DaveM

A love of music was something we shared, although both of us were told most of our lives we couldn't sing. Dana had good pitch but so-so timbre (according to her), while I suffered with deficiencies in both pitch and timbre. We sang along together to almost everything we heard on the radio, generally oldies. EVERY subject, every discussion at some point reminded one or both of us of a song. And we would sing it out when it came to mind, no matter what was going on before. I have not been able to stand having the radio on for nearly seven weeks now, that's how long it has been since she was found. I cried in WalMart the other night when "House at Pooh Corner" by Kenny Loggins came on. That was the last song we sang together from the radio the last time I was with her. Earlier tonight the song 'I Remember You' came to mind. It was written in the 1940's by Johnny Mercer for a movie. Many, many artists recorded it through the years, including Tony Bennett, Sarah Vaughn and Nat King Cole. I actually remember a country-style version most from my childhood, by Frank Ifield. More recently it was recorded by Diana Krall, a very nice version. I am putting it here because of the last verse - When my life is through, and the angels ask me to recall the thrill of them all. Then I shall tell them I remember you. I Remember You by Johnny Mercer I remember you You're the one who made my dreams come true A few kisses ago I remember you You're the one who said I love you, too, I do Didn't you know? I remember too a distant bell And stars that fell like rain out of the blue When my life is through And the angels ask me to recall the thrill of them all Then I shall tell them I remember you

Darrel, I sort of post in fits. A bunch at one time, then days of just reading. I simply don't have the energy sometimes to respond, but I visit every day. Your posts are well thought-out, and capture what many or most of us feel. That being said, I am the world's worse at chasing "squirrel!" Not just here, but in other places I post. It is certainly not a shortcoming in the writing, but more a short in my own circuits. I had about 9 months with my love 33 years ago, then 7 1/2 months this time around, and now she's gone. I am lost. I cannot focus long on anything. But maybe I can focus on one thing... placing 'One foot in front of the other....' Stick around, brother, you make a difference.

Marty, Thanks for everything. Happy Birthday.

Thank you, Kay. I cannot tell you how that helps, but it really does.

After my son's death in 1999 I counted the days, weeks and months for at least 3 years. Now I am starting over again. Second month, 6th week since she was found. Days are problematic, because she was not found until after she had been gone several days. She was found December 28, but died some time on the 17th or soon after. Death certificate will list Dec 28, from what I am told, so I have to work with that. 28 October was my son's death so now I have number to dread every month. And Kevin, a shell is what I am now, too.

Marita, My Dana also was an only child, and from two only children. She was raised to be independent, and it stuck with her all her life. When we were a couple 33 years ago, the 'only' business did not register with me in any meaningful way, but when we reconnected last May, I realized how alone she had been much of her life. That did not bother her. She often made trips alone, dined out alone, etc., without a care. Being reminded of this after we re-joined was an eye-opener. No first cousins, no uncles and aunts. She did have grandmother on her Mom's side and both grandparents on her Dad's, but I had 4 brothers and sisters, and numerous first cousins. Her ex was not really family-oriented, met obligations rather than enjoying his family. She loved his family, though, and took care of birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc. But when they divorced, his family shut her out, all save his mother, who still appreciated Dana. I was looking forward to bringing her into mine. Because of our distance, she only had met my younger sister & her husband. She loved them and they were enchanted by her. Unfortunately, that lone wolf mentality meant she intended to deal with Thanksgiving and Christmas on her own in Texas. Was going to be her first set of holidays not cooking. First set of holidays not being with her 2 sons (20 & 24). I asked if she would come to NC, but she felt she had to deal with it by herself. That independence again. Although we had talked every day for 6 months, she wanted time alone to process and deal with the holidays. We decided she would call when she needed to talk. The last time we talked was December 16, from 10pm until after midnight. The following week I sent a few texts, and broke down and called 3-4 times. No response, but we had already had a 7-day and an 8-day stretch between calls. So I let her be. She died in her sleep some time between December 17 and December 28 when she was found by the police. A local friend noticed holiday packages piling up at her door, and called the police to check on her on the 28th. Ours was the last call made or answered on her phone. I so much wish I had been with her. She should not have had to die alone. She had several health issues, including asthma and had pneumonia in November. She was also on a liquid diet due to injuries from an accident back last summer. On the 16th she told me she was feeling better, and was able to get some solid food down. We were planning for me to eventually sell here in NC and to move to TX, but that was months off. Now I have no goals, no plans, no future. On top of all this, I was just a 'boyfriend' as far as society and the law is concerned. Her ex and sons have her ashes, now in Connecticut, and I have nothing. I asked for a small portion of her ashes, a cup or handful, shoot, even a thimble-full, but no luck. They haven't been unkind, but I'm just collateral damage to them. But I know this. SHE LOVED ME. And I loved her, both for the bright, articulate girl she was 33 and 34 years ago, and for the witty, brilliant woman she was today. She told me over the past 7 months she had never felt as loved in her whole life as she felt from me, so at least I have that. Sorry for the long post. Dave

