hollowheart

A trigger is a trigger and they happen all the time, out of the blue. They make me feel extra lonely because no one knows about them but me. I get Entertainment Weekly by mail and my mom found a new issues I had not seen and asked me if I had seen it. it had the girl from Game of Thrones on the cover. That was my sisters favorite show and my heart dropped. My mom likes GoT too, but she didn't connect it to the pain I did. After that moment I thought 'see how fast I can crash and burn?' It's horrible.

Mom's Angel, when I cried in front of my family they all cried and was heartbroken too. My mom said she would hear me crying and she would say it made her so sad. On one hand I feel like I don't care who hears me or sees me. I'm heartbroken and shattered and I feel like I have a right to be. But I don't like to make those sad around me. It's ok to cry. You can't always hold them in. If you are around others and just not feeling sociable and feel like the tears won't stop then I hope you are able to just go home or be alone. Again, it depends on the company. Some will understand the tears, and some will just get weird about it.

"Mourn the bed" What does that mean?

Yep! I am literally tired of that. I feel like I could sleep all the time. I feel my sadness has robbed me of any energy. I know I really get frustrated with not having her here, especially with my car now. The sole reason I wanted to buy it.

Gin, this is how I think sometimes too. And I may project that anger and annoyance out to people. I'm not always that way, but yes normal things are usually met with a lot more negativity than in the past. Before, on a beautiful day I might hit my sis up for going to Chinatown for Dim Sum. Now, nope! So maybe that's what I mean by "life purpose" knowing that things like that don't exist anymore in my life sorta makes me feel like I have no life anymore. Sure, I can go on my own. But...the point is I didn't before. And that's a very big point. Paying attention to the weather for BBQ's and fun outings is fruitless now. I see signs around the city for festivals and such, no one to text to say "Wanna go?" constant reminder how my life has not changed for the better.

Deniz, I'm so sorry you had to join our club. I'm so sorry for your loss. 7 months is no time at all. I feel pretty much exactly as you do. I agree with SCBA and as she said, we've discussed this topic many times and it is one of the biggest frustrations about grief. I believe, to a degree, we all have been bad friends at one time or another and sometimes we dont' know what to say or how to act when someone has a tragic loss. There are usually no words and they can't bring that loved one back. Grief and loss is very uncomfortable and in my experience friends just want that comfort zone back as fast as possible. They want the "old you" and they don't what to deal with the new, depressed, broken, heartbroken you so they start to distance themselves. Petty, goofy stuff doesn't mean anything to you anymore, it's hard to have real fun, etc. Their lives go back to normal and "out of sight out of mind." You are not wrong in how you feel. You have a right to feel angry. Like you, I hold the same resentment. I have been off of facebook for months and I was an avid poster. Not one close friend contacted me to see where I was, or why I haven't been around on facebook. So I feel as you do that I'm so dispensable. I have not been on facebook for the reasons you guys said, I don't want to see their happy pictures, or their not-a-care-in-the-world posts about their weekends or vacations. I loved Facebook and it does sadden me that I had to give up yet another part of my life I loved. I used to be a part of that and now it's like I'm in the Twilight Zone. While you will have to deal with your grief and pain on your own, I think you can still reach out to your friends to a certain degree. It's hard to not worry about your friends and how they are acting. Your friends helped you feel normal and were also a part of your everyday. You are already crushed and lost something important, now you've lost them too. Maybe contact them to remind them that you are ready now for company. But if they can't bother to keep including you in plans or inviting you out, then you might have to let them go. I am not one for chasing someone down and begging for friendship. So if they seem fine with you checked out of their life, then you should check them out of yours. Also, give facebook/twitter/snapchat a break. It will only make you more upset. I've been there.

Yeah, I understand what you mean. I remember walking across the street early on almost getting hit and not even blinking. I knew then how much this had changed me. But I don't want to cause that much grief to my parents. I think that is the only thing that starts to stop that thinking. I want that feeling too. I want to feel some kind of life purpose again.

Yes, every morning I wake up I remember my reality. She would text me every morning too and I miss hearing that Ding. She loved Wonder Woman and the Theme Song was my ringtone for her. I so wish to hear that, knowing she is calling me. I've been playing a video game where this girl discovered she could rewind time. Mostly moments, but she just discovered she can go back years. Of course you know what I was thinking. The game wants to note the Butterfly Effect of changing past events and how that can alter so many other things and I was thinking 'nope, wouldn't care.' No way would I NOT do that if I had that power. Future events be damned. I would live with the consequences, whatever they may be. So long as my sister was back. I would go back and change all of our histories. I would not care about the ripple that would create. It couldnt' be worse than how we are living now.

