel uncomfortable all the time. That is interesting you say that. It is a feeling of I don't fit. I don't fit in this world anymore, in my skin, just anywhere. I see people on the street laughing with others and that's when I get that feeling. It's almost like being in the school cafeteria knowing no one with no where to sit, but having that feeling the rest of your life. The end game was part of the motivation to get things done. Like we'd be like 'oh we gotta do some stuff then we'd watch this movie afterward" so after I do the laundry, feed the birds, wash dishes, then we'd chill and hang out. Now it's like do laundry, feed the birds, wash dishes...then what? I love TV but I don't want to stare at it 24 hours, now I have no choice which makes me even more irritable. I want conversation. I want companionship. I want to go out and have fun like we used to. I'm so depressed.

This, 1 million%. This is me. (as it is all of us) There is nothing I want more than my sister back and hanging out with me like we used to. Heading to working today I was thinking that I can't believe that out of the blue she suddenly gets heart problems. Just WTF?! WHY?? I'm the same in that there are a lot of things I could be doing, but I am definitely in the 'why bother' frame. I finally bought a car saturday. It's cute, it's awesome. and my sister would have been more exited than I would be. I was thinking how we would have been out all day and the next. I drove it home Saturday and it sat there the rest of the weekend. It makes me feel nauseous that I don't even want to drive it. I'm just so angry she is not here for this. We have been wanting this for over 10 years. Sometimes I feel an anxiety attack coming thinking about how utterly unfair all this is. I feel angry 24/7.

Iheartm, yes, I feel exactly the same. I feel no motivation. I finally bought a car and it's not fun, I'm not happy. What was supposed to the most fun ever with my wingman is incredibly depressing. I feel it's not fair, that as soon as she's gone I get the one thing we'd been wanting for years. And it wasn't even something spectacular. To others that's nothing, but a car for us was big as financially it just took a long time to do. I'm so angry over that. Having this car makes me think of her constantly because every time I think about using it I think of how I have to do it alone. It's awful, this reality of never seeing her again. Never laughing with her again. And now I'm back to flashing on when I first found her in her room. I can't take it anymore, yet I'm also sentenced here on earth to use up this miserable existence. I don't see myself ever having fun again. Who will I gave it with?

I think that as lonely as I get, sometimes I'm glad I'm not around people because I would surely have on a fake smile. and the thing about fake smiles is people think they are real and I know if I'm "smiling" they will think "Oh, she's great now. She's back to her old self and have moved on!" which is as far from the truth as you can get. When people see me and say "oh, you seem to be doing ok" It's all an act. I'm just existing, basically. But you know we can't bring up the truth.

Mom's Angel, I don't know what people are thinking about when they say these things. I have forgiven some friends because I know I have not always been thoughtful, but sometimes I wonder if people even think before they say certain things. I have seen so many Meme's like the one you posted. I have cried buckets over them so I can't even read them, they are so meaningful and hit me right in the heart. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss my sister and her presence. I am still in total shock she is gone.

I couldn't either.

I'm so sorry for your loss and am glad you could come here to open up. I have a similar feeling in that my sisters insurance was more than we expected and it's affording me get the car that WE wanted SO, SO, SO bad. So I have the same guilt. I was on my way to getting a car anyway, I was just taking a long time because I was trying to figure out the cheapest way I could do it and try to make sure I could make the payments and other expenses. Now, I can buy a new car and basically pay for it all in one swoop. Not to mention pay off ALL my bills. I don't feel good about it all. I only paid off one bill. I hate the way we got the money. I'd take being poor again any day. We were struggling, but it was a way of life anyway. the money makes me sick because of how we got it. Other family thought we were getting way less than what we got and they were around with their hands out, so my mom and I are glad they have no idea how much we really got. Of course others are always happy to reap free money, but it's not joyful to me to hand out this money because of what it represents. I feel the guilt too.

ardeer, I thought just like you. I cried through my entire therapy session last night. It was terrible as I thought I was doing a little better. The last few days have been awful. My sister is constantly on my mind, and when the weekends get closer I get more anxiety and sadness. I think I"m "getting better" then I think the cold reality hits that it will never get better the way I want it too. I talk to myself all the time because I'm my only company. Sad, but true.

Mom's Angel, I totally agree with you. I have had people say "I can't imagine losing my <insert whoever>" and I think, well I could never imagine it either! And that hurt so bad because I never thought I'd be in this place and I am and I have to imagine and live with losing my loved one. You only have to try to avoid imagining the worse, I'm LIVING it, so shut up. It does make me angry and resentful. Teddy, death is uncomfortable and heartbreaking and everyone deals with it differently. I see now that I am utterly broken and lost with this loss and I'm having a hard time finding the path again. I feel so isolated and alone, and that no one truly realizes or cares about how much I'm still suffering through this. I think of my friends who have moved on and have no idea how I suffer and struggle every minute of every day.

