DaveM

Gwen, I was preparing this week last year to go to Texas for Dana's birthday November 8. This week had been bad for 17 years previously, because it was the anniversary of my 10-year-old's death. With Dana last year I had hope for the first time in almost 20 years. And Halloween, she loved it so much. Always sewed costumes for her whole family. In her memorial service that's one of the things both her boys referred to,. So I am remembering the lady pirate outfit she wore last year. When I got there the 4th of November, she had to put it on to show me. She had started a pirate outfit for me, too, but it turned out I could not go there as early as I wanted. There was a frilly shirt with blossoming sleeves, and knee-length britches, and a bandanna for me. I had already grown out my beard for her, and now I smile and cry and smile and cry at the memories. My son had loved Halloween, too, as his birthday was October 30, and the seasonal decorating and planning always included plans around his day, too. I'm so sorry this time is so hard for you. Please remember you are in our thoughts and hearts.

Tom, the old song that hits me hard is one by The Seekers, I Know I'll Never Find Another You. You're right in that EVERYTHING triggers memories. And sadness. I heard the song in the car this afternoon. From the song: There is always someone For each of us, they say And you'll be my someone Forever and a day I could search the whole world over Until my life is through But I know I'll never find another you. I loved her over 30 years ago, and lost her. I found her again last year, and lost her again. Dana, I'll never find another you.

Butch, thinking of you and praying for your family as well.

Tony, Thanks for posting to this older thread. I am relatively new (10 months), so had not looked back that far. I have my Dana's ashes now, given to me by her sons and ex-husband so that I can take them to the Pacific Ocean as soon as I can. She said over 30 years ago when I first knew her, and then last year when we reconnected that she wanted her ashes returned to the Pacific. I planned to take them this past August, but had some financial woes and had to postpone it. I have a locket with a lock of her hair that I keep near me always. I will save a small amount of her ashes to do the same with, when the time comes and I make the trip out west. The lockets will go with me to my final resting place. I may donate my body to science with the same arrangement as described in this thread, and if so, will ask my sister to hold her hair and ashes until mine are returned. I have a family burial plot already, beside the son I lost 18 years ago, so her small portion can rest there until I join her, after they are through with my remains. It may seem morbid, but I am already speaking with the monument folks concerning how I want things to be. I have the jewelry I gave her as well in the same drawer I put my keys and wallet. There is a comfort in touching it when I leave in the morning, and when I return at night.

So Alone, My love was long distance as well. She was in Texas, and I am in North Carolina. We were planning a future, but both had remaining complications from our respective divorces, so our plans had to be for 3 years down the pike. She also died suddenly. There were health issues, but I thought they were things we would deal with. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, this grief is devastating, paralyzing and unforgiving. I have to say the folks here are life-savers. Nothing can take away the pain, but we all KNOW like no one else can, in most of our experience. I do not contribute a lot, but I come here every day.

Kevin, heavy short-term loss for me as well. It's a good thing the doc and dentist call to remind me that I have appointments. I gave up a dentist last year because his office wouldn't bother with reminders. So they can't bother with me, then. Lists, lists, lists. I am in the process of moving right now, so have a running grocery list, a list of what's next in the move, and a to-do list. Shoot, I have to keep a 'pay this bill on this day' list as well.

Tom, I found Dana again after 33 years of being apart, each marrying the wrong person, but each also having 2 sons. Each of us divorced by our spouses because we were no longer what they wanted. Although we were separated by 1200 miles, I was working to disengage from North Carolina, and planning to move to Texas. Then she suddenly died last December. I see older, still-in-love older couples all the time, and although happy for them, am so sad we didn't get to be this way.

