hollowheart

Gin and Kay I'm thinking about you two. Gin, your plumbing problem sounds similar to our electrical problem that we haven't done anything about yet. One of those things that is bigger than you want it to be. Ugh. Not only would you two have your husbands to help you/do it for you, you'd at least have them to moan and groan about it with. As frustrating as things like that can be, when you have someone there to help it helps. For me, I'm horrible at making decisions and I worry about being taken advantage of. My sister was good at speaking up. Sigh.

Scba, I hate when memories of me and her pop up. It almost feels like I'm being ripped apart from the inside. Memories should be good things, but it just reminds me of things we will never do again, things we had so much fun doing. It's heartbreaking. No one to make anymore weekend plans with, vacation plans, evening plans. I can't find comfort in anything. As we have talked about, all I have are distractions and they are getting old because once I get tired of them I have nothing else, so I usually end up forcing myself to keep doing them out of something to do. Ugh.

Scba, yes, I think those that didn't know us don't know how one could be so close to a sibling. I don't know anyone else that is that close to a brother or sister. People I know hardly talk to their siblings or can't stand them. The fact that we were the main person in each others lives, and that we got each other and connected so well that makes this even harder. Maybe if we each had families it would be a little different, I'd have something else to focus on. I'm really left with no one now. I may have loved my TV, ipad and video games, but we were still an essential part of each others everyday. It's brutal not having that anymore. VERY brutal.

This is a big part of grief and is basically a snowball effect for creating all of your other feelings and emotions. When the loss is significant it effects everything, especially focus and motivation. You don't necessarily have to be depressed, but just sad. When you're sad you have no drive or determination. I lost my sister, not my mom and I'm almost 5 months out and can relate to everything you said. I feel exhausted all the time because it takes a big mental and physical effort to want to care about life again. And not just life, but the minute details of work and living become insurmountable. Can you pay for a grief therapist? Sadly, I don't find much in the way of group therapy hardly anywhere. I'm like you in that traveling a long distance is to much. I did find something but it would be a bit of a trek. I'm glad you decided to post here. Venting helps. Can you take even a little vacation from work to help? As far as bills, can you pay them online? Set up automatic bill pay through your bank or credit cards so that they will get paid without you having to do anything? I also didn't care about bills either for a couple of months, and missed a lot of payments, so I know how you feel there.

Yes, this is me. I'm just existing. I'm sad all the time. It feels so suffocating not having anyone to talk to, no conversations I enjoy. I was watching "Final Destination" a few days ago, a horror movie. My sister and I love those movies and own them, seen them multiple times. My mom came in and watched a little then asked "what's this?" It just instantly made me sad that I couldn't watch it with someone that knew what it was and was a fan. I couldn't enjoy it the way I would have liked. It keeps me hardened and angry.

Brad, I hope you don't think I took offense to anything you said. I definitely didn't. I think as far as the positive thoughts and gratitude thing some of us are so far apart on the spectrum of that we can't begin to understand each others thoughts about it. Basically, I understand needing to find gratitude and something positive everyday and moving toward a more hopeful life. Maybe it's because I've had negative experiences where a couple of people have said "You need to find something to be grateful for" as if that will demolish all my pain and sorrows. When something clicks for us, it just does. We don't know when it will be but I do believe it will happen eventually--even though I don't feel like it now.

I didn't think that's what you meant Cookie, but I absolutely agree with what you said here. I don't go around LOOKING for anything positive to be grateful for, but I do enjoy moments when they happen. I'm with you in feeling jealous and angry when I hear people say they focus on the positives. I feel like when I try I'm just pushing and forcing myself and it does not feel genuine and makes me feel even more alone and sad. Lately some of the distractions I've been using have been falling apart. They're getting boring. They mostly consist of forced TV/computer viewing which has started to make me even more angry because I'm more of a social person, believe it or not. Still looking for social outlets, but it's not easy. So I think my gratitude goes out the window most days.

Gwen and Cookie, I feel as you do. Gwen, I'm the same in I've also become selfish and hardened in wanting what I can't have. I also kept a gratitude journal before all this (it was an iphone app) and my sister had a gratitude channel (Thankful Thursdays') on youtube that I looked at often. I felt gratitude about a lot of things, I didn't necessarily wake up smiling saying I"m going to find the good in today! but I was better at not sweating the small stuff and having a good day regardless. Brad, I'm glad you said some people mistake gratitude for happiness. That is true. When people say "you should be grateful you have a roof over your head" they also assume that will automatically make you happy and take you out of your sadness/grief. So like Cookie pointed out, it is disappointing that feeling that gratitude didn't really do much. I have more things to be sad for than to be grateful for. It might take a lot of time for me and other people who feel the way I do to feel differently. I do have things to be grateful for, but right now they mean nothing. I feel miserable 90% of the day. The weekends I feel like killing myself they are so horrible. Because I always already felt gratitude I feel like 'I was already doing my duty and look what it got me' It's hard to keep feeling that way. Cookie you mentioned that some people are looking for approval by showing how much gratitude they have. I think society pushes that agenda too. You know people love a great story of someone being super grateful and having this positive outlook on life after a tragedy. Some people are better at that than others. I'm trying to find something, but it's like looking for a ghost. I don't even feel like I have a life anymore. I know, baby steps. I'm hoping.

