DaveM

As am I, Marita, as am I.

Kay, Marg and George, Thank you for your comments and for the support I feel you all offer for many of us here. I hope I can offer support and comfort when you need extra.

Darrel, The triggers come from all sides, some surprising when they hit you. Today, July 4... I have maintained otherwise that Dana's downward health spiral started July 8, when she fell, injuring her jaw and breaking her neck. And that was the BIG start. But as I reminisce this morning, I remember that she went to a July 4 outing, ate some bad grilled salmon, and had food poisoning for the next 2-3 days. So she was dehydrated I'm sure. Couple that with a house not far north of Houston with broken air conditioning, and stubbornness that she would "be fine without AC," and you have the heat stroke or whatever incident that caused her to faint. NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TWO PARAGRAPHS ARE KIND OF GRAPHIC. She obviously dropped suddenly, and based on the position in which they found her, I figure she caught her chin on the edge of the cabinet. Probably had a pot and utensils in her hands, because they were strewn on the floor around her, and she probably hit them in some way because her ear was split open and she had a gouge on her forehead. When I got to Texas and went to the hospital, the whole left side of her face from forehead to jaw was one big bruise. Eye was black. I know what position she was found in, because the blood that pooled and dried around her head before they found her made a silhouette on the kitchen floor. Before I cleaned it, I took pictures of it. I am not sure why, I just felt the need to record what I saw. From what I could tell they had to literally peel her from the dried blood on the floor. So I figure she was there several hours. Maybe as many as 24. You can clearly see the outline, including the way her hair settled around. All recorded in blood. July 8, when I called the police and they went in and found her, was a looming trigger. But with my reflection this morning, that whole week is now a trigger. July 8 was exactly 2 weeks to the day after she went home from our perfect visit in NC.

Oh yes, the fear. Every day I feel fear. I referred to it as anxiety until someone here called it like it is. Fear that I'll have to spend the rest of my life without her. And fear, knowing that's the truth. On the other hand, in some areas I'm fearless. I have more backbone at work than I have had in 50 years of working, because I have nothing left to lose. After a terrible divorce in which I was left practically penniless, and knowing my house is a short sale away from foreclosure, I was hopeless. Then Dana came back into my life, after 32 years. I had hope, she had hope, and more importantly, she had trust in me. We were planning and preparing for a future together. And now she's gone. I really have nothing left to lose.

Thank you, Kay, for sharing that you got a tattoo also. Many of my family and friends seem surprised and uncomfortable that I did this. The turtle won't show unless I take off my shirt, which won't happen unless I hit the beach. The DeltaD on my forearm is giving me trouble in that I get choked up whenever just about anyone mentions it. And I can't speak for a minute. I thought by now I would be able to just say, "That is a symbol of my love for Dana. I lost her in December." But I can hardly say anything, still. When I thought about progression of grief in the beginning, I think I must've believed I would "get over it" as some urge us to do. Well, fancy that, no such thing. On the other hand, I would not give the tattoo up, either. I will just handle whatever I must. Cause that's what we all do, right?

Dr L, The 'One Year' topic goes along with my month of June. Not her death, Dana died in December and was found December 28. That is listed as the official date she died, but she probably passed Dec 17 or 18. The 'One Year' however for me refers to the fact that after we reconnected online and then by phone last May, she flew to North Carolina last June 14 and was here until June 24. We had a glorious time getting reacquainted, and she loved trekking around the area where she lived and earned her Masters 30+ years ago. So memories of the one-year-ago visit were overlayered with the fact that June 28 marked 6 months since I learned she had died. Thus my own ramblings. Of course I will never forget her, but I also wanted more concrete reminders of her, and I wanted to mark myself with the memories. So I have kept the beard I grew at her request. When I started it while she was here, she would rub her chin and cheeks back and forth against it, and make the most contented sighs I ever heard. It was the beard, of course, but for her it was also the fact that I willingly changed something only for her. And then there are tattoos. She had two small tattoos, one her signature symbol, a DeltaD triangle set, which she had on her forearm, and a tiny dragon on her ankle. She asked me if I would get a tattoo and I said "absolutely not, that's just not me." So here: On my left forearm, her DeltaD. Had this done within a month of her dying. This is her signature symbol on her artwork. I have also mentioned previously that she loved turtles and tortoises, probably a product of her Native American heritage. Lots of turtle and tort stuff in her house. So I found an illustration of a Texas Tortoise. So here: It's on my right shoulder. I found the image online, bought a copy, and took to the tattoo artist. I had seen his stuff is good, so trusted him. And rightly so. I have to believe if she could see this she would squeeze me in a hug that would collapse my lungs! Anyway, thanks to all you who listen. We share. Our pain, our sorrow, our scant but occasional snatches of happy. Now I am sharing my dedication. To her. Forever DaveM PS. Here is a watercolor of hers. You can see her DeltaD sig on it.

