Widowedbysuicide

I am not sure about the 'time' frame. It may take the rest of my life and there will still be a hole in my heart.

I had to sell my horse trailer in the first weeks after Gord's death. Our savings were gone and I needed over $6,000 to pay for his cremation. No service, that would have been more. The first people came and they kept looking for faults with the trailer but there were none it was like new. They offered less money and I refused to accept it. They went for coffee, came back, looked again and then said, "we were thinking about offering x but you want z. Will you take $2000 less than z?" I said no that I could not afford to sell it for that cheap. They started the hardball tactics... Finally I said "my husband died of suicide two weeks ago, I have to sell my trailer not because I want to but because I have to to pay final costs. They offered x plus $500 and I said no. I told them I would rather have to pay MasterCard the interest than to sell it for that price. I thought that I was being fair about the price and I was polite and up front as I had given them the price before they came. I was in tears. I choke up thinking about it. I've only ridden my horse twice since Gord died. The one place I can feel joy is on horseback and I had nothing else of sufficient value to sell. Just when I thought it couldn't get get worse the husband says, "we have driven all the way from (150 miles) and offered you $9,000 and you won't even negotiate with us? Gee, how does that make you feel?". The wife then says, "well you have our number and our offer and you can call us when you are ready to sell". I didn't tell them how I felt. Obviously some people are not very bright. A friend came and took the trailer to sell it for me. That was much less emotional for me. The trailer sold for very close to what I wanted. I accepted less from the purchasers because they didn't try to insult me. It sure makes me suspicious of people's motives.

So sorry for your pain.

I'm sorry that her family hasn't recognised your grief. And you are right about having her love. I hope your great memories will bring you comfort during the difficult times ahead.

Gwen you say the 'happy happy joy joy' holidays I just tolerate now. its an odd feeling. I haven't emotionally crashed, but I feel like I am done. Done with the world. Back to that 'why am I even here anymore' mode. I've been waiting and looking for meaning or purpose for 27 months now and nada. This really feels like slow torture. I really can't think of any other words. Tonight will be another like so many. Alone I wish I could think, wonder what that's like... I know what it's like and I wish neither of us has this knowledge.

Your post has really moved me HisWife. Your honesty and your love are very grounding for me, thank you. I hope for you that this year will improve from last year. ?

I am so very sorry that you lost your dear husband and had to live through the agonies of his last week's. Nothing I can say can take away the pain or make you feel better, I wish I could do that for you. Losing a life partner is not something that we will overcome completely but there are many people here who started one moment at a time that can offer support and guidance. This forum, all the wonderful grief family that I have found here, have made my journey a little less frightening and a little more comforting moment by moment and day by day. While it is not a group that anyone wants to join it has been a life saver for me. Hugs to you Martha Jane. ?

Sending hugs to all who need them ?

The what ifs are torture. When one comes to mind my brain becomes a ferris wheel of craziness. Each time it goes round and round with one what if question, and then just as I'm about to concede that the questions has no answer, the wheel stops then the what if question that is sitting in the uppermost seat starts eating away at me. None of the still seated what ifs get off, the wheel begins to turn and once again my mind is filled with the despair of not finding relief. So what if I quit the ifing? Replace it with I'm so glad I had the life we had together... That would be good. Hang on AB3.

Your last 20 must have been incredible Marg.

I think you are expressing my situation. I'm only at -13 months and this is sure a rocky ride. I still have some hope of a life less brutal than my current one. ? flowers and hugs to you Cookie. If there is anything that can help keep our heads above the water, please toss it with the life ring.

I'm hoping you continue to seek counseling with someone you can feel comfortable with. Take care.

I will add that even fully knowing and experiencing the pain of a spouse's suicide does not prevent those thoughts from catapulting around my brain. In early days I wondered if he expected I would follow. After a few months my thoughts were more about alleviating my own pain. At that time our 29 year old son and I promised each other that we would not suicide. We have very open conversation now and it is much better since he started counseling a month ago. Thoughts are one thing and may continue... the action is the end.

Awesome pictures. She radiates love. Praying for you Butch. Praying for your family.

I'm so pleased it worked out so well for you Finch. We all have to walk in our own shoes and I believe that your steps were well thought out and your path was planned to do no harm. I realise that not everyone or every contact situation will work out as well as yours has. I must really credit you for being so vigilant in checking into all aspects of your plan. While you were able to find some comfort for yourself you did not compromise Crystal's reputation and were able to tell her father that Crystal was a good friend to others including you. I believe you are a gentleman Finch.