Yes, I miss that genuine joy and happiness. I can still be witty and funny, but most of it was with my sister because we always had the in jokes or got each others references. At times it was with my past co-workers (when all was right with the world) and we had worked together and been friends long enough that they got my sense of humor and in jokes as well. It hurts when I see or hear something only she could appreciate and I can't share it. It makes me feel especially lonely at that moment.

Yes, my sister and I kept each other laughing. We always had some movie/TV reference or quote or something that only we got because we liked so much of the same things. It's extremely sad and lonely to not have that anymore.

I don't know. I'm just angry, frustrated and irritated all tied together. I'm tired of being tired. I want to move on and have a life but can't. The last two night I couldn't sleep and thought nothing but of her all day and every time I woke up at night, which couldn't put me back to sleep. Then I'm tired and sleepy and cranky for work, and I have been messing up there due to lack of focus. I'm sick of being sad, I'm tired of trying to keep myself busy. I thought last night, 'how much more of this can I take? How can I live like this for another 6 months let alone decades?' I worried a lot before, it's ten fold now. I want to think about something else other than my misery and empty life.

Yes, Gwen to everything you just said. Extra nods to the secondary losses and is life just something to tolerate now. I think about how an exciting evening for me and my sister was getting some good grub and munchies and streaming a few movies in her office, and laughing and talking throughout the whole thing. You know what I find even more upsetting is when everything else about a day is pretty good. Like there wasn't much for me to complain about. No idiots on the bus or train. Work was actually good, weather is great, day went fast, etc. And it's like "oh, today was a good day!' EXCEPT.... It's like the good feeling just can't last.

This. Exactly. And it might be why I stay so mad. I feel like I'm floating in space, can't get a grip on anything. When I was job searching it was a similar feeling. That "what do I do with my life" feeling. My therapist tries to help me get centered, but it's not really working. I have lost that "life spark" and I think knowing that I have lost myself, lost that fun, joyful part of me that always made everyone laugh, that always had a funny way of putting things---is gone. And it's very troubling to me knowing that how I once was is also gone forever.

I want to thank Marty for that "grieving is not wallowing" article too. I had not seen that one before. Froggie, this is a good line, because after reading that article I feel like a lot of how I feel and have felt was acknowledged. I know we want to help each other, but I know when I'm down or angry or sad about all this it's nice when someone goes "Yep, I agree with you. I feel the same way." It's refreshing to just be agreed with, and not be told "you seem depressed." Gee, do I? Yes, this is "tragic and life-shattering" and by life shattering that means for the rest of our lives we will feel this tremendous loss and pain and suffering. It won't be as bad as it once was, but I know I will grieve for the rest of my life. And that is something people don't want to hear because they see that as just not wanting to get better or get over it. you mentioned being out of your "comfort zone" and I realized I used to be able to handle this better when I knew my actual comfort zone was waiting for me. This loss gives me that "you got nothing else" feeling, and that is not a good feeling to have.

I also feel I'm being punished. Rationally, that may not be so, but I didn't have a great life to start. Some of my main joys in life came from hanging out with my sister. It didn't take much to make me happy. So to now have to suffer this devastating loss and tragedy, to think of her losing her life so young. I think WHY?!? Haven't I struggled enough already? I see nothing left in my life but waiting for other big losses like my parents, facing that alone and then being right back in the devastating loss of grief and then truly being alone in life. I can't help but feel like I am being punished with that kind of future.

As Katpilot said, it depends on the group. For most, grief is personal. You don't have to actually weep and wail and fall out, but I will cry if I can't help it. I've cried in stores and run out. I've cried walking down the street. At times, my emotions and crying even depress me. There's a part of me that will hold in those emotions around others because I am sad all the time, pretty much 87% of the day and I feel like I will alienate people around me. People are uncomfortable with grief and sadness. Those who may have their own office at work and can hide has it easier than someone who may work with the public and have to hold it together. I've had my manager tell me a couple of times that I look sad and depressed. I am sad and depressed! But in certain situations I can't or don't want to be seen that way. However, if someone is looking sad all the time I would expect that and not judge. If they were back to being bubbly and themselves, I would not judge either, and assume the death was not as significant for them. If I knew the person who passed WAS of significance then I would think they are in denial, shock and just holding everything in. That would just make me sad.

I don't really feel like I fit anywhere either. The couple of times I've been out with friends it's so uncomfortable because there is not the genuine joy that once was. Plus, I can tell a couple of my friends think that me laughing or talking about something else means I'm "cured" or something. bascially this serious horrific tragedy is like dragging a boulder around with me everywhere. If I'm moody or not feeling it I always feel I have to explain. I can only stay "up" so long before my grief takes hold and I don't care for company or good times anymore. And that makes me sad and, as always, angry that my life has changed so much for the worse. Even when I have a good time I want to tell my sister about it later. Can't do that anymore. I find always feeling "out of place" is going to be a staple now. As far as friends, if they thought about me, great. I've had people contact and not even have time or want to really talk. It was just to say "hi, keep holding on. Peace out!" And they were gone. So then I feel like a fool expecting (and wanting) to have a conversation with them but they just allotted that 40 seconds for me. Nice.