Sounds more like a memorial-like remembrance than a traditional funeral. I feel like with memorials anything goes.

Kay, your funeral bad is not as desperate this. I play this game on my phone where I have to rescue this man. I get updates through the app where he sends messages on his whereabouts and How to save him. Every time I hear the 'ding' I sorta pretend it's a real message from someone. It's the only texts I get. Sad x 10,000. So sad it's funny.

Marg, I felt that way just today. I wanted to get in a car and just drive and I felt like just driving off the ends of the earth. Today was Godawful and it is from loneliness. I feel like my Ma only acknowledges me to fix the TV or wifi. I cried all day today. Alone. Oh, and she happened to come into the room while I was sniffling and wiping my eyes and what happens? She sticks the remote in my face because she can't get a picture to show. I'm going to join you in that motel room. Bedbugs and all.

This is exactly what makes me so moody and angry all the time. To some people it may seem like I just complain all the time but for my sister it was just basic, everyday annoyances. There is pretty much something everyday that made me eyeroll and it was nice to vent even if it was a text about a loud, dumb person on the bus. We'd laugh and move on but it was those few seconds that I was able to vent, even something as tiny as that that could get me through the day. So I get what you mean about being more bothered than you would be. Knowing I have no one for that, and if I tried I'm just seen as Debbie Downer griping about everything. I so miss the conversations and the time made just to talk. I get tired of TV and distractions. I just want a conversation.

Put me in the club of not wanting to do anything you used to do with your loved one. There is a store we used to go to all the time, we look alike so everyone knew us and they would go "where's your sister?" if we weren't together. I cant' stand of the idea of them asking and I have to say she passed away instead of she's just at home and didn't feel like coming out. I just HATE that thought. I see TV shows and trailers for movies and can't get excited at all. Shopping is just dreadful now and that was such a fun thing to do. And I don't mean for clothes, we liked all kinds of stuff, so it was fun going to out. I dont' want change either, but I go to restaruants we used to go to and I can still see us sitting in 'that' booth, or her waiting in line at 'that' counter or something like that. I just want to rewind back to those days.

Scba, I feel that same trauma. I think I still suffer from PTSD. I still have flashes of finding my sister, trying to open her mouth, just doing heart compressions when I knew it was all over. I have regrets that I didn't kiss her or stay with her after she passed. I just couldn't look at her lifeless body. She wasn't goofing around or something, she was actually dead. I just couldn't deal. It was so sudden I wasn't even thinking about saying goodbye, I just am still full of anger all the time. I hate how I have changed and will never be the same.

Froggie, your recap almost broke me because I have the same kind of story, as we all. Your line "It NEVER dawned on me that he would die" was my major mistake. Heck, I wish I had moments of them working on my sister for 45 minutes, at least I could say they tried. I had blinded myself into believing we had time, that the worst thing in the world would not happen. Just that sort of denial bubble I had cocooned myself in. I believe it cost her life. When you said you had to move the furniture around I nodded. I feel the same way about everything from her apartment to our neigborhood. I see her everywhere, and yet I'm terrified to let go of that familiarity. To go to something new is like dumping her in the past. I don't know what to do. Sorry for my rant.

Scba, you took the words right out of my mouth. I lost my sister and basically myself and my life with her. About 10 minutes before I read your post I was thinking about how I missed looking for movies in Target and Walmart, some of our favorite things to do, and I reminded myself that without her to get me up on Saturday and do random shopping trips, I do nothing. I haven't gotten the motivation to do it alone. The fun was finding stuff and showing each other. And seeing other people together reminds me of how alone I am, so I just stay home. And staying home reminds me of all the things I lost and don't do anymore, which makes my life very sad, boring and lonely.

Brat, I just love that you said he liked the decorations and asked you when you would be putting them up. That's great. I would so love a man like that. I'm a big sap and loved doing things for people, especially knowing they'd really appreciate it or get a kick out of it. Because I'm that type of person I will miss that. Christmas was awful, very hollow and boring. It's like I having nothing to look forward to during NO TIME of the year now. Ugh.

Mmmm, tacos (in my Homer Simpson voice) You are right it's the gift that keeps on giving, lol. When I know that bedtime will be too much, I take a sleeping pill because I know it will be tough. So in a way I get those bad 'before bed moments' too. Although you're different because you were actually sleeping with someone, I just have horrible memories to keep me awake. I find I have anxiety, angry triggers during certain situations. Times when I would go to my sister to vent, or get advice or discuss something and I don't have it, it makes me crazy.

