WolfsKat

Day 3 of being back to work. Bad night last night, I had a fairly big breakdown.....unfortunately while friends were here to visit. I was in so much physical pain from work, compounded w/no sleep.....I just snapped.....started crying, could not stop, asked them to please just leave me alone.....I detest crying in front of people! Bless them they understood. I cried hard for a few hours. After I calmed down some, I "bit the bullet" and made a phone call. Walmart offers a program called Resources For Living....they have a 24 hour phone line. I called and said I needed help. Upshot is, they will cover 3 "mental health" visits a year (generous, eh?). But I will be getting a appointment made Monday, and I asked to be referred to someone experienced in grief recovery. I figure 3 visits are better than zero,and hope to get a prescription for sleep aid. Now that I'm back to work, I just can't deal with the lack of sleep! I think chronic sleeplessness can make everything seem just worse, especially when compounded with physical pain. Anyway. Hoping even just 3 visits will be of some help. Grasping for any sliver of hope here! Going back to work has been hell.

I think I'm going to invent a new term...."Grief Dementia"........it's like you are temporarily (hopefully) not fully cognizant.....I actually found my car keys in the fridge freezer one day.....go figure. And have to question myself as to whether or not I already took meds, sometimes cannot recall if, or what I've eaten today.. Not like me, at all. I've always been "the caretaker" a great portion of my life.....for my siblings, my parents, my children, friends, my husband......always efficient, always attuned to detail.....but seems increasingly apparent that I'm not too capable of taking care of "me". .Hope I'm not the only one who feels this way!

I was off months before Connor died, But still, 12 weeks since......you think I'd do better. I made it through the day, with only one fairly minor breakdown. But in so much physical pain the emotional is taking a backseat. Maybe this is a good thing. I'll take physical pain over emotional any day. Many coworkers happy to see me back, missed me. Management? All they care about is "oh good, you are back.......please do the work of three, that would be great, thanks" Nevermind that I am the oldest person in my department, expected to take up the slack that the 20-somethings cannot seem to do.......same ol' same ol'.......SOSDD! Hopefully, so exhausted I can sleep tonight. Just totally wrung OUT!

I had my last post-op visit at the doctor last Thursday, and was released to return to work. I dropped off the release paperwork at the personnel office, along with a note to my supervisor, explaining that I would need to leave work one hour early on the 15th (tomorrow) for my appointment at the Social Security office for death benefit filing. After hearing nothing for days, I get a call yesterday afternoon....report to work tomorrow. I've not been back since before Connor's death. So much anxiety! It is a stressful job at the best of times, and I'm worried about how I'm to cope now. Not the type of job that I can just walk off if I have a "grief attack" hit. I checked my upcoming schedule online, and they did NOT allow me to be able to leave that one hour early for the SS appointment, that I've been waiting weeks for! So now I'll have to cancel and try to reschedule for one of my days off....I am sure that will take many more weeks. This corporation has zero compassion or caring for their thousands of workers.....I so wish I could find another job, but at my age, so close to possible retirement, it would be very difficult. My anxiety level is at a all time high right now.....trying to not stress....impossible! Also, when I come home from work.......it will be the very first time since Connor's been gone.....there will be no happy "Honey, you're HOME!" called out by him, as he did every day. It's after midnight.....I have to be to work at 5:00 a.m. So stressed I can't fall asleep.....this is not good!

I like that even better! And instead of meetings, we'd all go and do a fun & wild activity together....maybe get matching W.O.W tee shirts....appropriately very loudly colored and flamboyant! Y'all can come down here, I live close to Disney World.....we'd get a group discount!

I went through my husband's meds as well. Did that early on. Kept the pain meds and the meloxicam. He had about 15 sealed Symbicort inhalers, I gave those to a friend with COPD.....he has a prescription, but had been doing without since the cost was too high for him. That would've made Connor happy, to help another out.....he was a very caring person. And to throw them out seemed wrong when I knew someone could use them.....some drugs are expensive....too expensive for some to manage to buy!

I like the way you think! But I was really hoping for the purple w/flames..... Maybe you can start a club with other wild women.....call it "WOW"...for Wild Old Women.........I'd join!