Butch, My heart aches for what you and your family are going through. I am so sorry. Dave

Kay, I did not realize this, and am so sorry you have this to relive, again and again. I have to believe that because they knew our hearts then, they know them now. I had planned to come to Oregon this past week and have a sort of private memorial on the coast as the totality shadow came ashore. But due to sudden and unforeseen financial hits, I had to cancel. I was feeling enormous guilt. Then yesterday, this happened: Last year I was waited on by a young lady at a Baldino's restaurant who reminded me of Dana. That is what led me to find her. I went back to the restaurant several times to tell the girl but she was never there again. At work they have different restaurants come in and make lunch available every day. And during the summer, they usually have an ice cream place come in at the same time on Fridays. I carry my lunch much of the time, so don't even go down, but yesterday I didn't. Went down to get lunch, and decided to get a scoop, too. Well, who was serving ice cream but the girl from Baldino's! I was flabbergasted! I was sure it was her, and asked. Said she worked there a only couple of weeks last year in the spring. All I can say is Wow. I didn't give her a long story, but told her that when I saw her last year, it inspired me to reach out to my long ago lost love, and we reconnected. She seemed genuinely pleased. I didn't have the heart to tell her the sad part. If Dana ever had a daughter, she could have looked like this girl. The same smile that lights the eyes. Maybe a sign that I am forgiven for missing the trip I should have taken last week. I can hope. You loved George and he loved you. He knew it, and he knows you didn't desert him, I'm sure of that. Dave

Mary Beth, This seems to be a recurring theme for many of us here. Loss on top of loss. Please know I and others here ache for you, and that our collective shoulders are broad. Lean on us if you can. It is wonderful that you loved Ms Lillian, a blessed thing that you helped care for her, and I have to believe like you in their reunited spirits. My Dana and I often discussed our mothers, and had a good feel for each other's Moms, even though we never met. Dana was a writer, and incorporated many of the things I told her about my Mom in some of her work. And you know, I told her some of these things when we were together 33 and 34 years ago. I often think of them together now. I'll even bet the two of them are poking fun at me from time to time. John's Mom has to be telling him what a wonderful girl he married. Dave

Today, August 21, 2017, I drove to an area just north of St Matthews, South Carolina, in order to be as close as possible to the center point of totality for the Eclipse of 2017. If Dana were still here, we would have instead been in Salem, Oregon, and would have traveled to a place north of Depoe Bay to watch the eclipse come ashore from the Pacific Ocean. We had reconnected with an old friend from Salem last September, and would have been visiting this week with our friend from 34 years ago. The eclipse was to be icing on the cake. In March I decided to make the trip anyway, and to take some mementos and toss them into the Pacific. I also was going to release a lock of her hair in the Pacific. Recently her sons released some of her ashes to me, and I was going to take them out there and spread them during the eclipse. Unfortunately a series of family emergencies, health issues for my son and a monstrous financial burden occurred, and I had to postpone my trip. So today I had to settle for a "local" viewing instead (4 hours' drive). I am deeply saddened that I could not do this for her, for this specific event, but I hope and feel she would understand. I thought about her constantly during the drive to and from it. I will reschedule the trip to the Pacific as soon as I am able. I promised her over a year ago that if she should go before me, I would get her ashes to the Pacific. The ashes went to her sons, as next-of-kin, but they were very gracious in sending some to me. Dana grew up a surfer girl in Southern California, and her heart was always tied to the Pacific Ocean. Oregon would have become special for the two of us. So I will still get there, when I can.

Tom, If only I could have been with her long enough to have a wedding ring. I would be wearing it now. What yours tells me is that you loved deeply and you still consider yourself married. You will either change that consideration one day, or you won't. If you don't, so be it. The world's opinion doesn't really matter in this case, does it. As far as the turtle pendant, I love that thought. Turtles and tortoises were significant for Dana as well. When she came to visit me in June a year ago, i had gotten her a turtle ring, and gave it to her when we got out to the car at the airport. I held it out of sight, got down on one knee (and I could see the "Oh no, what is this?" wheels turning through her eyes), and in my most sincere voice I said, "Dana, I know we've only been back together in person for 10 minutes, but I have something very important to ask you..." (She's almost weaving to and fro at this point). "Dana, will you wear this ring? From me? And held it out. She looked startled for a moment, then lit up with a smile like a thousand candles. She had this hooting laugh that always delighted me 34-35 years ago, and she let loose with it! "Yes," she said, "a thousand times yes, and proudly." "Where did you find it?" Told her I searched the world over, and the local flea market. She hooted again, put it on, and never took it off while she was here except when I took her to the beach. After she died, her best friend found it and sent it back to me. I treasure it every bit as much as a wedding band. If it were not too small, I would wear it every day.