Karen, I'm glad you got your BP going down. 225/95? Yikes! I can only imagine your headache. I get them too when my BP spikes. I took mine at a drug store kiosk thing and it said 170 but my doctor didn't believe it was that high for some reason, although my head was killing me. I don't know how I would be feeling if it was over 200. Wow. Speaking of antidepressants, I'm on Zoloft but I can't tell it's doing anything. My doc told me it takes weeks to work, but I still didn't feel like it was doing anything. When I got anxious I wanted to be able to take one and TELL that it was helping calm my nerves. They are 25mg and when I was online people were saying they were taking 50mg and it had horrible effects on them so I was nervous about wanting her to up the dosage. I don't know if I should ask for something different or not, but when I feel freaked out it would feel good to have something I can feel working.

Happy Belated Birthday Brat. I'm happy to hear that I'm not the only one that cared about birthdays and holidays. Kay, that's awful no one remembered your bday on the day, but I'm glad it finally got celebrated. We would celebrate everything--Birthdays, Easter, Valentines Day, Christmas. I will miss that. I couldn't even get the guy I was 'dating' to care, he didn't even give me a card! I always think that I will never get anyone to care about things like she did.

Kay, Cookie, Scba, yep! That's all I can say to all or your posts. I agree with everything you all said. Scba, I laughed when you said "Oh I do care today, yesss!" ROTFL. But seriously, You all are right about the motivation. Being sad about something robs you of your ambition. I always think about times I was stressed or worried about something. That's all that was on my mind. It's impossible to get it off. This is the same way, you can't just shake off grief and get back to it. Having someone there to share in your joy is a big motivation factor. I'm not saying I can't do anything unless I have someone to be there for it, but we shared so much. Me and my sister loved movies, we loved watching new movie trailers then texting good ones to each other, getting all hyped for this upcoming movie. It's not just about watching trailers, but the big thing was getting excited about a movie and knowing I had someone that would be excited with me. Knowing I have NO ONE that would care about this stuff makes me even more depressed. That's why it's hard to get back into things, but I'm slooooooowly getting there. I think that's where my anger comes in. I get mad there is no one that gives a sh** about anything I care about. It's almost a maddening loneliness.

Cookie, I'm getting there I guess. I will probably still do the garden thing. I really enjoyed that, especially when I actually saw my little plants growing, lol. It's not always meek and bleak, but I would always share my joy with my sister and not having her here to do that makes me feel very "what's the point?" sometimes. It makes me mad to have a fun, funny moment and no one to tell about it or share it with. And if I do they look crazy because they don't get it or don't really care. That's really bad. I think it does take time to get out of that "I don't care" mode.

Scba, I can't tell you how many times I have looked into something animal related.Either volunteer or for a job/career. I always came up moot. I might try again for volunteering. Everything was always filled up and no volunteer spots available, if you can believe that. It's very frustrating trying to find a job I can tolerate or like, even it's not animal related. I'm tired of admin work and get out of it. But I digress. As what you said about reading and your accessories and all that, I felt those words so much. I'm not one for make up, but I liked earrings, and necklaces, at least for work. I was jeans and a t-shirt for the weekends, but work I tried looking better. Now I don't care about it anymore and I know I could letter better for work. Oh well. I love Pinterest and would always find some new recipe to try and enjoyed cooking. The mental joy and energy is not there anymore. I was also getting all into gardening and was going to start some potted plant gardens indoor and out. It's hard to find that joy again because you don't have any joy.

Mitch, I recall feeling similar disgruntled and angry feelings about doctors/hospital after my sister passed. She kept getting so many letters about rescheduled appointments. The weekend she started to go downhill, she was supposed to have an appointment on Monday, but of course it was rescheduled. She was NOT doing well and was gone within 2 days. I do blame myself for just not calling 911, but I think had she had her scheduled appointment it would have been right on time and she have certainly been admitted and treated and most likely alive right now. It actually would have been perfect timing because she got sick on Sunday and had an appointment on Monday. But it was rescheduled. I can't fully blame them for everything, but I do wonder if they told her how serious her condition was and what to look for in emergencies. I just feel like we both failed her.

Matt, I'm sorry you lost your brother. Was Matt your brothers name? I'm assuming you're the girl in the picture. Thank you for your words. I agree with Kay that you never move on from your grief, but I believe I get what you are saying. I think grief stays with you forever in some form. It's just not something people want to accept. I think about my sister everyday, all day. That may not be healthy to some people but it is what it is and I can't stop my thoughts. Kay, like you and George, me and my sister had a special, close relationship that was a daily thing. It's not very easy to try to reform your life after losing that. If I'm still here 20 years from now, I wholly expect to still be thinking of her everyday, and probably just as much. Sadly, the longer I'm without her the more I want and need her and I feel like our memories are fading. I hate that. As time passes I think we can stop dwelling and focusing on the certain aspects of the death, and sometimes those memories are not as painful as they once were. It's very hard to change mental and emotional pain.