Finch, Thank you so much for bringing this up. It struck me that all my email correspondence with Dana was via gmail. I don't have it set up as a client from which I could save it to my hard drive, and any failure in gmail could lose these precious memories forever. I tried a couple of utilities to download them, but have not had much luck. So I am forwarding them to my Outlook account where I can pull them directly into the hard drive. I had originally communicated with her through the gmail, because it was easy to use from my phone, so I could hear from her during the workday, if she wrote. Anytime she left voice mail it was always a ":Hi, it's me. Call when you get a chance." And I never kept them. Big mistake, because now I do not have her voice anywhere. The emails are therefore even more important. So thanks again for reminding us that we need to take care of this. Dave

Hi Darrel, I considered my Sweetheart as living in south Texas, although she never agreed. She lived in Navasota, while I am still in NC. We both had complications from our individual divorces (no cohabitation on her side, continuing fight over property, alimony amounts, etc., in mine) that made it impossible to be fully together yet. When I visited I found the local folks easy to make friends with, so I wish you luck in that area. I lost my sense of smell about 12 years ago, but remember her favorite fragrance from 33 years ago. Wish I could smell that now. What I do have are a box of clothes I shipped down there for my trips to see her, so that I didn't have to check a bag. Her best friend shipped the clothes back to me a week or so ago. I have some of them set aside to grab and hold to my chest, knowing she handled them at various times. When I hold them close, I close my eyes and remember how she would hug me, and rub her cheek fiercely against my beard. I never had a beard in all my 66 years until my first visit with her last year. I apologized for having a scratchy face one morning and she said, "Oh no, I actually wish you had a beard. I always loved them but my ex would never grow one. Nor would any boyfriend from before I got married." Well, I haven't shaved since. Am keeping it trimmed, but I will keep the beard for her. You are also right about not being able to replace what was perfect for you. I should never have let her go 33 years ago when we were first a couple. I was stupid, though, and thought I needed to further a career off in another state. And that particular career ended up being over 20 years ago. So poor, stupid me. I've now lost her twice, this time for good. I wish you good memories and a continued good sense of smell. Dave

Finch, it is likely still there, even if deleted. Most delete processes don't actually erase anything, they just make the space now available for new files to overwrite the space. If you haven't saved anything else to the phone, somebody should be able to recover it for you. Google under message recovery or file recovery. I'll bet you can find someone who can help. DaveM

SCBA, thanks for posting the articles, especially the "everything doesn't happen for a reason." If I hear that again I am going to scream. When my son died, my now ex-wife said many times, "God plucked our little flower from his garden." I know she was trying to find her own comfort, but it made me absolutely sick every time I heard her say it. Someone told me not a week after Dana died that I would "find somebody else." If she had been a man, I might've punched her in the face. We are not throwaways, and neither was the one we love. AB, please know we are here with you.

By the way, my Dana explored all religions all her life, and had a mixture of beliefs. She felt that she and I had met before, but didn't quite get together. We got together this time, but only too briefly. So I will also echo your 'Maybe Next Time' and hope there is an eventual future for us.

AB3, I believe each person that worked or sought their way here knows how much it hurts, because they are or have been in the same boat. I am sure no one here will think you are rude if you push back at the "encouragement." My lady and I had discussed but not decided on another marriage at our age, but we knew we wanted to be together this time for good. I will echo your pain, sadness and much guilt, for I was 1,200 miles away from her, and had not yet figured out the best way to move from North Carolina to Texas to be with her. So she died alone, just before Christmas, but was not found until the 28th of December. And now I am dying every day. She was relatively new to the area, having moved there to be close to her best friend after her divorce a couple of years ago. Her ex-husband and sons live in the Northeast. They will not be having a service in Texas, and have yet to do anything for her where they live. I placed an obituary in the newspaper here, because she lived here 8 years and people knew her. This is killing me as well. We reconnected last May after 32 years apart. I should have pursued her then, but let her slip away. She and I both married others, and had children. But both marriages were mistakes and we both divorced in 2015. So I already had guilt over that. I knew she had health issues, but thought we would work our way through them together. Please do not think yourself a burden here. I am as new as you, but somehow, knowing that there are folks here who really know my pain eases my own burden. Dave

Wednesday. December 28. Day she was found, although she died days earlier. 28th October was when my younger son passed, 17 years ago. 28 is always going to be a bad number for me.

You know, being 7 years older, and at least at present, a cancer survivor, I assumed from the start that I would go first. Besides, I am 66. My older brother died at 66, my Dad at 65, Grandad at 63 and Great-Grandad at 64, so I figured every day is potentially my last. For her to go at 59 is unthinkable. We did have some spiritual discussions, and I feel her nearby at times, but I can barely function. I don't want her to know how much I hurt, but I do want her to know how much I love and miss her.

Dates do affect us and the recurrence of the date is crippling in some cases. My younger son Eric died October 28, 1999. I am worthless the whole week around that date, and have been so for 17 years. December 28 was the day I was told Dana had died. So now the 28th has become a date to dread every month. I am fortunate to have two very empathetic sisters, who have always remembered Eric around that time. They have always helped me through. Only my younger Sis had met Dana, though, so they won't have memories to share.