SCBA, you're neither bad nor worse. Grief is the life of each of us here. Truth is, OUR feelings ARE facts. Hard, cold facts for each of us. Just know that we all share your pain. Please try to be good to yourself. Good luck with the new counselor.

Patricia, so sorry for your loss. Please come here when you need to vent, and when you need to be with those who understand.

Kay and Gin, so glad for your good news. I too, had some this week as well. About 4 weeks ago I had blood appear in my urine, and it took a month to get in to see my urologist. Got in there a couple days ago, had sonogram, CT scan of the kidneys, and a cystoscopy (you do NOT want to go there). All came back negative. I previously had blood occasionally show microscopically all my life, but never visible until now. Doc says we'll just keep an eye on it. I had not been reading this thread for some reason (guess I didn't think there could be positives for a long time), but I will pay attention going forward.

Mary Beth, That is so lovely. My Dana was among other things a poet. I am clueless when it comes to a lot of modern poetry, but your Walls Echo is true and echoes in my heart. I was so dense at times when Dana would send me something. Some, like yours, were touching, and I got them. Others just went over my head. Dana and I were a couple 33 years ago, but my new out-ot-state job and her goals of a Master's and Doctorate kept us too far apart. We drifted, then met and married different people (the wrong person, both), and each of us had two sons. We both divorced in 2015 and just reconnected last May 2016. After she died in December, I happened to find a poem I had written to her 33 years ago. It was in a notebook I had kept from long ago with typesetting instructions. We met when we both worked for the same newspaper in Raleigh, North Carolina. Anyway, the poem is a disaster. I obviously never gave it to her back then. If I had found it before she passed, I would have been embarrassed, but would still have sent it to her, to show her I never, ever forgot her. I know she would have laughed, but her laughter was always delighted, never derisive. She (also an editor for years) would have shredded and red-marked it, but knowing her, would have loved the thought and effort of my attempt. Thanks so much for sharing. Dave

Marg, thanks for your compassion. That is one thing that is definitely not lacking here. As much as each of us can, we all have and share that. Like you with your daughter and granddaughter, many of us with kids and grandkids are watching them go through their own losses and pains. Somehow, some way, as we share the pain, though, we seem to strengthen each other in some small ways. And let me say that your word salads comfort and inspire me. Thank you. And now I'll sit back down.

Marg, I also decided to read Bereavement and Snorting Seaweed. I did finish it and posted a comment there, for we lost our 10-year-old son in 1999. It really struck a chord with me that "trained" people can be so clueless. And yet we can't really blame them, can we? How can one possible know about this and anything remotely right without experiencing it? Marty, as always, thank you for your thoughtfulness, knowledge, insight and continued support of us here.

mbbh, Talk, talk, and talk some more - to those of us here - that's one thing you can do. It will help, as much as anything can. And read what we say. You will cry, then smile, choke up, then laugh some times. Because you will see we know your suffering. Ours is different, and all of ours is unique, but yet it's the same. The loss of heart, the loss of self, the fear, the guilt, the second-guessing -- it's all here. But in the sharing there is a slight relief. In the revelations, there is found kinship. We are in one way or another all on the same path. Many of us put on a mask when we are out in public. We see that others, no matter how well meaning, often say hurtful things. They think we should "move on" or "get over it." They know not what this is, and we wouldn't wish it on any of them. But they still don't know. Until they know. My first cousin lost her husband 2 years ago, and I thought I had been empathetic. I was supportive, I offered help. I visited her once in a while. But until 6 months ago I had no idea what she went through. Now we talk pretty much weekly, and we often cry together. I started my first beard a year ago for my Dana, and my cousin loves it. She cried but smiled when she saw me with it the first time. She said it was a lot like her Bill's beard. Look at some of the links that Marty provides, and that some of the other folks have shared. Some of it won't work, but some just may help. i myself contribute in spurts, Sometimes I feel strong enough to express myself, and sometimes all I can do is see what the others say. But I come here every single day. It has been a life-saver for me. We are all alone now. But we are also all together. Dave