Gin, you crack me up. You word things the way I do sometimes, lol. But I agree with you totally. I don't do anything anymore either. I used to be like "my sister and I...." now there's nothing. No kids, no husband, no boyfriend, no social life. It would really be awkward with people I don't know and I can't blurt right out I'm still in mourning. Even when my sister was alive it was still kinda awkward because I still didn't do that much or have much to add, but I guess you can say it was easier to handle when I wasn't depressed and miserable. Also, caring about others fun would be a real struggle.

I'm late to this party, but want to second Brad and Kay's suggestions. Especially saying you will be there and actually being there. You suggested she prepare a meal or do something for the house for her relative, you can do the same for your friend. Checking in with her often and seeing if she wants to talk is good because it will give her a chance to vent and voice her worries. We've all heard "call me if you need to talk" but then we feel like we're imposing or bothering that person. I know I have a friend that keeps up with me and it makes me feel less like I have to always be the one chasing them down first.

I have some decent days where I feel like I'm on that path of living with it better. I don't think these feelings of anger, regret and 'what if?' will go away. I will go back to that until I die because of how she passed away. I had a hand in it because I didn't help. It should have been me. She would never have done what we did.

JC@BTOWN, I just want to say how very sorry I am you had to find us and I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad your children are a blessing to you and giving you some peace of mind. To lose a loved one so suddenly puts you in this surreal space that you almost can't believe you are in. I"m still in shock months later. I hear about horrible things on the news and wonder how those people cope and now I am one of those people and it is torture. Thank you for sharing. There are a lot of good people here and talking is like comfort food, so I hope we can help.

scba, knowing that he was there when you would get back gave you piece of mind. It's a big difference when you want to go out alone and when you have to go out alone. I would do all the same things you did alone if my sister wouldn't be interested, but I was interested enough to do it by myself. Most of the time I'd forget it because I wanted company, but I knew she would be there the next time I wanted to go out. I always say it's selfish to want her back, but I think now is it really selfish? Why should it be selfish to want a loved one here with you? Because my sister had gotten pretty bad, my mom thinks had we called 911 she still might have had some problems later. I know she would have hated to be crippled or lacking quality of life and I would have hated to see her that way. So, I guess I see what you mean. I still want her back, no matter what. Marg, I liked what you said about going for hours without much conversation. We'd do the same. It was her presence that felt nice. It was comfortable knowing she was around and knowing someone was around that I wanted to be around. I hate I will never find that comfort again.

Ahahahah! Love it. I think she liked saying 'obese' because it sounds so much worse than just saying overweight. I always hated the look she gave me that 'you're kidding yourself' look. I think I was about 235 or 240 at the time. Which is big, but you'd think I should be on "My 600 pound life" the way she made me feel. You are right about all of that. I really couldn't stand how she'd force me to sign up for the weight loss stuff, she'd just keep going "Why won't you sign up today? Why not?" It's like I couldn't leave until I agreed. I remember she told me she was going to leave a form at the front desk for me. So, I gotta take off early to come back to pick up a form that I didn't want in the first place!? Oh, and when I got my new (lovely, lovely!) doctor, I ran into her in the elevator at the hospital and it was like running into an ex boyfriend or something, lol. She asked me who was my new doctor and I always regret telling her. I should have been like 'why the f*** do you wanna know? It's not YOU' She was so peeved looking, lolol. Also, she was my sister's doctor (so maybe that is saying something) but she never complained about her so I guess it was just me.

This. Exactly. I found happiness in my little piece of the world with my sister because we were very close and enjoyed 95% of the same things. It was very comfortable being with her, obviously. I would say I was a semi social person. I was 80% homebody, 20% social. For me, if the social activity would be very inconvenient, or just something I wasn't interested in I could skip it and be happy. I didn't NEED to go out, but would enjoy it when I did and felt up for it. My sister and I went out every weekend for fun and to run errands. So the weekends to me was always something to look forward to and a pick me up from the week, especially if it was a bad or long week. Now, it's nothing to look forward to at all, the weekends are just like the weekdays to me, and some weekends it REALLY gets to me mentally, I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I'm not used to just nothing on the weekends. Everyone looks forward to the weekend, now I don't. What is life with nothing to look forward too? Not even the weekend? I dont' want to do those social groups either. I'm not being stubborn, I know my therapist says "when you feel up to it" but like you, I have no will to meet new people either. Most of my friends have fell off the earth, so I'm alone, social wise. The only way I could socialize with strangers before was because I knew they weren't my only social outlet. If it wasn't working for me, I would just continue to hang with my sis like I always did. Now there is a sort of desperation for friendships and I hate that feeling. It was just me and my sister, so I only needed ONE person to feel right at home. Now I don't even have one person. I did a meet up, and the people were nice, but we had nothing in common and we would never have become friends. It does take time and effort to make friends. But my sadness and misery is tiring and I don't want to give time and effort to it. A catch 22.