Mom's angel

I understand. Not having my mother with me, it hurts. No matter what I do deep inside there is always this constant feeling of something wrong. My time with her was the most wonderful part of my life and I miss that part so bad. You spend your life years with the person never thinking about living life without them, they become a part of you and them death comes in between and suddenly everything is ruined and you're left to live without them clinging to every ray of hope about their spiritual existence. I also have to decided about doing something as from now I'll be free most of the time and so I'm getting many suggestion and I have to choose one carefully,

I feel sorry for my mom, I feel sorry for myself too but I avoid that kind of sympathy towards myself as she didn't left me, it was the circumstances, the bad discission and my own avoidance, no matter what.. a part of me will always know that I am guilty. I feel sorry for her because of what she'll miss, what she deserved to be a part of, the happiness she deserved but on the bright side.. She's with God, at peace in heaven.. And I'll meet her again. I do feel jealous of others who are with their mothers, I won't lie about that and when I see girls of around my age with their mom I feel sorry for myself.

Thank you

Thank you so much enna, You guys have really supported me.

I understand but at sometimes such thinking seems so right and the thought of being well/okay without them feels as a heavy rock of guilt on our soul. Living a normal life without them seems so wrong, it feels like denying the importance of their existence. I'm not saying that during the past months I've never laughed or anything but it's the guilt feeling that comes immediately after the laugh. But considering what you said I'll let time do it's work and avoid such negative thoughts.

My result came today. I passed the exam. It's 7.3 GPA out of 10. It's the lowest I've got but that's okay. I wanted to share this with all of you and thank all you.

This is true, at least I feel like that. Her not being with me kills me. It's like when they die our soul also dies with them and from that day onwards only our body functions.

I wear one of my mom's favourite ring, it feels nice. So a few days ago while I was doing my work(evening time) I suddenly noticed that the ring was missing. I was madly thinking about the last time I saw it and all I could remember was that it was on my finger before I went to sleep. I hadn't noticed it since then. I was searching everywhere for it, all the places I went before… but it was impossible for the ring to just slip out of my hand as it fit me perfectly( a little tighter though). Besides I don't remember taking it off that night or the following day. I looked inside my purse and it was there in a tiny pocket. I was relieved. What bothered me was "how and when did it went into my purse?" I asked my father and brother if they found it somewhere and placed it in my purse but they said they didn't even saw/touch it. I'm very sure that I didn't took it of that night. I feel like it was my mom.

You're letter is beautiful, It seems like it has been written by me, every word is relatable. I also prepared cards for her, on her birthday, anniversary, mother's day with crayons and color pencils. They were not so good but she admired them. My mom also died during a festival week. You express your emotions beautifully.

I understand. I decided not to do it as my mother is with me already.

So few days ago we met a friend of my father and he were an astrologist also ( not psychic). My father told him about my mom and then he asked us if we get dreams about my mom. My father and brother said yes but mom doesn't talk in their dreams. I told him that my mom does talk to me in dreams and we live a normal life in my dreams, just like we used to live and I also told him that I saw/felt her hand once when I was awake but asleep. He said that " when someone dies his/her soul is taken to God and then the soul complaints to God about the deeds that were undone, about leaving his/her children, spouse, parents, siblings, how he/she wanted to live more. Hearing this God gives then an option that what the soul wants to do?, if it wants to return or stay with God. If the soul says it wants to return then God grants him/her the choice to return, But their body is already buried or cremated so they have to return in the soul form. Now it cannot just directly enter and live with the living family as it has been transferred to a new form, new world and so they comes in our dreams indicating that they want to come back. In order to let them be with us, giving them all the rights to do so, we have to perform a ritual. The soul of our beloved ones are with us but there are other souls too which might be bothering them so in order to grant them permission we have to allow them in the name of lord that we want them to stay with us for as long as they want to stay." He also talked about how his father stayed with them this way and then six years ago his father told him that now he is satisfied and wants to return to God and so they allowed him to go. He also told us about how his father helped him in various ways throughout the years he was with his family. He was weak in a particular subject and his father used to teach him that subject through his dreams. He said he got his job because of his father's teaching. He told us if we want to know more about what my mom wants to do then we have to perform the ritual. He also said that he never charges for this. Can it be true or it's all fake?

Wishful thinking or mindless dreaming whatever it is but it gives me hope, a hope to meet her again, a hope that there is a world after death . My world collapsed when my mom died. I have no passion for living. I've got a long life ahead and it has no meaning but I'm still surviving and in this life full of sadness the only thing that gives shivering happiness is believing in her presence around me I am a science student but yet I do believe in it and don't need any proof for it being her or not, the thing I've experienced was different, different than anything else in this world. And even if it is a wishful thinking it's not hurting anyone.. I'd like to have such wishful thinkings?.