Tom, I'm thinking first that folks like that never had a relationship like yours (and mine, and ours) in the first place, and in the second place, probably never could.

Butch, tell Gracie her new nickname is going to be Spike! 8^)

Thanks, George, Kay, Marita and Peanutbritt. I appreciate the support more than I can express. And Peanutbritt, I too know that she loved me greatly. At one point she told me that she absolutely trusted me, and that I made her happier than any other man in her past. She felt we were going to be true partners. We had been a couple 33 years ago, and we only parted in large part because I stupidly took a job hundreds of miles away. Back then long distance calling was a hefty charge, and all we had was snail mail. We both wrote a lot at first, and visited each other when we could, but distance did us in. When I found her last May, within 2 weeks we were giggly and in love all over again. Even better this time than before. And like you described, we had not yet experienced anger between us. We were not together enough yet to get to a point of argument or absolute disagreement. Now we did have differing political, religious and other opinions, but we debated. We allowed the other to to disagree. I have to say that because we listened to each other, and paid attention, I am coming around to her side in a couple of our differences. We would have been such a great team.

Back to the topic of Shock and Awe... I honestly don't know how most of you do it. You had years, some have had multiple decades with the love of your life, while I only had 7 months, this time around. Yet everything still jolts me. Triggers everywhere. Yesterday I was feeding the horses, and got caught up in a memory that Dana wanted to take my horse, Rebel Lady. She had expressed several times that she felt out-of-place in her town in Texas because she didn't have horses, and didn't know how to ride. Well, we got her some riding lessons on her visit here, and she made great friends with Reb. For some reason my horse which doesn't like anyone, was putty for Dana. I was astounded and so pleased, and we started talking about what it would take to send Rebel from NC to Texas. She already had neighbors who boarded horses, so it looked like a sure thing, until her accident. Then we put the horse plan on hold. Besides that, there are daily reminders in music we loved, hated & shared, news events we discussed, books that are quoted, and the list goes on. We only had 7 months, but we shared everything we could think of in that time. Shoot, I still have a bar of Dove soap I bought for her visit in my shower. I get misty every time I bathe (and she would have loved the double meaning there, being a writer, poet and editor). I can't do much of anything without thinking of her. I hate weekends, because there's too much time to think. My work is almost all-consuming, and between a nearly hour's drive each way, and working over 50 hours a week, I get through the work week fairly well. But weekends are excruciating. I am losing the house, either through foreclosure or short-sale, depending upon who gets here first. Yet I can't find the strength or will to do anything to make that passage easier. I am practically paralyzed here. Still experiencing shock and awe. I have so much respect for those of you with years and years of memories with your love, and hurt so much for you, in how much you must ache every day. I have a big disappointment in myself, that I will probably express soon, in another topic. Thanks for listening. Dave PS, I never cared for Rebel before, but I sweet-talk her now. What a difference love can make.

Kevin and Kay, sounds like you guys are getting the heat we usually have here. For the past 2 weeks the nights have been unusually cooler for end of July, first of August. Multiple nights in the 50's and one morning my digital thermometer showed 59.6. That NEVER happens this time of year. Days have been in the 80's, about 10 degrees under the norm. Kay, your temps sound more like Phoenix than the Northwest.

Tom, I'm with you on that. We can have better days, we can probably have good days, but no day will ever be AS GOOD.

Kay, I think any inclination to categorize any of us in grief is folly. There are relationships/marriages where there is mostly tolerance & acceptance, there are some where the individuals love each other, and then there are marriages/relationships fully based on LOVE. Those are the folks that come here, and those are the people who continue to come here. There is no expiration date for LOVE. Not like we had. My time of love with Dana was short, this time around, but my LOVE for Dana was and is life-long. As to who grieves the hardest, WE do. Any outsider trying to analyze who and why has no clue. They can prod, and observe, and study all their lives, but if they haven't loved and lost like we have, they will remain clueless all their lives. Grief has no gender.

