Widowedbysuicide

I'm sorry you're having a tough time George. It would seem that so much in this world is set to break us. I don't know what people mean when they say that surviving the loss of our true love makes us into better selves. So many days are difficult beyond description and I don't see or feel myself becoming an improved me. Perhaps I am not there yet. My impatience seems to be getting the better of me in several ways. I truly appreciate and look forward to your love story installments. Your life with Rose Anne is so beautifully described.

It would be so much better if we could understand what they are thinking. Good luck Fred.

George I think you and your lovely bride must have been a perfect complement to each other. What wonderful memories. Thanks again for sharing.

Thinking of you Butch. ?

It is so hard to have to fight all the battles alone. Good luck Kay. I hope that things work out to your advantage.

Love it George ?

Loved this installment of your meeting your bride for the first time ? more please George. My father lived with us for a few of his senior years. He was a determined ol' Scotchman so when he was continually up the ladder and on my roof (in his late 80's) I decided to hide the ladder. Asking him to stay on the ground didn't work. I miss him, he was a great Dad. I'm afraid of heights and so any ladder stuff will have to be contracted out now. If you spent an hour outside my house yesterday you would have grown webbed feet or gills!

Cookie thanks for the book recommendation. We are missing the love of our partners and any reassurances from friends so finding anything that helps us find hope is welcome. The simple things in life seem so complicated now that I am alone.

Life sure isn't any easier as I get older. I thought I would be gaining knowledge but it seems that my widow's journey is robbing me of my memory and my ability to learn. Life kinda sucks - yes I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. Life is a vacuum cleaner; a whirlwind filled with all kinds of debris flying around sucking the joy out of me and choking off my air. Please, tell me that you believe that this is just another of those temporary visits in hell.

Thinking of you George and hoping that real flight will be a reality for you soon. I also understand your concern for your family and the month of May. ✈

Mitch, your description of life as it is perfectly describes my thoughts and feelings. I read your posts and they humanize me. In most places I feel like a robot just going through the motions, no emotion, no feeling, just doing. Fortunately, I come here and you give me the mental hug that I so desperately need. I really don't have the mental ability to verbalize how much I value your posts as I'm so far removed from the life that I had that putting my thoughts into words is an impossible task. Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm sad that you are suffering so deeply.

For me into my second year the platitudes are more to the 'being over it'. It's still crushing.

I have no doubt about you making Tammy proud. You are doing everything you can to continue on this journey in a mindful way. The love and your pride in having the perfect bride is very obvious in your writing. I wish Tammy could tell you how proud she is of you and all of your accomplishments. You have been a strong support here for so many of us. I thank you and I wish I had the strength to be a supportive person on here like you have been. Thanks so very much Mitch. For myself I too am feeling what you have described in the above post. I have felt it before but today I just can't seem to shake it. Today I took an Ativan to try to numb the hurt but it isn't working. I've spent so much time and effort trying to move through the grief and I'm tired. I know that I can't quit but I really want to. Feeling like there is no one who cares about what I do or don't do is slamming me into the dirt. I'm at 15 months and I'm so full of despair. I want to help myself but I know that I can't do 'this time' alone. I'm afraid to look for help because I don't think there is anyone who gives a damn.

Patty I can not imagine how difficult this is for you. Like many others here I will hold you in my thoughts and pray for a peaceful and correct resolution to the issues with your landlord.

Welcome Maynard and Adele. I wish there was no need for places like this. I lost my husband after having been friends nearly 50 years and married for 36. Everyday brings loneliness and pain but I'm getting better at managing it. This is the best place to be during the worst time in your life. People here do understand and do care.

Thanks Gin ?. I think you honour Al everytime you post on here. Your relationship with him was very deep and it is clear in your writing. I could send you some virtual horse poo for you to garden with. Take care, my thoughts are with you.

Gin, I think I know how you feel. The things Gord and I enjoyed together just don't hold the same joy for me anymore. Some things just make me feel more lost and more lonely. It's difficult because the horses are a big part of what we did together and I can not give up my mare. It hurts to be with the animals without him but I think it would hurt so much more to be missing him and not have her. Gord made so many of my dreams come true. I wanted a horse for so long and when I turned 46 he made that dream come true. We had four horses for a time; a very busy summer it was. We would trail ride together and we had a couple of carriages that we drove as well. We helped move cattle with them and just really enjoyed the barn life. I can hug my horse and cry with her, talk about Gord and our dreams and she returns some of the warmth that I so desperately miss. Animals do not judge. I know the life style is a lot of work and I am not getting any younger but for now this is one way I can honour my husband and keep some of our dreams alive. I'm hoping you will find some comfort in your life Gin. ?

Dearest Butch I am holding your family in my heart and praying for some comfort for each of you. Also, please be kind to yourself. You are a great person and you have given so much good to so very many people. You deserve the best ?. Hugs and prayers to you.

So sorry you had such a rough night Ana. I've had a few of those and have thought the same things you are. When we have no one to call it really puts the emptiness in our faces (hearts ?). My heart breaks when I think of all I lost when he died. I will think of you and hope that commenting on here helps you through your pain. ?

Cookie I am very sorry to read about your lovely Ranger. I know too well how difficult it is to deal with more loss on top of the loss of a deeply loved husband. Within days of my husband's death our family cat died. I was stunned at first but then it really slapped me in the face. In the past 15 months we have lost two more cats, one horse who I had to have euthanized, and another horse who passed in his sleep. Each of those deaths on their own have been bad enough but with so many in such a short time frame grief seems to be exponentially devastating. I'm sorry that I cannot soften what will be a very sad time for you. I can tell you that I regret not taking more pictures of my fur family when they were here. The few pictures and wonderful memories of each of them is all that I have of them, as with my human family, that is not enough. My personal thought is that my family, (finned, feathered, furred and human) is together in some place that is so great that they are happy to stay there. When my time comes they will welcome me and that is the life I'm so looking forward to. While I am here I want to live the best I can in their honour, using the infinite number of things they taught me, and giving my gift of love to many more animals. Thinking of you Gord. Hug Katie, Sir Galahad, barn kitty, Dakota, and Vex for me. And tell all the others that left before you that I want them hugged too.

I agree with you Ana, as I too miss the innocence.

Sending you and your family my love and prayers Butch. Wishing you better days to come.

I feel very fortunate to have been friends then married to my husband. Having him in my life all those years he was always good to me and for me. Adjusting to him being gone isn't easy, the fact that he suicided makes it harder. He has my heart ? forever. Reading your stories Gin, Kay, and Marg gave me greater understanding of each of you. Also, I smiled and shed tears for each of you. ?

I'm wishing you all the best in your life Patty. You too Steve! This here Canuck says, 'kick their asses'.

So sorry Gin ?