Praying! Come on little one.

This. 100%. I don't mean to say that my only purpose and life was wrapped up with my sister, but because neither of us had kids or a husband, there was a good chance we'd be hanging out with each other for a lot longer. I figured I'd at least have her. So without that I do feel very "what now?" And even if I went off and did my own thing---she would be around somewhere. Not anymore. I just feel lonely and everything feels very shaky and bleak. The purpose of this car was to run around town TOGETHER! Nope, not to be. Thanks fate! So even something that was supposed to be exciting is depressing and not very enjoyable. When you are used to CONSTANTLY sharing something with someone else, you don't ever get used to them not being there. It never gets easier or better or different. I don't have much in my life but she was the bright spot because she was a big part of my fun. Now I can't even have that. Just feeling lonely right now and I can't concentrate on TV.

I went out with my mom today too and it just Felt like a movie trailer for how much I missed my sister and how obvious it was she was gone. It has ALWAYS been frustrating going out with my mom because she makes everything an ordeal. I didn't want to rush her today and do you know she still mucked around for almost THREE hours before I finally snapped and rushed her out the door. Even with a car I still don't want to just sit around for hours waiting for her to do nothing when we could just leave already. I kept thinking of how my sis would have been up and ready at 8:00 am. I could feel your frustrations about your shopping trip. I felt the same. I was driving around a very heavy traffic area and had 2 close calls as a new (bad) driver and I could tell she was annoyed when I got lost and was nervous. She was just ready to go eat. I know my sister would have at least been worried with me and we might have gotten a laugh. Overall, it's just everything reminds me of what I don't have anymore. And I'm so angry she's not here.

They also assume we can "think differently" and all will be OK. Think happy thoughts, think of the good times, think of what they would want for us, think of our futures. I agree that they don't know what to say so they say this but we can't "think" out pain away. I'm not trying to stay sad but, God, EVERY SINGLE DAY is a reminder she is gone. I can't think of anything else. It's excruciating.

My mom just told me about a neighbor finding her mother dead yesterday. She said this same neighbor had called a couple of other neighbors to come gawk at our house when our tragedy happened and when they were taking my sister out a couple of them were all standing there all excited asking my Ma what happened and my mom said she wanted to punch them in the face. Now, that lady had the same thing happen. Ambulance and fire dept. outside her house and a neighbor said she was screaming and crying. It will come back to you.

Scba, I think the same way you do. Actually, I don't think I have much of a destiny or future. When I think of it it is very scary. there is no one in the future I have to share it with. My friends, except one, have forgotten me as well. And this one is working and in nursing school so she is very busy. I also am the one reaching out to friends first and I have given that up. I'm done with them and I'm not getting on face book with a fake smile so they can like my post and feel good that they did something. I struggle on a daily basis. I'm tired.

It's very hard for me to remember how things were in the "before". I have thoughts of things I did in the past, how 'carefree' (to a degree) I was and everything was right with the world. Getting a better job and buying a car were my main concerns and I could live with that, as aggravating as they were. Those were fixable problems. Now "After" is just a feeling of hopelessness and unhappiness. Nothing can be "fixed" and I do walk around feeling very out of place among people. I know I"m not the only one that has lost someone tragically, but most days that's how I feel. Very alone and lonely.

Yep. It's not the holiday itself, but what you did on them. You had "your thing" and that made it special and worthwhile and something to look forward too. We didn't do the big Thanksgiving dinners anymore and everyone sorta filtered out to their own immediate family and did their thing. I looked forward to piddling around the house on Thanksgiving in my pj's, watching movies, hanging with my sister and cooking with my Ma. My sister and I also looked forward to Black Friday shopping--now all that is gone. Easter was always a ham, mac and cheese, rolls, etc. It was just us, so again, very small and cozy and laid back. My mom wasn't even thinking about Easter this year and decided she wanted to just cook a steak and call it a day. One more thing I looked forward to gone. My sister also loved Cadbury Eggs and she would make small Easter gifts for us. It was low key and nice and "our thing." It could be the smallest thing that you don't have anymore that now becomes Mount Vesuvius. I remember one Thanksgiving my sister and I went out the next day, I think to the Museum and was talking to a couple in line. We mentioned something about the traditional holiday dinner and the lady goes "Oh, we don't care about being out on the Holiday. We're just going to go to a restaurant." I always remember that because we were the same way--non-traditional, if you will, and did whatever. I think not even having my "whatever" is just to much to take. We never just did nothing. So holidays and birthdays are very hard.