I believed in signs too. I would love to have a smell related or a sense related sign from mom. I agree, sings happen in many different ways and I feel like I've missed to recognize many of them because I was not paying much attention but I'm glad that I experienced them in at least one way- through dream visitations.

Every word you've written reflects my feelings. Our losses are different but hey a loss of a beloved one is a loss nothing can replace. I lost my mom 20Nov 2015, I'm 21 and my mom was and still is my world. I'm going through each and everything you're going through. Guilt always surrounds me, anger comes following it. But from what I've heard and read in this forum, I can tell you that this is all okay. A loss of a beloved one is not something we can just accept, requires time and our own understanding. One thing is for sure that our beloved ones will never blame us for their death and will never want us to feel guilty about it but we all do that. One fact is ' no amount of guilt will change what has happened' and the only thing we can do is live, live this life on behalf of them, keeping them alive in our memories. Do you have anyone to talk about your feeling? It helps. Do you go to a grief counselor? Find a grief group ( if you haven't joined any, I'm trying to find one) that will help a lot as you'll get the chance to express your feeling and get to know the feelings of others who are going through the same.

I get dreams about her every night, just not for a few days in the beginning but those 'no dreams about her' nights paid off by a visitation from her. Your sensing the smell of flowers was a wonderful experience. I've never had any smell related visitation or maybe I don't focus much or it might be because most of her things are surrounding me so her smell is never gone. I wear her clothes sometimes when I miss her.

I've heard my mom's voice many times but not actually a conversation. It's like I hear her calling me, saying something ( mostly the words are not clear but from the voice and the way the words are spoken I know that was my mom). I've had visitation from her in the form of dreams and I know that was her as those moments were so real. I do believe she's looking after me and is with me.

The Boiling Frog Theory - Put a frog in a vessel of water and start heating the water... - As the temperature of the water rises, the frog is able to adjust its body temperature accordingly... - The frog keeps on adjusting with increase in temperature... - Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog is not able to adjust anymore... - At that point the frog decides to jump out... - The frog tries to jump but is unable to do so, because it lost all its strength in adjusting with the water temperature... - Very soon the frog dies. What killed the frog? Many of us would say the boiling water...But the truth is what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when it had to jump out... We all need to adjust with people and situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust and when we need to confront / face or even consciously move out/ on... (I took this passage from here https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140810102814-54131350-jump-or-adjust-the-boiling-frog-theory-mb-1) And remember grief has no time limit and no one has the right to set the limit for you. It's only been 6 months you have all the right to griev,cry and mourn over your loss.

Maybe some point afterwards in the grief journey I'll be in that situation were keeping myself busy will help.

I understand to some extent as recently one actor from a show died(R.I.P), me and my mom used to watch the show. When I heard about the news my first reaction was thinking about how my mom would have reacted, she'd be so much sad. There was this desperate feeling of telling her this as I usually go chattering around her about most of the things that happens on the TV (or anything in general that only we found interesting). R.I.P. Prince

Thank you so much enna, alone & lost and kayc for your kind support and love. Alone and lost, after my mom died not even one month was complete and I had to go for my practical exams. I can understand what you went through. Keeping myself busy is not a good idea for me as whenever I try to avoid the fact and indulge in something else, I feel like everything around me and inside me is pulling me back to my emotions and then I burst out crying. Moreover I've felt that my mind is still ready to except the lie that my mom is alive and gone somewhere for a while, it hurts afterwards so I don't trick myself.

True. I sometimes get angry and yell at god for my mother's death but I'll always be grateful to god for blessing me with such wonderful and lovely mom. She gave me everything she possibly could, she gave me all her love and made those 20 years as the best years of my life. If I get a chance I can live my entire life (until my time arrive) rewinding those years again and again.

My exams have started and they are going okay. I know study would seem like the least difficult thing but it's very hard for me to focus and especially when most of the topics are related to my mom's death. But when I feel low I read all this post again and think about mom and all those who are with me. This is the last, it'll be till 10 May and then it'll be over.

I'm so glad you're back

Johann, I lost my mom on Nov20 2015, I'm 21 and my mom was 42, never thought about losing her and that too so early. She was and still is my everything, my whole world. That day when I saw her dead is still fresh is my memory but yet many times I forget about her death and then suddenly realise it. From what I'm going through I don't think that grief will be in a particular pattern, we can be happy or okay at sometimes and sad at the next moment. Grief Triggers will always be their to bring back various emotions. In one way or another the truth is that we all are somehow managing/surviving without our beloved ones though we all are so much ready to give up but the thing that keeps us going is the unconditional love of our beloved ones.

The only that keeps me going is her thought, the sweet memories. I can relate to everything you've written. My mom was 42 when she died, it's a long journey ahead without her, My gradation without her, there are so many situation where I'll miss her badly. I'm glad that you're making such positive efforts.