Brad

I still have that feeling that somehow I got stuck in a time warp and am living someone else's life. At times it still feels so impossible that this is my life and my future and no matter how aggressively I try to move forward I am still stuck being someplace I do not want to be; simply going through meanningless motions.

Hello BeachJo - Welcome to our group and know that I am so very sorry you have reason to be here. I'm approaching nineteen months since my wife died and while most days are okay I still have those times. Yesterday I was cleaning out a cupboard, getting rid of things I know I'll never use and I found a large box that contained every card I had given Deedo over our thirty-seven years together, along with other trinkets of value to her. Needless to say I've been a mess since then. Some day I'll smile at those but not yet. I still make certain I have kleenex within arms reach at all times. Again BeachJo welcome to our group and I hope you find the support and comfort that I have found. (((((HUGS)))) Brad

Gin - That is one of the things I hate about what we are going through. Some days are okay. I am able to stay distracted for the most part and when I'm not I'm feeling like I'm starting to accept what is going on. Yesterday I was making arrangements for upcoming travels. I have to admit I was getting excited looking at my plans, I was very distracted. Today I continued to work on bookings but today I'm just down. I don't know why. Maybe it's related to sleep although I thought I slept better than the night before. I just know that it is cloudy both outside and in. Just gray. Tomorrow I may be better or not. It's consistancy that I wish for; among many other things like finding joy again. Hugs my friend.

There is Broken Heart Syndrome where extreme grief can actually damage the heart muscle. It is rare that people actually die from a broken heart but the syndrome is cross cultural and records of broken heart syndrome dates back over 3,000 years. Grief not only can effect the heart but the immune system as well. This explains why my Crohn's has been more active since Crohn's is an autoimmune disease.

Cookie - I understand the questions. I also do not have the answers. It was pretty apparent when Deedo was diagnosed that the odds were not in her favor. However, throughout the three years since her diagnosis people feel the need to share with me how their aunt's second cousin has a neighbor with cancer and was treated with bee venom and wheat grass and is training for a triathlon. And yet I personally know far more people who have died from cancer than have survived it. By the time Deedo was diagnosed she had Lung cancer stage 3B. Five year survival was less than 5%. I have to believe that the medical team gave her their best and in this case the cancer had just spread too far. I understand how debilitating your sister's response was. In my humble opinion you have done nothing wrong. You simply are trying to make sense of something that hurts so badly. People who have not suffered a loss like ours just cannot begin to understand. They just want things to be okay for themselves.

Darrel- Something else to consider is that we are all at different stages in our grief and we all don't grieve the same. Last summer I was feeling somewhat as you are now. I was trying to find anything to be grateful for; I was trying to find positives in my daily life because the pain of grief was so all-encompassing. When I posted that here I felt attacked by some members. In response I withdrew. When people post sometimes I feel like they are putting my emotions into prose. Other times I struggle to relate at all. Some times I HAVE to respond; other times I simply can't find words. Regarding hijacking a post - it happens. It's not intentional and not intended to hurt it just happens. Sometimes writing the mundane gives us a respite from the focus on what is.

It is that unconditional requited love that brings us so much pain. I am hoping that with time the hurt will also bring with it warmth in knowing that we loved and we were loved; unconditionally.

My Dear Marty, Wishing you a wonderful day. Thank you for your compassion, kindness, acceptance and love. Brad

Janka - Just thought you'd enjoy this. Alma Deutscher is the ten-year-old playing a violin concerto she composed at nine. Her first short opera was composed at five and last December her first full length opera "Cinderella" was performed in Vienna to rave reviews. Hope you are well. Miss your compassionate posts.

Kevin- I'm glad. It is for me as well. I don't find myself in tears as frequently. Still trying to find distractors to fill time and thoughts. Taking a series of online lectures dealing with myriad subjects from history of religion to mental math. Also filling time with travels and activities: concerts, plays, ballet. Trouble is there's always an empty house.