Like millions of others, I've purchased a ticket for the huge Powerball.....actually 2 tickets (not much of a gambler). More out of habit......Connor and I would buy a ticket once a week.....we loved to do the "what if we won" thing.......tops on our list was traveling worldwide, helping people, designing our dream home, etc. It was fun to dream, together! Now, it hit me......if I did win such a jackpot, what a bittersweet thing. The ONE thing I'd wish for the most is what no amount of money could buy.....my beloved husband returned to me. I'd trade all of that money for just one more day with him! That being said......I still would appreciate a win, if only for relief of monetary worries, and for the opportunity to help others......and I could sure make a huge donation to this site!

Dear Janka......Such beautiful poems you write......and so expressive of the deep love you have for your precious Jan. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us here....your soul is as beautiful as your words!

Dear Marg A lot of truth in that statement! We may, each of us, be alone.....but if by being here, sharing, hopefully helping one another, we can feel less so, emotionally. And, I think.....at least for myself.....that this is just WHY I miss my Connor so very much.....out of all the people on this earth, and in my entire life, HE was the one person who made me feel part of a whole, not alone. We were so close, so attuned to one another, so much a "unit".....I never felt alone, nor lonely. I'm surrounded by friends, when I'm with family the same.....but now....the "alone-ness" hits, hard!

Dear TH Yes, it is VERY hard.....but I truly believe that this is one of the very best ways for us to honor the ones we've lost....I think that is precisely what they'd want for us, as well. If they saw the good in us, and helped us discover it for ourselves, nurtured it, and celebrated it......it seems a disrespect to them if we turn our backs on that "new self" we'd become with them.

I've experience intense anger, as well. One memorable night, I literally tore up the house, stomping through rooms, tossing things, breaking things....screaming my anger out loud, not caring if the neighbors heard or not! And....found out I could be very fluent in profanity! I was angry at Connor for not listening to me when I kept on urging him to get checked out....mad at myself for not just forcing him to go in....mad at the medical community for not finding a miracle for him....mad at God for murdering Connor (that is exactly how it felt)....mad at people quoting stupid platitudes to me....mad that I could not just die, too....mad because all of our dreams and plans were GONE.....mad at the world, and everything in it, basically! Although horrible, and draining, releasing all of that anger was also cathartic, in a way. I NEEDED to....so I did so.....no apology for it, not even to myself. And, actually....feeling very angry feels better than just feeling grief. I still have anger episodes, but I just let myself feel it....it needs to "get out"....bottling it up will create a pressure cooker that will blow, otherwise. But I've not run amok like I did that one night...although I believe it was necessary at that time.

I've often felt just like this.....in the first horrible early days, I prayed to die....even researched suicide methods on the internet....but, like you, I was afraid that in actually doing that might preclude me from being reunited with Connor....and that would be even worse than death! Also knowing our two spoiled furkids would be left behind.....Connor loved them so much. And knowing that Connor would be SO upset with me even thinking that way! I came to my senses....especially when it hit me just how horrible my death would be for my 3 kids....experiencing this myself, as a very loving Mum, HOW could I even think of inflicting that grief upon them? So....working on this whole process.....the pain is still there, but the immediate wish to die is not. If it happens naturally, I am ok with that....but it will not be by my own hand. Unacceptable. Praying for comfort, peace, and respites from this pain for you, me....all of us here in this forum!

Dear George I hope your sister's surgery went well as expected, and she is doing okay! You are fortunate to have a caring sibling in your life, I am sure she is a blessing to you! Good to hear you are working on taking care of yourself, as well.....Peace.

I so often wish that there will come a point in time when this grief will be much less constantly wrenching and nightmare-ish.........and I could just "click off" and fast forward to that future point....instead of having to endure this hell. I guess all of us would wish for that. "Doing grief" is damn hard work....it colors every facet of your life!

Kay, that is very true....and the same thought can apply to other aspects of our lives, as well. I'd only known abuse, and coldness from a man (my ex, I divorced after 30 years). Connor had been in a hellish marriage, in which he was emotionally and psychologically abused for years, before divorcing. We'd each become hermits, after our marriages ended, in a way. But when we found one another(online, believe it or not!),,,,,wow. Instant recognition....we knew we were "meant"....and totally thrilled to be together, we were giddy with it for the years we shared! Our bad experiences, I believe, made us much more understanding, caring, and appreciative of what we had together, because we had been through so much before. Each of us could've let our bad experience of marriage make us bitter, and never allow us to love again.