Kay, that's just terrible. I'm so sorry to hear you have to deal with that now. Doctors can be so myopic. Between ego and fear of lawsuits, they often cannot be reasoned with. When my son was hospitalized recently, they wanted to give him a long-acting med in a shot in his arm muscle, and did so. He tried to explain that most shots anymore have negative effects on him, but they just shook that off as all in his head. He no longer takes flu shots because he has reactions to them -- rash, shortness of breath, heartbeats out the roof. I believe it is probably in the preservatives used in shots, probably thermerosol. That's a substance used in vaccines and other shot medicines. It is a mercury-containing compound, and doesn't affect most people. But mercury is poisonous, and some are more sensitive. I see that as a possibility, but the over-emphasis on no vaccines whatsoever by some seems to have put most doctors on the defensive, so they won't listen. Do you have an alternate doc you could see?

I sometimes observe myself from the outside. By that I mean I go into a state that a long-ago girlfriend called 'self-analysis paralysis,' letting my mouth talk (and sometimes my fingers type) without my brain seeming to have any input whatsoever. For the last several weeks I am a dang Chatty Cathy. I blab in the line at the grocery store. I chatter with the bank teller who looks like she wants to press her hidden button and run. Not out of fear, out of boredom. Heck, I can see the vague expressions or eyes glazing over, but can't seem to shut my mouth lately. Marg, maybe I'm vocalizing word salads. I used to be the introvert. Someone stop me!

Eagle, you have hit the nail on the head as far as I'm concerned. I myself have always imagined what I would do, say or how I would react in certain situations. To some extent that's a product of serving in the military. In training we would drill, drill, drill, to be prepared to react in a specific way when presented with certain situations. In school we drill or practice for assignments or speeches. So I can see that many people probably think they would act this way or that, and cannot figure why we can't. It's unfathomable to them what it's really like. Oh, and your statement, " sometimes the same situation garners a different response on different days " exactly describes me. Because there's nothing that can prepare us for this. Nothing.

So now I read Marty's response, that came in about the same time as mine. And maybe Dana was in denial of her own mortality. And maybe I should keep some thoughts to myself.

I think anger is a valid and reasonable response to what has happened to us for many here. I am just passing the 6-month mark, and am still largely in the early throes of this struggle. But if I think about it outside the immediate pain, I have building anger, too. I'm not ready to express it yet, but it is growing. It may burst forth, or it may not, but I know it's there. I have been loosely keeping a sort of journal, more of a long file, writing down my recollections of what Dana was like, what happened to her, and how I feel her family and her doctors let her down in some ways. Like Marg has described, I talk to her every day. For a short time I felt she somehow was hearing me, but also like Marg, lately I don't feel she is listening. The truth is, she let herself down some toward the end, as well. She didn't follow all the doctors' instructions, and stopped trying to get things fixed. I am beginning to think about those things a lot, and my mad is building (we both had previously laughed at a kid's saying "That makes my mad."). As I look back through my words, I can see I have not included her role. So I am suddenly thinking maybe I need to write her a letter. To tell her that I'm angry that she let herself down in some ways, because in doing so, she let me down. To tell her she should have called on me to help more. To tell her I'm furious that she's gone. To tell her I miss her so. And hopefully, to tell her I will forgive her.

Vicky, What you have learned is that grief is all-encompassing, and overpowering at times. What you will see here is that there is a multitude of others with grief of their own. And that's the thing, our own grief is unique to us. Almost all of us experience the fact that others will try and push us to "let go," to "move on," to "have a good cry and you'll feel better." And a thousand other pieces of advice or criticism. They don't realize that there is no one-step solution, indeed, there is NO solution. And they won't realize it unless they experience it themselves. We all handle pain differently. No doubt you've seen a whole range of reactions to physical pain, from the person who practically faints to get a shot, to the stoic one who barely seems to react to a broken bone or terrible cut. I think we all handle emotional pain in much the same way. Therefore some cry a lot, some cry occasionally, and some simply don't cry. Please don't beat yourself up if you don't cry. I do agree it's worth mentioning to a counselor, if you see one, but if they are not trained in grief, they will not "get it" either. The information and links that Marty provides here can be a big help. And all who join here feel your pain. Lean on us when you need to. I have certainly functioned better in my public life, with the support I have received here in my most private life. We care. Dave