I had no choice. I fell (oops) hopelessly in love with Deedo long before she did with me. I knew from our first conversation that she was the one I would marry. I loved her as she loved me inspite of the dents and scratches, the knocks and pings. Given that I was blessed with thirty-seven wondrous and glorious years with her I will gladly accept the few I have left without her. I only wish that stupid meteor had done its job.

We have limited options here in Pinetop so when I have company or wish to dine with someone other than myself I take them to Darbi's. This was our favorite restaurant. It hurts not having Deedo there with me but the copious hugs from the waitstaff does help; one advantage of small town living.

Deedo was the master at bargaining with car dealerships. Me? I take the first offer. Deedo continually starts to walk out until they acquiesce to her first and lowest bid.

We were quite fortunate. In Arizona there is a company called Science Care. Science Care takes bodies and harvests organs and tissues to be used in research. Deedo and I both signed up with them several years ago. When Deedo died they came and transported the body, handled all of the Death Certificate details. Deedo's Celebration of Life was ten days later. On the Thursday before I received notice that her cremains were to be delivered the following day so they were there for her celebration. There were no fees for the cremation nor the Death Certificate processing. Deedo had also worked many years ago for the company that owned the venue we had her celebration at and they waived all charges so the only expense was the catering and that was done by some neighbors who own a restaurant and they only charged us what it cost them. So the expenses for Deedo's celebration were minimal. But then that's the way I believe it should be. I have always thought it criminal how people in the business take advantage of people facing the worst times of their life.

I also try to focus on moving forward but don't know where to, just trying to do something different. And those eyes do keep on leaking down my face, at least now I can talk to others for the most part without causing them discomfort. Every now and then the pain will get too overwhelming but nothing like it was six months ago, a year ago, eighteen months ago. I guess this is what I can consider progress.

For me it's been 556 days since Deedo died; seventy-eight weeks and four days; eighteen months and six days. But then who's counting?

Lynne - I am so sorry for everything you are going through. Your loss is so raw and so fresh. I too lost my love to lung cancer just barely over eighteen months ago. I also went through a long period of not being able to eat or sleep, my sleep still isn't what it was before my Deedo died. I haven't had a nap since July 23, 2015. That was the last day my wife was home. The next day I took her to the ED with seven blood clots in her lungs, they kept her until July 28th and then we took to hospice. She died sixteen hours after we got her situated in hospice. If you haven't already may I suggest you find a good grief counselor. For me it was the best step I made. It is so hard facing each day without the one who made us complete. Welcome to the forum and know that we are here to help you as you begin to deal with your grief. Brad

I did the same thing. My plan was to retire no earlier than 67 as I loved what I did. On February 9, 2015 I went to school with those plans. At lunch time I went into the principal's office and told him I would finish the day and not be back. I got home and by six o'clock we were moving to the Valley. It was appartent that Deedo could no longer handle the 7,000 foot elevation. It was also apparent that inspite of all of her treatment the cancer was getting the upper hand. What's the saying?: If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.

I believe thoughts of suicide are common in those of us who find ourselves so consumed with grief. I've spent much time over the past eighteen months ideating on suicide. Slowly as time has passed the thoughts have evolved from a permanent solution to a situation I did not/do not want to be in to now an anticipatory solution to the possibility of finding myself incapacitated. My greatest fear now that I am alone is finding myself in a situation where I am dependent on strangers. I'd be surprised if I were the only one who considers suicide as a potential solution. After my first bowel obstruction I had it all planned out. I was determined to kill myself rather than go through that kind of pain again. Twenty some obstructions later I now know it's just part of the disease. The same thing happened after my first bowel rupture but when that happened a second time I once more fought through. Darrel you are in good company and have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Me too...Some many times each and every day I long to share a story, a glance, a smile, a touch, a kiss, and the best I can do is look oh so longingly at her picture. We have a grandson. My daughter found out she was pregnant the same day Deedo was told she had lung cancer. He's now twenty-five months and two weeks. She would have gotten such a kick out of him, he's at that stage where personality is really beginning to blossom. So many stories I try to relate to her but it isn't the same without her giggle.