Enna.......I am going to print out that badge and wear it.......some days even that IS a huge accomplishment....thanks for the smile!

Dear Butch I am sorry that you feel this way.....no, you are NOT. You are "one of us".......and there is not anything you could write that would ever make me think of you by that term! What you wrote about your last minutes with your beloved wife was heartfelt and poignant......I could feel your shattering pain, but I could also feel your great and abiding love for her in your words, as well.....I would hate to see those honest emotions "deleted" I am praying that you can get through this very sad time knowing that others here DO care...and wish you comfort. Blessings to you!

Dear Kristine......I do not know if it is a help, but I can share my own feelings about what you wrote. I, too, would reject the idea of "letting him go". I know my husband is gone from this life, that I will not be able to be with him in the physical sense, for the rest of whatever time I have left here. But, I take a small amount of comfort in thinking he is still "with me" in the spiritual sense. I still talk to him....and, I don't think that is crazy behavior, it is quite common, as I've learned here. Every person has their own belief system, that is something very personal, and I believe that even if we may not agree, that those beliefs should be respected. My personal belief is that those we loved, and lost, somehow still have the ability to know what we are going through, and still love us as they did here on this plane. And perhaps they try to send us comfort in our grief, as they now know that we WILL be reunited, for eternity, someday. I'm not delusional, nor am I having "magical thoughts" that he will suddenly return....but I will continue to talk to him, to cherish and love him, and to try hard to make a life without him, even if it seems impossible right now, because I know he'd want me to still find some form of happiness even without him.....so I will do that, for him, in his honor and memory, and for me. My Connor will always be in my heart, my mind, and my soul....this will NEVER change, and I totally reject the notion that I "should" feel any differently! Again, I do not know if my words are of any help to you....but I sincerely wish you well on your journey through this horrible thing, grief!

Dear Janka......that is a beautiful, and touching tribute to the great love you and your beloved Jan shared! You are right, your friends may mean well, but they truly just cannot understand that kind of deep love if they have not been so fortunate to have found it themselves. Continue to do what pleases you, and is good for you!

Most definitely NO!!!! This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life! But will try to have a few good chapters written before the end of "my book".

George......I understand that. For me, it feels so surreal.......sometimes it feels as if Connor's death was just a few days ago....and other times, it feels like I've already been living the nightmare of losing him for eons!

Marg I talk to my Connor often.....my cats are getting used to it, although they do look at me strangely from time to time! And, it is NOT stupid to ask for a sign, I do this as well (and have yelled a time or three out of sheer frustration).....and I think many of us do, and it is very natural to long for such signs. I remember you relating the story of the "nugget", and thinking, DEFINITELY a sign! I read, somewhere, that receiving signs, or a sense of their presence, is more common when we are falling asleep, or in the dream cycle. The writer theorized that it seems to be easier for the departed to make contact then, when are shields are down and we are more "open" to receiving. It does make some sense! The writer also suggested that the spirit doing this has to use a lot of "psychic juice" to enable the message/sign.....and some are more adept at it than others, and the ability for them to do so increases in time. Who knows? I like to think that there are always possibilities we "water bugs" can hope for!

Oh, that had to be so, so very difficult for you! Of course, I am sure the lecturer had no clue that this would be distressing for you....but, it had to be devastating! I can barely fathom that you were able to manage to keep some composure and continue to sit through that....but you did, and that is something to be proud of....you DID get through it. As for the joking about death.....some will do that, and that is actually their fear of it speaking, it can make people uncomfortable to speak of death, so they use "humor" as a defense. I am so glad that you are managing to continue your studies with all that you've had to contend with, your Mum raised a bright, strong young lady, and I am sure she is still looking upon you with pride! Best wishes, dear, I hope you will have better days soon.

Janice, I hope you will find something that will give you what you need right now! What a pity that that woman in charge is no good....Kay's suggestion of reporting her is good, at the very least, I would tell them exactly why you are leaving! You may want to check into after-school programs. many schools have them to cover the few hours gap between the end of the school day and parents getting out of work. I know a lady who has done this for years, she still is going strong at it at age 66....the kids love her! Best of luck to you!