Marg, It has been some time since I last posted here, but I visit every day, and try to read all the new posts. I come to this, your topic because lately I AM going through Hell. With my only reconnecting with Dana last May, and mostly being with her by phone and email, my anniversaries are different than most folks here. I found her last May on Linked In after 32 years since we last spoke. So May 6, the day she responded to my message through Linked In, was an anniversary for me. Our (old) love was so new, we spent no holidays together. Not Memorial Day, not July 4th, not Labor Day, not Thanksgiving. And she was gone by Christmas. This week a year ago she flew from Texas to NC to visit with me. We had 9 1/2 glorious days together. All the days between June 14 and 24 are an anniversary. A scant 2 weeks after she returned to Texas she fell, broke her neck, and in the resultant nerve reactions, she chewed her tongue flat on either side. This started her downhill slide, as she could no longer chew. So good memories right now, but the dread of July 8 going forward. And more Hell. Like (it seems) most of us on here, there can be no real understanding between 'us' and 'them.' So for the most part, we suffer the worst alone. And we all have piled-on issues as well. In my case I have a disabled son who lives with me. His are mental issues. I had to involuntarily commit him June 8 because after 11 years he decided he no longer needed to take his medicine, and had a breakdown. Just got him out yesterday, and as can be expected, he is not happy with me. His mother and I have been divorced for 2 years, but we are still battling. The house was on the threshold of foreclosure, but the bank has just agreed to let me short sell. I like my job a lot, but we lost several folks in my department over the past several months, and I am the only knowledgeable person in my area. I am 67 and working 55+ hours a week. The divorce decree requires me to work and send support until I reach age 70. Again, I like my job, but 68% of my take-home pay is going out to Arizona. And if I keep working after 70, I will still have to send the same support. It seems like every single one of us has complications beyond grief over our loss. Some way more than others, but we all have them. Please know that I read and feel for all who post, even though I don't comment often. I will try to provide more support after the next couple of weeks. DaveM

Dr L, Today is a one-year for me, of a different sort. It was one year ago today that Dana flew to North Carolina to see me for the first time in 32 years. The reunion was joyous, and we were laughing like old times in moments. I am close to 6 months since her death. We had such a short, but what a glorious time together.

Nightwinds, I can see how you would be upset about the photo switchout. One of those "in" things about Facebook is to change your profile photo to whatever is trending at the moment, be it a rainbow for whatever headline is showing today, or in your case, the loss of a friend. I don't do that myself, but have plenty of acquaintances who do. Dana's best friend put her picture up for maybe 2 days before she moved on. That too hurt, with the exception that I was able to download a pic I didn't previously have. I also understand your feeling that you "should still be as upset as the week he passed." At five months and counting, I have also felt that. But please try and push away from feeling guilty. You have not let him down. I would bet almost all of us here have gone through that. Just know that we care.

Finch, please know that I do appreciate and feel for what you must be going through. When I went to Dana's memorial service in Connecticut, her boys, her ex-husband, her sister-in-law and others were surrounded by mourners and well-wishers. Her ex was civil to me, and her oldest boy came by and gave me a hug. Otherwise I was an outsider, an inconvenience. As just a 'boyfriend,' I am collateral damage. We have heard your cries and felt your pain. If I reacted hastily, it was not out of meanness, but concern. I would not want to add to any other's stress.

Finch, The fact that you posted this rather than moving right into it shows you are conflicted about it. You have doubts. I have to agree with Marty and with Kay -- "thrusting what you're talking about on others unknowing so that they have to deal with it, that is something else." I do have some small sense of what you're experiencing. My Dana and I loved one another 33 years ago, after a number of years of being co-workers and friends. But distance and other factors sent us in separate directions, into separate marriages, and finally into separate divorces at the same time. We reconnected a year ago this month, and we had a blissful 6 months. BUT. To her ex-husband and their sons I am an awkward factor. They were civil to me, but kept me at as much distance as they could. Although I have offered to share details about her last 6 months, the items we checked and planned for checking off her bucket list, and other (to me) joyful stories, I am held at arms length. I am an unknown, inconvenient detail. One they'd rather not think about. I want to "give" them this, but I know deep inside, all it will do is hurt them. So I will leave them alone. If one day one of the boys comes forward and asks, I will share as much as I can. But I will not force it on them. Here is in part what led me to this decision. Dana had a stalker, for nearly 40 years. They dated in college, but he was possessive and all-enclosing, and she broke it off. He never let go. He went through two marriages and apparently had 6 kids, but all through the years he kept after her. She probably moved a good 15 or 20 times, between college, grad school and going for her doctorate, and in a marriage to a man who couldn't hold down a job for long. All over the country, west to east, south to north, a year in England and finally most of the last 10 years in Connecticut. This man moved almost every time she did, to be nearby. He reached out to her often. She tried to discourage him, but was always civil. So he never got the message. When she died, I placed an obituary locally because she lived and worked here for 8 years, taught classes at NC State University. I didn't notify her family, but yet the stalker found the obit, and posted the following as a memorial: "In my dreams you and I are gazing into each others eyes in rapt adoration." That was in addition to details about his life-long love for her. Finch, that made me crazy. I knew who this guy was. I knew she not only had no interest, but was actually afraid of him. I contacted the online firm, explained the situation, told them I felt if her sons ever read this, they would be devastated. I only asked them to have him change it. Instead they also found it totally inappropriate, deleted it, and locked him out of posting. I still check her obit here and the one her ex placed in Connecticut every day, to make sure he has not posted anything else. Please understand I am not comparing your relationship in any way to mine or this, but my horror at what her sons could think or assume about their mother outweighed even my anger at him from my own standpoint. Your Love's secrets need to remain hers and yours alone. In my opinion. I wish you peace.