I am now at eighteen months and two days and reflecting back on the past year and a half I need to admit that, for me, the second year is not as devastating as the first. Those constant moments when I was reduced to nothing more than blubbering, sobbing, unable to function, while still just under the outermost layer of epidermal, are now spotty. A general melancholy has replaced the constant tears. Today I visited some of the angels Deedo and I came to know as we travelled through her last chapter. There were many triggers as I went to the Hope Lodge and talked with many of the staff. While my voice squeaked frequently I was able to communicate in a mostly coherent manner. I couldn't do that last Fall when I was last there. After that I went an met with Cathy at the American Cancer Society. What an amazing woman she is. Once more the triggers were all around me but once more I could talk and at times laugh. Last time I saw her all I could do was hug her and sob on her shoulder. So things are better. I still have miles to go before I will be able to greet the day with anything resembling hope or peace but at least on most days I canmanage somehow to move through the day. As Darell always reminds us: "One foot in front of the other." On a side note I've just been reading about a group of scientists who are exploring the idea that our universe may just be a rather complex 3D hologram and that reality then may just be an illusion. If that's the case, I want to know how I can change this illusion I am in back into the illusion I knew three years ago when life was indeed a gift to be treasured rather than a challenge to be endured.

AB- Check with the local hospices in your area. Here in the Phoenix area Hospice of the Valley offers individual grief counseling as well as grief support groups at no cost. They are trained professionals and it is a wonderful service they provide. Up here in the White Mountains there is a support group offered by the local hospice. It is run by a clergyman and was not a good fit for me; his approach was to lecture rather than allow the group to talk about their grief, also focused on faith being a cure-all to grief; not close to my beliefs. Regarding medications: don't feel pressured to take antidepressants if you don't feel you need them. There is grief and grief can not be treated by antidepressants. I was put on antidepressants not so much for the grief but due to the fact I was sleeping less than four hours a night and had lost over twenty pounds in the first eight weeks.

I don't have problems with the in laws, Deedo's mom, dad and brother all preceded her in death. Her mom had one brother, soon to be 95, I have been in continuous contact with him and his daughters. They reach out frequently. On the other hand I have five sisters. It was eighteen months ago today that Deedo died. Two of my sisters came to her Celebration of Life; a third one sent an email. The other two have yet to acknowledge Deedo's death in any form or manner. Since the Celebration of Life I have only heard from my oldest sister; her husband died nearly thirteen years ago so she knows what I'm going through and Deedo was the only one to reach out to her after her husband died. This comes as no surprise. We have not been close as adults. When my mom died five years ago, as we got on the plane, I mentioned to Deedo that there was a good chance that the funeral would be the last time I saw my sisters. She was bound and determined not to let that happen and tried desperately to build relationships. I'd think it was me but the girls can't be bothered to talk to each other. Deedo's family had lots of issues but they were very close. My family simply buried our issues and moved away.

Marg - you're talking about my backyard. Love the catwalk.

Autumn, Among the things I've learned about grief is that it is complex and each of us grieve in our own unique way. For you it had only been eight weeks and chances are you are still in significant shock. I found that my emotions a constantly churning just under the surface. One thing I found that helped me (keep in mind it helped me but not others here) is I would start my days with reading the letters my wife left behind, looking at pictures of happier times, watching videos; all things that would bring on the waterworks. I found, for myself, that having that morning ritual would make the remainder of the day a little bit easier, that's not to say that was the only time during the day that I would break down but I did feel it helped. At night time, just before bed I would write in my gratitude journal things that I was grateful for. So I would start my day with sadness and heartache and end the day focusing on gratitude. The gratitude journal was, at times, difficult but it did help me understand that I did/do have positives in my daily existence. This helped me. Again grief is hard work. You will find what works for you but don't worry if it takes time. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to grieve in your own way at your own pace.