Hi AB3, Yes it is a cold, dark world now. I am sorry for what you are going through, as that is where I am right now. My intended was torn away from me last month, and I still check my phone as soon as I get up, and throughout the day, almost expecting a message. Won't be there, though I can't help looking.

I already knew my boss at work had no empathy, from expectations she expressed of a contractor who took time off for an operation on her baby. But a few days after I told her about my Dana, she saw me walking into the building, took one look at my face and said, "What's your problem?" I am sure I looked dumbfounded and said "what do you think?" She responded, "Oh, you're still grieving." Now every day she asks "You okay?" but it is just a phrase to her, not interest in my or anyone else's well-being.. She just wants to figure out how soon I will be productive again. I'm not sure I can be.

Thank you Darrel, Somehow it does help. You are right about the inability of those who haven't walked this path to 'get it.' Not that any of us would wish this pain on others. But having someone speak to you who knows that suffering intimately and to have them share the burden for a while helps somehow. Dave

Thanks to you all. The pain is relentless and unbelievable. I don't know why sharing it helps, but it does somehow, even when constantly wiping my eyes to type. I was fortunate last night to have some friends from all the way back to Junior High come together and have me over. It was a sort of memorial service without structure. I sat at the kitchen table, and here and there old friends stopped by for hugs and tears. Many of them have health issues that come with this age, but all were there for me. None had met Dana, because we had not had time to take her around. But I had written a small bio and took what few pictures I have of her, and all met her through me. I was exhausted when I got home, but slept well for the first time since she passed. When I get a little better, I hope to give some comfort here as well. Thank you so much.

Thanks Marie, The death certificate will show December 28, the day she was found, as that is the way they handle the unknown in Texas. At least that what the folks down there tell me. But she could have been gone 11 or 12 days. You are absolutely right, the idea of the last moments haunts me. The investigating officer says she did not display any signs of distress or clinched hands, so he feels she went peacefully. Some small comfort there. Thanks again.

Hello, I just joined. I have been reading here for a little over a week. My dear one is gone, and I am barely functioning. According to her phone, ours was the last call that went through late Friday, December 16. Because ours was a long distance romance for now, we were dealing with Christmas alone. She was in Texas, a ways north of Houston, and I am in eastern North Carolina. I am 66 and Dana was 59. We had a romance 33 years ago, in 1983 and 1984, and for some stupid reason I took a job a state away. She started her Master's program about the same time, so we focused on what we were doing, rather than what we were together. We gradually quit visiting back and forth, and then quit writing. Long Distance was a considerable cost back then, so regular phone calls were not an option. We both went on to meet and marry another, and we both had two boys. Somehow we briefly reconnected in the fall of 1999, exchanging emails for about a week, long enough to get through a few "Do you remember..." questions, and long enough for me to learn her new last name. Then I lost my youngest, my 10-year-old son. I withdrew from life for ages. We obviously lost touch again. My marriage became a relationship of shared grief, but little else. We may as well have been siblings anymore. We separated in 2013 and went through a terribly nasty divorce fight in 2014-2015. Dana's situation was similar. She spent years fighting through childhood cancer in her older son. Fortunately he survived, but her marriage did not. She also went through a divorce through 2014-2015. When it was over she moved from the Northeast to Texas, to be near her life-long best friend. In May 2016 I stopped in a sandwich shop on the way home from work, and the young lady who waited on me reminded me of Dana. I decided to look her up, and see how she was doing. We connected through Linked In, started exchanging emails first, then phone calls, and finally a visit in June. Everything was new again, and we were in love all over again. It was amazingly perfect. Except we both had lingering complications from our divorces to be worked through. So we were going to have to deal with long distance again. But now we could and did talk every day. Although I visited her the first week of November for her birthday, Thanksgiving was very hard on her. The first holiday like that without being with her children. As Christmas approached, she was facing the same. The boys were too far away, and in their early 20's too caught up in their own lives to come to Texas. Just a fact. We young males are clueless until we approach 30. I asked her to come to NC for Christmas, but she told me she needed to face this on her own and privately, and I agreed to let her initiate the phone calls in December. She called on the first, 8th and 16th. All were good calls, but she was still very depressed and still wanted her time to herself. Our call on the 16th lasted 2 and a half hours. The week of the 20th I broke and called most every day. Texted several times, with no response. Sent a message on Christmas Eve that she was in my heart, to be strong. During that week a local friend went by the house on the 22nd, and noticed a package on the front porch from me, delivered that day. She put it up on a bench, along with a package she picked up, and went on her way. She came back on the 28th and the packages were still there, so she called the police and had them break in. They found Dana. Apparently she went to sleep and never awoke. But it had been so long they could not estimate the actual day of her death. It could have been any time after our call of the 16th, as that was the last call that was placed on her phone. Her friend called me as soon as she could. I have been lost since.