Marg, Thanks so much for this. My Dana was the Editor of the John Donne Journal (Academic) at NCSU when she was working on her Master's 1983-87. The influence she had on me then has lasted my whole lifetime, and when we re-connected last May, our love re-ignited and it was almost as though the intervening 32 years didn't happen. She was delighted that I had made much of my own way with editing and writing (technical, sure, but careful and sure just the same). More to your point, yes we do matter. And at this time, we matter the most to the rest of us going through this same agony. And Gwen, you, Marg, Kay, George and all the others have definitely helped me on my journey. I am still heart-broken, will be lonely for the rest of my life, and miss Dana every single day, but the sharing of our burdens that happens here has helped me beyond any measure.

Thanks, Kay, I will check them out.

Thanks George, for your encouragement. I am also coming up on 5 months, May 28. This past week has been exceptionally bad. And this weekend I am filled with anxiety, as though my chest will burst open. I will keep pushing on.

Even when it was our particular decision to make, it was good to have the "go ahead," or the "maybe we should wait awhile," from our partner. They were our steady rock to hold us in place. The hard choices were made together. We planned. How do you make plans when you. Just. Can't. Most of us seem to just be drifting right now.

Dang, case in point to my last post above: She impressed upon me to not repeat words and phrases in the same paragraph unless for specific effect, and look what I did. This is why I don't publicly correct the grammar of others. I winced when I caught this afterward. I usually go back and edit when I catch myself, but may as well make a point.

George, Actually, you're neither overly sensitive about this, nor were you impolite in typing a one-word question. On the other hand, the admin was definitely impolite. And coming from a service to others family, IMHO he or she got it all wrong. They should consider you and the other members of the group as their 'customers,' and thus showed extremely poor customer service. I love your response -- It perfectly makes the point, while gently (I think) correcting their behavior. Besides, with the way communication today shortens every statement to acronyms (IMHO above, plus LOL, OMG, WTH) and brief responses, 'Recipe?' is a more than adequate question. So they were definitely out of line. Now, I must confess to being a member of the Grammar Police, but I only notice, I don't correct. And I certainly don't publicly chide anyone who is sincerely expressing themselves. Now, if someone asks me to check their work, the red pencil comes out, but they are forewarned! This I can credit to my Dana. 33-plus years ago she taught me to proof, re-read and proof my work again and again. We both worked as typesetter-compositors for Raleigh's daily newspaper. I saw a good number of reporters and editors come to her to ask her opinion about the way they wrote something on a regular basis. It irritated our boss, but he was essentially out-ranked by the senior editors, so he kept it mostly to himself. Most of my posts here are gone over several times before I post. And still some things slip by. Thanks for the 'Twenty nine' posts, I smile as I read of the way your love progressed for both of you. Mine took more than a year of getting to know her before I pulled up enough courage to ask Dana out back then.

Today is May 6, 2017. It was a year ago today that Dana and I re-established first a friendship after 32 years had passed, which quickly evolved to the love we had shared as well. It was a joy to share memories from working together and being friends back then. She still had the best stories and an infectious laugh. In addition to being a writer, editor and poet, Dana was an artist and an extraordinary seamstress. Dana and I enjoyed each other’s wise-cracking. She particularly liked my response whenever someone called the phone in the department where we worked together. We'd hear the ring, then I would call out, "Get that, it might be the phone." Corny, but she laughed every time, and eventually started saying it herself, to beat me to it… "Get that, it might be the phone." We became close friends. I always admired her literary knowledge, artistic talents, and her tenacity. She made me strive to improve myself. Friendship evolved into love. I graduated, and immediately found work in another state. Not long after she was accepted into the Master’s program at NCSU. Although we maintained the relationship for several months, distance and each of us having much to deal with eventually caused us to lose touch. Fast forward 32 years. I stopped near the end of April last year to get dinner to take home for my son and me. The young lady who waited on me reminded me of Dana. A couple of days later my son asked me to try something else from the restaurant, and the same girl waited on me again. I was so taken by the resemblance. So I decided to look for Dana. I did know her new last name from a brief contact through someone else 17 years ago, but none of the Dana entries returned from searches matched up. I finally found her through Linked In, and sent a message. She remembered me, responded, and we started exchanging e-mail. At some point I wrote, "Hey, you up for a call?" and included my number. Well, my phone rang about a minute after that. When I answered, she said "Dave, get that, it might be the phone!" Following that we spoke almost daily for the next 6 months. Like she has for many, she absolutely enriched my life. I will never forget her.