I am sorry for your loss and wish that you had all your questions answered. I wish that for everyone who has lost someone they love. The complications of a secret relationship make it difficult to grieve openly and freely as you try to protect either yourself and your family, or his family. I don't know how I would feel in your situation or in his sister's situation but as a wife I know I would be so hurt to know my husband betrayed what was sacred to me. I would also be fearful of how my children would react to finding out that their Dad wasn't really the perfect man they thought he was. I think the risk of confiding in his sister may be more destructive than you imagine. This is not to say that you don't have a reason or right to grieve his loss. You certainly do have that right, and you have the right to get help. A qualified grief therapist would be able to help you work through some of your grief and would be a safe place for you. I don't believe for one minute that your grief is any less than mine is. The pain is indescribable I know and the questions and the wondering about the future eat at you relentlessly. That's why you need to get professional help. You need it for your family too. They may understand some of your grief but they won't understand the depth of it. All of the if onlys and woulda, coulda, shouldas in the world won't change your situation; I am sorry this has happened to you. This forum is filled with great people who are not here to judge anyone. We all just want to learn how to live with our grief and try to help others who are grieving also. It is safer to talk here than to tell any friends. The people who don't understand that you are grieving don't need to know the details of the relationship you had and if they are thinking you should be over it then they aren't really a true friend to you. I wish you the best.

I have a 50 year history with my husband's family. They never were all that welcoming towards me but since Gord died I am non-existant. They barely acknowledge our son. Their loss not ours. Yup, you hit many nails on the head Darrel. Sorry you feel as you do AB. I do understand how much it can hurt.

I started out life as an only. It was lonely even with a house full of other relatives I always felt removed. Having my hubby as a childhood friend really was wonderful. It was a great connection. We were almost like what I imagined siblings to be like. He knew so much about my life as he lived across the street for many years. As we got older, me being slightly older - almost 2 years, I started noticing other boys before he was noticing girls. He was always in my life, either at home across the street or visiting my parents, and he saw the guys come and go as I dated. Being married to him I always felt wanted and safe. Now I'm back to being alone again and I don't feel good at all.

Roses are Red Violets are Blue This life just sucks Living without you! I'm surviving but I'm not living.

I'm not seeing a counselor right now as it was becoming too stressful for me. I was working too hard at dealing with my grief, it was taking a lot of time and driving as I was also doing some mental health programs at the same time. I'm really tired of the stress with appointments but the result is that I don't have anyone to talk to. I've decided to talk to myself here so that I can read this again later and see if I can help myself. Some days I feel so guilty for feeling so incomplete. In the grand scheme of things I know I am very fortunate to have my son with me and to have a home and an income. I have my sorrowful times when I would like to be with my husband rather than here on Earth, and living without his love is so much harder than I thought it would be. Feeling lost and empty are just so normal now. Yet I know I have so much to be thankful for. My brain swirls and curls; thrashing and crashing like the surf on a stormy day. How can I feel so lost and at the same time feel trapped? My heart breaks when I read everyone's sad stories here. I pray for peace and comfort for us all. I love to read about the positives and really celebrate the good things that are posted. This is my new normal life. Actually this forum is really my only life. The outside world continues to push me away with empty promises for the future and harsh comments about getting on with living and forgetting the past. I'm lonely, I ache inside, and I want to run away from this emptiness. Next Friday will be the second birthday my husband would have had. He would have been turning 58. I wonder about what has happened to him since he died... I've passed all the firsts and am starting the seconds.

Thanks KayC. ? Praying for you all Butch.

I feel for you Darrel. I don't have many answers compared to the number of questions I have but I keep trying one moment at a time. It's been just over a year for me and I am not finding life any easier. I have accepted that my husband is never coming back and that my new life isn't what I want. George, you speak the truth. You and several other of my grief family here sure have helped me on my journey and I thank and respect you all.

Good to hear your positive news. There is no need to apologize as we are like a super family here. We care for each other, we want to help each other, and since we truly know how difficult this journey is we can understand better than most how painful our new lives can be. There is no shame in asking for help. It is a courageous person who can recognize that help is needed and then go out and find the right help. So glad for you ?

Thinking of you and hopeful for a healthy outcome.

KarenK that is beautifully said. Thank you for your wisdom.