Widowedbysuicide

Happy Birthday George. Your post is just what many of us need. Very realistic and and encouraging. Thanks for that. Marita

Thank you for your kind words @Eagle-96. I hope your cousin has been able to work past the self blaming aspect of being a suicide survivor. Between guilt and wondering 'why' it isn't a smooth journey. Yes, all of us here are facing a mighty struggle. I sure don't wish this on anyone. I am so thankful for being able to come here to get help for myself and I want to return that help and support each one who is suffering. Physically I can't do anything to actually be helpful. I hope I can give some bit of wisdom or comfort to those here. Loss by any means is painful and I agree that the journeys must not be compared. On the days that my sorrows are better I can try to empathize with those whose days are filled with difficulty and sadness. Praying for moments of comfort for each of us today and always. ? Hugs too. I really miss his hugs ?

I'm sorry to hear of so much sadness and suffering. I feel bad for myself but I do feel fortunate that my sorrows are less complicated than those of you here. Prayers and hugs to all. ?

Please do look after yourself. Kay is right about the mask. ?

Hurray Gin!

Hi @Nightwinds, I'm sorry you have had so much loss. It is overwhelming to lose fur family so close in time to human family. It seems to compound the loss exponentially. Having so much change in a short period of time is something I have trouble with. I'm so glad you have puppy time ?, lucky for puppy too. A tiny bit of joy is a blessing to hold on to. When my husband died I was sure that life couldn't get much worse, I jinxed myself. It was a devastating time for me and I really didn't know if I was coming or going. I hear that is how our mind protects us. Within days of him passing his cat passed too. She was elderly but it wasn't expected. I think she just needed to join him in heaven. She used to ride on the hood of the tractor when he was moving dirt and manure piles. She loved to sit with him on the lawn swing... Good remeberances. That was in January 2016. In September of '16 I had to have one of my horses put down. It killed me to have to do it but that was the best option for him as I did not want him suffering. Attending to the details alone was awful. He is resting in a quiet spot out back. Seeing his saddle and the carriage are still difficult things. I have lost two barn cats and found a couple of dead stray cats since then. More grief piling up to the point that I don't know how much more I can take. I was hoping to end the year without more loss but that wasn't to be as I lost another horse in his sleep. My husband's mother also passed before the new year. I can honestly say I was glad to see 2017. My mini poodle has fathered two litters of puppies, since January, and I was there to help with the whelping. New life is so positive. I've also helped with the whelping of three other litters of puppies and house sat there. Love the smell and innocence of the tiny beings. Next week there is a litter of medium sized Golden Doodles due. These are my dog's Grandpuppies. That is some of the positive for me. New life and meeting new people. We all need something to look forward to that brings positivity into our lives. Bless you. And hugs to you too. ?

@Nightwinds I feel for you. I see some of my own issues in your post. I pray we both can move forward with less distress. Hugs ?

Thank you Kay. It means a lot to me that you understand and care. You are a wonderful person!

I'm glad you are able to find those happy moments. I hope that you will have many more happy ones and fewer devastating ones. Hugs and prayers for you. @kayc great list. I'm going to save it.

I'm having a struggle. I am noticing how agitated I become when it seems I must defend my actions. The anxiety feels like an elephant crushing my chest and I just can not settle myself down. I don't want to use meds or alcohol to numb myself but I'm seriously hurting mentally and physically. I have been on antidepressant and antianxiety medications for nearly 30 years. My husband was my support; he was so very patient with me. He saved me from obsessing on suicide more times than I can count. I am devastated that at the time he was suffering I didn't see his depression and any possibility of his suicide. Hindsight is 20-20 they say. It's true. I can not change the past, I wish I had the chance. Anyway, I'm having a major problem with my depression and I don't have anyone I can talk to. Small communities aren't the best for good support. Only the people who have suffered the loss of a spouse have any idea of what it's like. I'm really alone in my depression and grief. I don't plan to harm myself or end my life but I sure don't know how to get some relief. Facebook was becoming a problem in that there were a lot of insensitive posts and comments, not to mention hurtful questions. I decided to unfriend those people who I felt uncomfortable being connected to. It was good because I was having less anxiety wondering what I was going to read/see next. Then I got a message from my husband's eldest sister and it has started me on a boil again. Should I have to justify my actions? Do I need to remind her that I'm living an existence that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you are having some better days. @Finch

Eagle 96 I'm glad you found this forum and all the great people and help here. This place is often the only thing that helps me get through those moments when I feel like I can't take another second of pain.

I'm so very sorry Butch. I can not begin to even imagine what you are going through and how painful it must be. Healing hugs and prayers to you.

Great news! ? Very happy for you both.

I am so glad that Tammy is there with you. It must be an awesome feeling Mitch! I hope this continues for you ?

Your sister has my prayers of healing and restoration. I'm glad some things are looking up for you.

Nightwinds this is the most difficult thing I have experienced in my life. I knew that losing someone I loved would be painful but I had no idea of the depth of the emotional and physical pain of losing my husband. It's been 16 months for me and while not all days are filled with the torture, I wonder too how a body can keep going when it feels like it's exploding and imploding at the same time. I will pray for some comfort for you and offer you a virtual hug. I really miss the hugs ?

Hugs and prayers for you.

Hello Butch. I was thinking about you this last week and I honestly am amazed that you are able to manage so much sadness. It's wonderful that a new little person is going to join your family and I pray all goes well. Your life has been filled with so many highs and lows. I pray that whatever it is that helps you get up each morning continues to help you. Huge hugs to you.

Yes, what Marty said.

I admire your strength and dedication Mitch. Tammy lives on in you and she is a wonderful person. Happy Birthday to you. I hope you find some enjoyment in your day. 62 candles - ?

Good for you Mitch, I know it was a difficult thing to do. I really like how you considered Tammy's feelings and have taken her essence into the new car.

It is wonderful that you are sharing this wonderful news with us. In our sadness filled lives this brightness is a beautiful thing. Hurray for you all with pasta and pictures!

I'm sorry for the struggle of Maui Pasta in Maui. At the same time I am cheering for Maui Pasta in Arizona and for the two of you. All the best for the future.

Sending healing prayers for your sister and father, George. Bless you all. When my father had cataract surgery the biggest problem was for him to do the drops without damaging his eye. His fingers were so stiff and numb feeling he actually poked his eye enough that they had to stitch the incision closed and they said he was very lucky that it didn't get infected. Dad was 84 and my 72 year old mother had just left him. He was heartbroken and didn't know what was going to happen. They did divorce but remarried after about 18 months. The marriage lasted 9 months and she left again, for the last time. Incidentally, he had hernia surgery 3 days before that and was dehydrated and quite confused about what was happening when he called me. He passed in 2003 at 91 years 5 months. I miss him every day. I don't have a relationship with my mother as she is very toxic, she is still alive and is 91 years 4 months old. I'm glad she has lived long enough to experience the same symptoms of old age that she disbelieved my father suffered.